With the most important electoral event of 2008 less than one bad Jack Bauer day away, the topics of voting, ballots, and voting for your favorite ballot are on the tips of tongues everywhere. People from all around the nation have been hounding us for the past few months regarding our party choice and which candidate we're endorsing. Trust us, your hounds have not gone unnoticed. After much wait and delay, the Pollestad.Net Committee on Announcing Election-Related Things is finally ready to declare who we're supporting as our next President of the Country We Live In (POFCWLI).
And the winner of our nomination is... me!
As some of you may recall from this previous update, I pioneered a new method for announcing one's candidacy by generating as little fanfare as possible and mentioning it on some backwater web page that no one reads. Press releases and newspaper ads are only for Socialist candidates. I was the first person to announce that I was going to participate in the 2008 race, doing so way back in 2005 when John McCain only had three houses and five types of face cancer. However, despite my early announcement and platform choices, I really haven't made much progress with my campaign. I had a monumental head start but the nice people at Target kicked me out of the store mere hours after setting up my headquarters in aisle 10 so I no longer had a place to call my own. My advisers kept telling me that I should have chosen Walmart since they tend to be more lenient but I'm allergic to terribly poor people and vetoed that idea.
My television time and public exposure from that point on was extremely limited, though you might have caught me a few months back on CNN as that one guy who the camera flashed by briefly while scanning the crowd. I was wearing a blue shirt. I wasn't invited to participate in the televised debates, so now I know how the Green Party candidate feels every four years. My advisers have since advised themselves not to be a part of my campaign and took off for greener pastures. Literally, because they were cows. They were cheap, didn't talk back, and supplied my campaign will all of the milk that I could drink. I failed at my attempts to sway the lactose intolerant vote. In hindsight, inviting them all to an ice cream social was a bad idea.
Still, if abortion has taught me anything, it's that it's never too late to take action and there is no reason why I should lose hope. I have more than 12 hours left in which I can convince people that I am the real deal. Since this election is considered historical and is poised to break new ground with regards to gender and race, what about age? My critics say that I am too young to run for President but I'm telling my critics that that's just conventional wisdom (and the Constitution) talking. Now is the time to think outside of the box! I'm potty trained and respond to at least 30 different commands. Can John McCain claim that? However, I'm more than just talk. I have plans to make real change (if under $20) and to be tough on the issues that I think are the easiest to solve.
Take gay marriage, for example. This is a real hot button issue, a term which sounds pretty gay in itself, and one that is a crucial topic for this election. Most candidates dodge the issue but I'm the only one telling it like it is. I'm all for gay marriage but I don't think it should be across the board. Lesbians -- and only the hot ones, mind you -- should not be allowed to marry. If they ever did, they may just settle down and stop walking around bars, clubs, and beaches kissing every other hot girl that they meet. Youtube and the cell phone porn industry would collapse and the idea of an America with no more hot jello wrestling is an America that I don't want to be a part of. However, to appease those constituents of mine who demand more discrimination, I will come forward and announce that I am against the rights of gay animals. I don't know about you but the sight of two same-sex zebras kissing is enough to send me into a fit of rage. As President, I have to draw the line somewhere to keep this country in check.
Speaking of checks, let's get tough on the economy. Everyone rushed to bail out the banks and there are new economic plans in the works to cut taxes and buy failed mortgages. That's ridiculous. It's this kind of backward thinking that got our country where it is right now. What we need is a forward thinking politician like me to come and shake things up. What is my plan to fix the economy? Simple: I plan to sell off Louisiana. The money from the sale and the savings of not needing a hurricane relief fund would get us out of debt in no time. Besides, we can always rely on our ownership of Puerto Rico to fill the "needy minorities who have just been through a tropical storm" gap in our hearts. We can still visit for Mardi Gras though.
I will admit that I don't have everything figured out yet, though. I don't have a cabinet picked out and I don't have a vice president in mind. I realize I have plenty of time (and very few choices) but to spice things up, I'm thinking of setting up some kind of "fight to the death" tournament in a winner-takes-all-of-whatever-the-vice-president-gets battle royal. I hear Joe Lieberman looks like the Predator when he takes his mask off.
I realize that time is of the essence and I thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope that I have brought forth a convincing case for nominating myself for the highest office in the land. If I have not, well, you're just a big fat doo-doo head. Regardless, whoever you decide to vote for tomorrow, it's important that you go out there and do it. I'm not but that shouldn't sway your determination in the least. The only thing I ever register for is my Megan's law requirements after I move to a new town. Which reminds me, if I get elected, I'll have to notify the authorities that I have changed jobs. Sounds like a job for the vice president.
And the winner of our nomination is... me!
As some of you may recall from this previous update, I pioneered a new method for announcing one's candidacy by generating as little fanfare as possible and mentioning it on some backwater web page that no one reads. Press releases and newspaper ads are only for Socialist candidates. I was the first person to announce that I was going to participate in the 2008 race, doing so way back in 2005 when John McCain only had three houses and five types of face cancer. However, despite my early announcement and platform choices, I really haven't made much progress with my campaign. I had a monumental head start but the nice people at Target kicked me out of the store mere hours after setting up my headquarters in aisle 10 so I no longer had a place to call my own. My advisers kept telling me that I should have chosen Walmart since they tend to be more lenient but I'm allergic to terribly poor people and vetoed that idea.
My television time and public exposure from that point on was extremely limited, though you might have caught me a few months back on CNN as that one guy who the camera flashed by briefly while scanning the crowd. I was wearing a blue shirt. I wasn't invited to participate in the televised debates, so now I know how the Green Party candidate feels every four years. My advisers have since advised themselves not to be a part of my campaign and took off for greener pastures. Literally, because they were cows. They were cheap, didn't talk back, and supplied my campaign will all of the milk that I could drink. I failed at my attempts to sway the lactose intolerant vote. In hindsight, inviting them all to an ice cream social was a bad idea.
Still, if abortion has taught me anything, it's that it's never too late to take action and there is no reason why I should lose hope. I have more than 12 hours left in which I can convince people that I am the real deal. Since this election is considered historical and is poised to break new ground with regards to gender and race, what about age? My critics say that I am too young to run for President but I'm telling my critics that that's just conventional wisdom (and the Constitution) talking. Now is the time to think outside of the box! I'm potty trained and respond to at least 30 different commands. Can John McCain claim that? However, I'm more than just talk. I have plans to make real change (if under $20) and to be tough on the issues that I think are the easiest to solve.
Take gay marriage, for example. This is a real hot button issue, a term which sounds pretty gay in itself, and one that is a crucial topic for this election. Most candidates dodge the issue but I'm the only one telling it like it is. I'm all for gay marriage but I don't think it should be across the board. Lesbians -- and only the hot ones, mind you -- should not be allowed to marry. If they ever did, they may just settle down and stop walking around bars, clubs, and beaches kissing every other hot girl that they meet. Youtube and the cell phone porn industry would collapse and the idea of an America with no more hot jello wrestling is an America that I don't want to be a part of. However, to appease those constituents of mine who demand more discrimination, I will come forward and announce that I am against the rights of gay animals. I don't know about you but the sight of two same-sex zebras kissing is enough to send me into a fit of rage. As President, I have to draw the line somewhere to keep this country in check.
Speaking of checks, let's get tough on the economy. Everyone rushed to bail out the banks and there are new economic plans in the works to cut taxes and buy failed mortgages. That's ridiculous. It's this kind of backward thinking that got our country where it is right now. What we need is a forward thinking politician like me to come and shake things up. What is my plan to fix the economy? Simple: I plan to sell off Louisiana. The money from the sale and the savings of not needing a hurricane relief fund would get us out of debt in no time. Besides, we can always rely on our ownership of Puerto Rico to fill the "needy minorities who have just been through a tropical storm" gap in our hearts. We can still visit for Mardi Gras though.
I will admit that I don't have everything figured out yet, though. I don't have a cabinet picked out and I don't have a vice president in mind. I realize I have plenty of time (and very few choices) but to spice things up, I'm thinking of setting up some kind of "fight to the death" tournament in a winner-takes-all-of-whatever-the-vice-president-gets battle royal. I hear Joe Lieberman looks like the Predator when he takes his mask off.
I realize that time is of the essence and I thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope that I have brought forth a convincing case for nominating myself for the highest office in the land. If I have not, well, you're just a big fat doo-doo head. Regardless, whoever you decide to vote for tomorrow, it's important that you go out there and do it. I'm not but that shouldn't sway your determination in the least. The only thing I ever register for is my Megan's law requirements after I move to a new town. Which reminds me, if I get elected, I'll have to notify the authorities that I have changed jobs. Sounds like a job for the vice president.
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