From: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: Roger I shall wait from you the letter soon!

Hi my dear friend Roger!

And again I receive from you the letter. And you know, I am glad to this letter from you Roger. Dialogue with you is interesting for me. I think that its very interesting to communicate with you. Many thanks to you for your beautiful and big letter. I read it very long. From me has occupied a lot of time. As, many thanks to you for your full address and your full name. I will write down it just in case.

Today my day has passed not absolutely well as it would be desirable. On my work I saw unpleasant case. It happens in many countries and cities of our world, but I can tell it to you. Very pleasant for us nurse works have problems with the husband. Their relations have developed after a marriage not so well and after got pregnant and birthed of the child their relations only were complicated also distances an appreciable crack in their relations. This the nurse call Natasha and husband Vasily. This Vasily doesn't work anywhere and also our dear employee Natasha very much suffers because of it. And today Vasily came on our work in a state of intoxication, he started to demand money, his thirst could calm only one bottle of an alcoholic drink.

But our Natasha refused on all egos of the requirement to give him money. And this the man (I don't have words such as I could name him) Was threw on the wife and started to beat our kind and good Natasha. We the female collective of hospital came in the late time, therefore Natasha has received some serious traumas from her husband. And when arrived the police and began to take away Vasily, his wife Natasha run out and risened before a policeman that they could not take away his husband.

I recollect it with a pain. I very much understand Natasha, she love the husband and could do nothing with it. While her husband use her. I against such relations. I think that its very bad when the husband in a similar way uses the wife for the similar purposes. Its very pity to Natasha. She sincerely likes and doesn't notice bad things which her husband does. Do you understand Roger that only I want to have the man who will give me only the love. I have more than anything from it,its necessary for me. I don't want that any trouble has happened with me.

Therefore I'm not intereste to have the man in Russia. I cannot rely on such the man and I haven't any trust to the person who deceive me. Haw I can trust such to the man? I would not want to love such the man. And consequently when I had long acquaintance with the guy. We met with him 1,5 years, he started to use my trust in the bad purposes and I left this person. My disappointment in the Russian men is very great and consequently I have decided to get acquainted with you. I think it is good that I made the acquainted with you Roger.

I know that is possible sometime you ask me about arrival in your country. And you already know that I cannot afford arrive to you. Also I know about many a case when women from Russia deceive men from other countries and consequently I shall never ask your money. I want no questions on mistrust. I saw people who very rich to live, but they aren't so happy and now I understand that I'm the girl who earns to itself the money and let it a little. But I can be pleased to lives and help for a life to mother. I understand necessity of money but its not the main thing for me. There are vital values for me which at the cost much more surpass money. And I shall be glad to know that you also the person who appreciates instead of money namely feelings. I ask to forgive me if I something have offended in the letter, I sincerely did not want it to do. But now I'm finishing the letter Roger.

Thanks that you have read this letter. You are for me more than the friend.

Always yours faithfully, Olga!

(click for big)

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: Roger I shall wait from you the letter soon!

Hello Olga, my lubricated turtle!

My day is always brightened when I open up my mailbox and find out that a new letter has arrived from you. With all of the bad people out there on the internet trying run some scam or another, it's very refreshing to finally meet someone like you online who is genuine and doesn't bother to hide the fact that she probably has down syndrome. I mean, it's really not something that you should be ashamed of because who knows, that extra chromosome might really come in handy one day. Perhaps it holds the key to super-human strength or something. Probably not, you know, but my therapist told me that I should start saying positive things to people whom I would otherwise consider retarded.

Speaking of retarded, thank you so much for continuing to send me all of those wonderful pictures of yourself. I've started a home crafts project to create a wall mural dedicated solely to you. It's a little ghetto because I am not really that good with construction but I managed to set aside some glue that I promised myself I wouldn't sniff and started pasting things to the wall. Since I don't have that many pictures of you yet, I interspersed some of your pictures with pictures of actual models to whom I find more attractive than you. I hope that you don't mind but let's be real: a entire wall of just your pictures would make me softer than unbaked cookie dough and that doesn't work when I am trying to please myself. You know the drill. I even built a special little shelf where I can put little Olga collectibles like bits of your hair and maybe some jars of saliva. I don't have any of those things yet but I have my fingers crossed that the people I hired will bring me some soon. If you see some strange people hanging around you while you're trying to sleep, don't panic. They're with me.

It was very interesting to me to hear more about your co-worker Natasha. Does she swing much? Don't get offended; I'm just asking if maybe I can get some 2-for-1 action because that guy, Vasily, sounds like a real douchebag and Natasha sounds like she could use a break. Either way, whatever. I'm just throwing that out there "just in case." I'm here for you or your friends (or both) and I just want you to know that.

It sounds like you ladies have your hands full dealing with Russian men. Honestly, they don't sound much different than some American men I know so apparently that's just the way things go. I have a friend, Wes, who is a total slob. He drinks all day and parties all night without the need for a job because he married some chick who is working two jobs to support him. I hang out with him all the time because he's totally cool and gives me tons of money but that doesn't mean that I agree with his life choices. He doesn't beat his wife like Vasily did but sometimes he does beat me if I ask nicely. Whatever -- it's the weekend and sometimes we don't have anything to do. Sun tanning naked and jerking each other is NOT gay. I don't care what society says.

With all of this talk about abusive men and horrible husbands, sometimes I wonder if the ancient Greeks weren't on to something though. I mean, sure, you could marry a girl if you wanted but sometimes, maybe you just wanted to wrestle with a little boy while you were not wearing pants. No one judged you and the little boy was getting some valuable life experiences in the process. I'm not saying that doing such things with a boy is something that is up my alley but, you know, if I was in an alley and the time was right, who knows what would happen. I'd probably just get mugged knowing my luck. Have you ever been mugged Olga? It's not fun. Unless you're just role-playing.

This one time, I asked this chick if we could role play and she was totally down with it. We decided on doing the whole "I'm going to break into your house because I am a mean criminal" scenario and she was stoked. She got on the bed and waited for me upstairs while I broke into the house through the window. After 10 minutes or so, she came downstairs and saw me disconnecting her new plasma TV from the wall. She asked what the hell I was doing and told me that she was going to call the police. I tied that bitch up, yanked the phone out of the wall, and ran off with the TV. I kept role-playing all the way to the pawn shop where I made a cool $2000.00. If I start something, I'm going to see it all the way to completion.

I understand your situation about wanting to get out of Russia but not having the financial means to do so. I want to get on the Forbes 100 list but I am a few dollars shy myself, so I can sympathize. I really want to meet you, Olga, since I consider you a wonderful friend. I appreciate the fact that you would never ask me for money because I got that shit locked up tight but maybe we can work something out. What would be the ideal way to proceed? I mean, I could always plan a trip out to Russia at some point. That way I could meet up with your Mom and maybe Natasha and we can have a good old nasty time together. Of course, I can always see about making arrangements for you in San Francisco as well. If you're ashamed of me, perhaps we could meet in some adjacent country where nobody knows who we are. I have some contacts in Nigeria and India that can help us out there.

I don't know, I guess you tell me what to do. I will wait patiently to hear back from you. I enjoy our conversations and look forward to many more like them because I am a sucker for the incomprehensible.

With Prescribed Love,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

From: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
To: "Roger" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: I wait from your the letter Roger, with hope!

Hey my dear Roger!

I again receive your letter and I very much like to receive your letters Roger. You in 1000 miles from me and seems a little bit strange when you so far from me, but however you continue write to me the letters Roger! I admit that I sympathize you and its probably even more. You write me in any time, Arouse the some sensations I'm at you? Are you feeling the liking to me? Arise feeling when you write or speack with the person, that you know this person all life. As if we know each other all life and my life connect with you Roger. I have removed the questionnaire for the sake of you from the Internet and now I correspond only with you. You very necessary to me and I don't wish to lose you. I'm true to you! I cannot explain it but its possible. Haw you can explain it to me Roger?

When I read your letters which you have written, sometimes re-read several times so to understand that you write to me. Sometimes I have problems with reading your letters because I use the translator program for understand your letters. But I try to understand yours e-mail completely. Its understanding very important for us Roger. If the people don't understand each other it is not possible to build some relations. Do you agree with me Roger?

I think relations between the man and the woman should be equal in rights (50/50). I cannot allow that my partner consider me with contempt or smaller interest. Do you understand it Roger? I think that if the woman have decided to devote yourself for a life (not for entertainments) its necessary respect her, also to like and properly concerns her. And I know experience of my girlfriend Natasha I shall never allow so to address with myself. I think you understand it Roger. So if you have really decided to choose serious relations it should be not violence with respect to one person, we shall give obligations each other, such as: respect, trust, love, sincerity.

I can enumerate this list during long time but it not so important. In my mind that you in any sense trust me and believe me, that it is not casual. Probably our meeting is destiny but I don't know it. In the world is a lot of things about which we does not know or simply does not understand it. And now I have question. Do you want really serious relations with me? It is very important knowing to me with all sincere. Because the further dialogue with me perhaps will not pleasant to you and if you decide to write to me and do not want to see my letters.

Now I'm very much worry and would like to know your opinion concerning my letter, I can understand so many things concerning me and you Roger. I want to send you a photo of my city. So you can see place where I live and I want to ask that you will send me a photo of your city and tell me where do you live. I very want to see your house and your place of work and what do you do and where go for a walk. Well? I very much hope that you tell me all this!

Now I shall tell you a small history from my childhood. In the childhood I have tried to study the world but in the majority of a case has understood that it isn't impossible. The life casual also is unpredictable. And it meaning of the life-to be unpredictable. If you know what will be tomorrow it would become boring to live. Are you afree with me Roger? And consequently when I look at your letters, think that you probably that person with whom I will be happy and also to give me a new life as well as I to you. But I do not know about your next letter beforehand and consequently I think that for me it will be important to know your opinion and consequently I wait from you the letters with the big hope. I think you understand everything in this e-mail.

If I have written to you that you don't take offence on me I very badly use a computer and the Internet!

With all sincerity from the heart to yours Roger.
Olga!

From: Roger Garrison [roger@4kb.com]
To: Olga [internet-cafe] [olgalove99@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: I wait from your the letter Roger, with hope!

Hello Olga, my tainted seaweed!

It has been many days since we last corresponded and because of that, I want to start out with an apology. I had a pregnancy scare that I had to, you know, take care of so I didn't have the time this week to sit around and chat on the internet. The guy I was with promised me that he would pull out in time but, surprise, he didn't. Men are such pigs. Also, I learned something very valuable from the doctor: apparently shoving an entire regulation size NFL football up your rectum is not very healthy. Wow, what a total knowledge bomb. Who knew something that could feel so good would be so bad for you? Just when I thought that I knew everything there was to know about medical stuff. (I watch a lot of House and ER on television.)

I've been in a very bad mood for the past couple of days. One of my good friends called me and told me that his dog recently died. This nearly brought me to tears but of course, I didn't cry because I am not some sissy faggot who watches theater. It's just that the dog and I were close. VERY close, if you get my drift. I loved that little guy. It wasn't unusual for me to head over to his house with a jar of peanut butter and be MIA for the entire weekend. Shit was that good. But, you know, I guess you have to look on the bright side: with the dog dead, now there is more room in my heart (and pants) for you, Olga. Congratulations, you are the replacement for a dog. You can call you friends and finally tell them that you've made it.

I spent some time yesterday reading through all of the past letters that you sent me and I was very excited to re-learn that you are a musician. I, myself, and sometimes when I am not myself enjoy music immensely. I once had an orgy while listening to music and it was the highlight of my day yesterday. You mentioned that you could send me some of the music that you have made and I am very excited about giving it a listen. If you are half as good as keyboard cat is, I can't wait to hear some of your work. I'll try and remind you later in this letter to send some music along because knowing you, you'll probably forget about the music and never mention it again. I do that too, sometimes, but mostly only about the memories of Christmas with my "uncle" at his house.

I think it's really cute that you are so opinionated about a great many things like marriage and how a women should be treated. You sound as though you have really given these things a lot of thought and that they mean a lot to you. I mean, honestly, it's not like your ideas really matter to me because I run things out here like I see fit but you seem so motivated about them. Never mind that it's like watching a crippled puppy try and jump up on the couch or a paraplegic who pledges to walk again. That's not going to happen without some kind of divine intervention. When you use big words and talk of your grand ideas, it makes me laugh with my mouth and occasionally with other body parts.

I wholeheartedly agree with your list of obligations: respect, trust, love, and sincerity. Respect, as in you would respect me or suffer a trip to the hospital and trust that I wouldn't rat you out to immigration or something for a quick buck. I'd love nothing more than to bring sincerity to the relationship but I am pretty sure that last part is against a religion that I just made up. I ran into a Muslim guy the other day and he was talking all about his 72 virgins in heaven or whatever. I'm like, fuck that, I got this fine broad out in Russia who probably likes double penetration. What the hell do I need with a virgin? He ran off after that and I think blew up some shopping center or something. I didn't care much. It was only a Trader Joe's and only hippie people shop there. Not shaving your armpits should be a crime.

I would very much like to see some pictures of your city and I will work on collecting some of mine. I know a few homeless people up the street who I can probably pay to pose in funny positions while I snap the photos. You know, like having four of them do the YMCA thing or maybe two of them could be having sex while the other guy breaks into a car in the background. Maybe I will call the series "Homeless people committing felonies." I don't know, I'm just on some crazy artistic shit right now so if you're not on my level, I understand. I've been taking uppers for four straight days and I am w-i-r-e-d. I'll sleep when I am dead, which might not be too far away if I keep going like I am.

Anyway, I got two midgets coming over to the house to talk with me about redecorating the lower half of my walls so I probably ought to wrap this up and send it off. Not to mention that you said you are waiting for this letter with big hope and I have no idea what that is but it sounds kinky. Please give Natasha my love and tell her to holla at me too. She sounds like she knows how to take a beating and I admire that. Running away and crying doesn't help the bruises heal any faster.

I look forward to hearing back from you again, Olga and maybe you can include some pictures and samples of the music you made. I'm not saying that I am going to get mad but seriously, if I don't get any samples of music in the next letter, I am going to decapitate my neighbor's parakeet and blame it on you. I'm kidding, of course, but I wouldn't recommend trying my patience on the matter.

With A Pickled Johnson,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com