While I make no effort to discredit the claim that I am among the top
five literary talents in the world today, I also make no effort to
discredit the claim that I am also among the top five most unreliable
writers in the world. Despite the fact that I take my role as a
purveyor of juvenile humor and stuff-that-I-make-up-to-sound-factual
very seriously, I am not without constant attempts by life to interrupt
my quest to prove to everyone that I am certifiably retarded. My
magnum opus about a midget and a unicorn forming up to become an
unlikely superhero duo has been stopped and started more times than I
can count, which is basically some number higher than four.
More recently, however, my attempts to publicly display my combination of big words and dull wit have been thwarted by a series of work-related training courses in which my participation has been forced. This has only served to distract me from doing what I do best: writing haikus about the sport of bowling. Still, since the majority of my readership is somehow involved in the technical industry in one form or another -- prostitution can be technical if performed correctly -- I figured, probably incorrectly, that I could share my training experience with everyone in the form of an update which is both entertaining and helping me to fulfill my parole requirements at the same time.
Information Technology, or IT for people who like acronyms, is the study of computers and other high-tech gadgets that sort of do computerish things by a group of people who form up the societal class of "Nerd." If you have never seen a nerd before, they can generally be picked out of a line-up either because of their keen fashion sense (a two-sizes too small unwashed t-shirt depicting their favorite anime characters) or from their neckbeard, which still sports residue from the bag of Cheetos they ate last week. Most also have glasses. These nerds have honed their skills through years of training, time mostly spent chatting on internet forums and masturbating to pictures of Bill Gates in their parent's basement. These are the people that make the internet work. These are also the people that will likely wind up alongside you in your IT training class.
When you first arrive at your technical training establishment of choice, you'll find yourself being greeted by a group of women who, if this place were anywhere else, would in no way be considered attractive. Unfortunately, to the average nerd who last saw vagina as he was being thrown out of the birth canal, these women might as well be Playboy playmates. After check-in, you're taken down hallways whose walls are adorned with stock photographs of seashells and people jumping out of planes. All of these pictures have succinct but vague phrases underneath them such as "Development" and "Certify." I even saw an omnious one about keeping hackers out of your personal files but that's just stupid. My personal files need a social life too! Anyway, once you finally get to your classroom, likely for a class that you don't really want to be in anyway, you're greeted with a pretty standard cast of IT training characters. Regardless of what the class is, better than even money says that these fine personality types will be there. I have outlined the major players below.
Frustrated Old Guy: Old people like to say that technology is a young man's game and young people like to say that old people are Death's bedfellow. This, however, doesn't mean that the two don't sometimes cross paths. I have attended more than my fair share of training courses and without exception, there is always at least one frustrated old guy. Having spent most of his adult life in some form of the armed services (probably the navy), this is the kind of guy who doesn't quite get the phrase "a little late for a career change." Apparently, after sitting around for 20 years being told exactly what to do and how to think, the ever-changing and think-for-yourself technology environment sounds like a natural transition. This is the guy that is stopping the rest of the class from progressing because he can't seem to get the most basic of computer-related concepts. And he's not one to keep quiet about it either. This guy doesn't know the meaning of inner dialogue and, whether you want to or not, you'll know exactly what the old guy is working on and where he is stuck. It's like mumbling except he's not using his library voice. I realize that we all have to start somewhere but maybe you should think about whether starting at 50 years old is a good idea. (Hint: it isn't.)
Added Bonus: Be leery of frustrated old guy during break periods. He will approach you. He will tell you how difficult the last module was and precisely what he didn't get about it. He will then make some kind of "punch card" joke and/or reference that he still remembers back when computers used to take up entire rooms.
Morbidly Obese Guy: I will admit that the IT industry isn't exactly at the peak of health and fitness but, as with everything, there are acceptable limits and then there is just gross. This guy falls into the latter catergory. Hell, this guy *IS* the latter catergory. The morbidly obese guy really needs no description. If you've stepped within a 5 mile radius of a McDonald's in the past three years, I'm sure you've seen at least four. Basically, they sweat a lot and breathe so heavy that it sounds like it actually takes work for them to exhale. This is usually accompanied by a bright red face, probably because they just exerted a whole days worth of energy in raising their fingers to the keyboard. Morbidly obese guy adds humor to the class, especially if given a really small chair to sit in, though his constant shifting and tugging at his clothing will eventually become an annoyance if the class is of any sufficient length.
Added Bonus: Try to seat yourself anywhere but next to morbidly obese guy. Everytime that he wants to get by, either to use the restroom or eat an entire cow in the hallway, he will need to get past you. In this scenario, you have two choices: one, get up every single time, which will constantly serve as an interruption to whatever it is you're working on; or two, if you don't get up, he will have to squeeze by you, resulting in either knocking something of value on to the floor or rubbing his fat rolls along the back of your neck as he passes. I'd rather drink a slow-acting poison.
Nerd Who Smells Like Body Odor: Much like health and fitness, nerds aren't much for cleanliness, opting to bathe in pizza grease and soda rather than step into the shower. This tends to lead to the one guy in the class who smells horrible. Most often, this is body odor but on the special occasion, you may also be fortunate enough to run into a "nerd who smells like laundry soap" or the vaunted "spoiled milk nerd." If you see the latter, collect him. He's rare and worth a lot of money. Regardless of how well you actually do in the class, this special nerd will immediately latch onto you the instant you walk into class. He will strike up interesting conversations with such topics as video games, Dungeons & Dragons, or whatever latest gadget is popular in the computer world. Look, I realize that I am in a computer class but that doesn't mean that I give a shit and certainly doesn't mean that I want to spend all day pouring over the latest Wired magazine with you because you think it's cool. I'm afraid that I might catch something from that thing that is growing out of the side of your forehead.
Added Bonus: If you're lucky, the class that you are attending will not require you to pair up with a partner. If you're not so lucky, nerd who smells will immediately run over to you and attempt to be your partner because he wants to tell you all about his World of Warcraft character. If this situation occurs, start talking about stuff you did last night OUTSIDE of the house. He'll panic at the thought of seeing the sun and run away.
Odd "Man" Out Female: Not to be stereotypical but the nerd role is one for men and dominated by men. Sure, the idea of a female nerd is highly appealing to male nerds but the reality is that people that look like supermodels will never be interested in technology. So what the hell is that female doing in your class? Who knows, maybe she was once a man. Regardless, this female nerd is not attractive and is likely obese, though less so than morbidly obese man. She won't be the most fashionable and tends to wear a perfume that smells like a mixture of sweat and fish oil, possibly because it really is sweat and fish oil. In what is likely an effort to be "heard" in a male-dominated industry, this female is hardly the quiet type. Generally loud and abrasive, she will make every effort to say her piece regardless of the point of the conversation. Additionally, she has a joke for everything. Well, she thinks that she has a joke for everything. They aren't funny and she's the only one laughing. At her own jokes. Now, this isn't some kind of run-of-the-mill laugh either. It sounds like it starts from the bottom of her feet and eventually erupts into an all-out roar, spewing whatever small child she had for lunch all over the computer monitor and the person sitting in front of her. I believe that southern people call it a "guffaw" and it's damn annoying.
Added Bonus: Pair her up with someone else in the class for continuous personal amusement. If she sits next to frustrated old guy, neither of them will get it and you get to listen in on all the idiocy while they try and figure out why nothing is working. Pair her up with smelly nerd and you get to watch him salivate at the prospect that he might get to touch her arm the next time she leans over and asks for help. Don't pair her up with morbidly obese guy. The idea of them copulating makes me want to throw up.
Honorable Mentions: Token foreign guy and the chick who on Monday looks like hell but after spending a week in class with her, you've pretty much convinced yourself that she's doable.
The world of IT is confusing to most people but that doesn't seem to stop them from trying to make a career out of it. Go home and take a nice, long look at yourself in the mirror. Think real hard. If you think that you might even come close to matching one of the catergories above, do me a favor: fill up the tub, climb in, and have playtime with anything that's plugged in. It'll only hurt for a second.
More recently, however, my attempts to publicly display my combination of big words and dull wit have been thwarted by a series of work-related training courses in which my participation has been forced. This has only served to distract me from doing what I do best: writing haikus about the sport of bowling. Still, since the majority of my readership is somehow involved in the technical industry in one form or another -- prostitution can be technical if performed correctly -- I figured, probably incorrectly, that I could share my training experience with everyone in the form of an update which is both entertaining and helping me to fulfill my parole requirements at the same time.
Information Technology, or IT for people who like acronyms, is the study of computers and other high-tech gadgets that sort of do computerish things by a group of people who form up the societal class of "Nerd." If you have never seen a nerd before, they can generally be picked out of a line-up either because of their keen fashion sense (a two-sizes too small unwashed t-shirt depicting their favorite anime characters) or from their neckbeard, which still sports residue from the bag of Cheetos they ate last week. Most also have glasses. These nerds have honed their skills through years of training, time mostly spent chatting on internet forums and masturbating to pictures of Bill Gates in their parent's basement. These are the people that make the internet work. These are also the people that will likely wind up alongside you in your IT training class.
When you first arrive at your technical training establishment of choice, you'll find yourself being greeted by a group of women who, if this place were anywhere else, would in no way be considered attractive. Unfortunately, to the average nerd who last saw vagina as he was being thrown out of the birth canal, these women might as well be Playboy playmates. After check-in, you're taken down hallways whose walls are adorned with stock photographs of seashells and people jumping out of planes. All of these pictures have succinct but vague phrases underneath them such as "Development" and "Certify." I even saw an omnious one about keeping hackers out of your personal files but that's just stupid. My personal files need a social life too! Anyway, once you finally get to your classroom, likely for a class that you don't really want to be in anyway, you're greeted with a pretty standard cast of IT training characters. Regardless of what the class is, better than even money says that these fine personality types will be there. I have outlined the major players below.
Frustrated Old Guy: Old people like to say that technology is a young man's game and young people like to say that old people are Death's bedfellow. This, however, doesn't mean that the two don't sometimes cross paths. I have attended more than my fair share of training courses and without exception, there is always at least one frustrated old guy. Having spent most of his adult life in some form of the armed services (probably the navy), this is the kind of guy who doesn't quite get the phrase "a little late for a career change." Apparently, after sitting around for 20 years being told exactly what to do and how to think, the ever-changing and think-for-yourself technology environment sounds like a natural transition. This is the guy that is stopping the rest of the class from progressing because he can't seem to get the most basic of computer-related concepts. And he's not one to keep quiet about it either. This guy doesn't know the meaning of inner dialogue and, whether you want to or not, you'll know exactly what the old guy is working on and where he is stuck. It's like mumbling except he's not using his library voice. I realize that we all have to start somewhere but maybe you should think about whether starting at 50 years old is a good idea. (Hint: it isn't.)
Added Bonus: Be leery of frustrated old guy during break periods. He will approach you. He will tell you how difficult the last module was and precisely what he didn't get about it. He will then make some kind of "punch card" joke and/or reference that he still remembers back when computers used to take up entire rooms.
Morbidly Obese Guy: I will admit that the IT industry isn't exactly at the peak of health and fitness but, as with everything, there are acceptable limits and then there is just gross. This guy falls into the latter catergory. Hell, this guy *IS* the latter catergory. The morbidly obese guy really needs no description. If you've stepped within a 5 mile radius of a McDonald's in the past three years, I'm sure you've seen at least four. Basically, they sweat a lot and breathe so heavy that it sounds like it actually takes work for them to exhale. This is usually accompanied by a bright red face, probably because they just exerted a whole days worth of energy in raising their fingers to the keyboard. Morbidly obese guy adds humor to the class, especially if given a really small chair to sit in, though his constant shifting and tugging at his clothing will eventually become an annoyance if the class is of any sufficient length.
Added Bonus: Try to seat yourself anywhere but next to morbidly obese guy. Everytime that he wants to get by, either to use the restroom or eat an entire cow in the hallway, he will need to get past you. In this scenario, you have two choices: one, get up every single time, which will constantly serve as an interruption to whatever it is you're working on; or two, if you don't get up, he will have to squeeze by you, resulting in either knocking something of value on to the floor or rubbing his fat rolls along the back of your neck as he passes. I'd rather drink a slow-acting poison.
Nerd Who Smells Like Body Odor: Much like health and fitness, nerds aren't much for cleanliness, opting to bathe in pizza grease and soda rather than step into the shower. This tends to lead to the one guy in the class who smells horrible. Most often, this is body odor but on the special occasion, you may also be fortunate enough to run into a "nerd who smells like laundry soap" or the vaunted "spoiled milk nerd." If you see the latter, collect him. He's rare and worth a lot of money. Regardless of how well you actually do in the class, this special nerd will immediately latch onto you the instant you walk into class. He will strike up interesting conversations with such topics as video games, Dungeons & Dragons, or whatever latest gadget is popular in the computer world. Look, I realize that I am in a computer class but that doesn't mean that I give a shit and certainly doesn't mean that I want to spend all day pouring over the latest Wired magazine with you because you think it's cool. I'm afraid that I might catch something from that thing that is growing out of the side of your forehead.
Added Bonus: If you're lucky, the class that you are attending will not require you to pair up with a partner. If you're not so lucky, nerd who smells will immediately run over to you and attempt to be your partner because he wants to tell you all about his World of Warcraft character. If this situation occurs, start talking about stuff you did last night OUTSIDE of the house. He'll panic at the thought of seeing the sun and run away.
Odd "Man" Out Female: Not to be stereotypical but the nerd role is one for men and dominated by men. Sure, the idea of a female nerd is highly appealing to male nerds but the reality is that people that look like supermodels will never be interested in technology. So what the hell is that female doing in your class? Who knows, maybe she was once a man. Regardless, this female nerd is not attractive and is likely obese, though less so than morbidly obese man. She won't be the most fashionable and tends to wear a perfume that smells like a mixture of sweat and fish oil, possibly because it really is sweat and fish oil. In what is likely an effort to be "heard" in a male-dominated industry, this female is hardly the quiet type. Generally loud and abrasive, she will make every effort to say her piece regardless of the point of the conversation. Additionally, she has a joke for everything. Well, she thinks that she has a joke for everything. They aren't funny and she's the only one laughing. At her own jokes. Now, this isn't some kind of run-of-the-mill laugh either. It sounds like it starts from the bottom of her feet and eventually erupts into an all-out roar, spewing whatever small child she had for lunch all over the computer monitor and the person sitting in front of her. I believe that southern people call it a "guffaw" and it's damn annoying.
Added Bonus: Pair her up with someone else in the class for continuous personal amusement. If she sits next to frustrated old guy, neither of them will get it and you get to listen in on all the idiocy while they try and figure out why nothing is working. Pair her up with smelly nerd and you get to watch him salivate at the prospect that he might get to touch her arm the next time she leans over and asks for help. Don't pair her up with morbidly obese guy. The idea of them copulating makes me want to throw up.
Honorable Mentions: Token foreign guy and the chick who on Monday looks like hell but after spending a week in class with her, you've pretty much convinced yourself that she's doable.
The world of IT is confusing to most people but that doesn't seem to stop them from trying to make a career out of it. Go home and take a nice, long look at yourself in the mirror. Think real hard. If you think that you might even come close to matching one of the catergories above, do me a favor: fill up the tub, climb in, and have playtime with anything that's plugged in. It'll only hurt for a second.