Hello Employee #15294!
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your first visit to the Information Center. Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may get you fired if not adhered to. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation.
Memo #157, 09-09-2004: We regret to inform all employees that the entire HR staff has checked themselves into rehab. We wish them the best of luck. If you have a pending or critical human resources issue, please see Earl in Janitorial. He will do his best to help you.
Memo #158, 09-18-2004: Jack from Maintenance has brought to our attention that a number of employees are using the elevator doors to crush soda cans for recycling. While we believe in recycling as much as the next company, there are people trapped on the eighth floor that need to get down. Email traffic suggests that they haven't eaten in almost a week. Anyone caught abusing their elevator priviledges will be taped to the flagpole for a period of no less than one day.
Memo #159, 10-01-2004: In an effort to tighten our corporate security and prevent critical information leaks, we will soon be employing a team to monitor and read all outgoing email. We regret any inconvenience that this may cause.
Memo #160, 10-05-2004: The men's bathroom is closed until further notice. There was an apparent underground explosion that was in no way related to our illegal chemical dump located in a similar area. The resulting flood has rendered the bathroom unusable. We have left numerous messages with Janitorial but apparently Earl is out of the office working on getting the company a new dental plan. Go Earl!
Memo #161, 10-17-2004: We would like to inform all employees that we will no longer be monitoring email and have fired the staff we hired to do that. One employee apparently inserted "I AM THE GRIM REAPER" fifty times at random spots in an important proposal. Needless to say, we lost. We would further like to remind everyone that tampering with company email is now considered a crime and we will have security pretend to arrest you before you make a quick getaway.
Memo #162, 11-03-2004: In an important turn of events, Beth from Accounting has a drinking problem and will be taking a few days off to sober up. If you have any payroll issues, please take it up with members of the kitchen staff in the cafeteria. Additionally, we are still receiving reports about the "rogue recyclers" and the can crushing elevator. We have redirected the focus of our Security department and now have guards posted on each floor to ensure smooth operation.
Memo #162-5, 11-03-2004: Oops. Apparently that last memo was supposed to be confidential. We would like to remind all employees that Beth from Accounting does NOT have a drinking problem and that she is merely taking a few days off on a well-deserved vacation. Great job on those end-of-year fiscals, Beth!
Memo #163, 11-21-2004: First, good news. The men's bathroom is open and back in business. PNC recommends that all employees bring an old pair of shoes to change into prior to entering the bathroom. We reserve the right to make you clean your own carpet if you do not comply. The bad news is that someone set fire to the cafeteria. No one was hurt in the incident, thankfully, but it will be out of commission for some time. We would like remind everyone that lunch is a priviledge, not a right.
Memo #164, 12-05-2004: Bill from the fourth floor has quit and we will be auctioning off his office at noon tomorrow. Seating is limited and the bidding starts at half your paycheck. Bring your own refreshments.
Memo #165, 12-16-2004: We've received numerous reports that someone keeps prank calling offices located on the third floor. Consider this memo a reminder to all employees that we have caller id installed on all phones. We urge employees to exercise caution when answering the phone from someone you don't want to talk to -- they probably only crave attention. PNC regrets that both the HR and Security staffs are tied up elsewhere and we are unable to further investigate. Please be considerate of other people in the office, especially the whiners on the third floor. Thank you.
Memo #166, 12-29-2004: Earl from Janitorial/HR has reported to us that someone has locked the new sales rep into one of the gym lockers. We would like to remind all employees about PNC Policy #175 which specifically states that employee hazing is only to be performed with express management approval. We never would have authorized something so unoriginal. At this time, we would like to introduce PNC Policy #215: If you're going to break the rules, be creative and impress us. Senior employees are again reminded that they can drop off creative hazing ideas to Jim on floor six.
Memo #167, 01-08-2005: Ok, this is the last straw. Someone has stolen the soda machine out of break room #5 and tried to crush it in the elevator. The elevator is not a toy. Someone might get hurt and then we'd have to pay disability. We would like to remind all employees that Beth from Accounting is gone so good luck filing a claim.
Memo #168, 01-24-2005: The HR staff has been returned to us from their stint at rehab. We're not sure it did any good so we have demoted them to custodial duties. Earl has been doing a great job as an HR replacement and our office has gotten dirty as hell. Please stop by the bathrooms and welcome them back.
Memo #169, 02-04-2005: Employees are reminded that writing lewd and sexually explicit content on the bathroom walls is not befitting of a professional work environment. We have decided to close down the company bar for a period of one week as punishment. Anyone caught drinking at their desks will be forced to share. Also, we'll be showing "Hellraiser" in the library at lunch tomorrow in an effort to boost company morale. Hope to see you there!
This is the end of the current batch of company updates. We trust you will enjoy your employment here at PNC, where each employee is so important we provide them a unique number to identify them with! Check back here often as this information is updated frequently.
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your first visit to the Information Center. Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may get you fired if not adhered to. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation.
Memo #157, 09-09-2004: We regret to inform all employees that the entire HR staff has checked themselves into rehab. We wish them the best of luck. If you have a pending or critical human resources issue, please see Earl in Janitorial. He will do his best to help you.
Memo #158, 09-18-2004: Jack from Maintenance has brought to our attention that a number of employees are using the elevator doors to crush soda cans for recycling. While we believe in recycling as much as the next company, there are people trapped on the eighth floor that need to get down. Email traffic suggests that they haven't eaten in almost a week. Anyone caught abusing their elevator priviledges will be taped to the flagpole for a period of no less than one day.
Memo #159, 10-01-2004: In an effort to tighten our corporate security and prevent critical information leaks, we will soon be employing a team to monitor and read all outgoing email. We regret any inconvenience that this may cause.
Memo #160, 10-05-2004: The men's bathroom is closed until further notice. There was an apparent underground explosion that was in no way related to our illegal chemical dump located in a similar area. The resulting flood has rendered the bathroom unusable. We have left numerous messages with Janitorial but apparently Earl is out of the office working on getting the company a new dental plan. Go Earl!
Memo #161, 10-17-2004: We would like to inform all employees that we will no longer be monitoring email and have fired the staff we hired to do that. One employee apparently inserted "I AM THE GRIM REAPER" fifty times at random spots in an important proposal. Needless to say, we lost. We would further like to remind everyone that tampering with company email is now considered a crime and we will have security pretend to arrest you before you make a quick getaway.
Memo #162, 11-03-2004: In an important turn of events, Beth from Accounting has a drinking problem and will be taking a few days off to sober up. If you have any payroll issues, please take it up with members of the kitchen staff in the cafeteria. Additionally, we are still receiving reports about the "rogue recyclers" and the can crushing elevator. We have redirected the focus of our Security department and now have guards posted on each floor to ensure smooth operation.
Memo #162-5, 11-03-2004: Oops. Apparently that last memo was supposed to be confidential. We would like to remind all employees that Beth from Accounting does NOT have a drinking problem and that she is merely taking a few days off on a well-deserved vacation. Great job on those end-of-year fiscals, Beth!
Memo #163, 11-21-2004: First, good news. The men's bathroom is open and back in business. PNC recommends that all employees bring an old pair of shoes to change into prior to entering the bathroom. We reserve the right to make you clean your own carpet if you do not comply. The bad news is that someone set fire to the cafeteria. No one was hurt in the incident, thankfully, but it will be out of commission for some time. We would like remind everyone that lunch is a priviledge, not a right.
Memo #164, 12-05-2004: Bill from the fourth floor has quit and we will be auctioning off his office at noon tomorrow. Seating is limited and the bidding starts at half your paycheck. Bring your own refreshments.
Memo #165, 12-16-2004: We've received numerous reports that someone keeps prank calling offices located on the third floor. Consider this memo a reminder to all employees that we have caller id installed on all phones. We urge employees to exercise caution when answering the phone from someone you don't want to talk to -- they probably only crave attention. PNC regrets that both the HR and Security staffs are tied up elsewhere and we are unable to further investigate. Please be considerate of other people in the office, especially the whiners on the third floor. Thank you.
Memo #166, 12-29-2004: Earl from Janitorial/HR has reported to us that someone has locked the new sales rep into one of the gym lockers. We would like to remind all employees about PNC Policy #175 which specifically states that employee hazing is only to be performed with express management approval. We never would have authorized something so unoriginal. At this time, we would like to introduce PNC Policy #215: If you're going to break the rules, be creative and impress us. Senior employees are again reminded that they can drop off creative hazing ideas to Jim on floor six.
Memo #167, 01-08-2005: Ok, this is the last straw. Someone has stolen the soda machine out of break room #5 and tried to crush it in the elevator. The elevator is not a toy. Someone might get hurt and then we'd have to pay disability. We would like to remind all employees that Beth from Accounting is gone so good luck filing a claim.
Memo #168, 01-24-2005: The HR staff has been returned to us from their stint at rehab. We're not sure it did any good so we have demoted them to custodial duties. Earl has been doing a great job as an HR replacement and our office has gotten dirty as hell. Please stop by the bathrooms and welcome them back.
Memo #169, 02-04-2005: Employees are reminded that writing lewd and sexually explicit content on the bathroom walls is not befitting of a professional work environment. We have decided to close down the company bar for a period of one week as punishment. Anyone caught drinking at their desks will be forced to share. Also, we'll be showing "Hellraiser" in the library at lunch tomorrow in an effort to boost company morale. Hope to see you there!
This is the end of the current batch of company updates. We trust you will enjoy your employment here at PNC, where each employee is so important we provide them a unique number to identify them with! Check back here often as this information is updated frequently.