If you really sit down and think about it, life isn't all that fair to most people. As babies, we are thrust into this world with no clothes, no brains, and absolutely no knowledge of what to do next. We're not given any kind of instructions or directions as to how we proceed or what lies ahead. A lot of people simply adopt a motto of "learn through experience" but that's just a load of crap that Scientologists use to sell more copies of Dianetics and has absolutely no basis in reality.
The truth is that a lot of us in the world today could benefit from some kind of life instruction manual, a guide to helping the more socially inept amongst us to better prosper through a wide variety of situations which they will likely encounter at some point before they die. Whether you'd like to believe it or not, you are one of those people. You, the future Darwin award winner, are quite likely to fail at life without my help and this is where I step in. I'm not asking for money or personal glory -- I already have both of those. Rather, I am simply asking you to better yourself which will, in turn, better my life experience because I will no longer have to deal with the person that you used to be. You, the person will wait up to ten minutes for someone to drive away so that you can take their parking spot. You, the person who just ordered a super-sized extra value meal but opted to get a diet coke because you're watching your weight. Fret not because all of that is about to change. Allow me to present to you this simple guide; a mental journey detailing how to handle life situations properly and not screw everything up like you're prone to do.
The Official P.Net Guidebook To Societal Interaction
My uncle was always fond of telling me what he considered to be the golden rule of life: don't worry about the stuffing in the teddy bear. I have no idea what that meant or why he considered it a golden rule, but my uncle was also crazy so I suppose that may have something to do with it. On more than one occasion, I would come home early to find him in the living room, painted like a zebra, masturbating furiously to pictures of owls and other woodland creatures. What does all of this have to do with you? Nothing... yet.
You see, it's people like my uncle that made me realize just how screwed up the world is and how most people simply don't grasp that they have no clue how to live life. Me? I've been living life for twenty-seven years so I think that I am more than a little qualified to talk about the subject. I have been all over the world, from Japan to Amsterdam; I have seen Governments toppled and even overthrown a few princely regimes myself. You simply haven't lived until you've been a part of a coup. But look at me, I'm getting all off track.
The thing about life is that everyone just assumes that you know what you're doing. There is no rulebook to life, no DMV-like driving test to question whether you really know what is going on. No, life is all about these unspoken rules that everyone has and you're just supposed to magically figure them out. Well, how are you going to figure them out if no one tells you? I am going to go out on a limb here and break the silence that we've all been hoarding. Me, as an expert in all matters of life and the silly situations contained within, throughout the course of this guide, will be walking you through various real-life scenarios in an effort to help train you to be a better person. I do this because I care, not necessarily about you but I'm pretty sure that I care about something.
Each scenario that I present will have a scenario outline followed by an "unacceptable" response, an "acceptable" response, and an "alternatively acceptable" response. Life is all about choice and I am here to make sure you do the right one so that you don't further piss me off and send me into 'roid rage whereby I begin to beat you about the head with whatever tool is readily available. By following what is outlined in these easy-to-read but entirely common everyday scenarios, you're be more than ready to become a productive member of soceity.
Scenario One:
Outline: For whatever reason (and through no small amount of luck), you finally manage to bag a date with the opposite sex. Things are going surprisingly well so far, largely because she hasn't noticed that you have problems chewing your food and that you drool uncontrollably. About mid-way through dinner, she lets it slip that she is totally into playing games.
Unacceptable response: Begin to excitedly exclaim that you love playing games as well and that you own every single video game console ever made. You talk in animated detail about your latest game purchase, Super Furry Fighter Ball Brothers for the Xbox920, and how you are about to find the Dragon Sword which will unlock the magic rope.
Acceptable response: Explain to her that you also like to play games and that your favorite one is called Astronaut. Place a plastic bag over her head and securely fasten it around her neck. Alternate between repeating "You're in space!" and making Star Trek sounds. Additionally, throwing her around the room at this point really helps sell the anti-gravity angle.
Alternate response: Quickly change the topic and begin discussing your extensive adult movie collection. Be sure to explicitly mention that one film where that one guy does that thing with the candle. It looks painful but you're strangely intrigued.
Outcome: She will walk away from dinner thinking that you are a man of culture and experience as opposed to some nerd who sits around and plays video games all day.
Scenario Two:
Outline: You are driving down the highway and notice a filthy and unkempt man standing on the side of the road. This man has his thumb sticking out and is carrying a sign that says "Delaware or bust."
Unacceptable response: Pass the man slowly and pull over to the side of the road. When the dirty hippie comes to your window, roll it down and politely explain to him that while you are not going anywhere near Delaware, you can take him to the next highway junction and perhaps he would have better luck finding a ride there. He gets in your car and you do exactly what you said you'd do.
Acceptable response: Same as above except when he comes to your window and asks if you're going to Delaware, tell him yes, despite the fact that you are going in the opposite direction. When he gets into your car, accidentally spill your scalding hot coffee on his lap and laugh at his pain. He'll stick with you at this point because he has nowhere else to go. Continue to verbally berate him and his heritage for the length of the trip. Drop him off whenever you get tired of his constant whining about being tied up and casually mention that you've just driven him 100 miles in the wrong direction. Laugh some more and then throw a rattlesnake at his face.
Alternate response: Ignore the hitchhiker. Accelerate in speed and be sure to clip him with your side mirror as you drive by to prove the point that you simply don't have time to be inconvenienced. Spraying dirt or mud in his face is added plus.
Outcome: He will realize how wrong he was for trying to interrupt whatever important errand you were on your way to running. In order to make amends, he will track you down and mow your lawn for free for the rest of his miserable life while you sip lemonade from your lawn chair and whip him occasionally when he isn't working hard enough.
Scenario Three:
Outline: You are attending a house party with some friends. This is quite the shindig and everyone who is anyone is there. You consider yourself lucky to be there and are trying to make the most of the experience. As you return to the kitchen to grab another Mike's Hard Lemonade. a group of people notice you as you come in and approach you, asking if you know where to score any drugs.
Unacceptable response: Proudly proclaim that drugs are evil and that you would never touch them in a million years. Also make mention that you come from a long line of law enforcement officials and that you are tempted to call the local sheriff and have the party shut down on the grounds of all the illicit activities that are going on. Ask each of the people in the group their full name and suggest that they look into getting treatment.
Acceptable response: Pull out that syringe of heroin that you keep around "just in case" and proudly display what you consider "the good shit." After the oohs and ahhs have died down, jam the rusty needle into your eyesocket and inject the heroin directly into your eyeball just to show them how hardcore you really are. Also, tell them that if they want to play, they have to pay. Actual payment is up to you but it could be monetary or perhaps you might be able to shag someone's sister.
Alternate response: Tell them that while you don't have any drugs on you, you know a few connections in town and can easily score whatever it is they need. Ask them to follow you outside and when they have their backs turned, knock all of them out cold with that baseball bat that no one noticed you were carrying. Rifle through their pockets and steal all of their money. Also, urinate on them if you feel the situation warrants it.
Outcome: When they wake up, their heads will hurt and they will smell like pee, exactly what a night of drug usage feels like. They won't be the wiser that you never actually provided them with anything and they will grant you "instant cool" status. That doesn't really mean anything in the real world but you shouldn't let something like that get you down.
Congratulations! You are on your way to the top now! Obviously, there are way too many scenarios in life to cover in one simple guide such as this. However, what I have provided here are the foundations of helping you build a better life. By using what you have learned in these easy steps, you can apply these teachings to new scenarios which you may stumble across and come out looking like a true champion. Women will flock and men will stare in envy, so prepare yourself for some overdue attention. It's a bit unnerving at first -- and you have the deal with likes of B-list celebrities such as Ben Affleck calling you constantly to hang out, but life is all about getting used to new things. Tell Ben to go fuck himself and enjoy that caviar. You've earned it.
The truth is that a lot of us in the world today could benefit from some kind of life instruction manual, a guide to helping the more socially inept amongst us to better prosper through a wide variety of situations which they will likely encounter at some point before they die. Whether you'd like to believe it or not, you are one of those people. You, the future Darwin award winner, are quite likely to fail at life without my help and this is where I step in. I'm not asking for money or personal glory -- I already have both of those. Rather, I am simply asking you to better yourself which will, in turn, better my life experience because I will no longer have to deal with the person that you used to be. You, the person will wait up to ten minutes for someone to drive away so that you can take their parking spot. You, the person who just ordered a super-sized extra value meal but opted to get a diet coke because you're watching your weight. Fret not because all of that is about to change. Allow me to present to you this simple guide; a mental journey detailing how to handle life situations properly and not screw everything up like you're prone to do.
The Official P.Net Guidebook To Societal Interaction
My uncle was always fond of telling me what he considered to be the golden rule of life: don't worry about the stuffing in the teddy bear. I have no idea what that meant or why he considered it a golden rule, but my uncle was also crazy so I suppose that may have something to do with it. On more than one occasion, I would come home early to find him in the living room, painted like a zebra, masturbating furiously to pictures of owls and other woodland creatures. What does all of this have to do with you? Nothing... yet.
You see, it's people like my uncle that made me realize just how screwed up the world is and how most people simply don't grasp that they have no clue how to live life. Me? I've been living life for twenty-seven years so I think that I am more than a little qualified to talk about the subject. I have been all over the world, from Japan to Amsterdam; I have seen Governments toppled and even overthrown a few princely regimes myself. You simply haven't lived until you've been a part of a coup. But look at me, I'm getting all off track.
The thing about life is that everyone just assumes that you know what you're doing. There is no rulebook to life, no DMV-like driving test to question whether you really know what is going on. No, life is all about these unspoken rules that everyone has and you're just supposed to magically figure them out. Well, how are you going to figure them out if no one tells you? I am going to go out on a limb here and break the silence that we've all been hoarding. Me, as an expert in all matters of life and the silly situations contained within, throughout the course of this guide, will be walking you through various real-life scenarios in an effort to help train you to be a better person. I do this because I care, not necessarily about you but I'm pretty sure that I care about something.
Each scenario that I present will have a scenario outline followed by an "unacceptable" response, an "acceptable" response, and an "alternatively acceptable" response. Life is all about choice and I am here to make sure you do the right one so that you don't further piss me off and send me into 'roid rage whereby I begin to beat you about the head with whatever tool is readily available. By following what is outlined in these easy-to-read but entirely common everyday scenarios, you're be more than ready to become a productive member of soceity.
Scenario One:
Outline: For whatever reason (and through no small amount of luck), you finally manage to bag a date with the opposite sex. Things are going surprisingly well so far, largely because she hasn't noticed that you have problems chewing your food and that you drool uncontrollably. About mid-way through dinner, she lets it slip that she is totally into playing games.
Unacceptable response: Begin to excitedly exclaim that you love playing games as well and that you own every single video game console ever made. You talk in animated detail about your latest game purchase, Super Furry Fighter Ball Brothers for the Xbox920, and how you are about to find the Dragon Sword which will unlock the magic rope.
Acceptable response: Explain to her that you also like to play games and that your favorite one is called Astronaut. Place a plastic bag over her head and securely fasten it around her neck. Alternate between repeating "You're in space!" and making Star Trek sounds. Additionally, throwing her around the room at this point really helps sell the anti-gravity angle.
Alternate response: Quickly change the topic and begin discussing your extensive adult movie collection. Be sure to explicitly mention that one film where that one guy does that thing with the candle. It looks painful but you're strangely intrigued.
Outcome: She will walk away from dinner thinking that you are a man of culture and experience as opposed to some nerd who sits around and plays video games all day.
Scenario Two:
Outline: You are driving down the highway and notice a filthy and unkempt man standing on the side of the road. This man has his thumb sticking out and is carrying a sign that says "Delaware or bust."
Unacceptable response: Pass the man slowly and pull over to the side of the road. When the dirty hippie comes to your window, roll it down and politely explain to him that while you are not going anywhere near Delaware, you can take him to the next highway junction and perhaps he would have better luck finding a ride there. He gets in your car and you do exactly what you said you'd do.
Acceptable response: Same as above except when he comes to your window and asks if you're going to Delaware, tell him yes, despite the fact that you are going in the opposite direction. When he gets into your car, accidentally spill your scalding hot coffee on his lap and laugh at his pain. He'll stick with you at this point because he has nowhere else to go. Continue to verbally berate him and his heritage for the length of the trip. Drop him off whenever you get tired of his constant whining about being tied up and casually mention that you've just driven him 100 miles in the wrong direction. Laugh some more and then throw a rattlesnake at his face.
Alternate response: Ignore the hitchhiker. Accelerate in speed and be sure to clip him with your side mirror as you drive by to prove the point that you simply don't have time to be inconvenienced. Spraying dirt or mud in his face is added plus.
Outcome: He will realize how wrong he was for trying to interrupt whatever important errand you were on your way to running. In order to make amends, he will track you down and mow your lawn for free for the rest of his miserable life while you sip lemonade from your lawn chair and whip him occasionally when he isn't working hard enough.
Scenario Three:
Outline: You are attending a house party with some friends. This is quite the shindig and everyone who is anyone is there. You consider yourself lucky to be there and are trying to make the most of the experience. As you return to the kitchen to grab another Mike's Hard Lemonade. a group of people notice you as you come in and approach you, asking if you know where to score any drugs.
Unacceptable response: Proudly proclaim that drugs are evil and that you would never touch them in a million years. Also make mention that you come from a long line of law enforcement officials and that you are tempted to call the local sheriff and have the party shut down on the grounds of all the illicit activities that are going on. Ask each of the people in the group their full name and suggest that they look into getting treatment.
Acceptable response: Pull out that syringe of heroin that you keep around "just in case" and proudly display what you consider "the good shit." After the oohs and ahhs have died down, jam the rusty needle into your eyesocket and inject the heroin directly into your eyeball just to show them how hardcore you really are. Also, tell them that if they want to play, they have to pay. Actual payment is up to you but it could be monetary or perhaps you might be able to shag someone's sister.
Alternate response: Tell them that while you don't have any drugs on you, you know a few connections in town and can easily score whatever it is they need. Ask them to follow you outside and when they have their backs turned, knock all of them out cold with that baseball bat that no one noticed you were carrying. Rifle through their pockets and steal all of their money. Also, urinate on them if you feel the situation warrants it.
Outcome: When they wake up, their heads will hurt and they will smell like pee, exactly what a night of drug usage feels like. They won't be the wiser that you never actually provided them with anything and they will grant you "instant cool" status. That doesn't really mean anything in the real world but you shouldn't let something like that get you down.
Congratulations! You are on your way to the top now! Obviously, there are way too many scenarios in life to cover in one simple guide such as this. However, what I have provided here are the foundations of helping you build a better life. By using what you have learned in these easy steps, you can apply these teachings to new scenarios which you may stumble across and come out looking like a true champion. Women will flock and men will stare in envy, so prepare yourself for some overdue attention. It's a bit unnerving at first -- and you have the deal with likes of B-list celebrities such as Ben Affleck calling you constantly to hang out, but life is all about getting used to new things. Tell Ben to go fuck himself and enjoy that caviar. You've earned it.
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