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| I don't mean to make this sound condescending but since it is, it probably will. You see, because of my position as a leader in the field of things that get written down, I'm what could be considered "in the know" about various aspects of our existence. This is a level of social status that is only achieved by those born of noble blood or the extremely rich. I'm both, so I suppose that I am double in the know, if such a thing were possible. Oh, stop looking at me with those jealous eyes. Maybe you should have spent more of your free time working harder and then maybe we would be on the same level. Fantasizing about the women in the Victoria's Secret catalog will only get you so far, but whatever. I guess some things just can't be helped.
So, you might be asking yourself, what is so great about this status of yours and what are you in the know about? Well, I realize that this might be hard for a simpleton like you to believe but I have been told (and even visited!) a place called the internet, which is a vast and wondrous resource consisting of an amazing amount of websites and information about almost every topic that you can imagine. They have games, porn, and games about porn. They also have sites that are dedicated to funny. While I don't tend to use the practice in my own writings, I am a huge fan of funny. It makes me feel good inside like when I first learned about touching myself.
Sometimes, I really want to tell you, the dear reader, all about these sites and let you explore the funny contained therein but I realize that finding out information about the internet can be extremely difficult. Even if you were lucky enough to actually get connected, what would you do? I mean, sure, I could pass you the link and say "Look!" but then you'd wind up spending the entire afternoon clicking and searching, hoping to find whatever it was that I said was funny but never really mentioned in detail. No, more than likely you'd simply mess something up and infect your computer with a crazy virus. Whatever the PC equivalent of swine flu is.
So, what should be done in this scenario? Well, you could magically grow smarter and more internet savvy but that's about as likely as me finally figuring out how to please a woman sexually. Rather, a more logical solution is me telling you about the site and then culling everything funny from it and posting it here. This saves you time and because of this you'll have a longer, healthier life while I get to be more lazy and take all of the credit because I'll still try and pretend that I came up with this stuff all by myself.
Today's entry revolves around a site called Texts From Last Night which, as the name implies, involves people submitting strange and random texts that they got last night, though I have my doubts about the actual time frame. Some are odd, some are funny. Some are drunk and some are probably fake. But they are all funny. Well, to me at least. Around here, that's all that matters because I have complete editorial control for whatever reason. Come for the sexting, stay for the whatever is the opposite of sexting because there isn't any sexting below. (Sexting is a nautical term, yes?)
Note: Each message is preceded with a number, which is the area code it came from. Find yours and win a prize.
(609): i just pooped in Tupperware. not a proud day
(617): Did you hit it?
(616): Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
(925): so explain again why im purple
(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he's deaf.
(732): Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
(202): I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
(202): you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
(650): oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
(914): ? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
(773): jesus mom
(310): Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bills for a while?
(617): I can't watch PBS sober anymore
(619): i miss you so much
(858): i miss you too
(858): oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
(703): someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
(810): I'm laying in your front yard are you home
(870): do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way last night?
(1-870): well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chick
(870): what chick?
(478): This is not my ceiling
(337): i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
(985): wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
(617): yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
(713): Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
(832): you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend. Just thought I'd get that out there.
(617): Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
(508): you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
(978): I guess I misjudged your gender.
(214): did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
(512): Just fell off a train. Bad.
(337): Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
(703): I'm going to jail i love you
(847): Rock
(630): Scissors
(630): Fuck
(214): your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
(1-214): we're not divorced.
(845): Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
(305) 1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
(360): I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
(970): Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
(310): I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
(805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
(1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Having posted all of that, I now realize that I have just as many that I have yet to post, which probably means that there is going to be a part two to this whole thing. If you enjoyed the above, this will probably make you happy. If you did not enjoy the above, you are probably a heartless Nazi. I mean all Nazis are bad but a heartless Nazi just breaks my brain and goes against everything I learned in human anatomy class. Not that I really learned anything in human anatomy class. Well, either way, I hope that you enjoy this. We should totally get together for lunch sometime. I really miss you and by that I mean I really miss the way you used to pick up the check. The key words being "used to." What happened to you, man? |
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Happy birthday to Naomi, the youngest P.Net fan.
Well, at least she will be once she learns how to read.
I assume I can't violate parole over the internet. Yet.
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