A little over ten months ago, we ran a series of updates that detailed the then new feature of Google suggestions, an attempt by the search engine to auto-complete the topics that you may be looking for. Unfortunately for them (and fortunate for us), the filtering of suggestions wasn't very strict when the service debuted and much fun was had typing in random topics to see what inane, random, related results would come up. It took a few weeks and some public notice but eventually Google refined the algorithm for offering up suggestions and the party, it seemed, was over.
Flash forward to now. Google still remains the number one search engine on the internet and the amount of stupid people creating content continues to grow. It's no surprise then to find that some wonderfully hilarious suggestions have started to creep back in to otherwise innocent search topics. Sure, it takes a bit more work and a lot more patience but honestly, if you're the type of person who gets off on things like this, wasting copious amounts of time on trivial tasks also probably doesn't bother you. We here at the P.Net Department Of Searchable Internet Terms have put our best and brightest at work to compile a brand new list of all of the things you shouldn't be searching for.
Flash forward to now. Google still remains the number one search engine on the internet and the amount of stupid people creating content continues to grow. It's no surprise then to find that some wonderfully hilarious suggestions have started to creep back in to otherwise innocent search topics. Sure, it takes a bit more work and a lot more patience but honestly, if you're the type of person who gets off on things like this, wasting copious amounts of time on trivial tasks also probably doesn't bother you. We here at the P.Net Department Of Searchable Internet Terms have put our best and brightest at work to compile a brand new list of all of the things you shouldn't be searching for.
Why? Why do you search Google for this? Why have enough other people searched for this that it comes up as a suggestion? That being said, if you and your son are serious about the need to "plow" me, could you at least forward me a copy of his sexual resume for my review? While I admit that I don't have high standards, I don't allow just anyone's son to plow me without good reason or a bottle of 151. Also, please let me know if the son who wants to plow me is the same son who wants to wear panties. Inquiring minds need to know.
This one time, I almost died because I choked on some ramen noodles that I was eating for lunch. Shortly thereafter, some ninja broke into my kitchen and started nunchuking me while I was still choking. It hurt pretty bad. Chinese people are to blame for both of these things.
Things I am also extremely terrified of:
1. my shadow
2. green beans
3. pencils
3. Japanese people (because they look so much like Chinese people)
5. the number 4
6. people who question my absurdly racist values
Look, I'm not stupid. I know that they have those election things and that everyone is out asking everyone else to rock the vote or whatever but all I am asking is who actually elects the President? I just want his name. This doesn't have to be difficult.
Mr. Jenkins, based upon the financial information you have provided us, your current net salary and projected future earnings, it's the bank's decision that you can afford 3 seasons of House on DVD. However, we're willing to upgrade your status to 4 full seasons but only if you promise to buy used copies off eBay.
Seriously? I am all for being lazy and making Google do all of the work but I imagine the trouble involved in opening up a web browser, loading up the Google page, typing in "what's the date" into the search box, clicking search, and then sorting through the provided results is just slightly more involved than simply HOLDING YOUR MOUSE CURSOR OVER YOUR COMPUTER CLOCK AND WATCHING THE DATE POP-UP. But maybe that's just me.
It is an extremely scientific process that involves seltzer water and the consumption of a Boston creme pie during the months of February or March. Also, having sex.
Well, what if you didn't have a dutch oven? The entire fragile underwater ecosystem would collapse into a smoldering ruin leaving huge numbers of sea life homeless and without the means to support themselves. This would create a huge influx of water-based immigrants into the United States which would fracture our already divided population on the policies of letting illegals integrate into our society and the huge increase in welfare recipients would bring our under-equipped financial sector to the brink of total destruction. Good thing you really do have a dutch oven and you were just goofing around at work typing hypothetical scenarios into Google. The rest of America thanks you.
Yes, I really need to pee but I absolutely hate going all by myself. I guess I better load up Google and see who else needs to also go pee right now. If I know that other people in the world also have to go pee, I will feel much better about doing it myself. No, I'm not insecure. Why would you say that? Oh, crap. 20,900,000 results. This could take a while. I hope I don-- too late. OK, time for a new Google search: "Help, I just peed in my pants."
Possible reasons your bird refuses to eat your diarrhea:
1. he isn't hungry
2. he plans on going swimming soon and would like to avoid cramps
3. still clinging to his atkins diet
4. he has an eating disorder and is simply crying out for attention
5. religious fasting
6. birds don't eat diarrhea you sick fuck
While I don't have much experience in dealing with husband problems, namely because America still refuses to legally allow me to marry another man, I can offer the following advice:
Perhaps your husband hates and ignores you because you constantly nag him about being a depressed, unemployed alcoholic who cheats on you. Try sharing his interests and see if any of these are activities that you can do together. Or, maybe just stop being a nagging bitch who searches Google every time she has a problem with her husband. All that time wasting on the internet could have been better spent cleaning the house or cooking a nice meal for your man. Love is a two-way street, sister.
Personally, I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger who plays Harriet Tubman in a Broadway-on-ice production while wearing a tuxedo shirt but I guess the goodness of the lord comes in a very close second. Also, I am pretty sure that one man doesn't constitute a pack of anything, regardless of what you like to think about yourself.
Little known fact: I spend my weekends hanging out with meth dealers and addicts because I too am all about speed. Hot, nasty, bad ass speed. Also, I am all about popcorn. Hot, nasty, bad ass popcorn. Clearly the best kind of popcorn. This kind of popcorn is great because this kind of popcorn is good.
It's, uh, for research and is in no way related to the fact that I just drugged and kidnapped a quadriplegic under the misconception that they could, in fact, get an erection but the one quadriplegic that I don't have tied up in my basement doesn't seem to be functioning as planned and now I am starting to second guess the entire plan that I didn't come up with or execute flawlessly and I figured that maybe I should ask Google about my non-situation. Also, I have updated my facebook status: Do you think a quadriplegic would find me attractive? But that was strictly a coincidence.Stick around, more fun with Google awaits in a future update. Or does it? Honestly, I'm not really sure myself because I typed "more fun with Google awaits" into Google but it took me to a website that had pictures of a corn field maze and now all I can think about is Thanksgiving and the movie Signs. This year, I am extremely thankful that I haven't been subjected to watching Signs again. The search "why does m night shyamalan suck" returns over 800,000 results. Good for you, internet. Good for you.