If you've been following this series, then there is probably little need for an introduction here. It's actually quite simple: People spam me, they get a reply from Roger. If they reply back to Roger, they get more replies until the idiocy is so over the top, they stop sending me emails. You get to laugh, I get to practice writing. It's win win for everyone except that one blind guy who doesn't have a computer. He probably has no idea what I am talking about or why I keep throwing empty beer bottles at his house after midnight. He'll catch on eventually.

For now, let's settle in and join my alter ego Roger Garrison on another spamtastic adventure, this one involving the wonderful people at Wingas Oil, PLC.

From: alisson@homecall.co.uk
Subject: Message From Wingas Oil Plc

Hello,

There is a Job Opening in your area.....

ADVANTAGES.
You do not have to go out as you will work as an independent contractor right from your home or Office. Your job is absolutely legal.You can earn up to $3000-4000 monthly depending on time you will spend for this Job.You do not need any capital to start.

Please email me back at GMBHWINGAS@AOL.COM for more details.

Thank You.
Michael Sasse

Regardless of what the spam message winds up being about, I generally find myself absolutely mesmerized at the random capitalization that goes on. Sure, I understand that English is probably not their first or even second language but I'm pretty sure we all tend to follow the same capitalization guidelines regardless of what you write in.

That notwithstanding, it would appear that we have yet another job offer begging for Roger's attention. What say you, Roger?

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: GMBHWINGAS@AOL.COM
Subject: Re: Message From Wingas Oil Plc

Hello Michael Sasse!

My name is Roger Garrison and I received a recent email from you concerning job openings in my area. I don't believe that we have met so your knowledge of my area and my openings make me a little bit skeptical but if you can't trust an email from a stranger on the internet to be correct, who can you trust?

Thankfully, I am also well-versed about my area and, as it turns out, there just so happens to be a number of unemployed people here looking for work. Now, I'm no gynecologist but I know a perfect match when I see one and just between us, Michael, I think I am your perfect match. (Not like in the dating kind of sense but, you know, I am a little desperate so if you want to take it there, let's talk.)

Anyhoo, I've been unemployed for about seven months now, thanks to a little "incident" at my last job. Yeah, show me where it said that over-dosing on antibiotics was against company policy. I certainly didn't see it in your little rulebook. Fascists.

I've read over your below email almost a dozen times, mostly because I have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (fear of big words) and it took me that many tries to get through it. But, let me tell you, I am liking some of these advantages that you outlined. While I don't mind doing the occasional dirt, staying legal is always a plus for me. I was an independent contractor once for the mob and while the pay was nice, I'm a little overweight and have trouble running from the law on most days.

Still, $3000-$4000 per month sounds like a dream come true and you won't find a harder worker around than me. Also, good looking on the no capital thing to start because I don't have any capital at all so that would be a big letdown in our new relationship if that was required.

I look forward to hearing back from you about this because I am soooo ready to work. I'm on my last pair of clean underwear and I can't afford the next load of laundry.

Looking forward to working with you!

With Love & Packing Peanuts,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

What will happen next? Will they offer us a job? Will Roger be able to change his drawers? Stay tuned to find out!

From: gmbhwingas@aim.com
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: Re: Message From Wingas Oil Plc JOB DETAILS

Hello Again,

I am glad you are interested in this job, to my delight, I will take my time

I would be very interested in giving you a part-time paying job as a Cash representative for WINGAS Companies, in the United States/Canada, in which you could earn a lot. This job would be based on contract and commission terms and involves quite a lot of trust and honesty.This project has also been developed not to affect your present job nor bring about any form of stress but in order to help take care of those extra costs. Meanwhile, this is 100% legal and there is no start up cost required.

WINGAS GmbH is a joint venture of Wintershall AG in Kassel, the largest German producer of oil and gas, and the world’s largest producer of natural gas. The company has been active in the gas supply industry since 1990 and supplies natural gas to public utilities. The company has been active in the gas supply industry since 1990 and supplies natural gas to public utilities, major industrial enterprises and regional gas distribution companies in Germany and other European Countries via its network of pipelines that is now more than 2,000 Kilometers in length.

WINGAS is successfully using the opportunities offered by the increasing liberalization of the gas market for the sustainable expansion of its market position in Europe.

Presently, we have just been granted a funding to head a research project in Asia regarding Oil Drainage, Planning and Management and this would be commencing very soon. However, the funding is made mostly in US based money
orders or Traveler checks.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR US.
We are presently experiencing problems setting us back in the collection of payments from our US Clients. The international Money transfer tax for legal entities(companies) in Kassel is 25%, whereas for the Individual, it is only 7%. There is no sense for us to work this way, while tax for international Money transfer made by a private individual is 7%. That's why we need you! We need agents to receive payment for our oil and Gas( in Money orders, Cheque or bank wire transfers) from our clients in the US and to resend the Money to us via Western Union Money Transfer. This way we will save Money because of tax decreasing, you will not be paying any tax.

JOB DESCRIPTION
1. Receive payment from Clients.
2. Cash Payments at your Bank.
3. Deduct 10% which will be your percentage/pay on Payment processed.
4. Forward balance after deduction of percentage and pay to any of the offices you will be instructed to do so later (Payment is to be forwarded by Money Transfer).

HOW MUCH WILL YOU EARN?
10% from each operation! For instance: you receive 5000 USD via check's or Money Orders on our Behalf. You will cash the Money and keep $500 (10% of $5000) for yourself! At the beginning your commission will equal 10%, though later it will increase up to 15%!

ADVANTAGES.
You do not have to go out as you will work as an independent contractor right from your home or Office. Your job is absolutely legal.You can earn up to $3000-4000 monthly depending on time you will spend for this Job.You do not need any capital to start. You can do the Work easily without leaving or affecting your present Job. The employees who make efforts and work hard have a strong possibility to become managers .Anyway our employees never leave us.

MAIN REQUIREMENTS.
(1).18 years or older legally capable,responsible and ready to work 3-4 hours per week.
(2).You must have PC knowledge,e-mail and Internet experience (minimal).

And please know that Everything is absolutely legal, that's why you have to fill a contract!

Anyway, to get started with us is free and easy. Your commission is a constant fee that is dependent on how long you are ready to work with this Company. Your willingness to work as a Payment Representative now will help and save time so that this project can be concluded as soon as possible. Also, I can assure you that you will be insured on Health bases and housing allowance will be catered for (Effective after 1 week of Application). This is acknowledged as part of our policy. You may decline the policy offer anyway.

Below is the application form, fill it and return it if you are interested.

WINGAS GmbH COMPANIES.

Head Office.

Friedrich-Ebert-Straße 160
D-34119
Kassel Germany.
Web site: www.wingas.de
Email: GMBHWINGAS@AOL.COM

APPLICATION FORM

[removed to save space -- I didn't fill it out anyway]

(Information included in this application form is CONFIDENTIAL between you and me, and the full name and contact info should be included as it should be written on the payments being issued over to you, you should also include a valid phone number for easy contact)

ATTESTATION

According to how you have been briefed earlier by me. You are required and mandated to receive payment on behalf of the above mentioned company. You are to deduct 10% of all funds processed on a particular order and forward the balance payment via Western Union Money Transfer as I would be instructing you on receipt of my payments.

You will notify me a week ahead if eventually you want to discontinue this job so as to terminate all payment coming your way to avoid conflict.

In agreement to this kindly append signature below

……………………………………………………….....................

Michael Sasse.
Head of Public Relations.

Another job offer, another "take 10% off the top and send it back to us" scam. I'm not sure if there are any other kind of job offer scams but I sure haven't seem them.

Choice quote: "Anyway our employees never leave us." Yikes!

While these kind of spammers are always quick to send an application and ask for information, if you're at all familiar with this series, you know that Roger is more than a little hesitant to start handing over personal details with making them jump through a lot more BS. Your rebuttal, Roger?

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: gmbhwingas@aim.com
Subject: Re: Message From Wingas Oil Plc JOB DETAILS

Hello Again To You, Mr. Michael Sasse., Head of Public Relations.!

I greatly appreciate your prompt response to my last email reply to your original email message about this job offer. I wish that I could express, using words and possibly numbers, just how happy your offer has made me but I'm a product of the public school system so you can probably imagine my frustration with enunciation and geometry.

Since it's been more than 24 hours since we last spoke, I feel that I should get you caught up on what's been going on with me during this period:

1) I am still unemployed.
2) I am still very much looking forward to working with your company!
3) My trust and honesty has only managed to grow!

I would like to, again, thank you for providing me with this wonderful opportunity. You see, I haven't had the greatest of lives. I've tried and tried to get ahead but the man (and occasional woman dressed like a man) has always managed to keep me down. My inner circle of friends, all of whom are successful, laugh at me behind my back and call me Roger Nevergonnabeshit. This hurts me more than it does when I pee, which is to say quite a bit. I suppose, though, I should point out that my inner circle of friends shouldn't be confused with the amazing reggae band, Inner Circle, maker of such hits as "Bad Boys" and "Other Songs That Sound Like Bad Boys But Never Made The Charts." I love those guys and if they were my friends, that would be really awesome. I would make them sing songs to me while I was in the bathtub.

"Bad Boys, Bad Boys, what'cha gonna do?
I'm gonna get rich after I start working with you!"

But look at me prattling on like some senile racing horse. Sorry, it's just that ever since the accident, I tend to get side-tracked easily. I also really crave popcorn. I know, weird, right?

I read over the details you provided me with a keen interest at least twice with me reading some of the words upwards of three times or more. As much as I would have liked to immediately fill out the application that you provided me, I do have some follow-up questions before we move our relationship to the next level. (I hope follow-up questions are OK.. I didn't see anything in the contract telling me otherwise.)

FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS CONCERNING THE PROVIDED DETAILS:

1) You outlined that I would be receiving payments from clients -- your clients -- who work with oil and gas. I, sadly, don't know anything about either other than you shouldn't mix them but I think that was just my Grandma being racist. Is knowledge of "Oil Drainage, Planning and Management" in Asia a prerequisite for work?

2) I guess I only had one question.

However, in case you were put off by my need to use questions as a method for obtaining information, please let me outline my qualifications in regards to your posted requirements to prove my employment worthiness.

MY AMAZING RESPONSES TO YOUR REQUIREMENTS:

1) Not only am I "18 years or older legally capable", I am the most responsible and ready to work person I know. 3-4 hours a week? Try 340 hours per week!

2) I have used my spare time between jobs honing my PC knowledge. My email and internet experience is unmatched, as you can probably tell because we've been totally going back and forth via email which I learned yesterday uses the internet to travel. So, yeah.

3) You only posted two requirements but I figured that I would list another one here in the hopes that I can convince you that I am the man for the job. (Or jobs... I don't really know how many you have open.) Anyway, I can telepathically talk to cats which, depending on how far my career with you goes, may or may not be useful to you.

Again, I would like to stress that I would very much like to start working for your company but I haven't filled out the application yet because of the questions that I asked above. Also, I understand that asking in this paragraph may not be enough, so please continue reading to read the same statement over again but this time with bigger letters:

IF YOU COULD PLEASE ANSWER THE QUESTION THAT I POSTED ABOVE, I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO CONTINUE THE APPLICATION PROCESS AND START WORKING WITH YOUR WONDERFUL COMPANY.

The idea of working really hard, making some money, and possibly being considered for a management position sounds like a dream come true to me. I very much look forward to your next reply and then we can get going on this "you hiring me, I work for you" thing and we'll both become rich.

Dripping With Happiness,
Roger Garrison
roger@4kb.com

I wouldn't mind being a fly on the wall when this email came through the spammer's inbox. It would answer so many questions for me. Does he know I am fucking with him? Does he even know what I wrote other than I didn't fill out the application he provided? Does he even bother to read what I write? Well, I got a reply this time, so maybe so.

From: gmbhwingas@aim.com
To: roger@4kb.com
Subject: Re: Message From Wingas Oil Plc JOB DETAILS

Hello friend,,,

our oil and Gas payment in Money orders, Cheque or bank wire transfers is to be taken by our agents from our clients in the US.After, you resent the Money to us via Western Union Money Transfer. this is 100% legal and you will not be paying any tax.!

Knowledge of only PC and mail to work for business. oil and Gas is WINGAS GmbH.

Please reply with attention to the application.

Michael Sasse.

No matter how hard I try, I can't shake the image in my head of there being one guy in all of Nigeria who happens to be sort of decent at writing English words that sounds business-y. There are lines of people out the door looking to contract his services and write up emails for their own scams. Oh Michael Sasse, I certainly will be replying with attention to the application.

From: "Roger Garrison" [roger@4kb.com]
To: gmbhwingas@aim.com
Subject: Re: Message From Wingas Oil Plc JOB DETAILS

Hello. To. You., Mr.. Michael. Sasse.,

I would like to thank you again for taking time out of what I assume to be an extremely busy schedule of writing amazing emails to personally type me up a reply and possibly answer my question. I say "possibly" because after reading your last message, my brain had some kind seizure trying to comprehend what you meant and I totally forgot what my original question was.

However, I would like reiterate to you just how committed I am to potentially applying for this opportunity that you're offering me. I've mentioned this new job offer to a few of my friends and they're all convinced that it's some kind of scam. I told them that they were crazy (and one of them is -- Jerry lives in a mental hospital). They're probably just jealous of my future success and I am not about to let this one slip by me.

You see, the last time I passed up an offer of wealth from someone I didn't know was when Slugworth offered to buy my golden ticket. He, much like yourself, also promised me vast sums of money but I declined his offer and went on a tour of some shitty chocolate factory instead. Trust me, I am well aware of the egg on my face after that decision.

So, how do we proceed from here? I feel like I've already made it to at least second base in our relationship and I am looking to steal third with or without your consent. I printed out the application form that you sent me but my room mate has a nasty habit of masturbating farm animals in the living room and one of the horses ate it. I can't really afford to print it out again.

How about this: you've already outlined what my responsibilities as an employee would be so I think I'm just going to go ahead and start doing them. Since I don't really know any of your clients or the amount of the payments I would processing, I'm just going to start guessing numbers and send you some Western Unions minus my 10%. I'm pretty much a do-it-myselfer so I don't think I'll need much managerial oversight. I guess you can just let me know how I am doing periodically. We'll call it a "review" or something like that. Whatever. I'm not as good as you at coming up with business-speak.

I guess that's that. I'm going to get to work and I suppose that you just sit by whatever mailbox you sit by and wait for the checks to come.

Let me know if you have any questions on our new arrangement.

I'm going to choose #451 as my employee number, so I hope that doesn't conflict with anything you've already got going on. (Or, maybe if the existing employee isn't as good as me, you can change his number.) I plan on going down in the WINGAS GmbH as the best employee ever. I'm down with O.P.P.

Yeah, You Know Me,
Roger Garrison
Western Union Money Sender Guy
WINGAS GmbH
Employee #451 (tentatively)
roger@4kb.com

With Roger now set as an officially unofficial employee of WINGAS GmbH, I do believe that my job here is done. For now. As long as there is money to be made off of stupid people, there will be spam email offers. There to reply to those offers will be Roger Garrison, the people's choice for true internet justice. Don't thank him -- it's his job.