This may come as a bit of a surprise to many of the people reading this
but you and me aren't very much alike. You see, as the holidays
come in and stampede over us like a herd of fat people at a free bake
sale, many people are spending their available time revving up their
holiday spirit and goodwill engines. Those of us in the P.Net offices,
however, aren't so lucky. While almost everyone we know is
taking time off work and planning vacations or holiday getaways to
spend time with friends or family, we are actually hard at work casing
houses and planning to rob those same people along with their friends
and family. And it seems like our work is never done.
At least, that's how it used to be. This year, for whatever reason, just seems different. Maybe it's because my venlafaxine prescription finally expired or because my obsession with philately started paying off -- I don't really know. What I do know is that, for once, the staff here is finally starting to take time out and really enjoy the holidays, despite limited to access to illicit drugs and midget Venezuelan prostitutes who do backflips on demand. Since holidays are meant to be shared, I figured that this would be a perfect opportunity to call my good friend Skip Walker and rap with him about Thanksgiving.
Randy: Hello Skip Walker, my bestest comrade and friend to all of the water fowl in Michigan.
Skip: What the.. Randy, are you off your pills again?
Randy: Actually, yes, thanks for noticing.
Skip: Like it's terribly difficult. You're so retarded that you being off your meds is about as inconspicuous as a muslim at a baptism.
Randy: But muslims don't go to baptisms, Skip.
Skip: Christ, you can be so dense sometimes. I hope this call has a point. I have a lot of things to do between now and tomorrow.
Randy: My, what a convenient segue! That's precisely why I was calling! Do you know what tomorrow is?
Skip: Yeah, hopefully the day that my restraining order kicks in.
Randy: No, silly. It's Thanksgiving!
Skip: Yes, which also explains why you tried to make me work a double shift.
Randy: Skip, did you know that Thanksgiving started off as a Spanish tradition celebrated in Mexico in 1550?
Skip: No it didn't.
Randy: It turns out that the word "thanks" was actually Spanish for "herpes" and the village whore would give it to all the children once a year if they were bad.
Skip: Randy, that's absolutely the most absurd thing that I have ever heard. Aside from your theory of relativity, I mean. Thanksgiving is an American tradition that was first celebrated by the Pilgrims and Indians.
Randy: What's wrong about my relativity theory?
Skip: Aside from being wholly incorrect? Everything else.
Randy: Skip, if I'm so wrong, then why do they call Philidephia the "city of brotherly love?"
Skip: Look, idiot, the theory of relativity has nothing to with brothers, sisters, or any other kinds of relatives or family members. It has to do with the laws of motion.
Randy: Well, that's just dumb. Show me a textbook that says what you say.
Skip: Christ, you moron. No such textbook exists because no one would bother wasting time trying to disprove something so stupidly absurd.
Randy: So you're saying that it might be right?
Skip: I'm saying that I don't think your brain formed right when you were a child.
Randy: Well, you know what Skip? I'm at a loss for words. You've left me as stunned as an Iranian college student in a UCLA library.
Skip: I'd wish you were at a loss for a lot more than words. Like breathing.
Randy: Skip, what's something that you're thankful for?
Skip: I'm thankful that this conversation is almost over.
Randy: I'm thankful for creme pies. I don't eat them but I'm thankful that they are there.
Skip: I hope you choke on a neckbone.
Randy: They see me shoppin', they hatin', I'm coppin, they tryin' to stop me from buyin' turkey.
Skip: Um, what?
Randy: Tryin' to catch me buying turkey, tryin' to catch me buying turkey!
Skip: I think your brain cells have gone on strike.
Randy: Hey Skip, you know what else I am thankful for? That I was never a Toys'R'Us kid. Nothing good ever came out of being a child star.
Skip: Ok, well, that's great. I, uh, have to run. I have an overdose of estazolam with my name on it.
Randy: I hope you have a great Thanksgiving, Skip! I'll try not to stop by but, you know, if I am in the neighborhood...
Skip: Oh Christ, please don't.
Randy: Great! See you tomorrow then!
With that all wrapped up, from the staff here at the P.Net Campus, have a happy Thanksgiving. Unless you're alone, in which case you'll probably be all depressed and crying into your Hungry Man turkey dinner. Also, if you're not American, you are likely not celebrating Thanksgiving anyway, so I sort of wasn't wishing you guys anything. I mean, I'm not hating but since you're not allowed to celebrate, I really don't like being wasteful. Also, if you are planning on attacking the US, tomorrow is probably a great day since we'll all be stuffed from dinner and either watching football or beating our spouses. Make America #1 this holiday season!
At least, that's how it used to be. This year, for whatever reason, just seems different. Maybe it's because my venlafaxine prescription finally expired or because my obsession with philately started paying off -- I don't really know. What I do know is that, for once, the staff here is finally starting to take time out and really enjoy the holidays, despite limited to access to illicit drugs and midget Venezuelan prostitutes who do backflips on demand. Since holidays are meant to be shared, I figured that this would be a perfect opportunity to call my good friend Skip Walker and rap with him about Thanksgiving.
Randy: Hello Skip Walker, my bestest comrade and friend to all of the water fowl in Michigan.
Skip: What the.. Randy, are you off your pills again?
Randy: Actually, yes, thanks for noticing.
Skip: Like it's terribly difficult. You're so retarded that you being off your meds is about as inconspicuous as a muslim at a baptism.
Randy: But muslims don't go to baptisms, Skip.
Skip: Christ, you can be so dense sometimes. I hope this call has a point. I have a lot of things to do between now and tomorrow.
Randy: My, what a convenient segue! That's precisely why I was calling! Do you know what tomorrow is?
Skip: Yeah, hopefully the day that my restraining order kicks in.
Randy: No, silly. It's Thanksgiving!
Skip: Yes, which also explains why you tried to make me work a double shift.
Randy: Skip, did you know that Thanksgiving started off as a Spanish tradition celebrated in Mexico in 1550?
Skip: No it didn't.
Randy: It turns out that the word "thanks" was actually Spanish for "herpes" and the village whore would give it to all the children once a year if they were bad.
Skip: Randy, that's absolutely the most absurd thing that I have ever heard. Aside from your theory of relativity, I mean. Thanksgiving is an American tradition that was first celebrated by the Pilgrims and Indians.
Randy: What's wrong about my relativity theory?
Skip: Aside from being wholly incorrect? Everything else.
Randy: Skip, if I'm so wrong, then why do they call Philidephia the "city of brotherly love?"
Skip: Look, idiot, the theory of relativity has nothing to with brothers, sisters, or any other kinds of relatives or family members. It has to do with the laws of motion.
Randy: Well, that's just dumb. Show me a textbook that says what you say.
Skip: Christ, you moron. No such textbook exists because no one would bother wasting time trying to disprove something so stupidly absurd.
Randy: So you're saying that it might be right?
Skip: I'm saying that I don't think your brain formed right when you were a child.
Randy: Well, you know what Skip? I'm at a loss for words. You've left me as stunned as an Iranian college student in a UCLA library.
Skip: I'd wish you were at a loss for a lot more than words. Like breathing.
Randy: Skip, what's something that you're thankful for?
Skip: I'm thankful that this conversation is almost over.
Randy: I'm thankful for creme pies. I don't eat them but I'm thankful that they are there.
Skip: I hope you choke on a neckbone.
Randy: They see me shoppin', they hatin', I'm coppin, they tryin' to stop me from buyin' turkey.
Skip: Um, what?
Randy: Tryin' to catch me buying turkey, tryin' to catch me buying turkey!
Skip: I think your brain cells have gone on strike.
Randy: Hey Skip, you know what else I am thankful for? That I was never a Toys'R'Us kid. Nothing good ever came out of being a child star.
Skip: Ok, well, that's great. I, uh, have to run. I have an overdose of estazolam with my name on it.
Randy: I hope you have a great Thanksgiving, Skip! I'll try not to stop by but, you know, if I am in the neighborhood...
Skip: Oh Christ, please don't.
Randy: Great! See you tomorrow then!
With that all wrapped up, from the staff here at the P.Net Campus, have a happy Thanksgiving. Unless you're alone, in which case you'll probably be all depressed and crying into your Hungry Man turkey dinner. Also, if you're not American, you are likely not celebrating Thanksgiving anyway, so I sort of wasn't wishing you guys anything. I mean, I'm not hating but since you're not allowed to celebrate, I really don't like being wasteful. Also, if you are planning on attacking the US, tomorrow is probably a great day since we'll all be stuffed from dinner and either watching football or beating our spouses. Make America #1 this holiday season!