Look, I'm not going to waste time with a huge, ornate introduction here because none is really needed. Point blank, I'm a pretty damn good father and no amount of scientific evidence or police reports are going to sway me from that conclusion. Being a great father means interacting with your child as much as possible; being an even greater father means incorrectly using English words and punctuation while posting about said interactions with your child on the internet. About a month ago, I posted a journal-style update which detailed all of the awesome things I do with my baby. Despite the critic's claims to the contrary, it was not a blog. Please stop emailing me irrefutable proof because I don't believe anything you say. Blogs are for dads who are less awesome than I am.
Well, today my journal-style journal is again full with journal-style entries about all the stuff that I have been doing as a Daddy. These journal-style entries are important, if not for their bloglessness, but for the lessons they teach. Lessons such as how amazing I am and how well I look after my baby. If you are a parent or you hope to be one soon, it is my desire that the below journal-style, non-blog entries can help you better prepare for the road ahead. It's tough because kids are really needy but with my help and a touch of amazingness, you can make it through. Just don't be disappointed if you don't reach the same level I have. It's tough and not for everyone. That's why arcade games always list the top ten scores, so parents like you can also get some minor amount of credit. You're not number one but you're on the same screen as me, which makes you kind of awesome. Tiny awesome.
Whatever. Bring on the journal!
Friday, 9:31 PM: Spent an entire morning prepping baby for the big inner city rap battle that I entered her in. Needless to say, she got up on stage and choked, 8 Mile style. I threw up mom's spaghetti all over my sweater in disgust.
Sunday, 11:55 AM: A little dismayed at the blatant false advertising displayed by Huggies. The diapers I bought for baby clearly say "For 12-18 pounds" and they don't hold even a fraction of that. Decided it was best for both of us if I stopped trying to wear them.
Monday, 6:13 PM: Was informed by casino security that "baby" is not a valid wager type when playing roulette and that letting her crawl around the table was severely interrupting the flow of the game.
Tuesday, 5:45 PM: Asked baby very nicely to change the oil in my car while I was gone and left her in the driveway to get to work. I was extremely disappointed in the results. Apparently, instead of working on my car, baby decided that rolling into the street and crying would be a better use of her time. We're going to have a long talk about the value of hard work versus slacking off tonight.
Saturday, 7:19 PM: Spent the afternoon watching all eight Hellraiser movies with baby. Wholesome family entertainment really is the cornerstone of a good upbringing, or so I read in some shitty book that I stole from the library.
Sunday, 12:38 PM: Medical note #23: Children's Tylenol will not, by itself, stem the bleeding of an open head wound caused by using baby as a football while drunk.
Monday, 9:12 AM: Starting to wonder whether baby is colorblind or not. I asked her which tie looked better, the red or the blue, and she acted like she didn't know the difference.
Tuesday, 8:44 PM: Turnabout is fair play. Spent the entire day crapping my pants and yelling at baby whenever I was hungry or thirsty.
Wednesday, 5:06 PM: It was "bring your child to work" day but they never said anything about bringing her back home. Sitting in traffic right now because apparently I'm on the hook to go back and get her from building security.
Thursday, 7:29 PM: Bought baby a ventriloquist dummy and asked her to put on a show for me and a few friends. Honestly, worst show I have ever seen. Got up half way through and demanded a refund from the manager.
Saturday, 3:48 PM: Baby's first keg stand, while hilarious, is ultimately considered a failure due the lack of drinking and actual keg standing. Laying around the keg and drooling is what is supposed to happen afterward, not before.
Tuesday, 10:26 AM: Challenged baby to a sleeping contest. I'm not 100% sure that she understood the challenge and it was awfully hard to sleep with all that crying going on. Still, I got in a full 36 hour nap and upon waking up, declared myself the winner.
Friday, 7:09 PM: OK, apparently the Fisher Price tool belt/workbench is not suitable for actual household repair work and it's not advisable to let baby re-shingle the roof all by herself.
Saturday, 3:35 PM: Threw the baby out with the bathwater. Got cited for illegal dumping.
Monday, 9:56 AM: Double and triple-checked the application form and didn't see anything that says I shouldn't but apparently BP frowns on parents signing their baby up for oil spill clean-up duties. Last I checked, the environment wasn't going to fix itself.
Tuesday, 12:46 PM: Purchased a yo-yo for baby to help her entertain herself. The really expensive kind that you can do a bunch of tricks with. Was dismayed to find out that after leaving her alone for 15 hours to learn the basics, the only "tricks" she managed to accomplish was the "hit yourself in the head" trick and the "drop the yo-yo and whine" trick. I didn't find either of them very impressive.
Wednesday, 6:43 PM: Entered baby into a father/baby hot dog eating contest. Sadly, she wasn't really pulling her weight and instead of eating, she just kind of mashed the hot dogs with her hands and yelled. Needless to say, we lost. Were the contest called "put as many chunks of hot dog in your hair and other places that are not your mouth", I think we might have stood a chance.
Thursday, 9:51 AM: I'm a little pissed at the Olympic Committee's decision to bar baby from competing in the 2012 luge event. She has a solid record of only crashing a few times when we practice at home.
Friday, 11:36 PM: Invited baby to sit in on a game of poker. Unfortunately, I really can't tell you who won or lost because I still waiting for her to ante up on the first game.
Saturday, 6:16 PM: Got told a few times today that my baby is "like a kid in a candy store", mostly because that is where I tried to leave her. I guess people just aren't ready to accept the fact that she can fend for herself.
Sunday, 2:41 PM: Apparently throwing baby head first into the community pool and then heading to the bar isn't quite what the YMCA means by "diving lessons" or so I was told by an angry lifeguard.
Tuesday, 4:17 PM: From the looks of things, baby isn't as kindhearted as I thought. Feeling charitable, we attended a "Walk For The Cure" breast cancer thing. Not only did baby not walk anywhere, she refused to move and opted to spend the day rolling around and wailing. Classy, baby. Real classy.
Wednesday, 10:48 PM: Today was "New Experience" day for baby but it got cut short after she got something in her eye. That something was pepper spray. I'm going to write a very stern letter to the manufacturer to put more warnings about using the spray while near babies on the back because honestly, I didn't see anything that told me I shouldn't.
Saturday, 7:27 PM: Took baby to Las Vegas. Absolutely nothing of interest occurred.
It's been a pretty busy month so far and if the past eight months have taught me anything, it's that baby will keep needing me to be awesome for many more months to come. If I can't find a way around that with some kind of legal loophole, I'll keep writing these journal-style entries about my awesome parentness and posting them here. See you next time on DaddyBlog Journal-Style Entries #3.
Well, today my journal-style journal is again full with journal-style entries about all the stuff that I have been doing as a Daddy. These journal-style entries are important, if not for their bloglessness, but for the lessons they teach. Lessons such as how amazing I am and how well I look after my baby. If you are a parent or you hope to be one soon, it is my desire that the below journal-style, non-blog entries can help you better prepare for the road ahead. It's tough because kids are really needy but with my help and a touch of amazingness, you can make it through. Just don't be disappointed if you don't reach the same level I have. It's tough and not for everyone. That's why arcade games always list the top ten scores, so parents like you can also get some minor amount of credit. You're not number one but you're on the same screen as me, which makes you kind of awesome. Tiny awesome.
Whatever. Bring on the journal!
Friday, 9:31 PM: Spent an entire morning prepping baby for the big inner city rap battle that I entered her in. Needless to say, she got up on stage and choked, 8 Mile style. I threw up mom's spaghetti all over my sweater in disgust.
Sunday, 11:55 AM: A little dismayed at the blatant false advertising displayed by Huggies. The diapers I bought for baby clearly say "For 12-18 pounds" and they don't hold even a fraction of that. Decided it was best for both of us if I stopped trying to wear them.
Monday, 6:13 PM: Was informed by casino security that "baby" is not a valid wager type when playing roulette and that letting her crawl around the table was severely interrupting the flow of the game.
Tuesday, 5:45 PM: Asked baby very nicely to change the oil in my car while I was gone and left her in the driveway to get to work. I was extremely disappointed in the results. Apparently, instead of working on my car, baby decided that rolling into the street and crying would be a better use of her time. We're going to have a long talk about the value of hard work versus slacking off tonight.
Saturday, 7:19 PM: Spent the afternoon watching all eight Hellraiser movies with baby. Wholesome family entertainment really is the cornerstone of a good upbringing, or so I read in some shitty book that I stole from the library.
Sunday, 12:38 PM: Medical note #23: Children's Tylenol will not, by itself, stem the bleeding of an open head wound caused by using baby as a football while drunk.
Monday, 9:12 AM: Starting to wonder whether baby is colorblind or not. I asked her which tie looked better, the red or the blue, and she acted like she didn't know the difference.
Tuesday, 8:44 PM: Turnabout is fair play. Spent the entire day crapping my pants and yelling at baby whenever I was hungry or thirsty.
Wednesday, 5:06 PM: It was "bring your child to work" day but they never said anything about bringing her back home. Sitting in traffic right now because apparently I'm on the hook to go back and get her from building security.
Thursday, 7:29 PM: Bought baby a ventriloquist dummy and asked her to put on a show for me and a few friends. Honestly, worst show I have ever seen. Got up half way through and demanded a refund from the manager.
Saturday, 3:48 PM: Baby's first keg stand, while hilarious, is ultimately considered a failure due the lack of drinking and actual keg standing. Laying around the keg and drooling is what is supposed to happen afterward, not before.
Tuesday, 10:26 AM: Challenged baby to a sleeping contest. I'm not 100% sure that she understood the challenge and it was awfully hard to sleep with all that crying going on. Still, I got in a full 36 hour nap and upon waking up, declared myself the winner.
Friday, 7:09 PM: OK, apparently the Fisher Price tool belt/workbench is not suitable for actual household repair work and it's not advisable to let baby re-shingle the roof all by herself.
Saturday, 3:35 PM: Threw the baby out with the bathwater. Got cited for illegal dumping.
Monday, 9:56 AM: Double and triple-checked the application form and didn't see anything that says I shouldn't but apparently BP frowns on parents signing their baby up for oil spill clean-up duties. Last I checked, the environment wasn't going to fix itself.
Tuesday, 12:46 PM: Purchased a yo-yo for baby to help her entertain herself. The really expensive kind that you can do a bunch of tricks with. Was dismayed to find out that after leaving her alone for 15 hours to learn the basics, the only "tricks" she managed to accomplish was the "hit yourself in the head" trick and the "drop the yo-yo and whine" trick. I didn't find either of them very impressive.
Wednesday, 6:43 PM: Entered baby into a father/baby hot dog eating contest. Sadly, she wasn't really pulling her weight and instead of eating, she just kind of mashed the hot dogs with her hands and yelled. Needless to say, we lost. Were the contest called "put as many chunks of hot dog in your hair and other places that are not your mouth", I think we might have stood a chance.
Thursday, 9:51 AM: I'm a little pissed at the Olympic Committee's decision to bar baby from competing in the 2012 luge event. She has a solid record of only crashing a few times when we practice at home.
Friday, 11:36 PM: Invited baby to sit in on a game of poker. Unfortunately, I really can't tell you who won or lost because I still waiting for her to ante up on the first game.
Saturday, 6:16 PM: Got told a few times today that my baby is "like a kid in a candy store", mostly because that is where I tried to leave her. I guess people just aren't ready to accept the fact that she can fend for herself.
Sunday, 2:41 PM: Apparently throwing baby head first into the community pool and then heading to the bar isn't quite what the YMCA means by "diving lessons" or so I was told by an angry lifeguard.
Tuesday, 4:17 PM: From the looks of things, baby isn't as kindhearted as I thought. Feeling charitable, we attended a "Walk For The Cure" breast cancer thing. Not only did baby not walk anywhere, she refused to move and opted to spend the day rolling around and wailing. Classy, baby. Real classy.
Wednesday, 10:48 PM: Today was "New Experience" day for baby but it got cut short after she got something in her eye. That something was pepper spray. I'm going to write a very stern letter to the manufacturer to put more warnings about using the spray while near babies on the back because honestly, I didn't see anything that told me I shouldn't.
Saturday, 7:27 PM: Took baby to Las Vegas. Absolutely nothing of interest occurred.
It's been a pretty busy month so far and if the past eight months have taught me anything, it's that baby will keep needing me to be awesome for many more months to come. If I can't find a way around that with some kind of legal loophole, I'll keep writing these journal-style entries about my awesome parentness and posting them here. See you next time on Daddy
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