As a rule of thumb around the P.Net Campus, we prefer to be in the news rather than sit on the sidelines and read about it. The fact that no major, respectable news outlet has picked up on us notwithstanding, we feel that we are doing an amazing job at whatever it is we've been doing and as such we have no plans to abandon our current course of action. Besides, reading stuff is tough and admittedly we're pretty lazy. (Full disclosure: occasionally we will catch a news segment on Telemundo but it's in Spanish and we're really not paying attention to anything other than the hot Mexican women in tight clothing telling us about a country we don't care about.)

That said, the staff members here wouldn't be the gigantic hypocrites that they are today if we actually followed the rules and a few months back, we decided to take a stab at this "news thing" and see what it was all about. The results were pretty mediocre, so just about on par with everything else that we do. (Only you can prevent us from looking like unfunny jackasses. Use your power and rock the vote!) We've never really been keen on learning from our mistakes so take equal parts slow Tuesday and boredom and the result is yet another news story round table update.

The usual cast of characters is back for round two as we dissect and discuss news that is important to everyone. Of course, by important I really mean stories that no one cares about but us and we really only care about them because we found some way to make fun of the people involved. Solely reporting on a story based of facts is elementary school stuff. We're in the big leagues over here (junior high). So join me, J.Truth, Art Dodger, and the wonderfully idiotic Rad Tad as we read and discuss some important and life-changing shit.

Boy drank gasoline to copy his TV heroes

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A 14-YEAR-OLD boy drank gasoline for five years to obtain "energy" - just as his idols "Bumble Bee" or "Optimus Prime" do in "Transformers," the Sichuan-based West China Metropolis Daily reported yesterday.

After the boy, in Yibin City, southwest Sichuan Province, had watched the animated TV series, he began to drink gasoline to become a "valiant fighter" like "Optimus Prime," his father told the newspaper.

"He began to drink gasoline five years ago, when we found he liked smelling lighter fuel," he said.

The boy's mother owned a grocery stall, selling small goods such as lighters.

In 2004, she often found lighters missing two or three days after she'd bought them. She later found that her son had been stealing them.

The parents talked to their son and asked him not to do it again. "But afterwards we found our motorcycle's gasoline was always disappearing, and one day when we found the boy had drunk a half bottle of gasoline stolen from the motorcycle, we were too shocked to say anything," the father said.

They locked the motorcycle away after that but the boy began to steal gasoline from neighbors and was drinking more and more - two or three bottles at a time.

"Since my son started to drink gas, his IQ has dropped sharply and now he can't figure out simple addition and subtraction," the father said.

"Before that, he was a very smart boy, and he could even repair the television. But now he does not know the answer of 7 plus 17."

The worried parents finally took their son to hospital where they were told the boy had a mental disorder and a strong "gasoline dependence."

"The gasoline contains a lot of lead, which can do harm to people's brains. To make thing even worse, the boy is in the physical development stage, and the lead has caused serious damage to his body," Peng Houquan, a doctor from a hospital in Yibin, said.
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RP: Cool, China has a Florida, too!

Rad Tad: I love the parents in the article. "Before that, he was a very smart boy" - Yeah, not so much.

J.Truth: If the kid started drinking gasoline to "obtain energy" and be a "valiant fighter", he wasn't that bright to begin with. I don't care if he could fix a TV, he began life as a dipshit.

RP: Why do I get the feeling that "repairing the television" consisted of whacking it on the side when the horizontal hold went out?

Rad Tad: Or he was born taller than 5'2" and was the only one in the house that could reach up to adjust the rabbit ears so that the Chinese version of American Idol came in with a little less static.

Art: I love that they point out in the article that his IQ dropped and I wonder if that's even possible. Clearly a kid drinking gasoline doesn't exactly have points to spare.

RP: It's negative now. He actually saps the intelligence of people around him like some kind of crazy wizard.

Art: Yeah, for a TV repairing wonder kid, he failed miserably to figure out a pretty simple concept such as "don't drink gasoline you idiot".

J.Truth: "Autobots! Transform and... holy fuck, look at that retard drinking gas!"

Rad Tad: This is just more media scare mongering. There is no proof that drinking gasoline is harmful.

RP: If only the Transformers universe had room for a Hybrid. This kind of shit might not happen.

J.Truth: I'm surprised that they still have lead in their gasoline.

Rad Tad: It's China -- not even their toys for children are unleaded.

Art: Anything can happen in China. I mean ANYTHING.

Rad Tad: I'm thinking that we should start putting the blame where it rightfully belongs - on the oil companies - for making gasoline so easy to drink.

J.Truth: I'll contact the parents and start the lawsuit. I'm thinking at least a class action.

Art: Couldn't this kid realize after the first four years that he didn't have super powers yet and that gasoline didn't taste good?

RP: Yeah, and why Transformers? They didn't even use gasoline.

J.Truth: It would have been OK if he decided to get hooked on Energon Cubes instead.

Rad Tad: I'm pretty sure the transformation process involves touch the Allspark. This kid was going about it all wrong.

RP: It hurts me to consider the things his body was trying to metabolize.

Art: "We were too shocked to say anything."

J.Truth: Instead, we decided to let our son drink himself into mental retardation because we didn't know what else to do.

RP: But.. they locked up the motorcycle! They did everything that they could!

Art: If only Optimus Prime were still alive... I bet he would have a lot to say to this misguided child.

Rad Tad: Did Optimus Prime know what 17 + 7 was?

J.Truth: No. He was too busy fucking Megan Fox to worry about math.


Taco Bell dog dead at 15

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She charmed millions without ever saying a word — and managed to make fast-food tacos adorable. Gidget, the Chihuahua best known for her Taco Bell ad campaign (and her famous overdubbed tagline, "Yo quiero Taco Bell"), died from a stroke on Tuesday night at age 15.

"She made so many people happy," says Gidget's trainer, Sue Chipperton. PEOPLE met both Gidget and Sue at a Hollywood animals photo shoot in February, where the pup was a consummate pro and delighted the crew with her playful nature.

"When she's on a set, she comes alive," Chipperton said at the time. But when the mostly retired canine actor wasn't joining her trainer on shoots, the 15-year-old was happy to just kick back. "She goes on hikes with me and she loves the sun," said Chipperton, who added that Gidget was happy to sleep "for 23 hours and 45 minutes a day. She'll lay outside when it's 105 degrees! I like to joke that it's like looking after a plant."

In addition to her gig as spokesdog for Taco Bell, Gidget appeared in a commercial for the '90s edition of Trivial Pursuit and played Bruiser's mom in Legally Blonde 2 (Moonie, the dog who played Bruiser, was her best friend and sometime roommate at Chipperton's house).

Other than a few other small cameos, Gidget's working life didn't continue much beyond her Taco Bell legacy. But she left quite an impression. "One time, I kid you not, she actually pushed her stand-in out of the way because he was still there when she arrived on set," Chipperton recalled with a laugh. "Gidget always knew where the camera was."
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RP: Why must God be taking away all our celebrities in 2009.

Art: This is an American tragedy and, also, a fake Mexican one too, I guess.

J.Truth: I am sadder about this then Michael dying.

Rad Tad: I just heard on Fox News that the police are raiding the office of her veterinarian.

Art: I haven't been this upset since Morris the Cat died.

RP: I only have enough love for one stereotyped Mexican animal star: Speedy Gonzales.

Rad Tad: Yo quiero you back with us, amiga!

J.Truth: I'm pretty sure you butchered that sentence, much like Taco Bell butchers quality food.

RP: Speaking of, I must hurry up and send Conan this really funny joke I thought of where the dog gets processed into tacos because he could probably use the help for his opening monologue.

Art: These really are the dog days of summer.

J.Truth: Michael. Bernie Mac. Taco Bell Dog.

RP: Are you insinuating some kind of death conspiracy against minority entertainers?

J.Truth: You do the math and see if it adds up.

Rad Tad: It was probably Vince, the shamwow guy trying to elimiate the competition.

RP: Seriously. Without Billy Mays or the dog, who is left to do advertisements?

J.Truth: The "Free Credit Report" guys.

Art: *sigh*

Rad Tad: Now I'm depressed. I'm going to drive down to the nearest Taco Bell and buy a chicken quesadilla in her memory and eat through the pain.

Art: 7/22 - never forget!