Little known history fact: the idea of running a business that centered around profiting from the ability to re-tell recent events to other, uninformed people was first conceived and implemented in Germany in the late 1700's. The reason why this is a little known history fact is because we just completely made it up instead of doing any kind of real research into the matter. Look, we're not in the business of telling you the truth. We leave that to the American patriots who run Fox News. Besides, if we were in the actual news business, we'd probably get stuck doing some feel-good piece on a cat who went missing but found it's way home after three years and we would have to pretend that we cared. What never gets reported is that the family got sick of waiting and bought a new cat after a few months. The old cat really doesn't have a place to live any more and is scheduled to be put down. That kind of thing never gets mentioned on the air but we all know it's the truth.
Still, the fact that we're not in the business of reporting the news doesn't mean that we can't be in the business of talking shit about the work done by someone else. So, for a third time, we've convened the P.Net Round Table that is dedicated to scouring the for important, world changing news and then completely ignoring the stories. We then did a second search and found some stories that made us laugh so we decided to talk about those instead. Join us for another adventure in ways to lose brain cells as we continue to give you yet another reason for you to never read this site again.
Interracial couple denied marriage license in La.
Rad Tad: "I have piles and piles of black friends." Piles, he says. Piles.
Art: Who the hell uses "piles" as a measurement for an amount of people?
J.Truth: Racists.
Art: No, no. See, he's not racist! He's just keeping in mind that some people in this country are racist! We have to account for that.
RP: This is true. If we allow interracial children, the racists will probably be cruel to them so the children will have a terrible childhood. It'll be easier for everyone if we, while keeping those racists in mind, simply say no to interracial marriages from the get go.
Rad Tad: Clearly he's just thinking of the children.
J.Truth: Also, Barrack Obama needs to step down and let Biden assume being President. This isn't me being racist -- I just know that *some* people are racist so I am looking out for them.
RP: Why does he feel the need to assure us that he lets black people use his bathroom? It just seems like a weird thing to put on the "I'm not racist" list.
Art: Because he has piles and piles of black people in his bathroom and he needed to tell someone.
Rad Tad: Just how many black people would have needed to use his bathroom in order to make that a legitimate excuse as to why he is not racist? Anyone know a number?
J.Truth: At least ten. All at the same time.
RP: Well, I let black people use my bathroom and sleep on my sofa, so I wonder if that makes me some kind of super anti-racist.
J.Truth: Fun fact: If someone is accusing you of being anti-____, DO NOT use "I have tons of _____ friends!" as a rebuttal.
Rad Tad: True. Also, you shouldn't use the word "piles" when describing the amount of friends you have.
Art: You know he can't name more than two of these black friends he's supposedly got.
J.Truth: I got $5 that says he got his "friends" from here: http://www.rent-a-negro.com
RP: "I try to treat everyone equally." If I treat one interracial couple equally, I'd have to treat all interracial couples equally! So, in short, I treat all interracial couples equally shitty.
Art: What would he do if an interracial person wanted to get married? Would he only marry them to another interracial person who had the same ethnic mix? Would he deny them entirely? Or would he just scream "Abomination!" at them until they left?
Rad Tad: These are questions that clearly need answering.
J.Truth: I'd say it would depend on how dark the person is, or what race they looked most like.
RP: "I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way." Wait, that's pretty much the very definition of racism.
Rad Tad: Jessica Alba is the only proof you need in favor of mixing races.
Art: So, how exactly does not granting a marriage license preclude an interracial child from coming into existence?
J.Truth: I'm not sure what you're getting at. If they don't marry they can't have sex. The church says so.
Art: Oh, my bad.
J.Truth: Interracial children: society does not accept them. Society does, however, elect them to the office of President of the United States.
RP: Well, look at it this way. We all knew that we couldn't let Australia hold on to the "stupidly racial things your country does" title for very long. Way to snatch it right back, America. We're #1!
Overweight 'should be protected'
J.Truth: I find it surprising that San Francisco would pass a law making it illegal for doctors to talk to their patients about health-related matters.
Art: If fat people really can't hear from a professional doctor that they are unhealthy, that is the worst case of neglecting who you are I've ever heard.
J.Truth: When I go to the dentist, I make sure to tell them not to tell me what is wrong with my teeth.
RP: Poor self control should not be protected by law.
Rad Tad: Things like this make me hate fat people so I think that they are doing this whole "anti-discrimination" thing wrong.
Art: It's quite reasonable to hate people who are really fat because they obviously hate themselves anyway.
RP: Sloth and gluttony are perfectly acceptable lifestyle choices and if you disagree YOU ARE A BIGOT.
Rad Tad: I will literally do anything to make sure the Government doesn't take away my "groups of people I am allowed to hate unconditionally" right.
J.Truth: Well, I tend to agree that such discrimination is a hate crime but it's one I think most people can live with. Like people who discriminate against Nazi memorabilia collectors or who are prejudice against rattlesnakes. Sure, it's unfair but there is a good reason for it.
RP: What about rattlesnakes that collect Nazi memorabilia?
J.Truth: Nah, they're cool.
Art: God, if only these overweight people would eat delicious Subway Subs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They would lose hundreds of pounds and be way healthier. Why don't they realize that?
RP: You have the right to remain obese. Anything you eat can and will be used to make you even fatter than you already are.
Rad Tad: You have the right to a hot dog. If you cannot afford a hot dog, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand your rights to delicious pies and hamburgers with ranch dressing?
Art: Honestly, I only hate fat people because I own a buffet and they are the only ones I don't make a profit on.
J.Truth: http://www.naafaonline.com/dev2/ -- National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA).
RP: Fat people are tired of being considered 5/3 of a person!
Rad Tad: At the bottom of the NAAFA page is an advertisement for a book called "Health at every size". It's written by a woman named Linda Bacon.
RP: Delicious.
Art: OK, so this basically boils down to fat people wanting yet another excuse not to lose weight. I am simply shocked that people like this would rather ignore the issue entirely as opposed to actually doing something about fixing it.
RP: I dunno, there's a lot of weight to their argument.
J.Truth: Yeah, just don't let them get on a roll. You'll never get em to stop.
Rad Tad: Hey, it takes a lot of energy to protest and post about it on the internet. Hell, I'm burning calories right now just talking about it.
Art: A million scooter march is in our future!
RP: Attention fat protesters: Do something useful with your time. Like sit ups.
Rad Tad: In a couple of decades when fat people outnumber the healthy in America, there will have to be a healthy persons' rights crusade.
Art: Is the salt content of a fat person's tears greater than that of a healthy person?
J.Truth: I have a fat friend who cries delicious soy sauce. I hold his face over my plate and smack the shit out of him whenever we get Chinese. It's win-win.
Rad Tad: The best part about beating up on fat people is that you know you can outrun them if they ever fight back.
RP: You can also beat them longer because they're easier on your knuckles.
Art: It's like punching a marshmallow or having a one-sided pillow fight.
RP: In the end, I'm just glad that someone is bringing attention to the fact that those pesky doctors are trying to advise people to be healthy. They definitely needed to be reigned in a little.
Rad Tad: I know -- it's like they think that just because they go to school for 8 years to study medicine entitles them to spend the rest of their lives telling us what to do with our health.
Art: Well, remind me never to get fitness lessons at a YMCA.
RP: Or to ever go into a YMCA in the first place.
Still, the fact that we're not in the business of reporting the news doesn't mean that we can't be in the business of talking shit about the work done by someone else. So, for a third time, we've convened the P.Net Round Table that is dedicated to scouring the for important, world changing news and then completely ignoring the stories. We then did a second search and found some stories that made us laugh so we decided to talk about those instead. Join us for another adventure in ways to lose brain cells as we continue to give you yet another reason for you to never read this site again.
Interracial couple denied marriage license in La.
--RP: Well, this is certainly a step backward.
NEW ORLEANS – A Louisiana justice of the peace said he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, says it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.
"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."
Bardwell said he asks everyone who calls about marriage if they are a mixed race couple. If they are, he does not marry them, he said.
Bardwell said he has discussed the topic with blacks and whites, along with witnessing some interracial marriages. He came to the conclusion that most of black society does not readily accept offspring of such relationships, and neither does white society, he said.
"There is a problem with both groups accepting a child from such a marriage," Bardwell said. "I think those children suffer and I won't help put them through it."
If he did an interracial marriage for one couple, he must do the same for all, he said.
"I try to treat everyone equally," he said.
Bardwell estimates that he has refused to marry about four couples during his career, all in the past 2 1/2 years.
Beth Humphrey, 30, and 32-year-old Terence McKay, both of Hammond, say they will consult the U.S. Justice Department about filing a discrimination complaint.
--
Rad Tad: "I have piles and piles of black friends." Piles, he says. Piles.
Art: Who the hell uses "piles" as a measurement for an amount of people?
J.Truth: Racists.
Art: No, no. See, he's not racist! He's just keeping in mind that some people in this country are racist! We have to account for that.
RP: This is true. If we allow interracial children, the racists will probably be cruel to them so the children will have a terrible childhood. It'll be easier for everyone if we, while keeping those racists in mind, simply say no to interracial marriages from the get go.
Rad Tad: Clearly he's just thinking of the children.
J.Truth: Also, Barrack Obama needs to step down and let Biden assume being President. This isn't me being racist -- I just know that *some* people are racist so I am looking out for them.
RP: Why does he feel the need to assure us that he lets black people use his bathroom? It just seems like a weird thing to put on the "I'm not racist" list.
Art: Because he has piles and piles of black people in his bathroom and he needed to tell someone.
Rad Tad: Just how many black people would have needed to use his bathroom in order to make that a legitimate excuse as to why he is not racist? Anyone know a number?
J.Truth: At least ten. All at the same time.
RP: Well, I let black people use my bathroom and sleep on my sofa, so I wonder if that makes me some kind of super anti-racist.
J.Truth: Fun fact: If someone is accusing you of being anti-____, DO NOT use "I have tons of _____ friends!" as a rebuttal.
Rad Tad: True. Also, you shouldn't use the word "piles" when describing the amount of friends you have.
Art: You know he can't name more than two of these black friends he's supposedly got.
J.Truth: I got $5 that says he got his "friends" from here: http://www.rent-a-negro.com
RP: "I try to treat everyone equally." If I treat one interracial couple equally, I'd have to treat all interracial couples equally! So, in short, I treat all interracial couples equally shitty.
Art: What would he do if an interracial person wanted to get married? Would he only marry them to another interracial person who had the same ethnic mix? Would he deny them entirely? Or would he just scream "Abomination!" at them until they left?
Rad Tad: These are questions that clearly need answering.
J.Truth: I'd say it would depend on how dark the person is, or what race they looked most like.
RP: "I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way." Wait, that's pretty much the very definition of racism.
Rad Tad: Jessica Alba is the only proof you need in favor of mixing races.
Art: So, how exactly does not granting a marriage license preclude an interracial child from coming into existence?
J.Truth: I'm not sure what you're getting at. If they don't marry they can't have sex. The church says so.
Art: Oh, my bad.
J.Truth: Interracial children: society does not accept them. Society does, however, elect them to the office of President of the United States.
RP: Well, look at it this way. We all knew that we couldn't let Australia hold on to the "stupidly racial things your country does" title for very long. Way to snatch it right back, America. We're #1!
Overweight 'should be protected'
--RP: Well, I am certainly no lawyer but I'm pretty sure that "someone being beaten up" already is a crime. I don't think that the police are going to come by and go, "Well, the victim appears to be overweight, so the attacker did us all a favor."
(snippet)
Attacking someone for being fat should be a hate crime, campaigners say.
They want so-called "fat-ism" to be made illegal on the same grounds as race, age and religious discrimination.
A demonstration is being held outside the offices of the mayor of London asking him to lead the way in making sure employers are not prejudiced.
Protesters want the UK to follow San Francisco, where a law bans "fat-ism" in housing and employment and stops doctors pressing patients to slim down.
Sondra Solway, a San Francisco lawyer, said: "The San Francisco ordinance says you may want to mention weight to the patient but if the patient says they do not want to talk about that then you are asked to respect those wishes."
People who are very overweight do experience a lot of prejudice both in their social life and working life and do need some protection."
The campaigners, who belong to the Size Acceptance Movement, say surveys show 93% of employers would rather employ a thin person than a fat one even if they are equally qualified.
Kathryn Szrodecki, who campaigns on behalf of overweight people, said that in the UK fat people were stared at, pointed at, talked about and attacked.
She said: "I have been discriminated against - I am a YMCA qualified fitness instructor, but I have gone for jobs and been laughed off the premises."
Another campaigner, Marsha Coupe, said: "I have been punched, I have had beer thrown in my face, I have had people attack me on the train.
"They say 'Move out of the way fatty! Well person coming down the aisle!'"
Ms Szrodecki said: "This is a very common event - someone being beaten up should be a crime.
"It is not about who you are or what you have done, it is just about the way you look.
"You are allowed to shame us just because of the way we look."
Dr Ian Campbell of the charity Weight Concern said he was doubtful that legislation would have any immediate effect on the situation.
He said: "People who are very overweight do experience a lot of prejudice both in their social life and working life and do need some protection.
"We know that genetic and social reasons can lead to this very complex problem.
"For instance, people in inner cities are much more likely to be overweight because of poorer education, poorer housing and poorer job opportunities.
"Not everyone has a free choice about controlling their weight."
--
J.Truth: I find it surprising that San Francisco would pass a law making it illegal for doctors to talk to their patients about health-related matters.
Art: If fat people really can't hear from a professional doctor that they are unhealthy, that is the worst case of neglecting who you are I've ever heard.
J.Truth: When I go to the dentist, I make sure to tell them not to tell me what is wrong with my teeth.
RP: Poor self control should not be protected by law.
Rad Tad: Things like this make me hate fat people so I think that they are doing this whole "anti-discrimination" thing wrong.
Art: It's quite reasonable to hate people who are really fat because they obviously hate themselves anyway.
RP: Sloth and gluttony are perfectly acceptable lifestyle choices and if you disagree YOU ARE A BIGOT.
Rad Tad: I will literally do anything to make sure the Government doesn't take away my "groups of people I am allowed to hate unconditionally" right.
J.Truth: Well, I tend to agree that such discrimination is a hate crime but it's one I think most people can live with. Like people who discriminate against Nazi memorabilia collectors or who are prejudice against rattlesnakes. Sure, it's unfair but there is a good reason for it.
RP: What about rattlesnakes that collect Nazi memorabilia?
J.Truth: Nah, they're cool.
Art: God, if only these overweight people would eat delicious Subway Subs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They would lose hundreds of pounds and be way healthier. Why don't they realize that?
RP: You have the right to remain obese. Anything you eat can and will be used to make you even fatter than you already are.
Rad Tad: You have the right to a hot dog. If you cannot afford a hot dog, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand your rights to delicious pies and hamburgers with ranch dressing?
Art: Honestly, I only hate fat people because I own a buffet and they are the only ones I don't make a profit on.
J.Truth: http://www.naafaonline.com/dev2/ -- National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA).
RP: Fat people are tired of being considered 5/3 of a person!
Rad Tad: At the bottom of the NAAFA page is an advertisement for a book called "Health at every size". It's written by a woman named Linda Bacon.
RP: Delicious.
Art: OK, so this basically boils down to fat people wanting yet another excuse not to lose weight. I am simply shocked that people like this would rather ignore the issue entirely as opposed to actually doing something about fixing it.
RP: I dunno, there's a lot of weight to their argument.
J.Truth: Yeah, just don't let them get on a roll. You'll never get em to stop.
Rad Tad: Hey, it takes a lot of energy to protest and post about it on the internet. Hell, I'm burning calories right now just talking about it.
Art: A million scooter march is in our future!
RP: Attention fat protesters: Do something useful with your time. Like sit ups.
Rad Tad: In a couple of decades when fat people outnumber the healthy in America, there will have to be a healthy persons' rights crusade.
Art: Is the salt content of a fat person's tears greater than that of a healthy person?
J.Truth: I have a fat friend who cries delicious soy sauce. I hold his face over my plate and smack the shit out of him whenever we get Chinese. It's win-win.
Rad Tad: The best part about beating up on fat people is that you know you can outrun them if they ever fight back.
RP: You can also beat them longer because they're easier on your knuckles.
Art: It's like punching a marshmallow or having a one-sided pillow fight.
RP: In the end, I'm just glad that someone is bringing attention to the fact that those pesky doctors are trying to advise people to be healthy. They definitely needed to be reigned in a little.
Rad Tad: I know -- it's like they think that just because they go to school for 8 years to study medicine entitles them to spend the rest of their lives telling us what to do with our health.
Art: Well, remind me never to get fitness lessons at a YMCA.
RP: Or to ever go into a YMCA in the first place.