Look, frankly, I think it's time that we stopped beating around the bush. I don't like you and I know you don't like me. Sure, we could sit around all day and argue about whose fault it is or whether I really did run over your father with a Formula One race car, but let's take a moment and simply face facts: that would be a supreme waste of both our time. Whether we like it or not -- and I will be the first to stand up and adamantly say that I do not -- we need each other, you and I. You see, we are joined at the hip, a symbiotic relationship in the making if you will. Allow me to explain.
My position and what I do here is no secret. I write articles on the internet that are jampacked with the latest in what's considered brilliant comedy. I am routinely pushing both the boundaries and the envelope; the latter simply because I truly despise paper. I dictate what's funny because what I say defines funny. So, what does all this have to do with you? You are the consumer, the end product, the devourer of my funny. You sit there smugly in front of your computer, checking your email or reading the website, and laughing. Sometimes you laugh because it's funny, sometimes just because you're uncomfortable and you realize that perhaps investing your life savings into that miracle cure for hemorroids probably wasn't the best idea you ever came up with. Sure, there's also the occasional time when you're not laughing; when your face takes on roughly the same look that George Bush's did after he got a verbal trouncing from Stephen Colbert at the media meet'n'greet this past weekend. It's not that I am any less funny during these times but rather that you simply don't get what I am saying. Not that you should take your lack of sophistication personally -- I'm sure it's happened to everyone who never experienced puberty.
Do you see what I am getting at? Without you and this odd love/hate relationship, where would each of us be? You? Your life might be roughly the same with you still trying to hone your skills as a professional wrestler while simultaneously trying to get Congress to admit that gay marriage really would be a boon to the military. You'd still be doing your laundry in your kitchen sink and occasionally throwing beer bottles at the children in the street when they played a little too loudly after curfew. Me? Oh, I'd still be in charge of running a multi-billon dollar international corporation hellbent on taking over the world one e-mail update at a time, but I'd be doing it with one less reader. That would be one less person to help us achieve our goal of over a million people who read the website daily. I would hate... wait, this just came in. Apparently, we've long been over the million reader mark so I kind of take back all the things I said above about really needing you. Still, I've put in this much effort, why not make a go of it?
Seriously, what happened to us? Where did we go wrong? You and I used to be so tight. Was it that one time that I told you that James Blunt wrote that song "You're Beautiful" while he was thinking about you but you knew deep down that he really didn't because your face looks like the bottom of a frying pan that someone burned an omelette in? No, that couldn't possibly be it. I mean, you'd destroy what we had built up for something so petty? Ok, was it the time that I sent an army of homeless people over to your house armed with skeleton keys and a caseful of molotov cocktails? Oh come on, that can't be it! You only got third degree burns! Ok, wait, I bet I know what it is. You're still angry about the time that I bribed Ed McMahon to come over to your house and pretend you won the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes? Sorry about the bankruptcy. Oh, it's suddenly my fault that you can't manage your finances?
Christ, I knew that this little talk was destined to go nowhere. You're simply too thick-headed to listen to reason. I've spelled it out for you in great detail the reasons why we need each other, why we have to make this relationship work. Hey, I am not happy about it either but if life was all about having fun, drugs would be legal and you wouldn't have been born with a lisp. So, I am just going to ask one last time. Do you think we can put aside our differences for a greater good, namely my company's bottom line? I mean, it's not like I am asking you to go out and run a marathon. All you have to do is just sit there like you have been for the past hour and let your eyes glaze over a little while you recite the website address over and over again. This works best in a public setting like a library but if you yell loudly enough, any place will suffice. Also, don't forget to occasionally laugh, even if you don't get the jokes. Who knows, you might just find yourself in a better mood because of it. If you do, you know who to thank.
My position and what I do here is no secret. I write articles on the internet that are jampacked with the latest in what's considered brilliant comedy. I am routinely pushing both the boundaries and the envelope; the latter simply because I truly despise paper. I dictate what's funny because what I say defines funny. So, what does all this have to do with you? You are the consumer, the end product, the devourer of my funny. You sit there smugly in front of your computer, checking your email or reading the website, and laughing. Sometimes you laugh because it's funny, sometimes just because you're uncomfortable and you realize that perhaps investing your life savings into that miracle cure for hemorroids probably wasn't the best idea you ever came up with. Sure, there's also the occasional time when you're not laughing; when your face takes on roughly the same look that George Bush's did after he got a verbal trouncing from Stephen Colbert at the media meet'n'greet this past weekend. It's not that I am any less funny during these times but rather that you simply don't get what I am saying. Not that you should take your lack of sophistication personally -- I'm sure it's happened to everyone who never experienced puberty.
Do you see what I am getting at? Without you and this odd love/hate relationship, where would each of us be? You? Your life might be roughly the same with you still trying to hone your skills as a professional wrestler while simultaneously trying to get Congress to admit that gay marriage really would be a boon to the military. You'd still be doing your laundry in your kitchen sink and occasionally throwing beer bottles at the children in the street when they played a little too loudly after curfew. Me? Oh, I'd still be in charge of running a multi-billon dollar international corporation hellbent on taking over the world one e-mail update at a time, but I'd be doing it with one less reader. That would be one less person to help us achieve our goal of over a million people who read the website daily. I would hate... wait, this just came in. Apparently, we've long been over the million reader mark so I kind of take back all the things I said above about really needing you. Still, I've put in this much effort, why not make a go of it?
Seriously, what happened to us? Where did we go wrong? You and I used to be so tight. Was it that one time that I told you that James Blunt wrote that song "You're Beautiful" while he was thinking about you but you knew deep down that he really didn't because your face looks like the bottom of a frying pan that someone burned an omelette in? No, that couldn't possibly be it. I mean, you'd destroy what we had built up for something so petty? Ok, was it the time that I sent an army of homeless people over to your house armed with skeleton keys and a caseful of molotov cocktails? Oh come on, that can't be it! You only got third degree burns! Ok, wait, I bet I know what it is. You're still angry about the time that I bribed Ed McMahon to come over to your house and pretend you won the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes? Sorry about the bankruptcy. Oh, it's suddenly my fault that you can't manage your finances?
Christ, I knew that this little talk was destined to go nowhere. You're simply too thick-headed to listen to reason. I've spelled it out for you in great detail the reasons why we need each other, why we have to make this relationship work. Hey, I am not happy about it either but if life was all about having fun, drugs would be legal and you wouldn't have been born with a lisp. So, I am just going to ask one last time. Do you think we can put aside our differences for a greater good, namely my company's bottom line? I mean, it's not like I am asking you to go out and run a marathon. All you have to do is just sit there like you have been for the past hour and let your eyes glaze over a little while you recite the website address over and over again. This works best in a public setting like a library but if you yell loudly enough, any place will suffice. Also, don't forget to occasionally laugh, even if you don't get the jokes. Who knows, you might just find yourself in a better mood because of it. If you do, you know who to thank.