Ho, ho, ho, Merry Halloween! In the interest of starting out this article with total honesty, something that I strive to do religiously except for the times that I don't, let me say that being a reporter/journalist
kind of sucks. Sure, you get to be on the front lines of all kinds of major events and get invited to cover all kinds of celebrity get-togethers,
hobnobbing it up with the stars and selling Tara Reid and Kate Moss baking powder instead of cocaine as a joke, but you're forced to spend your whole time reporting instead of participating and enjoying. Frankly, I've had enough of this and it's time that I put my foot down. You see, pretty much everybody here in the P.Net offices loves a good
holiday and I'll be damned if I am going to cover Halloween from the sidelines yet again this year. Notice how I put that "damned" reference in there? Damned? Halloween? Man, I work on so many levels
I should be a window washer.
Due to our hectic work schedules, it's a pretty common occurance for us to have to miss out on any given holiday but it seems that Halloween in particular always seems to get the midget end of the stick. Sure, we've covered topics like football, Christmas, religion, and clowns who abuse drugs and yet Halloween has constantly given us the slip. At this time last year, I think that we opted to cover the war in Iraq and how poorly it was going while the year prior to that we, well, were probably still covering the war in Iraq and how poorly it was going. But enough is enough I say. This year, things were going to be different. This year, we'd stop work and enjoy the festivities. This year, we'd dress up and pass out candy to those who asked nicely enough. This year, the office pages would send US drunken instant messages. This year, the P.Net office was actually going to have a Halloween party.
I tasked Skip with getting on the horn and putting the word out. I also told him that he could use the phone too, since I didn't particularly care to hear him yelling into a horn all day long. I sent Rad Tad on a beer run in the hopes that he'd get lost and not make it back, partly because no one around here really likes him and partly because he's the kind of guy who always thinks he's clever and dresses up in some cheap novelty costume like a slice of pizza or Jesus. He then proceeds to talk your ear off about how cool his costume is and if you don't provide affirmative grunts or nods at the appropriate times during his speech, he starts the whole thing over again. I unchained Art Dodger from the basement and told him to get on with decorating the place, preferably spooky and preferably not in pink. Myself? I figured I had done enough work for one minute and took a three hour siesta.
Upon waking, I was informed by Skip that all of the regulars agreed to drop by and that Rad Tad had, thankfully, not yet returned. We removed the false wall that hid all of our top shelf alcohol and began chugging 151 and absinth cocktails. Art had done the place up nicely though, bless his heart, he was blissfully unaware that kidnapping homeless people and using them as decoration was anything short of completely legal. I averted disaster by promising each of them one cracker if they moaned every now and again and played dead. Being an employer does have it's benefits. The doorbell rang a few times and, hoping that it was guests arriving for the party, was disappointed to find out that it was merely some neighborhood rugrats demanding candy. I told them that I didn't have any candy and that they should go away. They began to get irate and raised their voices at me to a level that was way more than was appropriate for the situation. I took stock and bashed the one who I deemed leader of the group over the head with a large rock. After they scattered, I tried to avoid any such future confrontations and simply handed out adult magazines and beer to whoever knocked on the door.
The first actual guest to arrive was none other than The Headless Horseman, who apparently had opted to dress up as some kind of music artist due to the faded jeans and "No Sleep 'Till Hollow!" t-shirt he was wearing. He's mostly quiet and unassuming, especially since he doesn't have a head and thus isn't the world's greatest conversationalist. I generally throw him in the direction of Rad Tad and they simply occupy each other all night. Rad Tad wasn't here so I simply did my best to ignore him. Eventually, other scary guests began to trickle in such as Dracula, Wolfman, Mummy, Generic Skeleton, and Paris Hilton. Of course, it was BYOB so the alcohol began to really stack up. Someone brought a case of St. Pauli Girl, which was by far the scariest thing that I had seen up until this point. Also, I think Dracula drank Paris Hilton's dog.
From here on, lots of things happened that I don't really remember, possibly because of the alcohol or possibly because all the paint fumes that I just inhaled made me dizzy and I blacked out. Either way, from what I can piece together, at some point I lost a shoe, wolfman pooped on the carpet, Elvira showed up and was taken advantage of after Mummy loaded her up with roofies, Paris Hilton turned into a pumpkin at midnight, and Dracula got all kinds of wasted and kept trying to draw blood from Headless Horseman's non-existant neck. Rad Tad never made it home, Art enjoyed his time away from being chained to the radiator, and Skip pretty much absolved himself from any responsibility by playing dead the entire night.
All in all, I would have to say that the first annual P.Net Halloween office party was quite the success. Of course, I base this conclusion on nothing factual since I wouldn't know how to throw a good Halloween party if it were shaped like a frisbee and came with instructions on how to properly throw a disc-shaped object, but it's all about how I really feel inside. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make the interns clean up the office while I get back to doing whatever it is that I do.
Due to our hectic work schedules, it's a pretty common occurance for us to have to miss out on any given holiday but it seems that Halloween in particular always seems to get the midget end of the stick. Sure, we've covered topics like football, Christmas, religion, and clowns who abuse drugs and yet Halloween has constantly given us the slip. At this time last year, I think that we opted to cover the war in Iraq and how poorly it was going while the year prior to that we, well, were probably still covering the war in Iraq and how poorly it was going. But enough is enough I say. This year, things were going to be different. This year, we'd stop work and enjoy the festivities. This year, we'd dress up and pass out candy to those who asked nicely enough. This year, the office pages would send US drunken instant messages. This year, the P.Net office was actually going to have a Halloween party.
I tasked Skip with getting on the horn and putting the word out. I also told him that he could use the phone too, since I didn't particularly care to hear him yelling into a horn all day long. I sent Rad Tad on a beer run in the hopes that he'd get lost and not make it back, partly because no one around here really likes him and partly because he's the kind of guy who always thinks he's clever and dresses up in some cheap novelty costume like a slice of pizza or Jesus. He then proceeds to talk your ear off about how cool his costume is and if you don't provide affirmative grunts or nods at the appropriate times during his speech, he starts the whole thing over again. I unchained Art Dodger from the basement and told him to get on with decorating the place, preferably spooky and preferably not in pink. Myself? I figured I had done enough work for one minute and took a three hour siesta.
Upon waking, I was informed by Skip that all of the regulars agreed to drop by and that Rad Tad had, thankfully, not yet returned. We removed the false wall that hid all of our top shelf alcohol and began chugging 151 and absinth cocktails. Art had done the place up nicely though, bless his heart, he was blissfully unaware that kidnapping homeless people and using them as decoration was anything short of completely legal. I averted disaster by promising each of them one cracker if they moaned every now and again and played dead. Being an employer does have it's benefits. The doorbell rang a few times and, hoping that it was guests arriving for the party, was disappointed to find out that it was merely some neighborhood rugrats demanding candy. I told them that I didn't have any candy and that they should go away. They began to get irate and raised their voices at me to a level that was way more than was appropriate for the situation. I took stock and bashed the one who I deemed leader of the group over the head with a large rock. After they scattered, I tried to avoid any such future confrontations and simply handed out adult magazines and beer to whoever knocked on the door.
The first actual guest to arrive was none other than The Headless Horseman, who apparently had opted to dress up as some kind of music artist due to the faded jeans and "No Sleep 'Till Hollow!" t-shirt he was wearing. He's mostly quiet and unassuming, especially since he doesn't have a head and thus isn't the world's greatest conversationalist. I generally throw him in the direction of Rad Tad and they simply occupy each other all night. Rad Tad wasn't here so I simply did my best to ignore him. Eventually, other scary guests began to trickle in such as Dracula, Wolfman, Mummy, Generic Skeleton, and Paris Hilton. Of course, it was BYOB so the alcohol began to really stack up. Someone brought a case of St. Pauli Girl, which was by far the scariest thing that I had seen up until this point. Also, I think Dracula drank Paris Hilton's dog.
From here on, lots of things happened that I don't really remember, possibly because of the alcohol or possibly because all the paint fumes that I just inhaled made me dizzy and I blacked out. Either way, from what I can piece together, at some point I lost a shoe, wolfman pooped on the carpet, Elvira showed up and was taken advantage of after Mummy loaded her up with roofies, Paris Hilton turned into a pumpkin at midnight, and Dracula got all kinds of wasted and kept trying to draw blood from Headless Horseman's non-existant neck. Rad Tad never made it home, Art enjoyed his time away from being chained to the radiator, and Skip pretty much absolved himself from any responsibility by playing dead the entire night.
All in all, I would have to say that the first annual P.Net Halloween office party was quite the success. Of course, I base this conclusion on nothing factual since I wouldn't know how to throw a good Halloween party if it were shaped like a frisbee and came with instructions on how to properly throw a disc-shaped object, but it's all about how I really feel inside. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make the interns clean up the office while I get back to doing whatever it is that I do.
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