I woke up this morning in a tent pitched on Kenny G's lawn.  This might sound strange to you but it seems perfectly logical to me, given that it's where I went to sleep last night.  I'm not stalking him; I am waiting patiently for him to come home.  I am eager to show him the new instrument I created, mostly out of a crackpipe and spare parts of a banjo that I stole from some Irish farmer.  He probably won't miss it anyway.  On it, the new instrument that is, I can only play one song, the theme to Kenny G's life, which I wrote myself.  I call it "K.G's Theme" because I like to think that Kenny and myself are friends.  If I could, I would hang around with him all day and fetch things for him as needed because, really, that's what friends do.  I wouldn't go so far as to say that I would shower or bathe with him but if that's what Kenny wanted, I would at least consider it.  Because we're friends.

I once had a plan that involved moving the Indians further west.  The only real problem that I could see would be relocating all the casinos.  Those aren't easy to move you know.  Not to mention all the maps and street signs.  You'd have to give everyone new directions.  And directions aren't cheap.  You can't just around handing out directions to anyone who asks.  That's just not good business sense.  You know what's good business?  Ice.  Moving ice around in trucks.  Apparently there is a market for that.  I was baking a cake once and I ran out of ice.  I had to go next door and ask my neighbor if she had a cup of ice I could borrow.  I found that very degrading.

I'm a night watchman by day and a day trader by night.  Pretty specialized fields.  I had to go through a lot of schooling.  Not that I passed any of it but it beats bagging groceries.  But I use the self-checkout line because I don't support communists.  Working at a retirement home is amusing.  At least the thought of it is.  After 65 years, you stop working and simply move in.  Work is now your home.  I bought a new set of fingerprints the other day because I didn't think my current ones looked very good.  And they clashed with most of my outfits.

I want to be an upstanding member in a community of people with no legs.  I wouldn't live there though but I'd be within walking distance.  I once knew a paraplegic.  He was a real pushover.  What do you do when you outgrow your bathroom?  You can't really add on to it.  That's just unheard of.  I used to be in telephone sales but we never sold any telephones.  Rotten business if you ask me.  I recently bought a matress made of rubber.  Now, whenever it gets a hole in it I can just patch it up instead of throwing it away.  Except I need to remember to rotate it every so often.  At parties, I like to tell people that I am a bill collector.  Most find it odd but I say it's better than a stamp collection.  They tend to agree, often without me resorting to physical violence.  Sometimes you just have to get your hands dirty.

I lost the key to my heart the other day and had to go to the locksmith to get a new one made.  I got a second one done which I keep under the doormat.  I think people long stopped being creative with their doormats.  That was hip in the 80's.  I bought a transparent one once but my house kept getting broken into.  Never could figure out why but I'm no detective.

I've outsourced my personal life.  Someone in India is probably having a good time right now.  At least they better be.  That's what I pay them for.  I should probably give them a call and see how I'm doing.  My workplace was raided last week by members of law enforcement.  There was a seizure.  I guess one of the agents was epileptic.  He's better now though.  I once misdialed AAA and reached AA instead.  I don't think I caught his name.  I told them that I had been drinking too much and I locked myself out of my car.  They didn't help much.  Speaking of, I hear a car approaching.  It could be Kenny coming home.

I haven't put much thought into it but I came to the conclusion today that I don't really understand life.  I mean, the point of life is existence and that the opposite of life is dying, with dying being the number one cause for people to stop living.  But as to what it all means, it's like reading a product manual in German.  Assuming that you can't read or understand German, because that would be cheating.  Everyone likes to live their life day to day, but I plan on living the afterlife by the quarter.  In fact, when I am buried, I only want my grave to be five feet deep instead of the required six feet.  That way, I can spend eternity with everyone looking up to me.

I put Jesus in the contacts list on my cell phone and gave him his own ringtone.  Hopefully I'll know when he comes calling next time.  We often have long conversations that stretch on into the night, but I get the feeling that he isn't really listening.  I like to tease him about his whole dying thing and he responds by giving me warts.  I'm not too sure where our friendship is going at this point.  A lot of people like to say that I am full of shit but in reality, I'm just constipated.  It should pass in a few days.  I went to go see a doctor about it and wound up getting a lobotomy.  I'm not really sure what I think anymore.

I sometimes spend my afternoons stalking Goth kids, which is just my way of letting them know that I understand what they are going through.  However, I don't think I will ever understand the goth culture.  Instead of saying thanks, all they ever say is, "Stop following me you freak" and "Hey Mister, stop touching my ass."  I once misspelled my name on a credit application and temporarily forgot who I was.  Maybe that's the same thing that happened to them.  I'm going through recovery now because the first covery did nothing.  Remind me to go back and talk to the guy who sold it to me.

I found myself running for my life and running away from my feelings at the same time. I caught up with my life but my feelings passed me right by. I'd like to think that I miss them but I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the whole thing.  Self-improvement gurus like to say that you need to look inside yourself to find the answer.  I tried that once and it really hurt.  I don't recommend it.  They also like to say that home is where the heart is, which is precisely why I wear a stethascope around 24 hours a day so that I don't get lost.  I wish that I could go back in time and cripple a whole village of people just to demonstrate how much time travel hurts us all.

I have two cell phones and will occasionally call the other in order to talk to my better half.  While out walking the other day, I was mugged while in a dark alley but all they took was my ambiguity.  I was pretty shook up over the whole ordeal or maybe I wasn't.  It's so hard to tell these days.  I can't imagine that a crabapple tastes very good.  Last I heard, seafood and fruit don't breed well together.  People often come up to me and mistake me for other people.  Honestly, I am tired of being kidnapped.  I plan on purchasing a dirt-colored vehicle and never washing it.  Hopefully no one will notice the difference.

I woke up the other morning only to find that I had somehow lost my innocence.  Thankfully, it was just at a neighbor's house and he returned it later that day.  I don't really take myself seriously.  In fact, I don't really take myself anywhere.  I'm more of the at home type.  A lot of people like to remark about how funny I am.  The only problem is that I don't find myself funny.  I know all the punchlines to every joke I tell.  I was thinking about retiring my car but then I realized I just bought a new set and they should last me for quite a while.  I used to have a pen pal who was illiterate.  What a waste of time that was.  I spent some time in a skydiving school but everyone considered me a drop out.  If life really is like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book, then I need to turn to page 47 now if I want to proceed through the door and page 122 if I want to continue down the hall.

When you're hanging out with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles -- and I mean really hanging out with them and not just acting like some sort of phony -- people look at you differently.  You have a certain status, a certain air about your being that they know they will never be able to match.  Another day, another sewer though.  It really is more glamorous from the outside looking in.  All they ever really talk about these days is how they have been unable to shake the "teenage" moniker that has stuck with them throughout the years.  I tried to tell them that calling themselves the "Adult Mutant Ninja Turtles" makes them sound like a traveling porn freak show but turtles are mighty stubborn creatures.  Leonardo just completed his last home schooling course and managed to finally earn his high school diploma.  All of us in the sewer are real proud of him.  It just proves the point that even mutants can be people of society, even if they are turtles.

Yesterday, I had some extra time on my hands.  It took three hours of rinsing just to get them clean again.  After doing some research on the internet, I decided that I was going to be involved in helping start a grassroots campaign.  Unfortunately, it turned out to only appeal to turf enthusiasts.  I've been thinking a lot about the opposite sex lately.  For all my faults and problems, I figured out that what I really needed was a stable relationship.  Unfortunately, dating horses is against the law in most states and I had to put that idea down for good.  There I was thinking that it was a sure thing.  Life is like an analogy.

I hid my shame the other day and I couldn't seem to remember where I put it.  It resurfaced a few days later and was a little parched, so I gave it some warm milk.  I decided that I wanted to go back to school and learn how to be an elevator repairman, just so that I could see what it was like moving up in my career.  I sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve.  I read somewhere in Vogue that it's the latest fashion craze.  I started reading such magazines because I like to think of myself as hip, but then I realized that I'm a lot more than that.  I mean, with all the cartiledge, muscles, organs, and bones, I'm actually a pretty complex being.  My favorite animal is the scapegoat and I just wish I could find a store that sold them.

Cross-dressers have a lot more fashion options than normal people and I think that I am a little bothered by that.  While out walking, I came across an angered contortionist and I tried my best to console him.  Regardless of what I said, he kept getting all bent out of shape.  I'm always looking for new and exciting ways to prepare my favorite meals for dinner time.  Last night, I opted to do it in a dress while telling silly jokes to myself.  One time decided to cook a comedian.  It's hard to say whether I did it right because the food tasted funny.  I recently saw a television ad that claimed I could take pills that would transform the shape of my body overnight.  If that's the case, I always wanted to be an octagon.  I'd show those idiots in the Pentagon a few more sides to the issue.  As I was driving home from work the other day, I saw a child get run over by a car.  I was devastated and, honestly, I still am.  I have no idea how I am going to pay for all the damage he did to my vehicle.  I once saw a FedEx truck deliver a package to the UPS Store and it blew my mind.

And now, we check in with our ace sideline reporter, Donny "Cheeze Riz" Rizzo.  He weighs in again on his dislike for Skip, the rambunctious (but few) PNC fans, and how great he is.  It's a little segment we like to call:

Rebuttin' With Rizzo

To Skippy-son,
Ha!  You talk more shit than a colon with a surgically implanted voice-box.  You need to be honest with your so-called fans (if thats even an appropriate term for a bunch of carpenter ants juiced up on Thorazine).  You stole your whole style from me and my pet sloth.  Remember that rainy night at that brothel in Saigon?  What, oh you dont?  Maybe thats cause my 'iron-squirrel-fist' had you laid out like a quadrapalegic with an equilibrium disorder.  Then my sloth had his way with you.  Oh that was rich.  Like I said, anytime, anywhere.  Bow down to the Donny-Lama.

P.S. I am your father.

Sometimes, and by sometimes I don't mean right now but on other occasions that fall into the same time frame, I just want to call up Brad Pitt and ask him if he wants to grab a cup of coffee or something. Truthfully, I don't even like coffee but what I do like is the idea of being able to tell people that I had coffee with Brad Pitt. You know, just leave all of that celebrity crap at home -- we're just two normal guys out for coffee. I'd offer to pay, of course, but he'd likely say "I got this one" because he knows that all of my money is tied up in offshore drilling. We'd make small talk, come up with nicknames for one another, and maybe hold hands for a while. No gay stuff, though. Just two dudes hanging out holding hands in a coffee shop. Our time together would be short but the memories and the awkwardness of me trying to kiss him afterwards would last a lifetime. Me and Brad Pitt: BFF.

I'm married now but I've been through more than my fair share of relationship experiences. I used to date this chick who had a lazy eye. Things were going well but I had to call it off because she kept seeing someone on the side. After that, I started dating a track star. It's a funny story about how we met since we just kind of ran into each other. My next girlfriend was an epileptic and the relationship was always a bit shaky. One time, I decided to give the blind date thing a try but wound up calling it a night very early because I just couldn't see where the evening was headed. My last girlfriend and I had a terrible time together. She would always complain that my behavior was rash so I ate an entire tube of Desitin in hopes that it would cure it. The ensuing coma was the best thing that ever happened to me.

While I was walking down the street the other day, I tripped on some uneven pavement and fell flat on my forehead. The doctor said that I had suffered a hairline fracture. I once had a friend who was really short and I used to look down on him all the time. I recently came down with a case of both deja vu and amnesia at the same time. Now I can't remember whether I've seen things before. My breakfast was interrupted this morning after I noticed a runaway train on the side of a milk carton. I once received sound advice from a street mime but if you ask him what it was, I bet he wouldn't tell you. Recently, I opened up a new chain of businesses catering to comedic funeral services. Our slogan is "We'll leave you in tears."

All parents want only the best for their children and I am no exception. I want my kid to be the smartest child in the world, which is why I named him "9/11" so that he'd never forget. I once knew a man who was convicted of a SIDS-related accident but I never really felt that he got his fair shake. I recently hired a relocation service to help me with a bowel movement. Such things are best left in the hands of professionals. I called up Mary Kay the other day and asked if they had any genetic make-up that I could buy. The lady on the phone tried to sell me some mascara. I asked, "What's that for?" and she replied, "It runs in the family." I once knew a man with no legs who wore an invisibility belt. Apparently, he just couldn't stand to be seen around me.

I have a book at home containing the names of every single serial killer in America listed in alphabetical order. I'm a fan of organized crime. I joined NAMBLA a number of years ago just to see what all of the fuss was about. However, I quit shortly after enrollment because I found the organization as a whole too childish for my tastes. I recently received a letter from the Treasury Department saying that they had gotten wind of one of my enterprises and asked me to shut the business down. Apparently, after I outsourced most of the work to some homeless people, my entire operation wound up smelling funny to them. When I inquired as to how they found out, they mentioned that they had put together a team of yellow jackets for a sting operation. I spent most of the day yesterday battling an amputee in unarmed combat and barely escaped with my life. They say that life is worth living but I'd like to think that mine is worth a bit more than that. I guess we'll have to wait until the results are in from the eBay auction.