Rules: principles or regulations governing conduct, action, procedure,
or arrangement. Children hate them and rebels like to break them
but, as a society, they are necessary to keep us in line for without
them anarchy would reign supreme. Also, games of sudoku would become
ridiculously easy. But as with any system, there is always room
for suggestion and improvement.
When we last weighed in on what we though would be great additions to society's rule set, we cracked down on old people, fat people, fat old people, Paris Hilton, and ever expanding families. It was our genuine desire that you, as citizens, would have produced your collective notebooks and took these lessons to heart. You didn't, but I'm pretty sure that's only because three people actually read what I write. The fact that those three people didn't take any notes is something I am going to have to take up with them after class. The test isn't going to be open book, you know.
Still, we're not the type of people to let failure stand in our way. We've compiled yet another list of rules that we feel will benefit every card carrying member of society, presuming that said members can read and/are visiting this website. Knowledge is power and if everything I made up was true, I'd be He-Man but with more fashionable clothes. But enough topic cock-blocking, let's get on to the NEW RULES!
Rising Discourse: Stop trying to make small talk with me on the elevator. I realize that inside that tiny of brain of yours, it's quite likely that whatever small quip or quick joke you have on deck is probably truly hilarious. I also realize that is probably why you have an extremely limited social circle and have resorted to carrying on conversations with strangers in elevators. Please, just stop. If I wanted to establish a friendship with some stranger and have it last only five minutes, I'd hire a hooker. The banter would be a lot more interesting and at least I'd be getting sex out of it. Sure, I would be paying money for the priviledge but at least I wouldn't be left with the mental equivalent of blue balls. So unless you're going to start offering up hand jobs to the next person you crack an unfunny joke to, I'd advise you to practice on shutting the hell up.
Relative Finance: If your parents paid for or assisted in paying for the majority of something, you immediately lose all bragging rights about such. While I am extremely happy to hear about your fantastic wedding or that first class cruise you just took, you sound like a complete douchebag when you finally get around to mentioning that you had to request financing from up the family chain. Sure, I can certainly admire that new BMW that you just bought but you're still living at home, which kind of defeats the entire purpose of having a cool car. Stop acting like you "made it" when you can only afford nice things if your parents chip in.
Still Cinema: Ben Stiller needs to stop making romantic comedy movies. While I can certainly appreciate that he has a knack for playing a completely inept moron who somehow always snags the hottie, look Ben, we get it. We all get it by now. It was funny when you did it in "There's Something About Mary." That was 1998. It hasn't been since. Just give up the whole trying to date/marry women thing and just go. gay. At least we'd have something new to laugh about as you awkwardly attempt to please a man and I am sure the Farrelly brothers would love to finally have work again.
Double-sided Send-off: People need to stop waving good-bye with two hands. I'm not sure whether this is a woman thing, an old thing, or a rich, old, woman thing but what I do know is that it's damn annoying and for the love of god, it needs to stop. Yes lady, I saw you the other day leaving the restaurant waving good-bye to your friends. You used both hands and, yes, I am still pissed off about it. You looked like a retarded teenager waving good-bye to his special education instructor after a hard day of trying to learn what letter comes after "c". If this was some kind of misguided attempt to hold onto your youth, you failed and managed to look like a fully grown idiot in the process.
Phone Holes: Please stop using cell phone problems as a plot device for movies. While I understand that spotty coverage and horrible battery life was commonplace a few years ago, this situation has largely been rectified for years and is no longer credible in most scenarios. If you are driving in downtown Los Angeles being chased by a terrorist, I'm pretty sure that call to 911 will go through on the first try. If not, it's likely due to shitty scriptwriting as opposed to shitty cell service.
More Hip, Less Hop: Fans of hip-hop music need to stop getting so damn exicited every time some rapper comes up with a new "dance." Just because you're so damn fat that all you can manage to do is "lean back" doesn't make it dancing. If you're a Mexican without rhythm, leaning like a cholo might seem like a good idea but the reality is that you look like something that just popped out of a wind up jack-in-the-box. Being fat and uncoordinated isn't reason enough to come up with some new dance so that you don't look like an idiot at the club and, truthfully, if there wasn't some faggot rapping about it in his video, you wouldn't be caught dead doing it. But feel free to keep on two stepping and soulja walking if you must. I'll keep calling you Usher's retarded cousin.
And that's how we wrap up the second edition of new rules. Was it better than the first? Who cares! Much like a wheelchair-bound kleptomanic, you're going to sit there and take it because I said so. Also, I will be back sometime later with volume number three. I know this because I'm witty and people have as yet managed to not stop making me want to kill them. But since killing is against the law, I won't kill them but rather come up with rules for them to abide by so as they don't make me want to break the law. Or something like that. Bureaucracy wins again!
When we last weighed in on what we though would be great additions to society's rule set, we cracked down on old people, fat people, fat old people, Paris Hilton, and ever expanding families. It was our genuine desire that you, as citizens, would have produced your collective notebooks and took these lessons to heart. You didn't, but I'm pretty sure that's only because three people actually read what I write. The fact that those three people didn't take any notes is something I am going to have to take up with them after class. The test isn't going to be open book, you know.
Still, we're not the type of people to let failure stand in our way. We've compiled yet another list of rules that we feel will benefit every card carrying member of society, presuming that said members can read and/are visiting this website. Knowledge is power and if everything I made up was true, I'd be He-Man but with more fashionable clothes. But enough topic cock-blocking, let's get on to the NEW RULES!
Rising Discourse: Stop trying to make small talk with me on the elevator. I realize that inside that tiny of brain of yours, it's quite likely that whatever small quip or quick joke you have on deck is probably truly hilarious. I also realize that is probably why you have an extremely limited social circle and have resorted to carrying on conversations with strangers in elevators. Please, just stop. If I wanted to establish a friendship with some stranger and have it last only five minutes, I'd hire a hooker. The banter would be a lot more interesting and at least I'd be getting sex out of it. Sure, I would be paying money for the priviledge but at least I wouldn't be left with the mental equivalent of blue balls. So unless you're going to start offering up hand jobs to the next person you crack an unfunny joke to, I'd advise you to practice on shutting the hell up.
Relative Finance: If your parents paid for or assisted in paying for the majority of something, you immediately lose all bragging rights about such. While I am extremely happy to hear about your fantastic wedding or that first class cruise you just took, you sound like a complete douchebag when you finally get around to mentioning that you had to request financing from up the family chain. Sure, I can certainly admire that new BMW that you just bought but you're still living at home, which kind of defeats the entire purpose of having a cool car. Stop acting like you "made it" when you can only afford nice things if your parents chip in.
Still Cinema: Ben Stiller needs to stop making romantic comedy movies. While I can certainly appreciate that he has a knack for playing a completely inept moron who somehow always snags the hottie, look Ben, we get it. We all get it by now. It was funny when you did it in "There's Something About Mary." That was 1998. It hasn't been since. Just give up the whole trying to date/marry women thing and just go. gay. At least we'd have something new to laugh about as you awkwardly attempt to please a man and I am sure the Farrelly brothers would love to finally have work again.
Double-sided Send-off: People need to stop waving good-bye with two hands. I'm not sure whether this is a woman thing, an old thing, or a rich, old, woman thing but what I do know is that it's damn annoying and for the love of god, it needs to stop. Yes lady, I saw you the other day leaving the restaurant waving good-bye to your friends. You used both hands and, yes, I am still pissed off about it. You looked like a retarded teenager waving good-bye to his special education instructor after a hard day of trying to learn what letter comes after "c". If this was some kind of misguided attempt to hold onto your youth, you failed and managed to look like a fully grown idiot in the process.
Phone Holes: Please stop using cell phone problems as a plot device for movies. While I understand that spotty coverage and horrible battery life was commonplace a few years ago, this situation has largely been rectified for years and is no longer credible in most scenarios. If you are driving in downtown Los Angeles being chased by a terrorist, I'm pretty sure that call to 911 will go through on the first try. If not, it's likely due to shitty scriptwriting as opposed to shitty cell service.
More Hip, Less Hop: Fans of hip-hop music need to stop getting so damn exicited every time some rapper comes up with a new "dance." Just because you're so damn fat that all you can manage to do is "lean back" doesn't make it dancing. If you're a Mexican without rhythm, leaning like a cholo might seem like a good idea but the reality is that you look like something that just popped out of a wind up jack-in-the-box. Being fat and uncoordinated isn't reason enough to come up with some new dance so that you don't look like an idiot at the club and, truthfully, if there wasn't some faggot rapping about it in his video, you wouldn't be caught dead doing it. But feel free to keep on two stepping and soulja walking if you must. I'll keep calling you Usher's retarded cousin.
And that's how we wrap up the second edition of new rules. Was it better than the first? Who cares! Much like a wheelchair-bound kleptomanic, you're going to sit there and take it because I said so. Also, I will be back sometime later with volume number three. I know this because I'm witty and people have as yet managed to not stop making me want to kill them. But since killing is against the law, I won't kill them but rather come up with rules for them to abide by so as they don't make me want to break the law. Or something like that. Bureaucracy wins again!