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| Let's face facts: I'm a very busy guy. Sorry for jumping right to the point but there really isn't any way to skirt around the issue. When you're as popular as I am and wield the kind of internet power that I do, people tend to take notice and jump on the "we need amazing people like you at our event" bandwagon. I'm not quite sure how one can even measure internet power but for the sake of this update, let's just say that I have a lot. If the internet had some kind of mafia family, I would be at the top because that's just how I roll. If the movie The Karate Kid taught me anything, aside from the fact that doing household chores for old Asian men helps you win fights, it's that failure is not an option.
Because of my status and hectic schedule, there are often times where I am unable to get a written update posted for a week or more. It is during these unplanned hiatuses that I am usually bombarded with hate mail from people demanding more free entertainment. Of course, when I talk about "people" I mean exactly three and of those three people, 100% are completely fictional and exist solely in my head. I suppose sending volumes of letters to myself isn't really the best way to manage my spare time, time which could better utilized elsewhere. Like throwing snakes at homeless people or, you know, writing the update that I am complaining to myself about not writing. Whatever.
So, what's the solution that will allow me to be pseudo-busy and still write updates? Simple: write an update about whatever I was doing that kept me busy. Allow me to present the first in what I am sure will be an extremely long series of updates in journal style, describing whatever it was that I did during the week that didn't involve ignoring you on purpose. (I'm hoping that part is obvious and thus will not be noted in said journal.)
Monday: I chugged six five-hour energy shots and got the great idea to start a band, despite not actually owning any instruments or possessing any type of musical talent. I named the band "Goat Throne" and we were going to rock. Hard. Think 80's glam rock but without the glam. Or rock, really. I called everyone I knew to come over and audition. While waiting, I dreamed about going on tour and trashing hotel rooms, making our first album, getting hooked on heroin, and having some kind of internal drama that causes us to break up at the peak of our popularity. You know, all of the stuff that other bands go through. Sadly, no one showed up the auditions, largely because I lied about the part of the story where I said I called people. I don't actually have any friends and the crazy guy on my corner spouting theories about the end of world finally filed that restraining order against me that he kept making threats about. I said out loud to myself that it looks like someone (me) is having a case of the Mondays and then beat myself unconscious with my own shoe. Also, I peed in the shower and didn't tell anyone.
Tuesday: Today, I fought the law and the law won. This result is not especially surprising considering that the law is a well-trained force of many who are equipped with the latest in weapons technology. Really, I didn't stand a chance. I mean, I had a stick. And it wasn't even a particularly good stick. It's not like I went out stick shopping, looking for the best stick money can buy. No, I just kind of found it laying on the grass while I was out walking my pet turtle. OK, actually, the turtle found it. And he was walking me. While out, we encountered a talking panda who gave us directions to Utopia and almost got run over by a elephant on a motorcycle. We totally had the right of way. Note to self: I need to stop doing acid on Tuesdays. It fucks with my brain.
Wednesday: Today is Earth Day. I forgot to get Earth a present but I think we're still cool. Everyone keeps talking about going green. I don't even know what that means. Is everybody planning on getting nauseous? The last time I went green was after riding a roller coaster. I had just eaten 12 hot dogs and my stomach was upset. Oh, and that one time that I got a hand job from Shrek. I guess that counts as going green because it took like 3 hours to wash the color away. Anyway, I had planned on planting a tree today but after going outside, I noticed that there were already a bunch of trees around so it seems like a lot of people had the same idea that I did. That's a shame because I had already had the seeds and everything. My tree was going to be a sunflower. With nothing left to do, I went back inside and masturbated in an eco-friendly manner to pictures of clouds. Spit, nature's lube.
Thursday: I did not pass go. Thus, I did not collect the $200 that I was expecting, the $200 that was needed to pay the man that is holding my dog hostage. I'm stuck in Marvin Gardens and my shoe is broken down. I don't want to go to jail. Who the hell kidnaps a dog? That guy should be the one going to jail. That fucker thinks that just because he owns Park Place that he can do anything he wants. Wait until he lands on Baltic Avenue again. I built some hotels while he wasn't looking and rent is in the triple digits now. And you said the real estate market was in decline. Damn, it's getting late. I definitely don't want to be caught on Pacific Avenue after the sun goes down. Community Chest, you're my only hope.
Friday: Sat down and tried to write the great American novel, except wasn't so much a novel as it was a short story and it was set in Germany instead of America. The plot revolved around the main character losing his television remote inside the ass of a baboon and the trials and tribulations involved in getting it back. Like, for example, maybe his television was tuned into a channel that he didn't particularly care for and they were running a marathon of a show that he disliked. I mean, the story is basically writing itself. The main character was going to be modeled after David Hasselhoff because I think he is pretty and maybe the baboon could be played by Rush Limbaugh, which would explain why he has such a gigantic ass. I was just getting into a groove when the Quaalude euphoria started to wear off and I forgot what the hell I was doing. So, I gave up on the idea and wrote this update instead.
As you can see, I had a pretty full week which left me very little time to sit down and write jokes on the internet. Sure, I could have done it while standing and perhaps that would have gotten this update out sooner but I find that to be very uncomfortable and that benefits no one. Unless you're a masochist, which probably explains why you're still reading this. |
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OK, so I've made more changes to the PDF layout. You can now rate updates with a single click because I realize that clicking on a link and then having to click on another link was entirely too much work for you.
Enjoy.
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