I'm going to branch out from the norm today and let you in on a little personal secret. No, I don't have crabs again. I could get in trouble for telling you what I am about to say, or at least that's what the official people told me. It would seem that the winds of change have swept inland from the sea of despair to bring some good news. Good news is rare in these parts so, of course, I am understandably excited. Roughly twenty minutes ago, I received an email from Wilfred Alberto, the Lottery Director for the Royal Spanish Sweepstake Lottery located in Madrid, Spain. In an official memo from the "International Promotion/Prize Award Department" (because such important notifications get sent over email all the time), it states that my email address was attached to the lucky ticket that was drawn on the 24th of February.
Dear Winner,
We happily announce to you the draw of the Royal spanish Sweepstake Lottery International programs held on the 24th Febuary 2005 in Madrid Spain.Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: 212005600545 188 with Serial number 4888/02 drew the lucky numbers: 41-6-76-13-45-8, which subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd category.You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of 1,000,000.00 Euro(One million Euro) in cash credited to file KPC/9080333308/03.
Initially, of course, I was a bit skeptical. I mean, I never even entered any lottery drawing and the wording on the official memo leaves a little to be desired. Still, those numbers look pretty damn official. Reading further along, the memo states that "all participants were selected randomly from World Wide Web site through computer draw system and extracted from over 100,000 companies." Ok, whatever that means, but it does clear up how I won without actually entering. One more checkmark towards legitimacy.
I can't believe it! I'm going to be rich! All I have to do to claim my prize money is simply reply to the memo and include my winning batch and reference numbers. I have not shared these numbers with you because, as a precuation, the memo told me that I should keep such things to myself "to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some unscrupulous elements." I'd like to think that none of you are "unscrupulous elements" but I'm keeping my mouth shut on this one just to be safe. Err on the side of caution and all that. Soon, my bank account with be erring on the side of richness!
After submitting my winning ticket, I simply wait five days and the "MINISTERIO DE ECONOMIA Y HACIENDA" will issue me my winnings to the designated account of my choice. I don't really mean to rub it in but, hot damn, I am going to be pratically swimming in money. I've already got a number of thoughts swarming in my head so if you don't mind, I'd like to outline some of the fantastic things that I am going to do with my winnings.
Form an entourage. This is essential for any person of a wealthy stature and is the first item on my list. Now, I know a lot of you reading this would likely be chosen but speaking in truth, most of you are in the "hangers-on" class of people. In order to weed out who is and who isn't, I'll likely host some kind of Survivor-like reality show in which everyone I know would battle it out for a chance to be a member of my entourage. Then, after degrading yourself fully, you can spend the rest of your life in servitude of me and my awesome amount of money. Sounds fair.
Form a habit. Another nearly "must have" item on the list. Everyone with money has a habit and I won't be left out in the cold. While some choose to be the norm and stick with standard drugs or alcohol, I would take this to a whole new level and do something crazy like inject LSD into my tongue while smoking a mixture of crack and speed. If you're going to do it, do it different.
Buy a hidden island or volcano retreat. This is really a "just in case" type of thing. Just in case I decide to turn evil and take over the world that is. Every evil overlord needs some kind of hideout or secret base where he can plan his plot that will eventually be foiled by some dogooder. The latest issue of Henchmen Quarterly says that volcanos are the chic thing these days but really it's a toss-up between that and the old island standby. Either are acceptable since money ain't no thang!
Start a cult. It should be noted from the outset that this cult thing is way different than my plans for an entourage. In fact, I plan to keep the two quite seperate. And this won't be one of those sissy "drink the poison Kool-Aid" cults either. We won't worship comets or impregnate teens with small alien devices. No, I am going to use my riches and fame to revolutionize the whole cult industry. We'd be a peaceful bunch, tending to our farms and growing fig newtons out of specially designed trees. Children would frolick in the gardens, assuming they still do such things. All things would be at peace and live in harmony. By day. By night they would turn into some kind of ravenous vampire clan and eat goats made of plastic. At least that's what I envision right now.
And this is just a starter list. I have so many plans and ideas that my brain is ready to explode. It's racing at a mile a minute right now, like giving crystal meth to a four year-old ADD patient. Still, my money is five days away and a lot can change by then. For example, I could eat some bad turkey and get constipated. This would change my outlook drastically. I'd have to dump a bunch of money into curing constipation research and the like. With all that said, I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. I don't want to leave you, the little people, behind as I rocket to fame and stardom. Given that, you have approximately 120 hours from now to impress me enough so that I don't forget you on my way to the top. Let's get to work.
Dear Winner,
We happily announce to you the draw of the Royal spanish Sweepstake Lottery International programs held on the 24th Febuary 2005 in Madrid Spain.Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: 212005600545 188 with Serial number 4888/02 drew the lucky numbers: 41-6-76-13-45-8, which subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd category.You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of 1,000,000.00 Euro(One million Euro) in cash credited to file KPC/9080333308/03.
Initially, of course, I was a bit skeptical. I mean, I never even entered any lottery drawing and the wording on the official memo leaves a little to be desired. Still, those numbers look pretty damn official. Reading further along, the memo states that "all participants were selected randomly from World Wide Web site through computer draw system and extracted from over 100,000 companies." Ok, whatever that means, but it does clear up how I won without actually entering. One more checkmark towards legitimacy.
I can't believe it! I'm going to be rich! All I have to do to claim my prize money is simply reply to the memo and include my winning batch and reference numbers. I have not shared these numbers with you because, as a precuation, the memo told me that I should keep such things to myself "to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some unscrupulous elements." I'd like to think that none of you are "unscrupulous elements" but I'm keeping my mouth shut on this one just to be safe. Err on the side of caution and all that. Soon, my bank account with be erring on the side of richness!
After submitting my winning ticket, I simply wait five days and the "MINISTERIO DE ECONOMIA Y HACIENDA" will issue me my winnings to the designated account of my choice. I don't really mean to rub it in but, hot damn, I am going to be pratically swimming in money. I've already got a number of thoughts swarming in my head so if you don't mind, I'd like to outline some of the fantastic things that I am going to do with my winnings.
Form an entourage. This is essential for any person of a wealthy stature and is the first item on my list. Now, I know a lot of you reading this would likely be chosen but speaking in truth, most of you are in the "hangers-on" class of people. In order to weed out who is and who isn't, I'll likely host some kind of Survivor-like reality show in which everyone I know would battle it out for a chance to be a member of my entourage. Then, after degrading yourself fully, you can spend the rest of your life in servitude of me and my awesome amount of money. Sounds fair.
Form a habit. Another nearly "must have" item on the list. Everyone with money has a habit and I won't be left out in the cold. While some choose to be the norm and stick with standard drugs or alcohol, I would take this to a whole new level and do something crazy like inject LSD into my tongue while smoking a mixture of crack and speed. If you're going to do it, do it different.
Buy a hidden island or volcano retreat. This is really a "just in case" type of thing. Just in case I decide to turn evil and take over the world that is. Every evil overlord needs some kind of hideout or secret base where he can plan his plot that will eventually be foiled by some dogooder. The latest issue of Henchmen Quarterly says that volcanos are the chic thing these days but really it's a toss-up between that and the old island standby. Either are acceptable since money ain't no thang!
Start a cult. It should be noted from the outset that this cult thing is way different than my plans for an entourage. In fact, I plan to keep the two quite seperate. And this won't be one of those sissy "drink the poison Kool-Aid" cults either. We won't worship comets or impregnate teens with small alien devices. No, I am going to use my riches and fame to revolutionize the whole cult industry. We'd be a peaceful bunch, tending to our farms and growing fig newtons out of specially designed trees. Children would frolick in the gardens, assuming they still do such things. All things would be at peace and live in harmony. By day. By night they would turn into some kind of ravenous vampire clan and eat goats made of plastic. At least that's what I envision right now.
And this is just a starter list. I have so many plans and ideas that my brain is ready to explode. It's racing at a mile a minute right now, like giving crystal meth to a four year-old ADD patient. Still, my money is five days away and a lot can change by then. For example, I could eat some bad turkey and get constipated. This would change my outlook drastically. I'd have to dump a bunch of money into curing constipation research and the like. With all that said, I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. I don't want to leave you, the little people, behind as I rocket to fame and stardom. Given that, you have approximately 120 hours from now to impress me enough so that I don't forget you on my way to the top. Let's get to work.
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