Elevators are, for me, as I suspect for many of you, a frequent occurrence
in your everyday lives. Some of you may ride in them to get home or
have the occasion to use them while at work, while some of you simply
use it for leisure because you have a perverse altitude fetish and are also
somewhat of a cheapskate. Regardless of how you choose to use it,
the fact remains that you do use it and, if the imaginary numbers that I just
came up with to support my data are correct, you are probably a part of
the large percentage of people who use elevators poorly.
Now, if you're a person of at least average intelligence who has at least seen a two story office building that wasn't a farmhouse twice in the past, you might be asking yourself, "how on earth could you possibly use an elevator poorly?" Trust me, I used to wonder the same thing. Of course, I also used to wonder why the Make-A-Wish Foundation didn't call on itself and simply wish for no more terminally ill children so perhaps that not exactly a good barometer for which to judge good questions. While on the surface the elevator concept may appear straight forward to some, to others it's just as difficult as third grade math or understanding Canadians.
Here at the P.Net Corporation, we like to think that we put the "unity" in community, which is why we got together and forced some indentured servants to compile this guide on "Elevator Etiquette" while we sat around and threw garbage at their heads until it was finished. After reading this guide, you will be completely up to speed on what is involved in riding in an elevator properly, hopefully without pissing us off. It's a complex topic so be sure to read it really slow, pausing after the big words so that your brain has time to let them sink in. And without futher ado, let us journey into the latest edition of the P.Net Guides!
The Official P.Net Guidebook To Elevator Etiquette
Elevators. They go up. They go down. Elevators will get you where you need to go fast, provided that you need to go in either of the aforementioned directions. Elevators don't go sideways. Elevators were first invented in 1935 by Robbie O'Leary, a cripple, who was tired of the lack of handicapped access in his 50 story apartment building. Of course, handicapped people weren't invented until the late 1950's so pretty much everyone else just thought Robbie was being lazy. He was later hit in the head with a stray frisbee and lost his will to live, which subsequently caused him to not do just that. Robbie may have misplaced his life but his bi-directional mechanical wonder continues to live on, helping millions of obese people avoid the use of stairs each and every day.
With Robbie's sudden passing, the elevator was left with no common instruction set and thus its usage still remains a mystery to the majority of the population, similar to how the act of proper driving remains a mystery to most of the asian population. If you are one of this "vast majority," fret not, for the ultimate guide to elevator etiquette and behavior is here. By reading, absorbing, and following the simple rules outlined below, even you can begin using the elevator to it's full potential, all without managing to piss off everyone else riding with you. There are no gimmicks or tricks! It really is this easy.
Rule #1: If you're going to enter into the elevator and choose to stand directly in front of the panel of buttons, at least be courteous enough to ask the person getting in behind you what floor they want instead of glaring at them when they reach for their own button because you're an insecure pervert and you think that they are reaching for your genitals. If someone else trying to use the elevator properly is causing you discomfort, why not try pushing the button to your floor and moving to the other side of the elevator? You know, the one without the flashing panel of buttons that is attracting every newcomer. The only exception to this rule is if you're employed as a bellhop in training, in which case you're doing a poor job. You get paid to wear the funny outfit and push the buttons, not to inconvenience me and give me dirty looks.
Rule #2: Please stop trying to make funny jokes or small talk to other strangers in the elevator. We're only going up a few floors; we're not going on vacation together. While I do realize that me walking into the elevator with an arm full of groceries may seem like a wise time to make a "looks like someone went shopping!" comment, it's really not. I'm well aware of what I was doing prior to getting in the elevator and I don't really need you to reiterate it back to me. Should you persist in opening your mouth to state the obvious again, I am going to beat you with a sock full of nickels until your face looks like the bottom of my shoe after I've stepped in a fresh piece of bubble gum. The only exception to this rule is if you're a male and the stranger is a hot female. Guys, keep on making asses out of yourselves while in the elevator -- it's only increasing the chances for the rest of us.
Rule #3: Please do not attempt to re-enact the Civil War while inside the elevator. While I am pretty sure that no one has yet attempted this, it does bear mention here simply in case someone does try it. You can't say I didn't tell you it was a bad idea from the outset. Besides, I'm quite certain that no one west of Kansas really gives a damn about the Civil War. We prefer to remember the Alamo instead.
Rule #4: When inside the elevator, learn to pay attention to what floor you need to get off on and what floor the elevator is actually stopping on. Note that it's possible for the two to be different depending on the amount of occupants your current elevator has. While I realize that counting is hard and that reading something that counts for you is even harder, you should realize that riding in an elevator is a priviledge which you have to earn. If you just got into an elevator on the tenth floor and you know that you have to exit in the lobby, it's common sense to think that it'll take the elevator a little while to get down there. If the ride seems a little too quick, you're probably getting ready to get off on the wrong floor. Aside from AIDS, there isn't much in this world more funny than watching some jackass stride off the elevator with purpose and then uttering "whoops!" as they realize they exited four floors early. That's enough to buy you a long trip down the stairs, fella.
Rule #5: Prior to actually entering the elevator, you should also make a mental note as to whether you need to go up or down and plan your elevator entry accordingly. While this may sound elementary to most, you know, given the fact that they are all kinds of blinking lights and arrows pointed in the direction that the elevator is going, it still happens about as frequently as a redneck showers, which is to say every now and again. If I am waiting for the elevator on the bottom floor and you decide not to get off after it picks me up, I know you fucked up and didn't pay attention. This gives me license to laugh and spit on you for the duration of the trip or until I get tired, depending on how long the ride is. Also, please don't try and hide it behind that "I wanted to ride the elevator down and then back up because that is what I do for exercise" look because it isn't working. You're a moron, plain and simple.
Having read the five rules outlined above, you should be well on your way to a successful elevator experience. If you feel like you may not be fully prepared for the task that proper elevator etiquette presents you, please demote yourself back to using the stairs. Once you have fully mastered those, feel free to move on to the "moving stairs" that they have at the mall. This will get you used to vertical lift without the use of complicated buttons and directions. After you have mastered that, please re-read this guide again and prepare for the exciting new world of enclosed lift-off. It's the closest that someone as dumb as you will ever get to a space launch! Viva la vertical!
Now, if you're a person of at least average intelligence who has at least seen a two story office building that wasn't a farmhouse twice in the past, you might be asking yourself, "how on earth could you possibly use an elevator poorly?" Trust me, I used to wonder the same thing. Of course, I also used to wonder why the Make-A-Wish Foundation didn't call on itself and simply wish for no more terminally ill children so perhaps that not exactly a good barometer for which to judge good questions. While on the surface the elevator concept may appear straight forward to some, to others it's just as difficult as third grade math or understanding Canadians.
|
Here at the P.Net Corporation, we like to think that we put the "unity" in community, which is why we got together and forced some indentured servants to compile this guide on "Elevator Etiquette" while we sat around and threw garbage at their heads until it was finished. After reading this guide, you will be completely up to speed on what is involved in riding in an elevator properly, hopefully without pissing us off. It's a complex topic so be sure to read it really slow, pausing after the big words so that your brain has time to let them sink in. And without futher ado, let us journey into the latest edition of the P.Net Guides!
The Official P.Net Guidebook To Elevator Etiquette
Elevators. They go up. They go down. Elevators will get you where you need to go fast, provided that you need to go in either of the aforementioned directions. Elevators don't go sideways. Elevators were first invented in 1935 by Robbie O'Leary, a cripple, who was tired of the lack of handicapped access in his 50 story apartment building. Of course, handicapped people weren't invented until the late 1950's so pretty much everyone else just thought Robbie was being lazy. He was later hit in the head with a stray frisbee and lost his will to live, which subsequently caused him to not do just that. Robbie may have misplaced his life but his bi-directional mechanical wonder continues to live on, helping millions of obese people avoid the use of stairs each and every day.
With Robbie's sudden passing, the elevator was left with no common instruction set and thus its usage still remains a mystery to the majority of the population, similar to how the act of proper driving remains a mystery to most of the asian population. If you are one of this "vast majority," fret not, for the ultimate guide to elevator etiquette and behavior is here. By reading, absorbing, and following the simple rules outlined below, even you can begin using the elevator to it's full potential, all without managing to piss off everyone else riding with you. There are no gimmicks or tricks! It really is this easy.
Rule #1: If you're going to enter into the elevator and choose to stand directly in front of the panel of buttons, at least be courteous enough to ask the person getting in behind you what floor they want instead of glaring at them when they reach for their own button because you're an insecure pervert and you think that they are reaching for your genitals. If someone else trying to use the elevator properly is causing you discomfort, why not try pushing the button to your floor and moving to the other side of the elevator? You know, the one without the flashing panel of buttons that is attracting every newcomer. The only exception to this rule is if you're employed as a bellhop in training, in which case you're doing a poor job. You get paid to wear the funny outfit and push the buttons, not to inconvenience me and give me dirty looks.
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Rule #2: Please stop trying to make funny jokes or small talk to other strangers in the elevator. We're only going up a few floors; we're not going on vacation together. While I do realize that me walking into the elevator with an arm full of groceries may seem like a wise time to make a "looks like someone went shopping!" comment, it's really not. I'm well aware of what I was doing prior to getting in the elevator and I don't really need you to reiterate it back to me. Should you persist in opening your mouth to state the obvious again, I am going to beat you with a sock full of nickels until your face looks like the bottom of my shoe after I've stepped in a fresh piece of bubble gum. The only exception to this rule is if you're a male and the stranger is a hot female. Guys, keep on making asses out of yourselves while in the elevator -- it's only increasing the chances for the rest of us.
Rule #3: Please do not attempt to re-enact the Civil War while inside the elevator. While I am pretty sure that no one has yet attempted this, it does bear mention here simply in case someone does try it. You can't say I didn't tell you it was a bad idea from the outset. Besides, I'm quite certain that no one west of Kansas really gives a damn about the Civil War. We prefer to remember the Alamo instead.
Rule #4: When inside the elevator, learn to pay attention to what floor you need to get off on and what floor the elevator is actually stopping on. Note that it's possible for the two to be different depending on the amount of occupants your current elevator has. While I realize that counting is hard and that reading something that counts for you is even harder, you should realize that riding in an elevator is a priviledge which you have to earn. If you just got into an elevator on the tenth floor and you know that you have to exit in the lobby, it's common sense to think that it'll take the elevator a little while to get down there. If the ride seems a little too quick, you're probably getting ready to get off on the wrong floor. Aside from AIDS, there isn't much in this world more funny than watching some jackass stride off the elevator with purpose and then uttering "whoops!" as they realize they exited four floors early. That's enough to buy you a long trip down the stairs, fella.
|
Rule #5: Prior to actually entering the elevator, you should also make a mental note as to whether you need to go up or down and plan your elevator entry accordingly. While this may sound elementary to most, you know, given the fact that they are all kinds of blinking lights and arrows pointed in the direction that the elevator is going, it still happens about as frequently as a redneck showers, which is to say every now and again. If I am waiting for the elevator on the bottom floor and you decide not to get off after it picks me up, I know you fucked up and didn't pay attention. This gives me license to laugh and spit on you for the duration of the trip or until I get tired, depending on how long the ride is. Also, please don't try and hide it behind that "I wanted to ride the elevator down and then back up because that is what I do for exercise" look because it isn't working. You're a moron, plain and simple.
Having read the five rules outlined above, you should be well on your way to a successful elevator experience. If you feel like you may not be fully prepared for the task that proper elevator etiquette presents you, please demote yourself back to using the stairs. Once you have fully mastered those, feel free to move on to the "moving stairs" that they have at the mall. This will get you used to vertical lift without the use of complicated buttons and directions. After you have mastered that, please re-read this guide again and prepare for the exciting new world of enclosed lift-off. It's the closest that someone as dumb as you will ever get to a space launch! Viva la vertical!