If you're an avid follower of this site (and I have every reason to believe that you are not), you've no doubt noticed by now that June hasn't exactly been a standout month with regards to the updates. Of course, you'd be hard pressed to find any month since the site existed that could rightfully be called a "standout month" unless you were referring to "standout" as meaning a huge pile of unfunny shit. Well, whatever. They don't call it June gloom for nothing.

The weather might be cloudy outside but fret not, for a beacon of shining light by the name of Richard E. Hobberman has rode the many internet waves to bring you an offer that we just can't pass up. In this down-turned economy, one would be downright foolish to pass up an employment opportunity this easy. Well, I am nothing if not foolish. Thankfully for the rest of you, my alter ego Roger Garrison isn't one to let good fortune pass him by, even offers of good fortune from strangers on the internet.

Let's check out the details:

From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com.hk]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Hello Sir/Ma,
My name is Richard Hobberman from India I established New Art Gallery here in Mumbai, India, I saw some beautiful artworks which am interested to buy on the internet but the sellers who are based in United Kingdom said the artworks are available for sale for people living in United Kingdom only that they can’t post their artworks to India,

The only option that I was given is if I have someone in the United Kingdom to help me collect them, with that, they will sell them for me, that was what made Me to start searching for someone that can help me receive the artworks from the art seller by ROYALMAIL Postal Service on their home and help make payment with the money which I will be sending and I will arrange for ROYALMAIL SERVICE pick up to come pick them up from your home to my place in India. The service is stress free.

Your duty is { 1} Make payment to the art sellers with the money I will be sending to you {2} Receive the Artworks from the ROYALMAIL SERVICE Post Master at your home {3} Give the Art Works to the ROYALMAIL SERVICE when I send them to come and pick them from you to India. The payment is GBPs 550 per Week.

Please Help My Business Grow this work does not disturb your normal daily activities and if you already have a job you can still do this work along because you don’t have to be there all time anybody can help you collect the artworks at home even when you are not around and at the same time anybody can help you give them back to the ROYALMAIL SERVICE when they come for pick up the only thing you have to do by yourself is to make the payment to the art sellers

If you are interested kindly Reply as soon as possible

Regard
Richard.

If anything, I'm pretty much a sucker for helping people in need. Especially if that help will aid me in getting either rich or laid. Preferably both. Sure, the poor guy can't spell and/or use punctuation but that just makes me feel that much more sorry for him. Besides, if I judged every book by its cover, I would have never read the bible. Seriously, that thing could use some flashy graphics on the front or something. Maybe like a sweet dragon or God killing everyone with a fireball. Whatever.

Anyway, back on topic. 550 GBPs per week sounds like a fantastic opportunity so let's check in with Roger and see how he replied:

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: r.hobberman@gmail.com
Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Dearest Mr. Hobberman,

Thank you so much for traversing the many internets and sending me the below communication. My name is Roger Garrison and I am officially pleased to make your acquaintance. Well, as much as an acquaintance can be made from us chatting back and forth over email. I'd prefer a strong handshake and perhaps a manly back rub instead but even technology as great as the internet does have its limits.

As a fellow lover of art, galleries, art galleries, and people named Richard, your below offer sounds almost too good to be true. With the economy going down faster than my sister after two beers, I've been looking all over the place for ways to make extra income. Imagine that opportunity falling directly into my lap! I'd like it if some other things fell into my lap also, however, if you know what I mean. (By other things, I mean you, Richard. *wink*)

I am currently unemployed thanks to there not really being much of a market for book burners these days, so I definitely have plenty of free time to devote to our new partnership. Oh man, what I wouldn't do to have it be 1939 again. You know how many books were burned that year? A lot. I'd go so far as to say a shitload but I don't really know how much that is and Google is turning up some pretty disgusting results for me. Anyway, I am getting all kinds of sidetracked.

As I have mentioned above, I am extremely interested in pursuing your offer but I do have some questions first. I mean, I wouldn't be doing my duty as a skeptic without asking some completely stupid questions. (Note: I'm not a very good skeptic.)

1) First, I just want to make sure that this is 100% legal. I don't want to encounter any trade or transport issues with moving items to different countries. I once got busted for transporting some puppies across state lines and I am trying to avoid another visit from the UK authorities.

2) What kind of artwork are we talking about here? Mostly just paintings or what? I only ask because one time I heard about this guy who was caught carrying a hollow bust of some historical moron who's name I don't know. Anyway, it had drugs inside and the police didn't like that. I guess they would prefer that artworks be filled with yummy fondant, like those Cadbury creme eggs. Come to think of it, so would I. (Does any of the art involve Cadbury creme eggs?)

3) I realize that I am just some out of work schmuck who likes his whiskey a little too much but is the 550 GBP per week negotiable? Because I don't think that I really deserve that much so maybe you could just pay me less. Please let me know if this is possible.

4) Am I allowed to invite the ROYALMAIL postal guy in for tea when he comes and picks up the artwork? I often get very lonely and could use the company. It wouldn't be for very long, so I don't think it would impact his picking up and/or delivering of the artworks. I just need a friend.

Richard, if you would kindly reply back quickly to my kind reply back to you and provide some answers to the questions above, I think we have a very good chance at moving forward with our arrangement.

Also, if you need anything else from me, please let me know. I can supply some risque photos of myself if it'll help seal the deal. I still have a little bit of a muffin top but I've been hitting the gym so, you know, I'm getting better. You just have to be comfortable with yourself.

LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING BACK FROM YOU SOON!

Wishing You Some Of The Best,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I've learned from experience that you should never rush into any kind of opportunity without finding out what it's all about and the best way to do that is through questions. Of course, asking questions only work when the other party provides answers. Will Richard do that? Let's find out.

From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Hello friend

First and foremost, I want to thank you for your sincere desire and interest
shown to this Business’s Offer.

Well as I have explained to you earlier, I just got some Artist in America who are willing to sell some artworks for me and I want you to know that the payment for all these activity would be sent from me , and it’s a legal thing because I understand what is going on the internet that most things there are not real , this awful situation on the internet has cost me a lot on my business otherwise I wouldn't have been searching for anybody to work for me , my work would have been within myself and the seller of the artworks but they refused to post their artworks internationally due to Numerous Scams on the net so that makes me to contact you to assist me to be receiving the Artworks from the Art Sellers via ROYALMAIL SERVICE at your Home and immediately I will arrange with ROYALMAIL SERVICE Pickup to come Pick from you to my Place in India.

At the moment one of the artists is eager to sell some goods for me and I would want you to help me coordinate payment to him the fund is going to be sent via Cashier Check or Money Order because we can’t send Western Union Money Transfer from India we can only receive Money sent to us via Western Union Money Transfer Once more on receiving the payment, you would be required to deduct your weekly salary which is GBPs 550 and make the payment to the artworks seller; they will bring the artworks with their receipts package inside and i will arrange for ROYALMAIL SERVICE pick up to the artworks from you when the artist sends to you and based on instructions when you receive the money from me, you will send the payment to the artist, receive the artworks from the ROYALMAIL SERVICE and give them to ROYALMAIL SERVICE when they come for pick up at your house. If we are able to build and sustain this business relationship (based on trust of course), then the frequency of the
transaction will definitely increase.

If you are still interested please forward to me the following information below so that I can keep them on file.

NAME:
STREET ADDRESS:
CITY:
STATE :
ZIP CODE:
PHONE NUMBER:

Regards

I love it when spammers get confused in their replies and stop making much sense because it makes me seem a lot less crazy. First, the artists were in the UK but now they are in America. Which is it? And why didn't he answer any of my questions from the first email? I don't know but it's time to find out.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Dear My Newest Internet Friend Richard E. Hobberman,

I really appreciate you getting back to me so soon. I was worried that my RESPONSE provided previously did not reach you in time, even though I expressly yelled out the word "URGENTLY" as I was clicking send. That process has worked for me in the past and I am glad to see that it has not failed me this time. I don't want to let down my new business partner, so hopefully this URGENT RESPONSE will make it to you even faster than last time. (I have put some flame stickers on the side of my computer case in the hopes of making everything go more quickly.)

Now, with the pleasantries out of the way, I have to admit just a minor amount of dismay on my part. While I was most sincere in my original email to you, I also raised a number of questions that I had concerning our new relationship. I'm not the type of guy who will just jump into a situation blind since that severely impacts my ability to dunk a basketball, so I just wanted some clarification on some of the things. Business partners shouldn't be hiding things from one another.

For example, yesterday, while reading your email, I may have done some inappropriate things with a piece of chocolate cake. Take that as you will. You know, I'm just putting it out there. It's not something I am proud of nor is it something that I can change anymore. It just happened. Between you and me, Richard, no secrets.

So, I did start to wonder why you didn't respond to my questions in your reply. I just want to make sure that we're not getting into any kind of dirty business together here, Richard. One time, I was dating this girl who turned out to be my cousin. I mean, I still hit it multiple times but that was the last time I ever wanted to be involved in dirty business.

Richard, I just need to know that we are on the up and up before I really feel comfortable with moving forward with our partnership. Perhaps my previous questions were simply inferior. I get it. I'm pretty much an amateur when it comes to asking questions, so if they seemed novice to an internet giant like yourself, I understand. But I still demand answers. We should have a mutual respect for each other if we're going to be doing the nasty. In short, I want to make sure that you would call me the next day if I were to give it up. Below, I have some additional questions that I think are pretty good so I would like for you to answer them.

QUESTIONS TO WHICH I WOULD LIKE ANSWERS PRIOR TO MOVING FORWARD:

1) Are you allergic to questions? If so, I am sorry. That would probably explain why you didn't respond to the previous ones I wrote out. Even though I wanted answers, I could understand why you might not have replied if your throat was constricting and you found it hard to breathe.

2) In your original email, you referenced that the artists in question were located in the United Kingdom, but in your latest reply, you said that the artists are in America. Which is it?

3) How is life in India treating you? I've never been to India but one time I went three days without showering and I turned the heater on full blast, so I do have a vague idea of what I am missing. That one chick who hosts Top Chef is pretty hot but she might not be Indian.

4) I think I have our business arrangement down but I wanted to clarify: I am going to pay some artist to put his package inside me while the ROYALMAIL service records the whole thing on DVD? Is that how it's going to work?

I am sorry for asking so many questions but I was raised Mormon, so when I was younger, I pretty much just accepted everything that people told me. Now that I am an adult though, I feel like I missed out on so much so I sometimes ask more questions than I should to help keep my life's question quota in balance.

You reference trust in our business relationship and I would very much like to start building trust and moving forward with both of us making obscene amounts of cash out of the deal. I just have some very small reservations based on your last reply and providing some answers to the questions above could really help move us over the hump.

Once I feel confident, I will provide you with my contact details and we get this arrangement off the ground.

Looking forward to hearing from your sweet self soon!

With Man Love,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

None of that sounds unreasonable. A playa just wants to know what the game is holding for him. That's all.

From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Hey Roger,
I am the serious type and i really do need to work with you....Provide me all the details and let's proceed. Thanks.

Oh! That clears everything up! Despite the fact that you didn't answer or address any of the concerns I have, after reading your last email, I feel entirely confident about our business partnership. *sigh* It's time for "Hobbs" to get a life lesson from Roger.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Hello Richard Hobberman, Man Of Wonders,

Your quick reply has made my heart skip a beat. I will admit that I have butterflies in my stomach as I write this. (Not literally, of course, because that is just a figure of speech and insects taste gross.) I've never been attracted to a man over the internet before but I guess that there is a first time for everything, right?

So, here we are in email round 3. I've continually asked you questions regarding our relationship and you continually make no attempt to answer them. All I want is peace of mind. (And a piece of you.)

Why is answering my questions so difficult?

I have all of my information ready to send to you but I just don't feel reassured. Can you go over some of my previous questions and provide me the answers? I am as serious as serious gets with regards to moving this thing forward but I feel like it's all been one-sided so far.

Come on, Richard, information wants to be free.

Please provide me the required information that I seek and I will be more than happy to send along my contact details and get the ball rolling.

Tentatively In Love,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

Seriously man, just answer some frickin' questions so that we can move on. Honestly though, I figured that nothing more would come of this, largely because of the way he was replying. Still, there is hope for humanity yet. I received the below email a short time later, which consisted on quoting my entire email and adding only a few sentences. I clipped the pertinent parts.

From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

> QUESTIONS TO WHICH I WOULD LIKE ANSWERS PRIOR TO MOVING FORWARD:
>
> 1) Are you allergic to questions? If so, I am sorry. That would probably
> explain why you didn't respond to the previous ones I wrote out. Even
> though I wanted answers, I could understand why you might not have replied
> if your throat was constricting and you found it hard to breathe.

NOT SO

> 2) In your original email, you referenced that the artists in question
> were located in the United Kingdom, but in your latest reply, you said
> that the artists are in America. Which is it?.

THEY ARE LOCATED IN EUROPE AND UK IS INCLUDED.

> 3) How is life in India treating you? I've never been to India but one
> time I went three days without showering and I turned the heater on full
> blast, so I do have a vague idea of what I am missing. That one chick who
> hosts Top Chef is pretty hot but she might not be
> Indian.

INDIA IS PRETTY COOL AND HOMELY,YOU WILL LOVE IT HERE.

> 4) I think I have our business arrangement down but I wanted to clarify: I
> am going to pay some artist in put his package inside me while the
> ROYALMAIL service records the whole thing on DVD? Is that how it's going
> to work?.

YOU ARE TO PAY NOTHING FOR DOING THIS..AND THERE IS NOTHING LIKE SHOWING ON DVD,WE ARE NOT ACTING MOVIE.

I guess i ahve answered atleast a few of your so numerous Questions.Can we
get on with this??.

Yes, Richard, you did such a stellar job answering my questions. Sure, we can move on.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: "Richard E. Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Hello Hobberman E. Richard, Gentle Giant,

Just when I was starting to think that things between us might be on the rocks, you go and totally redeem yourself. Your short, one line answers were more than enough to convince me that what we are doing is 100% real.

I'm extremely glad that you answered "no" to the DVD thing. I did think that was a little weird but I just wanted to make absolutely sure. One time, I didn't bother to check whether this one hole in the wall was actually a glory hole. Needless to say, I almost lost what made me a man that day. Not to mention that above all of this, I have an acute allergy to DVD discs so that would definitely cause us some issues if that were case. I break out in hives whenever I am around those things. Makes movie night at my house a real bitch.

But enough about that. We got some real, bona fide business to get down to. I will admit that for the past few days, I have been thinking about nothing but spending all of the mad cash that you and I are going to make together. Obviously, more you than me since I am merely a meager salaried employee, but you know, maybe if I ever come out to India you can put me up in a villa or something and we can bang some hotties. Or each other. You know, whatever we find ourselves into.

So, here is my information that you have requested:

NAME: Roger P. "Rog" Garrison, Esq.
STREET ADDRESS: 762 Sutter Street
CITY: San Francisco
STATE: CA
ZIP CODE: 94109
PHONE NUMBER: 1 415-893-1641
FAVORITE COLOR: RED

I know that you didn't really ask about my favorite color but I threw that part in there just in case you feel like buying me something pretty since we're now officially business partners and all.

So, what's the plan now? I'm seriously eager to going on this thing.

Much Respect,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I'm not gay, so I don't really know what it feels like to fall in love with a man but if it feels anything like what it feels like when you stub your toe, I am totally there.

From: "Richard Hobberman" [r.hobberman@gmail.com]
To: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED URGENTLY.

Dear Roger,

Thanks for your kind response..I want you to know that you really sound like a nice and interesting person i would want to spend sometime with.Since you have given em the required details i need to go on with this..I will update you from time to time about developments.Just stay in touch and reply promptly to Email Messages.

I am really looking forward to working with you and enjoying a better relationship.

Best Regards.
Richard Hobberman

So, I guess the case of Richard Hobberman is officially on hold now. I'll play the "wait and see" game for a bit to see if he ever gets back to me. I don't really know what would he do with just my address anyway, so I can only keep my fingers crossed and hope for a part two.

Richard Hobberman, keeping the internet classy since last week.