After suffering through three previous episodes of steamy Russian bride madness with Olga, I was pretty much ready to throw in the towel. I felt that the adventure had run its course and there wasn't much left to explore. If she was trying to run a scam, she was taking her sweet time about getting around to revealing it. I can only handle so many badly written emails detailing her mundane life choices before my brain starts to boil in its own juices.

So, I simply stopped replying.

She sent a few notes here and there, most of them duplicating what the earlier notes said with maybe one or two new sentences added. Not really anything worth wasting my time over. And then September 11th rolled around. Apparently, she had had enough of my non-responsiveness and decided that on our holy American patriots day, she was going to take a stand. I admit, it was a stand worth replying to.

From: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: (no subject)

Hello my dear Roger!

Today, my day has taken place as usually. Anything new. But when I have again come to the cafe Internet I have not seen your letter. I wish to tell to you, that I am simple in the big furiousness. Because in which day, I come to the cafe Internet what to find your letter, but as always. It there is not present. I give you last chance, that you would write me the letter. I ask you, that you would write me the letter.

What or the maintenance, it did not hold, I will wait for your letter in a current of 3 days. If you do not write the letter for these 3 days, then I simply cease to go to the cafe Internet what to search for your letter. If you really do not wish to write more. That I ask you. That you would write me it. That I would know it and did not suffer about this problem. I and time have spent many money with you. And I simply do not know, that to me to make.

I thought, that you that unique and unique which I searched so a long time. But as always. Now, I understand, that all men are similar against each other. It is not dependent where they live. All of you such cables. To you only to break hearts of girls. I know about some people who make very bad things with foreign men. You have broken my heart. If you really could not write all this time I will wait for your letter again. But only in advance I ask a pardon from you.

Your Olga!

To be lumped in with all of the other, dirty men in the world is an appalling thought to me. To think that she now considers all of us "such cables" just isn't something that Roger is going to sit idly by and take. Assuming that Roger ever finds out what the hell "cables" has to do with dating.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: (no subject)

Dear Olga, my dirty Post-It note,

After reading your latest letter, I will admit to being left a bit conflicted. The whole thing starts out fairly innocent and then you just kind of fly off the handle like some kind of female, Russian version of the Incredible Hulk and just like him, I don't like you when you're angry. Sure, I was a bit tardy in replying to the inane babble you call email conversation but that's really no reason for you to blow up at me like you did. You accused me of some pretty bad things like breaking your heart and while that was clearly my intention, it doesn't give you the right to go around saying that. I have half a mind to bring about a defamation lawsuit but you've already told me that you're pretty poor so I don't really see how that would benefit me.

And where the hell do you get the nerve to impose a timetable on me? "Write me back in 3 days or else." I wish that I could tell you about the last person that tried to pull that bullshit on me but the police investigation is still pending and I don't want to provide them with any additional information. Needless to say, it's something like "sleeping with the fishes" but in this case, they aren't sleeping and there are no fishes. I have an extreme dislike for aquatic lifeforms so I try to dump my victims as far from the ocean as possible. Don't think that just because you're in Russia that I don't have access to you. I have your address. I know where you live.

Oh, and you thought I was unique? You thought I was different from other men? Well, I thought you were different from the other crazy psycho bitch women who get too clingy and blow everything out proportion because I didn't reply to your stupid email after a few days. Lighten the fuck up, lady. You're 3000 miles away and I was busy having sex with people you don't know. We're not married. I'm not obligated to you. You send me unflattering pictures of yourself over the internet -- that doesn't exactly make us committed to one another. Seriously, if I liked it, I would have put a ring on it. Do you see a ring, Olga? Do you?

I'm trying to contain the anger I feel right now, Olga. The disappointment. I really thought that we had some kind of weird email relationship going on. A relationship that maybe could have really blossomed into something hilarious but now I am starting to question the very foundation that we have been building. You were the one extolling all manner of virtues into the relationship and, it seems, you're the first one to break them. You see, I've been going through a pretty tough time lately and rather than ask me directly about what the problem might be, you just decide to assume that I am cheating on you (I am), breaking your heart (check) and that the best course of action is simply stop communicating all together. Nice work, Olga. That's the mature way to work through problems.

And what the hell is up with the 180 degree flip at the end of your letter? You can't spend 95% of the email saying how I am horrible person and then close with "but if you decide to write me back, we're cool, so disregard all of the other stuff." I don't know how they do things in Russia but that kind of behavior doesn't fly with me. In fact, I just consulted my Ike Turner relationship handbook and it says that such contradictory talk is worth at least ten punches. Two to be delivered to the head. With jewelry on. Now, I'm willing to overlook some of this stuff because you're probably just young and stupid and I would wager you don't have a complete idea of who exactly you're dealing with but it should be noted if we ever do get to meet in person, you're at least getting a hard slap. I'm letting you off easy so consider it a warning shot not to act like that again.

Still, despite all of the tough talk, I'm not quite ready to give up on us yet. I have a feeling that you probably feel the same. Sure, I was pretty angry when I first read your letter but I look back on it now and I actually find it kind of cute that you got all worked up over our relationship. Well, I use "cute" as a relative term because let's be honest, I've seen the photos that you sent me and cute doesn't really describe them. Perhaps this was nothing more than a test of our strength together. You know, do we really have the longevity to make it work? I'd like to think so, Olga. I'd like to think so.

So, if you're willing to put up with some physical abuse to serve as penance for speaking out of turn, I'm willing to look the other way and forgive this entire incident. Maybe we can work towards starting over, back before I realized that you're both jealous and incompetent. Who knows, maybe we really can make this thing work.

If you feel the same, holla back at your boy.

Buying a hooker,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

This kind of response is pretty much a 50/50 chance that she'll never write me back again. I used it as a vehicle to be very mean to her and that makes me feel good but I imagine that if she ever figured out what it really said, she probably wouldn't be too happy about it. Still, if it was going to end, at least I went out having said my piece and standing my ground. You can't let strange Russian women walk all over you via email because I am pretty sure that is one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

A few weeks passed with no reply and I honestly thought that she had figured the whole thing out and the gig was up. Oh well, good riddance, right? Wrong. Apparently it's never too late to launch into your scam, even if it comes after a poorly-timed break-up letter. I know that there exists people who really do fall for this kind of thing and I simply have to shake my head at their gullibility.

From: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: The request for the help.

Hello my dear.

I ask you to excuse me that I did not write for a long time you the letter. I could not. I had very big problem which at me was not for a long time. I do not know, that to me to do. dear, I ask you, that you would understand my problem. The matter is that every day I went for work. To us promised for a long time wages. I did not write to you, because I did not have money what to descend in the cafe Internet.

Now, I borrow money at the acquaintances. But I shortly need to give them. I do not know, that to me to do. I would like to write to you further. To communicate with you. But I cannot. I do not have enough money what to live. The matter is that because I do not have money, I cannot come to the cafe Internet at all. As, I now need to pay for apartment. We with my mum use the best efforts. Its money suffices us only what to live. What to eat. And so. I do not know, that to me to do. I communicated with you for a long time already. You said to me, that you love me and trust me. I would like to ask you. You could not help me??

I would be very grateful to you if you have helped me. I do not know, how you concern me. But if you have helped me, then when I can rise to the feet I can arrive to you. We can meet. What do you think?? Well, I do not have almost time, I should finish.

I ask you, that you would help me. It is all that I ask you. I will wait for your letter. I hope, that you did not deceive me.

Yours Olga!

Oh no! You can't write me email because you're poor. Never mind that you left me hanging in the wind without any kind of contact for more than two weeks... THE VERY SAME THING YOU TRIED TO BREAK-UP WITH ME FOR DOING. A good thing I long stopped trying to find the logic in a scammer's operations.

The good news with Olga is that you can pretty much take every email as a completely blank slate. She's seems not to care what was said in the past and simply focuses on the present. With Olga, you have to learn to move on and dwelling on issues will get you nowhere.

It took nearly a month and half and finally we have the big reveal. She needs money. And maybe if I give her enough money, she'll be able to come out and live with me, which would, in turn, cost me more money down the road. But hey, I can sympathize with a person in need. I have plenty of money to go around so why not see if I can help her out? First, however, I need to get to the bottom of a few things.

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: The request for the help.

Dearest Olga, my soggy cheerio,

I shall start out this letter by asking that you accept no less than one thousand apologies from me. I know that it has only been a few days since we last corresponded but I also now know about your tendency to flip the fuck out, so for that I am 39% sorry. You see, I came down with a case of swine flu and was unable to have access to my email. OK, maybe it was just a case of regular flu but it turns out that just before I got sick, I sort of dry-humped my neighbor's pig and the rest of the town started freaking out. "It was just the tip!" I told them but they wound up putting me in quarantine anyway. They had me on some crazy vitamin cocktail for a few days which I mistakenly mistook to be suppositories. Needless to say, I am still having trouble sitting down.

It saddens me slightly to hear about your current predicament. Not really so much the actual situation you find yourself in but rather because you once again used your personal problems as opportunity to butcher the English language. We haven't spoken in quite some time and I figured the least you could do was bone up on some writing classes. I want you very much to come to America and make sweet love to my farm animals but I'm not going to go through all that effort if you're just going to get over here and embarrass me with your grasp of linguistics. I'm kidding, of course. As long you know enough to say that you charge $10 for the hand and $25 for the mouth, you'll do just fine. Just remember, no freebies. Daddy doesn't like freebies.

On the topic of me flying you out here, I just want to again bring up the fact that while I have followed through with exactly zero of my promises, I expect more out of you. You've managed to entice me with all manner of guarantees and yet you have delivered on none. You said that you were going to send me some of your music and you never did. I had an agent from Shithole Records ready to take a listen and potentially offer you a music deal but you never delivered. You mentioned that you were going to send me some pictures of your great city and you again failed on that regard. Between you and me, I don't really care about some run-down third world city but, you know, you said you would show me and I am going to hold you to that. If I wanted to check out pictures of crappy villages, I would just Google image search for "Detroit."

So, I am just sitting here starting to question our relationship. You spoke much about the virtues of trust and love but I don't really see you putting much effort in to that regard. You want me to send you money to help you out but I am starting to wonder if that's a really good idea. As for me, I've been living every day based on the virtuous relationship we founded. For example, I "love" the fact that you are thousands of miles away because I am putting my "trust" in plenty of other, more local women who, frankly, look about 2,000 times hotter than you. Like, imagine the temperature on Neptune and then imagine the temperature of the Sun. Shit is like that.

But as heartless as I am, I can see that you are in a bad spot and hey, there is always room for one more on my cleaning staff. Two if your mom wants to come out. I've asked you about her repeatedly and you just blatantly ignore what I write. It's that kind of crap that sends me into a blind rage and I wind up punching the crap out of some homeless people. It's cool if you just want it to be you and me in America but for the love of God, shut the hell up about your mom. Either produce or zip it. I can only fantasize so long about the threesome between us before I start to give up hope.

So, the bottom line is that you can't pay your bills. To think that you don't have enough money to even check email at an Internet cafe simply crushes my soul. It's like a gigantic fat chick is laying on top of me, her hungry eyes ready to feast on my immortality like it was some kind of eternal Thanksgiving buffet. So what are we to do?

You need money. I've got plenty of it. The question is, if I give you enough money to pay off your debts, what can Olga do for me? It's a quid pro quo kind of situation. Nothing in life is free. Also, if I do give you enough money to pay your rent, does that mean that you don't want to come live with me in America? As soon as we work out the paperwork details, you wouldn't need to pay rent on anything anymore. I got enough room for you, your mom, and that hot little number Natasha if she's feeling adventurous.

Let me know how I can help you, Olga. I'm naked and ready.

With Salty Balls,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

So, that's where we're at right now and you can consider yourself fully caught on the soap opera that is Olga's scam. Whether you see another installment in the Spam 6 series largely depends on what her reply consists of. Assuming she even bothers to write me back. I keep waiting for her email account to get canceled again but maybe now that I am being more responsive, I can get back into her good graces. Deep down inside, I'm just a lonely, wealthy American who desires horrendously mediocre Russian women. And they say that America is the land of opportunity. That's such bullshit.