For those lucky few who have paid attention to the past few updates,
you've probably noticed that I have been on an honesty kick lately. While this may come as a shock to some of you, I try, for the most part, to be an honest person in my everyday life. In fact, nowadays, I pretty much only lie when it suits me or when I think it'll help me advance in whatever wacky scenario I find myself in, which is to say that I probably still lie a lot. I blame the Republicans. Anyway, since I am on a diet of honesty, it's only prudent that I pull a Ted Haggard and come clean: I may have lied to you during the last update. Sort of.
You see, the last time we got together and talked, it was a more innocent time in America and the milk in my fridge had yet to spoil. We sat around a campfire made atop a semi-concious homeless person, held hands, and talked about the wonders of buying new stuff. During that talk, I cited a number of horrible examples where retail shopping had gone wrong. As a point-counterpoint, I also cited the supermarket as a simple place to go where all your retail worries fade away amongst aisles stocked with birth control or cereal, depending on where you are in the store. In that simplistic description, it is I who misled you into thinking that the average grocery store was a safe haven for the idiocies of the war on retail. This is, unfortunately, not so.
While it remains somewhat true that food shopping is, for the most part, a simple experience, it is definitely not without it's flaws and headaches. Even without the encumbrance of annoying salesmen fighting over you for a tiny commission, the supermarket still contains a vast list of enemies that are hellbent on frustrating you at every squeaky-wheeled turn. Since I sort of care about each and every one of you, today's update is dedicated to shedding light on these worrisome intruders.
The Inconsiderate Cart Person: Grocery stores are pretty simple places and it's a sure bet that everyone in a grocery store has used it at least one other time in their life. It's not like these are new inventions that people from the 1950's have a hard time adapting to. That's what makes the inconsiderate cart person so frustrating. These are people who wander around the store aisles completely oblivious to anyone but themselves, parking their carts smack in the middle of the aisle while their eyes slothfully scan every single item on the shelves, effectively blocking any all traffic up or down that aisle. A loud cough or an "excuse me" tends to grab their attention, at which point they seemed astonished that you would have the audacity to, I don't know, want to pass them for some reason. God forbid that you should be in a hurry or want to get out of the supermarket before your social security kicks in.
The Price Haggler: Grocery stores are not flea markets or auction houses. In general, the price you see marked on the shelf is the price you're going to be rung up at. If you don't like those terms, perhaps you shouldn't be food shopping. Still, it never fails that there is one person who will try and haggle with the clerk whenever they think that an item is overpriced. "No, that's not what the shelf said. I'm not paying that price." Invariably, the clerk is powerless to do much other than explain that that is what the item rang up as and ask for a price check, causing exorbitant delays and making the express lane anything but. I mean, really, if you're arguing over a few cents on something that costs $2.95, maybe you should look into buying generic or try playing Russian roulette with an automatic.
Excessive Coupon Person: Ok, I will concede that not everyone in the world is well off and sometimes coupons are an important facet of survival. I can certainly appreciate the need to eat and save money at the same time. However, what I can't appreciate is the fact that you're using 75 coupons for 76 items. In fact, by making purchasing decisions based solely on available coupons, you're likely spending more money purchasing useless items than you normally would if you simply went in and got what you wanted. Also, if you have to use coupons, please don't argue when the clerk doesn't accept one of them, especially if it's because it's expired or you didn't bother to read it. Saving $0.30 just isn't that important.
The Free Sample Lady: While it's true that, for the most part, grocery store employees stay out of your way, they are not entirely immune to providing an annoyance. Enter the free sample lady. Her entire purpose is to sit inconveniently at the end of an important aisle, cooking up whatever some company paid the store to pimp out, and trying to engage every single passerby in conversation about said food. Not only does this block the free flow of aisle traffic, thus impeding the speed shopper from moving on to a different destination, but it may as well be a loud speaker saying "Come gather here, ye retarded shopper" for they inevitably do. Sorry, but if I wanted to strike up a conversation about tiny shrimp or small chunks of a smelly meat product, I'd start talking about my crotch.
The Taste Testee: The taste testee is the by-product of the Free Sample lady. These are the idiots who make sure they scour the store and make sure that they hit each and every one of the free food stations, sometimes opting to spend upwards of ten minutes or more discussing the virtues of said free food. I've had the misfortune of talking to people who specifically don't eat before going shopping so that they can have more free food. The worst among these offenders drag their families along, often asking for seconds whilst promising the clerk that they do intend on purchasing a box of the offered food. They won't, however.
Creepy Guy Behind The Seafood Counter: I'll admit to not being much of a seafood fan and, thus, have never purchased any seafood related items while grocery shopping, but that certainly doesn't stop the creepy guy behind the seafood counter from trying to talk to me every single time I pass by. I don't know, maybe the supermarket seafood business isn't as booming as it used to be or perhaps he's just lonely, but if I'm across the aisle buying some orange juice, I really don't need you asking me how my day is going and if I am finding everything ok. Go back to cutting crab or whatever it is you do back there, seafood man.
The Feel Guilty About Not Giving To Charity Person: Lastly, should you manage to make it out of the store without an aggrivated assault charge levied against you, you're still not free and clear. The age-old trend of asking for money after you've already spent a bunch has found a permanent home outside of the supermarket. Girl scouts, boy scouts, breast cancer, retards... nothing is too sacred to stop people from demanding money from you. I just survived the seven layers of hell (layer count is approximate) and now I have to deal with the added guilt of not helping a retarded kid get a new baseball glove. Christ, bring back "Save The Whales" and maybe I'll reconsider donating.
It's quite unfortunate that, even having written all of this, it's by no means a complete listing. It seems that every year, the supermarket continues to attact more and more people who find new ways to bother and annoy the common shopper. And, really, they have us buy the collective balls. I mean, regardless of how annoying the place winds up being, we're still going to go. We all need food and, as far as I know, the grocery store is the only place to purchase it. That is, of course, unless you live on a diet consisting only of oranges, in which case you can simply purchase them from any number of Mexicans along any freeway in LA. Hmm, I wonder if I could survive on just oranges...
You see, the last time we got together and talked, it was a more innocent time in America and the milk in my fridge had yet to spoil. We sat around a campfire made atop a semi-concious homeless person, held hands, and talked about the wonders of buying new stuff. During that talk, I cited a number of horrible examples where retail shopping had gone wrong. As a point-counterpoint, I also cited the supermarket as a simple place to go where all your retail worries fade away amongst aisles stocked with birth control or cereal, depending on where you are in the store. In that simplistic description, it is I who misled you into thinking that the average grocery store was a safe haven for the idiocies of the war on retail. This is, unfortunately, not so.
While it remains somewhat true that food shopping is, for the most part, a simple experience, it is definitely not without it's flaws and headaches. Even without the encumbrance of annoying salesmen fighting over you for a tiny commission, the supermarket still contains a vast list of enemies that are hellbent on frustrating you at every squeaky-wheeled turn. Since I sort of care about each and every one of you, today's update is dedicated to shedding light on these worrisome intruders.
The Inconsiderate Cart Person: Grocery stores are pretty simple places and it's a sure bet that everyone in a grocery store has used it at least one other time in their life. It's not like these are new inventions that people from the 1950's have a hard time adapting to. That's what makes the inconsiderate cart person so frustrating. These are people who wander around the store aisles completely oblivious to anyone but themselves, parking their carts smack in the middle of the aisle while their eyes slothfully scan every single item on the shelves, effectively blocking any all traffic up or down that aisle. A loud cough or an "excuse me" tends to grab their attention, at which point they seemed astonished that you would have the audacity to, I don't know, want to pass them for some reason. God forbid that you should be in a hurry or want to get out of the supermarket before your social security kicks in.
The Price Haggler: Grocery stores are not flea markets or auction houses. In general, the price you see marked on the shelf is the price you're going to be rung up at. If you don't like those terms, perhaps you shouldn't be food shopping. Still, it never fails that there is one person who will try and haggle with the clerk whenever they think that an item is overpriced. "No, that's not what the shelf said. I'm not paying that price." Invariably, the clerk is powerless to do much other than explain that that is what the item rang up as and ask for a price check, causing exorbitant delays and making the express lane anything but. I mean, really, if you're arguing over a few cents on something that costs $2.95, maybe you should look into buying generic or try playing Russian roulette with an automatic.
Excessive Coupon Person: Ok, I will concede that not everyone in the world is well off and sometimes coupons are an important facet of survival. I can certainly appreciate the need to eat and save money at the same time. However, what I can't appreciate is the fact that you're using 75 coupons for 76 items. In fact, by making purchasing decisions based solely on available coupons, you're likely spending more money purchasing useless items than you normally would if you simply went in and got what you wanted. Also, if you have to use coupons, please don't argue when the clerk doesn't accept one of them, especially if it's because it's expired or you didn't bother to read it. Saving $0.30 just isn't that important.
The Free Sample Lady: While it's true that, for the most part, grocery store employees stay out of your way, they are not entirely immune to providing an annoyance. Enter the free sample lady. Her entire purpose is to sit inconveniently at the end of an important aisle, cooking up whatever some company paid the store to pimp out, and trying to engage every single passerby in conversation about said food. Not only does this block the free flow of aisle traffic, thus impeding the speed shopper from moving on to a different destination, but it may as well be a loud speaker saying "Come gather here, ye retarded shopper" for they inevitably do. Sorry, but if I wanted to strike up a conversation about tiny shrimp or small chunks of a smelly meat product, I'd start talking about my crotch.
The Taste Testee: The taste testee is the by-product of the Free Sample lady. These are the idiots who make sure they scour the store and make sure that they hit each and every one of the free food stations, sometimes opting to spend upwards of ten minutes or more discussing the virtues of said free food. I've had the misfortune of talking to people who specifically don't eat before going shopping so that they can have more free food. The worst among these offenders drag their families along, often asking for seconds whilst promising the clerk that they do intend on purchasing a box of the offered food. They won't, however.
Creepy Guy Behind The Seafood Counter: I'll admit to not being much of a seafood fan and, thus, have never purchased any seafood related items while grocery shopping, but that certainly doesn't stop the creepy guy behind the seafood counter from trying to talk to me every single time I pass by. I don't know, maybe the supermarket seafood business isn't as booming as it used to be or perhaps he's just lonely, but if I'm across the aisle buying some orange juice, I really don't need you asking me how my day is going and if I am finding everything ok. Go back to cutting crab or whatever it is you do back there, seafood man.
The Feel Guilty About Not Giving To Charity Person: Lastly, should you manage to make it out of the store without an aggrivated assault charge levied against you, you're still not free and clear. The age-old trend of asking for money after you've already spent a bunch has found a permanent home outside of the supermarket. Girl scouts, boy scouts, breast cancer, retards... nothing is too sacred to stop people from demanding money from you. I just survived the seven layers of hell (layer count is approximate) and now I have to deal with the added guilt of not helping a retarded kid get a new baseball glove. Christ, bring back "Save The Whales" and maybe I'll reconsider donating.
It's quite unfortunate that, even having written all of this, it's by no means a complete listing. It seems that every year, the supermarket continues to attact more and more people who find new ways to bother and annoy the common shopper. And, really, they have us buy the collective balls. I mean, regardless of how annoying the place winds up being, we're still going to go. We all need food and, as far as I know, the grocery store is the only place to purchase it. That is, of course, unless you live on a diet consisting only of oranges, in which case you can simply purchase them from any number of Mexicans along any freeway in LA. Hmm, I wonder if I could survive on just oranges...