It was a little more than a week ago that I received the curious letter, fancifully written in Egyptian hieroglyphics on pink construction paper.  The white lace border was a nice touch too.  The man said that he was from the United States Secret Service but apparently he couldn't tell me which service it was, it being some kind of secret I guess.  He told me that I had been specifically selected at random to take on an assignment of special import: I was to colonize a remote space camp on the moon using only a paper clip and chewable vitamins.  Not knowing much about either colonization or vitamins, I was a bit skeptical at first but the secret agent said that I woulnd't have to carry out this mission alone.  Perplexed, I asked him what that meant.  He gave me a look resembling something a mentally handicapped person has when you ask him to explain gravitational theory and calmly explained that someone else would be accompanying me on the trip.  "Who?" I asked.  "Chris Farley!" he exclaimed.

If you're a little shocked at that last revelation, it's ok.  You can hold my hand.  It turns out that not only is Chris Farley not dead, he's also a she.  It was an awkward meeting at first, her hair having grown a bit long and looking sexier than ever.  I'll admit no initial attraction to Chris (Christine now) but after being packed into a stuffy rocket on a multi-lightyear journey, you begin to imagine all kinds of possibilities.  Or that could have been space dementia.  We whittled away most of our time having long, philosophical debates about whether Lucky Charms really needs a new marshmallow shape or whether a simple color change would suffice.  Some highlights:

Chris: Hey Randy, you remember that time we got sent to the moon to colonize the planet?

Me: Yes.

Chris: That was awesome!

Needless to say, it was a long flight.  Anyway, since I have been gone for so long, I decided to recap some of the more eventful items encountered on my trip, just to bring everyone up to speed and make sure we're all on the same page.

Day 1: We quickly discovered that it's impossible to colonize a space camp with just a paper clip and vitamins.  Shame on us for not thinking about that ahead of time.  Quickly bored and unable to accomplish our mission, Chris and I nearly overdosed on vitamins in an effort to obtain a "natural high."  We were not successful.

Day 3: Bored and slowly recovering from our chewable coma, I decided to mess with the gauges on Chris's equipment.  He wasn't amused the next time he had guard duty but I thought it was pretty funny.  Had to perform CPR though -- not cool.

Day 5: With all the vitamins gone, Chris thinks it's a good idea to eat the paper clip.  He nearly choked and I had to give him CPR again.  Our relationship may be turning serious.

Day 7: Hungry and left with little option for any real attempt at colonization, I decide to hot-wire the rocket ship and head back to Earth, wondering all the while why I packed that rubber life raft.  We didn't even get a chance to use it!  Chris spent the entire return trip complaining that we didn't get a chance to see "Star Wars 6: Part 3."  I told him I'd take him when we got home.

And that was mostly it.  I made a lovely stone figurine out of moon rock.  It kind of looks like an elf, if elves were to look like an uncarved piece of moon rock.  I think I'll sell it on eBay.  In closing, I'm a little rocket-lagged from the trip but still in good spirits.  Chris Farley got returned to his cage in some Government warehouse and I feel a sense of dread that I won't be able to see him again.  I really felt like we connected.  Perhaps I can still write him and we can swap recipes.