As anyone who is anyone knows, assuming that the anyone I am talking about can read at at least a third grade level and gives 2/5ths of a crap about current events, the Obama presidency has been the subject of much controversy. Some people herald him as the change that our country needs while others are convinced that he is a Muslim extremist who for whatever reason believes in giving people socialized medicine. Maybe suicide bombing people who were going to die anyway doesn't get you as many virgins. I don't really know. Either way, Fox News says he is bad and I have no reason not to trust the fairness and balance they provide.

Recently, a lot of people have been yelling into megaphones and at other individuals who apparently enjoy tea bagging, calling for a revolution and more responsibility from our Government workers. For once, I agree. It's time for the master of the White House to own up to his past mistakes.

Little known fact: I knew Obama before he was a big-shot Presidential know-it-all. Back in 1981, he was just a struggling student at Columbia University, selling bootleg Bee Gees mix tapes just to make ends meet. We remained close for a few years before he moved back to Chicago in 1985. I refused to relocate to a place called "The Windy City" mostly because I have an innate distrust of Native Americans. We promised to stay in touch but similar to the days following an embarrassing one-night stand, neither of us ever bothered to call. During our four year tenure as 'friends', many of Obama's actions left a sour taste in my mouth and those kinds of wounds don't heal easily.

Enough is enough. Today, I decided to put my foot down and compile a list of all the dickish things that a young Obama did to me in the hopes that I can do my part in aiding the change in Government that all of us want to see.

President Obama, it's time to face the music.

Barack Obama kindly agreed to lend me his lawnmower. After realizing the lawnmower didn't work, I approached him and asked him why would lend me a broken lawnmower. He laughed and put his cigarette out in my eye.

Barack Obama routinely scoffed at public dumping regulations and would empty containers of toxic waste that he kept in his garage into the local water supply.

One time, while attending a sporting event, we both went to the bathroom at the same time. While standing at the urinal, not only did Obama do the "sideways peek," he giggled after looking and then purposely pissed on my shoes. He refused to apologize and told me to stop being such a pussy.

He claimed that he was going to "bring real rap back" but when I pressed him for what exactly that meant, he called me a bunch of racial slurs and kicked me in the balls.

We roomed together while on vacation in upstate New York and we agreed that if one of us found a lucky lady, we would hang a sock on the door as a signal for the other guy to not come in the room. Not only did Barack ignore my sock signal, he proceeded to sit on the bed next to mine and throw baby carrots at my date's head while calling her an "ugly hippopotamus."

Barack Obama broke three windows in my house just to prove that he could.

Traveled back in time and convinced my third grade teacher to hold me back for a year, thus putting a screeching halt to my burgeoning educational career and helping me become the idiot that I am today.

During 1982, money was pretty tight but I saved up all my spare coin to buy a new color television. I didn't have the TV for more than three hours before Barack Obama came over and defecated all over it. It still worked -- barely -- but the living room stank like rotten asparagus for the entire time I lived there.

Invited him to meet my boss during a Christmas party and after shaking his hand, he spit in his face and told him how worthless I was.

Barack Obama became friends briefly with a young John Mayer and encouraged him to follow his interest in making music while simultaneously being a complete asshole to him, thus giving birth the future racist guitar playing dickhead that we have today.

Used to try and pay for everything with monopoly money as a joke but then when the store clerk would notice and complain, he'd sigh heavily and pull out piles of pennies from his pockets to settle the tab.

Barack Obama got me hooked on painkillers after he refused to stop punching me in the arm during a three year game of "slug bug" that only he knew we were playing.

Stole my identity and purchased 30 typewriters with a credit account he opened in my name.

I asked Barack Obama to house-sit for me one time while I was out of town. I specifically told him to have no parties and to water my plants. Long story short: the plants died and I could never get the smell of cheap whiskey, ass and Astro Glide out of the carpet.

Took pictures of me in compromising positions and posted them on bulletin boards around town after he convinced me that experimenting in college was the thing to do.

Barack Obama borrowed my Star Wars VHS tape from me and when I got it back, he had dubbed over it with scrambled porn and a home movie of some child's birthday party.

Barack Obama used to keep a "masturbation log" which was a diary of sorts that detailed all of the times he spanked it, including when and where. He would routinely point out the entries that pertained to various rooms in my house.

He claimed that the refrigerator was his invention and demanded unobstructed access to anything inside mine whenever he came over. After I complained, he promised to pay me some money the next time he came over but whenever I brought it up, he would run over, cover my mouth and yell "Ssssssh" in my ear while looking around the room wildly as though my house were bugged.

Barack Obama got syphilis on purpose in order to give it to my girlfriend at the time, whom he was having a secret affair with.

Wrote erotic stories involving himself and Fabio and proceeded to read excerpts at any party he attended whether people wanted to hear or not.

Barack Obama prank called my house at all hours of the night and asked if my water was running.

Every time Barack Obama and I went out to eat in public, he would always ask the waiter or waitress if a specific item on the menu contained wheat or was made in a factory that also processed peanuts. He claimed that he was deathly allergic to peanuts but, really, he was just being a dick.

One time at a party Barack Obama bet our friend that he could successfully do that trick where you pull the tablecloth out really fast so that the everything sitting on top remain stationary on the table. We were all a little buzzed and stupidly accepted his bet. The end result was a lot of laughing by Barack Obama as he threw broken glass shards around the house and called himself the greatest magician that ever lived.

Barack Obama suffers from premature ejaculation and uses this fact to get out of jury duty. Barack Obama will then inform the courthouse that you have absolutely nothing going on that week and will gladly fill in for him.

Barack Obama misused aerosol cans during the time I knew him, thus Barack Obama is partly responsible for causing Global Warming.

Barack Obama is the only man I ever truly loved and he broke my heart.

But hey, not everyone involved in politics is a complete douche. One time, Sarah Palin lent me $5 when I was down on my luck and needed some money for gas. Also, she let me pet her retard baby a few times so she's super cool in my book. Sarah, you keep fighting the good fight!