Unless you've been sleeping in a cave and/or are Amish, you've probably seen the news, read all the headlines. America is expanding at a rapid rate, both at our borders and our waistlines. Obesity is a huge problem plaguing this country, endangering everyone from adults and school children to elephants and color television sets. And you can trust us when we say that there is no end in sight.
Deep down inside, people want to be healthy but, deep down inside, people also want to eat lots of pizza and burgers while exercising as little as possible. Trust us, we know where you're coming from! Dieting is difficult and often gets in the way of a good buffet meal. Maybe you've been sitting around considering something like this for a while, but you're not sure if you really need to lose any weight. After all, you're not fat, you're big-boned. Or it's a glandular problem. Riiight. Take a moment and ask yourself the following questions:
Do you frequently find yourself eating or tossing aside small children if they are standing between you and that last chicken leg?
Do you have problems falling asleep at night if you know that you haven't quite polished off that last pound of butter?
Do you drink a glass of syrup or gravy with every meal?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you just might have an eating disorder. But don't fret! Let the nutrition experts at the Pollestad.Net Corporate (PNC) Health Center get you and your weight under control! We've been in the health business since before we were born, pumping iron in the womb, so we know our stuff.
But wait, you say. I've tried diet plans; I've ordered those pills from the back of the magazines that said that they were the end-all cure. They didn't work, so why should I believe you?
Sure, we've all seen those ads, with their pretty models and their shiny skin. They all claim the same results: that you could look that good with just a simple pill. Newsflash: you'll never look that good no matter how many pills you ingest. Secondary newsflash: those models are fake! Do you honestly think that they got where they are by taking pills? Hell no. They actually worked out and whatnot, something you don't need to do! You've probably seen our ads. If so, you know that we don't stoop to the level of the competition and hire fake models. We hire real people who have had real results with our program... and then we run the pictures through Photoshop to make them look better. You can rest assured in knowing that the people in our ads are almost nearly 100% genuine.
So, we've sold you with our opening spiel, but you're still not convinced. How do you really know if this is the right plan for you? Try this one on for size: we guarantee results! That's right, we guarantee that you will see results with our diet program. It should be noted, however, that these results could be either positive or negative but results you will have! Oh yes! But why stop there? We hear you; you want real world results. We once field tested our amazing diet formula on a cow. After just three hours, he began to lose weight. Of course, he eventually died but we're pretty sure that we've got it right this time.
What, exactly, does our amazing, award-winning program consist of? Let's run down just a few of the many options that we offer and solutions to your weight problem:
Deep down inside, people want to be healthy but, deep down inside, people also want to eat lots of pizza and burgers while exercising as little as possible. Trust us, we know where you're coming from! Dieting is difficult and often gets in the way of a good buffet meal. Maybe you've been sitting around considering something like this for a while, but you're not sure if you really need to lose any weight. After all, you're not fat, you're big-boned. Or it's a glandular problem. Riiight. Take a moment and ask yourself the following questions:
Do you frequently find yourself eating or tossing aside small children if they are standing between you and that last chicken leg?
Do you have problems falling asleep at night if you know that you haven't quite polished off that last pound of butter?
Do you drink a glass of syrup or gravy with every meal?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you just might have an eating disorder. But don't fret! Let the nutrition experts at the Pollestad.Net Corporate (PNC) Health Center get you and your weight under control! We've been in the health business since before we were born, pumping iron in the womb, so we know our stuff.
But wait, you say. I've tried diet plans; I've ordered those pills from the back of the magazines that said that they were the end-all cure. They didn't work, so why should I believe you?
Sure, we've all seen those ads, with their pretty models and their shiny skin. They all claim the same results: that you could look that good with just a simple pill. Newsflash: you'll never look that good no matter how many pills you ingest. Secondary newsflash: those models are fake! Do you honestly think that they got where they are by taking pills? Hell no. They actually worked out and whatnot, something you don't need to do! You've probably seen our ads. If so, you know that we don't stoop to the level of the competition and hire fake models. We hire real people who have had real results with our program... and then we run the pictures through Photoshop to make them look better. You can rest assured in knowing that the people in our ads are almost nearly 100% genuine.
So, we've sold you with our opening spiel, but you're still not convinced. How do you really know if this is the right plan for you? Try this one on for size: we guarantee results! That's right, we guarantee that you will see results with our diet program. It should be noted, however, that these results could be either positive or negative but results you will have! Oh yes! But why stop there? We hear you; you want real world results. We once field tested our amazing diet formula on a cow. After just three hours, he began to lose weight. Of course, he eventually died but we're pretty sure that we've got it right this time.
What, exactly, does our amazing, award-winning program consist of? Let's run down just a few of the many options that we offer and solutions to your weight problem:
- Blast the fat away! I know what you're saying, blast the fat away, these guys must be crazy! Yes, we are crazy, crazy about seeing you get the results you want! While most diets stick to eating healthy meals and lots of running (ugh!), we'd like to think that we're taking a more innovative approach. Here's how it works: using small dynamite packs, roughly the size of a 3-year old's fist, we strategically place them on various fat pockets on your body. A quick push of our remote detonator and *poof*, fat be gone. Sure, it stings for a while and you can't go the park without people staring, but just think how great you'll look and feel once it's all healed.
- Custom-tailored drug supplement! Ok, the blasting route isn't for everyone. Some people prefer actual science to immediate results. If this is you, don't worry, we have something for everyone. After an exhaustive medical examination which involves brain scans and fossilized dinosaur bones, our PNC Nutrition specialists will come up with a medical drug suppliment program that is tailored for you so that you see only the results you want. To be honest, most of these drug plans merely contain copious amounts of methamphetamines, but don't let that fool you! Not only will you see instant weight loss results, think of all the extra time you'll have to do the stuff you want once you stop sleeping for weeks on end!
- Make extra money in the process! Let's face it, most diet plans are one-way tickets for your money to leave your wallet. Aside from seeing a better, healthier you, what do you really get out of it? We here at the PNC would like to change all that. Sure, we charge you an arm and a leg but because we're so confident that you'll lose the weight, we offer to buy the fat you lose from you in advance. You might be asking why we would do such a thing and we would reply that it's absolutely none of your business! However, we do sell a good portion of our purchased fat to Ethiopia. We package it in empty McDonald's wrappers and they never know the difference! By helping us, you're helping a small child in a third world country eat one last meal before his arteries become clogged and his little respiratory system shuts down. Top that Sally Struthers!