Guy: Hello and welcome, news fans, to yet another edition of the PNC Nightly News. I'm your lead anchor Guy Parsons and to my left is my wonderous sidekick Herb Weathers.
Herb: Co-anchor.
Guy: What?
Herb: Co-anchor. I've told you a million times that I'm not your sidekick. The term is co-anchor.
Guy: Are you seriously bitching at me about this now? While we are on the air?
Herb: You know, I've just let it slide for so long. I'm tired of it.
Guy: Whatever. Stop being a sissy. Anyway, my apologies, folks. As I just got done saying, welcome to the nightly news. Guy Parsons and "douchebag" Herb Weathers here.
Herb: Oh, for crying out--
Guy: Our top story tonight is... haha, no I'm kidding. We don't have a top story. You see, we value each and every story that we do here in the PNC newsroom and we don't feel the need to place them in some kind of numerical order. Besides, with affirmative action and all, even if we had a top story and it involved a white man, I'm quite sure some lesser story involving a minority would wind up taking it's place anyway.
Herb: That's mighty racist of you, Guy.
Guy: Herb, when there are only two people in a room, who is really the minority?
Herb: I--
Guy: The woman! Haha. Hey, everyone, look at me! I'm Mel Gibson and I am making anti-Semitic comments because I am so loaded!
Herb: Guy, I'm not sure that's an entirely appropriate thing to be joking about.
Guy: Herb, look at me. In the eyes. Yeah, focus. l Ok, when you get your own news show, which you'd probably call something stupid like the "Herb Weathers Power Hour," then you can start dictating what is and isn't appropriate. Until then, just sit there and look pretty. Now, can I get back to my newscast or do you have something else to add?
Herb: *sigh* No, go ahead.
Guy: Finally! Moving along with the broadcast -- haha, I said "broad" -- it looks like crazy Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens is back in the news spouting his "internet as tubes" theory again.
Herb: Really?
Guy: Actually, no, but the story itself is simply so absurd that I felt worth it was worth repeating. I mean, the man is an idiot.
Herb: That's a little harsh, don't you think? I mean, just because he doesn't quite grasp technology doesn't make him an idiot.
Guy: Actually it does. It also makes your wife a slut for various, unrelated reasons, none of which revolve around the fact that I have been sleeping with her for three years.
Herb: That's not a very funny joke, Guy.
Guy: It's not a joke at all, Herb! The only joke here is your marriage vows! Haha.
Herb: In more serious, REAL news, famed soprano Elisabeth Schwarzkopf died earlier today at her home in Austria.
Guy: Yeah, I was in shock until I realized that they weren't talking about the television show. Apparently she is just some dumb broad who sang in the opera.
Herb: And she was very important to a lot of people, Guy. I really wish you weren't such an insensitive prick.
Guy: Hey Herb, gay pride week was last week, chump. Go get all touchy-feely with your emotions elsewhere!
Herb: Christ Guy, can't you even attempt to be civil?
Guy: Moving on to sports now. For whatever reason, it would seem that the baseball season continues to progress for reasons beyond my comprehension. I think people are also still playing golf but we don't have any of the scores for that since no one really watches it.
Herb: I watch golf.
Guy: Exactly. Now, dyke hunting, that's a real sport.
Herb: That's horrible!
Guy: Christ, what are you, some kind of communist? Here, take this.
Herb: But it's a wet t-shirt? What am I supposed to do with a wet t-shirt?
Guy: Put it on and go enter a contest, you wuss. Hell if I know what you're supposed to do with it. Stop asking so many damn questions.
Herb: You make me want to cry.
Guy: And you make me want to jab a rusty screwdriver into the part of my brain that helps me understand you whenever you speak. In what can only be described as a "shocking revelation" and a "wonderful but obvious use for science and medicine," researchers revealed today that the heavy among our society are more likely to collapse during a heatwave than skinny folks. Well, duh.
Herb: Honestly, Guy, can you at least try and tone it down?
Guy: Herb, you know what? I've had it with you. I don't want to do this stupid show anymore if all you're going to do is sit here and bitch at every little thing I say. It's like we're in pre-school again.
Herb: But you used to wet yourself in pre-school.
Guy: Hell, I just wet myself right now!
Herb: Amazing.
Guy: So, in summary of all the other horrible news that we couldn't find time to air today because of SOMEONE's constant whining, let me just sum it all up. New Orleans still sucks, there's a lot of trouble and unrest in the Middle East, Lance Bass is gay, and I really hate meatloaf. Join us again tomorrow when we may or may not get around to actually covering any type of important news and my sidekick shows off his softer side by revealing that he does, in fact, wear lace panties.
Herb: Co-anchor.
Guy: Whatever. See you tomorrow!
Herb: Co-anchor.
Guy: What?
Herb: Co-anchor. I've told you a million times that I'm not your sidekick. The term is co-anchor.
Guy: Are you seriously bitching at me about this now? While we are on the air?
Herb: You know, I've just let it slide for so long. I'm tired of it.
Guy: Whatever. Stop being a sissy. Anyway, my apologies, folks. As I just got done saying, welcome to the nightly news. Guy Parsons and "douchebag" Herb Weathers here.
Herb: Oh, for crying out--
Guy: Our top story tonight is... haha, no I'm kidding. We don't have a top story. You see, we value each and every story that we do here in the PNC newsroom and we don't feel the need to place them in some kind of numerical order. Besides, with affirmative action and all, even if we had a top story and it involved a white man, I'm quite sure some lesser story involving a minority would wind up taking it's place anyway.
Herb: That's mighty racist of you, Guy.
Guy: Herb, when there are only two people in a room, who is really the minority?
Herb: I--
Guy: The woman! Haha. Hey, everyone, look at me! I'm Mel Gibson and I am making anti-Semitic comments because I am so loaded!
Herb: Guy, I'm not sure that's an entirely appropriate thing to be joking about.
Guy: Herb, look at me. In the eyes. Yeah, focus. l Ok, when you get your own news show, which you'd probably call something stupid like the "Herb Weathers Power Hour," then you can start dictating what is and isn't appropriate. Until then, just sit there and look pretty. Now, can I get back to my newscast or do you have something else to add?
Herb: *sigh* No, go ahead.
Guy: Finally! Moving along with the broadcast -- haha, I said "broad" -- it looks like crazy Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens is back in the news spouting his "internet as tubes" theory again.
Herb: Really?
Guy: Actually, no, but the story itself is simply so absurd that I felt worth it was worth repeating. I mean, the man is an idiot.
Herb: That's a little harsh, don't you think? I mean, just because he doesn't quite grasp technology doesn't make him an idiot.
Guy: Actually it does. It also makes your wife a slut for various, unrelated reasons, none of which revolve around the fact that I have been sleeping with her for three years.
Herb: That's not a very funny joke, Guy.
Guy: It's not a joke at all, Herb! The only joke here is your marriage vows! Haha.
Herb: In more serious, REAL news, famed soprano Elisabeth Schwarzkopf died earlier today at her home in Austria.
Guy: Yeah, I was in shock until I realized that they weren't talking about the television show. Apparently she is just some dumb broad who sang in the opera.
Herb: And she was very important to a lot of people, Guy. I really wish you weren't such an insensitive prick.
Guy: Hey Herb, gay pride week was last week, chump. Go get all touchy-feely with your emotions elsewhere!
Herb: Christ Guy, can't you even attempt to be civil?
Guy: Moving on to sports now. For whatever reason, it would seem that the baseball season continues to progress for reasons beyond my comprehension. I think people are also still playing golf but we don't have any of the scores for that since no one really watches it.
Herb: I watch golf.
Guy: Exactly. Now, dyke hunting, that's a real sport.
Herb: That's horrible!
Guy: Christ, what are you, some kind of communist? Here, take this.
Herb: But it's a wet t-shirt? What am I supposed to do with a wet t-shirt?
Guy: Put it on and go enter a contest, you wuss. Hell if I know what you're supposed to do with it. Stop asking so many damn questions.
Herb: You make me want to cry.
Guy: And you make me want to jab a rusty screwdriver into the part of my brain that helps me understand you whenever you speak. In what can only be described as a "shocking revelation" and a "wonderful but obvious use for science and medicine," researchers revealed today that the heavy among our society are more likely to collapse during a heatwave than skinny folks. Well, duh.
Herb: Honestly, Guy, can you at least try and tone it down?
Guy: Herb, you know what? I've had it with you. I don't want to do this stupid show anymore if all you're going to do is sit here and bitch at every little thing I say. It's like we're in pre-school again.
Herb: But you used to wet yourself in pre-school.
Guy: Hell, I just wet myself right now!
Herb: Amazing.
Guy: So, in summary of all the other horrible news that we couldn't find time to air today because of SOMEONE's constant whining, let me just sum it all up. New Orleans still sucks, there's a lot of trouble and unrest in the Middle East, Lance Bass is gay, and I really hate meatloaf. Join us again tomorrow when we may or may not get around to actually covering any type of important news and my sidekick shows off his softer side by revealing that he does, in fact, wear lace panties.
Herb: Co-anchor.
Guy: Whatever. See you tomorrow!