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| 07.02.2009 - P.Net Critic's Corner: Horrible Tattoos | 1:27 PM | | Author: RP (randy@pollestad.net) | Score 5/5 (2 Votes) |
| Whether you love them or hate them, tattoos have become an integral part of expressing one's self in modern day society. What was once reserved for old-time sailors and native tribesman, the art of tattooing now allows anyone to express their extreme love for Twilight and tramp stamps, regardless of whether they really should or not. You would think that an art form which has been around for more than 4000 years would have finally reached some refinement but, alas, this is not the case.
Today, myself and Johnny "Inked For Life" Truth take a look at the world of tattoos and the horrible choices people have made therein. We're not saying that all tattoos are bad, just yours, mostly because your ideas are whatever the opposite of good is. These are permanent you know.
P.Net Critic's Corner presents Horrible Tattoos!
RP: That thing looks horrified at its own existence.
J.Truth: I'm going to save this image and whenever I feel like I've made a bad decision in life, I'm going to look at it and remind myself that at least I didn't get whatever the fuck that is tattooed on my arm.
RP: A panther with no dental plan, I guess.
J.Truth: I wonder if this guy went into the tat shop and told the guy behind the counter that he wanted a sick panther tattoo.
RP: Except the guy behind the counter was from Romania and took his words very literally.
J.Truth: I wonder if the guy behind the counter tried to talk him out of it.
RP: Hey, if some giant redneck walks in with a masterpiece that he drew on a bar napkin and demands that you re-create it on his arm for all eternity, I don't think you argue.
J.Truth: OK, fine, don't argue but at least pull out your book of tattoo work and show him all of the other, much better panthers that you did previously just in case he wants to change his mind.
RP: Yeah, but how many of those panthers had a full beard and an upright tongue? Not many I would wager.
J.Truth: This guys draws with all the perspective of a third-grade art student.
RP: And has the shading techniques to match.
J.Truth: I don't know if panthers can get Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or not but in the very least, this panther has a few extra chromosomes to play with.
RP: Sad panther looks confused.
J.Truth: Sad panther is upset about being on your arm.
RP: Sad panther is crying because his self-portrait is so horrible.
RP: Yep, just standing outside near my rusted bucket collection to show off my new tattoo.
J.Truth: Which is a truck company.
RP: That I can't afford.
J.Truth: Or am old enough to drive.
RP: I needed a way to really express just how much I love Chevy and this permanent tattoo on my belly sounded way better than buying a sticker or a t-shirt.
J.Truth: I bet she didn't see the recession coming.
RP: I bet she doesn't see any future employment prospects coming.
J.Truth: She is clearly in a meth lab and thus is not worried about finding a job.
RP: I wonder if she worked on that muffin-top just so that she'd have room for a larger tattoo.
J.Truth: I want to see the next picture in this series, namely the one where some blond guy named Calvin pisses on her stomach.
RP: That tattoo is going to look awesome if she ever gets pregnant.
J.Truth: So, in six months, basically.
RP: If that.
J.Truth: I'd still hit it but afterward, I would never call her because deep down inside, I'm a Ford guy.
RP: I'm going to get a tattoo of the girl and her tattoo done on my ass and it's going to look like some kind of Chevy tattoo vortex that will suck you in.
J.Truth: Did you just say that your ass is going to suck people in?
RP: Like a rock.
RP: This guy was in a hurry.
J.Truth: Apparently so was the tattoo artist.
RP: "Shit, I got five minutes before my lunch break and you want what? Oh, just a quick Jackson tribute? Sure."
J.Truth: "Just HURRY HURRY HURRY I gotta twitter this ASAP I gotta be the first"
RP: Except he got home and someone on facebook beat him to it with a much nicer design and now he's just that guy in second place and Michael Jackson on his arm.
J.Truth: In crooked memory of...
RP: Truly a deserving tribute. I am surprised this guy hasn't been invited on CNN yet.
J.Truth: I can only imagine him rushing out to the tattoo shop upon hearing the news, thinking that he will be the envy of all of his friends.
RP: "Hey guys, check it out. I got a tattoo to commemorate Mike."
J.Truth: And once he started to proudly show it off, everyone called him a fag and left him alone to sulk.
RP: Why "loving memory" anyway?
J.Truth: I hope for my brain's sake that that is a picture of a girl's tattoo and she just has a really hairy arm.
RP: I like to think he had all but the death date done years ago, just to be ready in case the worst happened.
J.Truth: It'd be perfect if this guy rushed out and got the tattoo right when he heard MJ was in the hospital, but then Michael recovered and lived for another 20 years.
RP: Yeah, but I don't know if that would make it any better.
It doesn't seem to matter how bad the idea is, somewhere, someone has it tattooed on their body and we'll be here to make fun of them. We've got plenty more of these in the vault so we'll be back with a round two once we wash the filthy taste out of our mouths. By kissing each other. Because that's what we do around here. |
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