Based upon hours of fictitious research and my own superiority complex, I am positive that to many of my readers, I come across as some kind of awesome internet strong man, one who is limitless in potential and even greater than limitless in a bunch of other areas that don't include listing positive traits. While this is true 96% of the time, for the other 2%, I am still a human being and therefore susceptible to many things that ail the world. Well, OK, let's not say "many" things when I clearly only mean like one or two. Hey, even Superman had his kryptonite problems and despite the fact that it came from a completely different planet, it still found its way to Earth every now and again or when it was convenient for the plot, so it only stands to reason that I, too, would fall victim to mere mortal perils.
You see, while I am almost invincible when it comes to many things, I am an extremely inefficient manager and director of tasks and these two inadequacies tend to create "problem areas" for me. Two weeks ago, my immune system wrote me a short email requesting a vacation and having never made use of said system in the past and improperly concluding that the wart on my left toe had nicknamed itself "immune system", I told it to go on and have fun, provided that I didn't get a phone call for bail money. Well, as it turns out, my immune system is a real thing and that mine is some sort of semi-important addition to my body's internal structure. Shortly after it packed its bags and left for San Francisco, I got sick.
And yes, I can hear you now: "But Randy, you were always sick." While this is true and has been demonstrated many times in the past, in this instance, I am not talking about the "sticking fire logs up your ass while masturbating to furry, woodland creatures" kind of sick but rather the "catching a disease that leaves you vulnerable and miserable until you drink enough medicine to make it go away" kind of sick. (Pretty sure they don't have any type of medication that stops burning embers from feeling wonderful inside your anus.) To summarize, there is "medicine sick" and there is whatever I had last week. It was like some sort of old Japanese monster movie but instead of Godzilla, there was the flu and instead of Mothra, there was this migraine headache and the two giants took their sweet time battling and completely destroying the city (which is represented by my body).
As you can guess based upon the fact that I just spent three paragraphs talking about my immortality, I don't get sick all that often so I am a little bit unprepared when it all goes down. I'm supposed to be spending my time "getting well" and apparently this "getting well" thing doesn't involve copious amounts of alcohol or drugs of the illegal variety. Kind of confused about how I am supposed to get well then but whatever. I will play your game. After much fighting and bickering, I was eventually quarantined to a back room and left alone without much else in the way of direction. What should I be doing and how should I pass the time? Honestly, I didn't have a clue but having survived the ordeal somehow, I am going to use magic brain energy to recall what I did during the tough times in the hopes that it'll help you, the average person, deal with your own inevitable misery.
Things To Do While Sick
You see, while I am almost invincible when it comes to many things, I am an extremely inefficient manager and director of tasks and these two inadequacies tend to create "problem areas" for me. Two weeks ago, my immune system wrote me a short email requesting a vacation and having never made use of said system in the past and improperly concluding that the wart on my left toe had nicknamed itself "immune system", I told it to go on and have fun, provided that I didn't get a phone call for bail money. Well, as it turns out, my immune system is a real thing and that mine is some sort of semi-important addition to my body's internal structure. Shortly after it packed its bags and left for San Francisco, I got sick.
And yes, I can hear you now: "But Randy, you were always sick." While this is true and has been demonstrated many times in the past, in this instance, I am not talking about the "sticking fire logs up your ass while masturbating to furry, woodland creatures" kind of sick but rather the "catching a disease that leaves you vulnerable and miserable until you drink enough medicine to make it go away" kind of sick. (Pretty sure they don't have any type of medication that stops burning embers from feeling wonderful inside your anus.) To summarize, there is "medicine sick" and there is whatever I had last week. It was like some sort of old Japanese monster movie but instead of Godzilla, there was the flu and instead of Mothra, there was this migraine headache and the two giants took their sweet time battling and completely destroying the city (which is represented by my body).
As you can guess based upon the fact that I just spent three paragraphs talking about my immortality, I don't get sick all that often so I am a little bit unprepared when it all goes down. I'm supposed to be spending my time "getting well" and apparently this "getting well" thing doesn't involve copious amounts of alcohol or drugs of the illegal variety. Kind of confused about how I am supposed to get well then but whatever. I will play your game. After much fighting and bickering, I was eventually quarantined to a back room and left alone without much else in the way of direction. What should I be doing and how should I pass the time? Honestly, I didn't have a clue but having survived the ordeal somehow, I am going to use magic brain energy to recall what I did during the tough times in the hopes that it'll help you, the average person, deal with your own inevitable misery.
Things To Do While Sick
Not Write AnythingSo, I'm feeling better now, having utilized my system of not reading the warning labels while self-medicating. This is a system for advanced members of society only, so I am not going to detail the steps involved here but it feels good to be back to not feeling not good. If you or someone you love plans on getting sick soon, hopefully you will find what I wrote above useful in passing the time until you are back and failing at the game of life once again.
If you're a reader of above-average astuteness, which is a word that I thought I just made up but didn't, you probably noticed that nothing got written during the previous week I was sick. Believe it or not, this was by design as opposed to the usual "extreme laziness mixed with hatred of all things internet" reason that I usually rely on. You see, using a complicated scientific formula that I call "experience," I have come to the conclusion that taking time out of my sick schedule to not write anything yields much better results than if I were to try and create the next great American novel. Need more proof? I was sick. I didn't write anything. I'm better now. See? Of course, this advice wouldn't help those of you who don't actually write anything ever. In that case, I can recommend punching yourself in the head as a suitable replacement for creative writing. Either way, you'll get a headache but once it clears up, you do feel better.
Get Fat
Have you ever wanted to gain a lot of weight in areas you don't specify and that probably don't look flattering to people who are checking out your figure from afar? Then getting sick sounds like something right up your alley. As you're going through your "getting well" stage, chances are high that you're not actively exercising, unless you count rolling around on the floor moaning and complaining as exercise. (Paraplegics do.) Because your body requires food to exist, you're probably eating and not moving very much. In other words, a day in the life of a person from the Midwest. Thanks to your caloric intake and immobility, you can use sickness as a vehicle to obesity. I did, and the results are quite visible.
Of course, some of you might say, "Randy, you were already fat before got sick and getting fatter doesn't really count as getting fat. Just fatter." Yes, that is true but unlike most ham beasts who eat deep-fried cheesecakes for breakfast but continue to proclaim that they have a glandular problem, I was actively doing something about my corpulence prior to succumbing to the Japanese Monster Terror sickness. I was starting to make great strides, too. I mean, I was to the point where if we were in a dark room and you closed your eyes and just spaced out for a while, I might actually appear skinny. Yeah, that's how close I was. Oh well. No better time than the present that starts sometime in the future to begin again. Just not today. I have a lot of leftovers in the fridge and I don't feel like being wasteful.
Stare At Stuff
In general, we all lead really busy and important lives. Some of those lives are actually important (bartender) while some simply have an inflated sense of self-worth (police officer) but either way, most often we are far too busy with doing "important" tasks like breathing to waste our precious free time staring at stuff. When you're sick, however, all that flies out the window. Based on the degree of how not well you are, chances are good that you'll probably be lying in bed doing nothing but giving yourself an occasional four fingered tug-job when you don't think anyone is looking. After that thrilling 30 seconds, you'll be left with despair and a lot of free time. Free time which can be used to stare at stuff.
Like, for example, you get to stare at the mess you just made in the sheets and you'll be staring at it for a while because you can't really move or anything. Maybe you'll notice that spider making a home in the corner of the room, also. You're kind of freaked out because he's big but you make a pledge to capture him once you're all better. Now, you took a catnap because staring at stuff is hard and once you wake up, the spider is gone. Where did he go? They don't just disappear. He's probably crawling along the floor now or even worse, he is in the bed with you. Maybe he's checking out the mess you made. Then you feel that twitch on your leg or something and you're convinced something is crawling all over you. That sucks. Jesus, no wonder people don't stop and stare at stuff very often.
Make Mental Notes
Because you're sick and following this guide, you're probably not writing anything down at this point because I already told you not to. So, we're going to have to rely on mental notes. Mental notes are like actual notes if the paper you wrote the note on was made of a mushy gray substance that deteriorated after one or two beers until the note becomes illegible. Mental notes are a great way to pass the sick time because you're only limited by your own imagination. Maybe you make some mental notes about all the amazing stuff that you're going to do once you get better. Go ahead and make this list as grand as possible. Don't worry, you're not going to actually do any of it. The great thing about mental notes is the lack of paper trail. Only you can see what an abject failure your life is. For me, I made a bunch of mental notes about stuff do to pass the time while I was sick. I promptly forgot all of it and just stole the stuff above from the internet.