Hey, guess what? I got you a present. Yeah, I know it's not your birthday. No, I'm not dying. No, you're not either. Oh, go on. Open it! See that foil wrapping? Yeah, I picked it out myself. I understand that you find fluorescent wrapping paper garish but I thought it matched your eyes. I guess I was wrong. Yes, you can shake it -- it won't break. I can't wait to see what you think of it. Hurry up and open it! What do you mean what is it? I thought it's pretty obvious. Yes, it's an index card. Yes, the card says "Thanks!" You still don't get it? I just gave thanks. In fact, I gave you thanks. Thanks for what? Nothing. I'm just getting into the holiday spirit.
And so went my first attempt at trying to celebrate Thanksgiving. I guess I wound up a little off the mark. After all was said and done, I realized that I really didn't know anything about Thanksgiving, how to celebrate it, or how it even came about. So I did what any normal but eccentric billionaire would do: I went for a ride on my elephant. After the elephant was tired, I sat down for some ice cream but it melted before I got a chance to eat it. After some procrastination and three dead hookers later, I found myself knee-deep in history tomes and textbooks, feverishly reading everything I could find on the holiday of Thanksgiving. It turns out that Thanksgiving has nothing to do with providing each other with wrapped gifts or wrapping a small midget in cellophane. I've been going about it wrong all these years.
Of course, as with most things, to really understand Thanksgiving you have to go back and find it's origins and learn how it all started. The only time that you don't have to do this is if you're over the age of 63 or from Brazil. The exception to this exception is that if you're older than 63 AND from Brazil, they cancel each other out and you're back to doing research. A little known fact is that the majority of our breakthroughs in historical research have come from the Brazilian elderly. But look at me getting all sidetracked. I came to give you real deal inside scoop on the happenings of Thanksgiving and so help me Batman, I will do just that.
From what I have read, most people think that the idea of Thanksgiving had something to do with the early American settlers commingling with the Indian tribes of the time, giving thanks for the fact that, for once, they weren't starving or freezing to death. This, of course, is entirely untrue. Thanksgiving was actually started as a marketing ploy by Pete Wilson, proprieter of "PIlgrim Pete's Party Gags And Other Puritan Pranks", as a means to drum up business. The year was 1687 and the early settlers weren't much for fun and games. It was all about religion and who could burn the most witches at the stake. The idea behind the marketing was simple: buy a lot of stuff at my store and I, Pilgrim Pete, will in turn give my thanks to you. This scheme was successful due to another little known fact about most of the Pilgrims: they were all shopoholics.
But Randy, you say, how did we go from a means to sell pranks to sitting around all day consuming buckets of turkey and snow peas? Well, cool your attention deficit disorder and be patient. I will tell you. Thanksgiving as we celebrate it today began to take hold during the winter of 1721. It had been an especially bad year for the oil drilling industry and the colonies were simply fed up. A revolution was in the making and people were growing tired of the taxation without representation thing (a marketing blitz created by the British to sell cat food). Since all the local Indian tribes were dead at this point, thanks in no small part to our numerous diseases and the fact that we shot a lot of them with our guns, the pre-States were in chaos. There was only one way that order could be restored and that was through eating.
Now, the people of this time weren't quite as clever as many make them out to be. In fact, anyone who could come to the conclusion that eating will solve the problems of your country isn't exactly at the head of his class. Ethiopia, of course, notwithstanding. Little known fact: food would probably help solve a lot of Ethiopia's problems. The idea of the feast was plagued from the start. First, everyone had to bitch and moan about what to serve as menu items. Someone suggested that they roast an ox but the vegetarians cried foul. Someone suggested salad but the supporters of plant life cried foul. Someone suggested that they stick with liquids only but fluid lovers everywhere cried foul. (The chicken people, they cried "fowl"!!!) It seemed that things were at a standstill. Eventually someone suggested that they simply order out for Chinese and everyone was happy.
The next big debate raged on as to when this great feast should take place. Everyone had their own idea of what day was special enough to hold it and a number of fistfights ensued. It was only after a small boy was killed in a completely unrelated marshmallow eating accident that someone stepped up and simply suggested that they have it on a Thursday. Everyone agreed that Thursday sounded reasonable and no one seemed to object to not having the great feast set on any given day. Little known fact: Wednesday was the runner-up. After the dust settled and the broken bones healed, a feast was had. I guess it was pretty good. I wouldn't know, I wasn't there. If you were there, drop me a line and let me know how it was.
And so the tradition began. On some Thursday, people order takeout Chinese food and enjoy the fine art of Thanksgiving. Some of the more inventive in our society have taken to adding small touches here and there to really make the holiday their own. For example, in North Carolina, while the rich eat, they make the poor do some humiliating dance routine before they are allowed to eat from the dog's dish. Some have even tried to take the knowledge of Thanksgiving and pass it on to other countries. Unfortunately for them, America holds the patent on Thanksgiving and they have to do things a little bit differently. Canadians, for example, slaughter rabbits while feasting on spoiled milk and cardboard. Those who do not license the rights to Thanksgiving are doomed to celebrate it poorly.
While the Irish people have their St. Patricks day and Jewish people have the holocaust, Thanksgiving is something truly American. We're the only people that feel the need to take a day off work just to eat. Some people say a prayer, some watch football, but for the most part, we're all pretty much lounging around doing nothing. Then we spend the next day shopping. Truly the American way. Still, for me, Thanksgiving isn't about the eating, the football, or the shopping. In fact, my Thanksgiving is already over, a distant memory. I think I was eating some beef jerky when I saw the press conference of George Bush and his heroic efforts to pardon a turkey. That brought a tear to my eye. It's the little things for which I am truly thankful.
And so went my first attempt at trying to celebrate Thanksgiving. I guess I wound up a little off the mark. After all was said and done, I realized that I really didn't know anything about Thanksgiving, how to celebrate it, or how it even came about. So I did what any normal but eccentric billionaire would do: I went for a ride on my elephant. After the elephant was tired, I sat down for some ice cream but it melted before I got a chance to eat it. After some procrastination and three dead hookers later, I found myself knee-deep in history tomes and textbooks, feverishly reading everything I could find on the holiday of Thanksgiving. It turns out that Thanksgiving has nothing to do with providing each other with wrapped gifts or wrapping a small midget in cellophane. I've been going about it wrong all these years.
Of course, as with most things, to really understand Thanksgiving you have to go back and find it's origins and learn how it all started. The only time that you don't have to do this is if you're over the age of 63 or from Brazil. The exception to this exception is that if you're older than 63 AND from Brazil, they cancel each other out and you're back to doing research. A little known fact is that the majority of our breakthroughs in historical research have come from the Brazilian elderly. But look at me getting all sidetracked. I came to give you real deal inside scoop on the happenings of Thanksgiving and so help me Batman, I will do just that.
From what I have read, most people think that the idea of Thanksgiving had something to do with the early American settlers commingling with the Indian tribes of the time, giving thanks for the fact that, for once, they weren't starving or freezing to death. This, of course, is entirely untrue. Thanksgiving was actually started as a marketing ploy by Pete Wilson, proprieter of "PIlgrim Pete's Party Gags And Other Puritan Pranks", as a means to drum up business. The year was 1687 and the early settlers weren't much for fun and games. It was all about religion and who could burn the most witches at the stake. The idea behind the marketing was simple: buy a lot of stuff at my store and I, Pilgrim Pete, will in turn give my thanks to you. This scheme was successful due to another little known fact about most of the Pilgrims: they were all shopoholics.
But Randy, you say, how did we go from a means to sell pranks to sitting around all day consuming buckets of turkey and snow peas? Well, cool your attention deficit disorder and be patient. I will tell you. Thanksgiving as we celebrate it today began to take hold during the winter of 1721. It had been an especially bad year for the oil drilling industry and the colonies were simply fed up. A revolution was in the making and people were growing tired of the taxation without representation thing (a marketing blitz created by the British to sell cat food). Since all the local Indian tribes were dead at this point, thanks in no small part to our numerous diseases and the fact that we shot a lot of them with our guns, the pre-States were in chaos. There was only one way that order could be restored and that was through eating.
Now, the people of this time weren't quite as clever as many make them out to be. In fact, anyone who could come to the conclusion that eating will solve the problems of your country isn't exactly at the head of his class. Ethiopia, of course, notwithstanding. Little known fact: food would probably help solve a lot of Ethiopia's problems. The idea of the feast was plagued from the start. First, everyone had to bitch and moan about what to serve as menu items. Someone suggested that they roast an ox but the vegetarians cried foul. Someone suggested salad but the supporters of plant life cried foul. Someone suggested that they stick with liquids only but fluid lovers everywhere cried foul. (The chicken people, they cried "fowl"!!!) It seemed that things were at a standstill. Eventually someone suggested that they simply order out for Chinese and everyone was happy.
The next big debate raged on as to when this great feast should take place. Everyone had their own idea of what day was special enough to hold it and a number of fistfights ensued. It was only after a small boy was killed in a completely unrelated marshmallow eating accident that someone stepped up and simply suggested that they have it on a Thursday. Everyone agreed that Thursday sounded reasonable and no one seemed to object to not having the great feast set on any given day. Little known fact: Wednesday was the runner-up. After the dust settled and the broken bones healed, a feast was had. I guess it was pretty good. I wouldn't know, I wasn't there. If you were there, drop me a line and let me know how it was.
And so the tradition began. On some Thursday, people order takeout Chinese food and enjoy the fine art of Thanksgiving. Some of the more inventive in our society have taken to adding small touches here and there to really make the holiday their own. For example, in North Carolina, while the rich eat, they make the poor do some humiliating dance routine before they are allowed to eat from the dog's dish. Some have even tried to take the knowledge of Thanksgiving and pass it on to other countries. Unfortunately for them, America holds the patent on Thanksgiving and they have to do things a little bit differently. Canadians, for example, slaughter rabbits while feasting on spoiled milk and cardboard. Those who do not license the rights to Thanksgiving are doomed to celebrate it poorly.
While the Irish people have their St. Patricks day and Jewish people have the holocaust, Thanksgiving is something truly American. We're the only people that feel the need to take a day off work just to eat. Some people say a prayer, some watch football, but for the most part, we're all pretty much lounging around doing nothing. Then we spend the next day shopping. Truly the American way. Still, for me, Thanksgiving isn't about the eating, the football, or the shopping. In fact, my Thanksgiving is already over, a distant memory. I think I was eating some beef jerky when I saw the press conference of George Bush and his heroic efforts to pardon a turkey. That brought a tear to my eye. It's the little things for which I am truly thankful.
(0 comments) - Add Comment - Rate This Update