Given that today marks the official start of the NFL football season -- and by "football" I mean American football as opposed to that sissy "football" sport played by the rest of the world that is really only enjoyed by
Communists and people with disabilities -- one would think that it would only be appropriate for me to do some kind of sports write-up or perhaps provide a preview of what the season holds. Since I know that most of my audience is comprised of girls and men who would be girls if they had enough money for the operation, such a preview would benefit you immensely
since you're far too cowardly to actually sit down and watch sports yourself. So while the theory is sound, the reason that I am not sitting here writing an update about football is this: I kind of sort of
did that around this time last year. You see, that's the problem with running a one-man operation, even one as great as mine. You can only write about the same events and holidays year after year before you've simply exhausted all available avenues.
So, if I am not spending our precious moments together this afternoon by rambling on about my awesome knowledge of football -- though don't start counting your blessings yet for the season has a long way to go -- what on earth could I possibly be writing about? Why, how much I hate the internet, of course. Ok, maybe not the internet itself per se but a number of items that can be found on the internet. While I am all for the freedom and innovation that the internet provides the common layperson, most common laypeople simply aren't equipped with making rational decisions when it comes to knowing what to do with that freedom. Listed below in no particular order are some of the things that the internet has done to make me cry.
Skippy (http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandid=146338)
--
Say what you will about rap music, whether you're a fan and you simply detest where the industry is headed or you like country music and really can't stand black people, it doesn't take much to admit that there are a few genuinely talented people in the industry. Skippy is not one of these people. For all the white people who complain about rap music being dominated by minorities, Skippy makes a very strong case for why this is so. Apparently on the day that they were handing out talent in school, Skippy was MIA, opting instead to bash his head against a brick wall until he was delusional. Avoiding such standard rap cliches such as playing the stock market and yachting, Skippy opts to veer off the beaten path and spend his time rapping about getting high, capping mofo's, and his Uncle David. Skippy's style is best described as "Stephen Hawking, if he could talk, with the fluidity of rapping while having a Michael J. Fox-size seizure." That is to say that he fumbles over his words a lot. The fact that Skippy has a few songs that feature other artists is yet another knock against humanity. While it's bad enough that Skippy thinks that his own songs are great, the fact that he's doing collaborations means that there are additional people out there who feel similarly. Oh Skippy, with your wacky rap antics, when do you ever have time for your homework?
The Nibiruan Council (http://www.nibiruancouncil.com)
--
Religious nutjobs are a dime a dozen these days but it takes a certain kind of nutjob to be a zealot about a religion that they just made up. Actually, I can't even be entirely sure that "The Nibiruan Council" has anything to do with religion but it's far too wacky to be much of anything else. I had originally planned an entire update dedicated to me mocking these people but I just haven't found the time yet. Besides, I think they do a fair job all by themselves. To read their page is like reading from a Star Trek short story that was written by a retarded fifth grader inflicted with fetal alcohol syndrome. Apparently there is some sort of Galactic Federation of Worlds and this council is somehow part of it. Oh, and they chose Kansas City, MO as their field office because, as far as I can tell, there no place more galactic than good ol' KC. You should take some time out of your busy day and check around the site. Honestly, they've come up with shit that is way more clever than anything I could hope to acheive in a million years. Also, once you're done browsing around, be sure to stop by their online store where you can purchase all matter of Nibiruan good and services. Especially noteworthy are the DVDs, which look like a high school play without the talent and direction, and the suppliments section, which basically looks like they are trying to sell you a lot of laxatives and liver stone softeners. Apparently, being regular is the first step to being a good Nibiruan! Jumpstart your DNA Recoding today!
What About Bones? (http://community-2.webtv.net/Wanda48/WhatAboutBones)
--
Ok, if the previous website wasn't religious in nature, this one certainly is. I don't know how much LSD this guy took before he decided that he was going to drop whatever meaningless day job he had and become a webmaster but it was worth it. Plus he hosted it on webtv.net, which means he really knows what he is doing. Anyway, "What About Bones?" is a website that chronicles the adventure of Bones, a redbone coonhound, how he found Jesus, and what all he has done for him. I'm pretty sure that Bones is the same kind of dog that was in "Where The Red Fern Grows" but those dogs didn't find Jesus which is why the novel was relegated to nothing beyond Jr. High School required reading. Follow along with the pictures and Bones and his human idiot counterpart do a bunch of stuff that is interspersed with quotes from the bible. (I believe that Asians call it "Scripture".) There is also a cute picture of Bones wearing a shirt and glasses but that's about all I really got out of the website. If someone reads it, could they please let me know what happened? It's driving me nuts!
sAndmAnz universe (http://maxpages.com/sandman420)
--
I don't know, there's just something about this site. Is it the hugely annoying and repetitive flaming line background? Is it the plethora of animated .gifs that most internet users gave up on a long time ago? No, it must be because "this pAge is your source for wrestling, music, and other kick-Ass stuff." Yep, that must be it. Did you hear that sound? That was my soul exploding. Having seen this, I am empty now for I know that life can offer me nothing that shall eclipse this moment. I love you, sAndmAn.
Given the sheer amount of information on the internet and how completely absurd most of it is, I have no doubt that I will be back soon with another installment of why the internet made me cry. You keep on, fair internet, you keep doing your thing. I shan't judge you for the content you hold because I know that you're gorgeous on the inside, kind of like that one time that I saw a fat person swallow a supermodel. Priceless.
So, if I am not spending our precious moments together this afternoon by rambling on about my awesome knowledge of football -- though don't start counting your blessings yet for the season has a long way to go -- what on earth could I possibly be writing about? Why, how much I hate the internet, of course. Ok, maybe not the internet itself per se but a number of items that can be found on the internet. While I am all for the freedom and innovation that the internet provides the common layperson, most common laypeople simply aren't equipped with making rational decisions when it comes to knowing what to do with that freedom. Listed below in no particular order are some of the things that the internet has done to make me cry.
Skippy (http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandid=146338)
--
Say what you will about rap music, whether you're a fan and you simply detest where the industry is headed or you like country music and really can't stand black people, it doesn't take much to admit that there are a few genuinely talented people in the industry. Skippy is not one of these people. For all the white people who complain about rap music being dominated by minorities, Skippy makes a very strong case for why this is so. Apparently on the day that they were handing out talent in school, Skippy was MIA, opting instead to bash his head against a brick wall until he was delusional. Avoiding such standard rap cliches such as playing the stock market and yachting, Skippy opts to veer off the beaten path and spend his time rapping about getting high, capping mofo's, and his Uncle David. Skippy's style is best described as "Stephen Hawking, if he could talk, with the fluidity of rapping while having a Michael J. Fox-size seizure." That is to say that he fumbles over his words a lot. The fact that Skippy has a few songs that feature other artists is yet another knock against humanity. While it's bad enough that Skippy thinks that his own songs are great, the fact that he's doing collaborations means that there are additional people out there who feel similarly. Oh Skippy, with your wacky rap antics, when do you ever have time for your homework?
The Nibiruan Council (http://www.nibiruancouncil.com)
--
Religious nutjobs are a dime a dozen these days but it takes a certain kind of nutjob to be a zealot about a religion that they just made up. Actually, I can't even be entirely sure that "The Nibiruan Council" has anything to do with religion but it's far too wacky to be much of anything else. I had originally planned an entire update dedicated to me mocking these people but I just haven't found the time yet. Besides, I think they do a fair job all by themselves. To read their page is like reading from a Star Trek short story that was written by a retarded fifth grader inflicted with fetal alcohol syndrome. Apparently there is some sort of Galactic Federation of Worlds and this council is somehow part of it. Oh, and they chose Kansas City, MO as their field office because, as far as I can tell, there no place more galactic than good ol' KC. You should take some time out of your busy day and check around the site. Honestly, they've come up with shit that is way more clever than anything I could hope to acheive in a million years. Also, once you're done browsing around, be sure to stop by their online store where you can purchase all matter of Nibiruan good and services. Especially noteworthy are the DVDs, which look like a high school play without the talent and direction, and the suppliments section, which basically looks like they are trying to sell you a lot of laxatives and liver stone softeners. Apparently, being regular is the first step to being a good Nibiruan! Jumpstart your DNA Recoding today!
What About Bones? (http://community-2.webtv.net/Wanda48/WhatAboutBones)
--
Ok, if the previous website wasn't religious in nature, this one certainly is. I don't know how much LSD this guy took before he decided that he was going to drop whatever meaningless day job he had and become a webmaster but it was worth it. Plus he hosted it on webtv.net, which means he really knows what he is doing. Anyway, "What About Bones?" is a website that chronicles the adventure of Bones, a redbone coonhound, how he found Jesus, and what all he has done for him. I'm pretty sure that Bones is the same kind of dog that was in "Where The Red Fern Grows" but those dogs didn't find Jesus which is why the novel was relegated to nothing beyond Jr. High School required reading. Follow along with the pictures and Bones and his human idiot counterpart do a bunch of stuff that is interspersed with quotes from the bible. (I believe that Asians call it "Scripture".) There is also a cute picture of Bones wearing a shirt and glasses but that's about all I really got out of the website. If someone reads it, could they please let me know what happened? It's driving me nuts!
sAndmAnz universe (http://maxpages.com/sandman420)
--
I don't know, there's just something about this site. Is it the hugely annoying and repetitive flaming line background? Is it the plethora of animated .gifs that most internet users gave up on a long time ago? No, it must be because "this pAge is your source for wrestling, music, and other kick-Ass stuff." Yep, that must be it. Did you hear that sound? That was my soul exploding. Having seen this, I am empty now for I know that life can offer me nothing that shall eclipse this moment. I love you, sAndmAn.
Given the sheer amount of information on the internet and how completely absurd most of it is, I have no doubt that I will be back soon with another installment of why the internet made me cry. You keep on, fair internet, you keep doing your thing. I shan't judge you for the content you hold because I know that you're gorgeous on the inside, kind of like that one time that I saw a fat person swallow a supermodel. Priceless.