It's a rare time that I open these often hilarious updates with anything less than bringing-the-house-down humor but for today I am going to have to make an exception -- and you're going to have to live with that exception until you forget about it some five minutes from now, likely after you get a call from an old friend or perhaps a visit from Superman. Perhaps your old friend is calling to see if he can get that $5 you owe him and you just spent your last bills on a brick of cheese. Or perhaps Superman might visit you because he mistakenly heard through the grapevine that your cat was stuck in a tree but you explain that you don't have a cat and his face turns red. You both wind up having a good chuckle over tea while Lex Luthor robs a bank downtown. Regardless of how you wind up forgetting, today is an important day and not one to be mired down in simple humor. Today is the day that the world is supposed to end.
You see, today is June 6th, 2006, a day which idiots are taking to mean 666 or the devil's P.O. Box number. Unfortunately, these idiots are, as idiots usually are, wrong. Today isn't 666 when abbreviated, it's actually 6606, which turns out to be the first part of the devil's home address. He's not coming invade the planet and end the world, he simply was trying to order a pizza delivery. Hey, immortal beings might live forever but that doesn't mean that they don't get hungry. Of course, since it's hell, he's probably ordering something crappy like Papa John's or some other similarly mediocre pizza. (Now, for those who are going to fire me off angry letters such as "Hey, I like Papa John's!" I would like to remind you that you have no say in the matter because you think eating at Denny's is fine dining.) Anyway, newsflash folks -- the world isn't ending and I am mighty sick of all the morons running around screaming about 666. What the hell? Is the zero silent? No one ever abbreviates a date down to three letters unless it really suits them to do so, usually for comedic or some other idiotic purposes.
Speaking of pizza delivery, I once ordered a pizza and the delivery guy that showed up looked exactly like Tom Hanks. I really didn't believe for one second that Tom Hanks would be out delivering pizzas in my neighborhood but it looked so much like him that it actually made me stop and ponder it for a moment. Tom Hanks is a big rich celebrity, what would he be doing delivering an extra large with a side of sauce? Maybe he's researching a role for his next movie. Something along the lines of a troubled youth growing up on the wrong side of the tracks who makes good as he fights the scourge of hunger by getting your pizza there in 20 minutes or less. I have to admit that I kept running similar scenarios through my head long after he had left and my pizza was eaten, but I never saw him again and I have yet to hear about the summer blockbuster about the magical pizza delivery guy.
The news is filled with coverage of priests being interviewed while cultists and naysayers run amok in the streets screaming about the impending doom. Yeah. You know, if you're of the type holding down a steady job, perhaps feeding yourself or maybe some type of family, and you take a sick day today so that you can run around like some half-assed (though incorrect) prophet, you might have more issues than we have room to cover here. If you're just jumping on the bandwagon because you have this buddy who claims to have a friend who once met Dracula, I say that you're full of shit and I would love nothing more than to dislocate your jaw with a rubber mallet. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go nor collect $200. In fact you need to pay a stupid tax of $200 and apologize to everyone you meet on the street while being transported to some kind of concentration camp for the mentally lacking.
Ok, so I guess I got that all out of me. I actually wasn't going to write anything today, chalking it up to yet another missed opportunity similar to those updates that I didn't write on Memorial Day and Ash Wednesday. I'm still really bitter about missing Ash Wednesday but the truth is that I have been busy selling generic vicoden to goth teenagers as a means to further their depression. You know most of them are all talk anyway. Still, I suppose the novelty of the date today isn't entirely without merit. I mean, 6/6/06 won't ever come around again and I nearly missed my chance to comment on this singularly unique day. You know, unique just like every other day that has already passed. Yeah, none of those are coming around again any time soon either. That's why they call it the past, people. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get a call into Tom Hanks and see what movies he has coming down the pipeline.
You see, today is June 6th, 2006, a day which idiots are taking to mean 666 or the devil's P.O. Box number. Unfortunately, these idiots are, as idiots usually are, wrong. Today isn't 666 when abbreviated, it's actually 6606, which turns out to be the first part of the devil's home address. He's not coming invade the planet and end the world, he simply was trying to order a pizza delivery. Hey, immortal beings might live forever but that doesn't mean that they don't get hungry. Of course, since it's hell, he's probably ordering something crappy like Papa John's or some other similarly mediocre pizza. (Now, for those who are going to fire me off angry letters such as "Hey, I like Papa John's!" I would like to remind you that you have no say in the matter because you think eating at Denny's is fine dining.) Anyway, newsflash folks -- the world isn't ending and I am mighty sick of all the morons running around screaming about 666. What the hell? Is the zero silent? No one ever abbreviates a date down to three letters unless it really suits them to do so, usually for comedic or some other idiotic purposes.
Speaking of pizza delivery, I once ordered a pizza and the delivery guy that showed up looked exactly like Tom Hanks. I really didn't believe for one second that Tom Hanks would be out delivering pizzas in my neighborhood but it looked so much like him that it actually made me stop and ponder it for a moment. Tom Hanks is a big rich celebrity, what would he be doing delivering an extra large with a side of sauce? Maybe he's researching a role for his next movie. Something along the lines of a troubled youth growing up on the wrong side of the tracks who makes good as he fights the scourge of hunger by getting your pizza there in 20 minutes or less. I have to admit that I kept running similar scenarios through my head long after he had left and my pizza was eaten, but I never saw him again and I have yet to hear about the summer blockbuster about the magical pizza delivery guy.
The news is filled with coverage of priests being interviewed while cultists and naysayers run amok in the streets screaming about the impending doom. Yeah. You know, if you're of the type holding down a steady job, perhaps feeding yourself or maybe some type of family, and you take a sick day today so that you can run around like some half-assed (though incorrect) prophet, you might have more issues than we have room to cover here. If you're just jumping on the bandwagon because you have this buddy who claims to have a friend who once met Dracula, I say that you're full of shit and I would love nothing more than to dislocate your jaw with a rubber mallet. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go nor collect $200. In fact you need to pay a stupid tax of $200 and apologize to everyone you meet on the street while being transported to some kind of concentration camp for the mentally lacking.
Ok, so I guess I got that all out of me. I actually wasn't going to write anything today, chalking it up to yet another missed opportunity similar to those updates that I didn't write on Memorial Day and Ash Wednesday. I'm still really bitter about missing Ash Wednesday but the truth is that I have been busy selling generic vicoden to goth teenagers as a means to further their depression. You know most of them are all talk anyway. Still, I suppose the novelty of the date today isn't entirely without merit. I mean, 6/6/06 won't ever come around again and I nearly missed my chance to comment on this singularly unique day. You know, unique just like every other day that has already passed. Yeah, none of those are coming around again any time soon either. That's why they call it the past, people. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get a call into Tom Hanks and see what movies he has coming down the pipeline.