"If Superman were here, he'd fix everything." That's what people in comic books say whenever they have a problem, especially if the comic book is about Superman. I'm pretty sure that saying that same line in a Batman comic book will get you lynched. Gotham is a tough place. But you know what else is a tough place? The internet. The internet is serious business these days and people who spend their days trying to be funny on the internet really have their work cut out for them. Sadly, while I am not one of these people, I do know one or two of them and I will admit that I agree wholeheartedly with that statement.
As many naysayers and critics have recently pointed out, this site isn't what it used to be, mostly because the site used to be a collection of homemade Transformers erotic artwork. Amidst all of the hate mail and pipe bombs, a number of you felt the need to write in and say that maybe I've lost my touch. Well, maybe you're wrong. I've got a list of altar boys in a sealed court document that would be more than happy to testify otherwise. So, what's the deal? Why have things around here gone down hill in recent months? While I could do what I would normally do, which is to place the blame on someone else, for this instance, there happens to be a very good reason for all of this.
I've been too busy keeping it real to update the site properly.
Sadly, there is no actual barometer to measure just how real one has been keeping it but for the sake of this update, let's just assume that I have been keeping it really real. Well, actually, I suppose that we could always invent a barometer to save you the trouble of having to imagine just how real things have been. After all, that's all part of what people who are keeping it real do -- invent shit. We wear many hats. On one end of it you would probably have "pretend" because that stuff isn't real at all. On the other end, you would have something super real to counteract the pretend stuff, so maybe it would be "got run over by a wild horse" or perhaps "stubbed my toe while running by the pool even though the posted guidelines said that I shouldn't be doing that but I'm too real to read rules." While I will admit that I am not quite that hardcore, I'm pretty far up there, likely around "just got stabbed in the eye with a spatula" real. Hey, they still award medals for second place.
But if I know anything about the people who read what I write, it's that they also don't believe anything that I write. It's like the guy who authored the bible trying to speak at a creative atheist's convention. If Mythbusters taught me anything the one time that I sort of watched the show while channel surfing because My Little Pony was at commercial, it's that you have to back up what you say with concrete evidence. Unfortunately, the last time I put my evidence in concrete, I had one hell of a time getting it back out and I'm not willing to go through all of that again just to prove that I am being truthful. So, instead, I will distract you with a story about my realness while I steal your wallet. Focus on my face, not my hands, asshole.
Anyway, last week I found myself at one of our local elementary schools. (Go Wildcats!) There is this really hot teacher who works there and I was had dedicated my afternoon trying to convince her to accept my stimulus package. Unfortunately for me, it was a tough sell because I can't filibuster. Whatever. I'm about halfway through my little speech and this little faggot with a ribbon sash comes up to me and starts asking me about whether I have a hall pass or not. What the hell? I don't need no damn hall pass -- I'm trying to get my sex on here -- but this kid just won't shut up so I grabbed the closest thing to me and just started cutting him the fuck up. Unfortunately, the only thing closest to me was a pair of safety scissors. Do you know how long it takes to cut someone with a pair of safety scissors? That shit takes like an hour because those things can't cut for crap. Now that's some determination. That's also keeping it real.
I have many more examples of my realness but we're in an economic downturn and text is expensive. If the above did not convince you absolutely of my ability to keep it real, I highly doubt that much else will. Here's $5. Consider that a down payment on some glasses so that you can see my realness coming next time. Yes, coming all over your face. Except it's more like a rabid raccoon than semen, because I know that is what your perverted mind was thinking and I had to correct you before you got all weird on me. This is a family friendly site, asshole. I'm out like a slow base runner.
As many naysayers and critics have recently pointed out, this site isn't what it used to be, mostly because the site used to be a collection of homemade Transformers erotic artwork. Amidst all of the hate mail and pipe bombs, a number of you felt the need to write in and say that maybe I've lost my touch. Well, maybe you're wrong. I've got a list of altar boys in a sealed court document that would be more than happy to testify otherwise. So, what's the deal? Why have things around here gone down hill in recent months? While I could do what I would normally do, which is to place the blame on someone else, for this instance, there happens to be a very good reason for all of this.
I've been too busy keeping it real to update the site properly.
Sadly, there is no actual barometer to measure just how real one has been keeping it but for the sake of this update, let's just assume that I have been keeping it really real. Well, actually, I suppose that we could always invent a barometer to save you the trouble of having to imagine just how real things have been. After all, that's all part of what people who are keeping it real do -- invent shit. We wear many hats. On one end of it you would probably have "pretend" because that stuff isn't real at all. On the other end, you would have something super real to counteract the pretend stuff, so maybe it would be "got run over by a wild horse" or perhaps "stubbed my toe while running by the pool even though the posted guidelines said that I shouldn't be doing that but I'm too real to read rules." While I will admit that I am not quite that hardcore, I'm pretty far up there, likely around "just got stabbed in the eye with a spatula" real. Hey, they still award medals for second place.
But if I know anything about the people who read what I write, it's that they also don't believe anything that I write. It's like the guy who authored the bible trying to speak at a creative atheist's convention. If Mythbusters taught me anything the one time that I sort of watched the show while channel surfing because My Little Pony was at commercial, it's that you have to back up what you say with concrete evidence. Unfortunately, the last time I put my evidence in concrete, I had one hell of a time getting it back out and I'm not willing to go through all of that again just to prove that I am being truthful. So, instead, I will distract you with a story about my realness while I steal your wallet. Focus on my face, not my hands, asshole.
Anyway, last week I found myself at one of our local elementary schools. (Go Wildcats!) There is this really hot teacher who works there and I was had dedicated my afternoon trying to convince her to accept my stimulus package. Unfortunately for me, it was a tough sell because I can't filibuster. Whatever. I'm about halfway through my little speech and this little faggot with a ribbon sash comes up to me and starts asking me about whether I have a hall pass or not. What the hell? I don't need no damn hall pass -- I'm trying to get my sex on here -- but this kid just won't shut up so I grabbed the closest thing to me and just started cutting him the fuck up. Unfortunately, the only thing closest to me was a pair of safety scissors. Do you know how long it takes to cut someone with a pair of safety scissors? That shit takes like an hour because those things can't cut for crap. Now that's some determination. That's also keeping it real.
I have many more examples of my realness but we're in an economic downturn and text is expensive. If the above did not convince you absolutely of my ability to keep it real, I highly doubt that much else will. Here's $5. Consider that a down payment on some glasses so that you can see my realness coming next time. Yes, coming all over your face. Except it's more like a rabid raccoon than semen, because I know that is what your perverted mind was thinking and I had to correct you before you got all weird on me. This is a family friendly site, asshole. I'm out like a slow base runner.