When I was in Japan last month on tour defending my Ultra Heavyweight Wrestling Championship belt against Godzilla, I came across a couple of tough street youth-types during my travels.  These kids were from what they called "the hood" and when I asked what they did all day, they mentioned something about "reppin' the streets and holding the block down."  I thought that was mighty noble of them and then began to question whether or not they had gravity in the poor sectors of Japan.  That's the only reason I could see for needing to hold one's block down all day long.

Still, despite our language barrier and other insurmountable obstacles such as height, weight, and the fact that I have three arms, we managed to get along rather well.  These youths took me under their wing and before I knew it, I was "slangin' cane" like a pro!  I also learned that it's hard "rep your city" without at least a passing knowledge of rap music.  I learned all about the likes of Young MC, MC Hammer, and Digital Underground.  Things were fresh and dope and pretty much everyone replied with "Word up!" to whatever you said.  There was some scratching and kids were breaking it down where ever you looked.  I even went out and bought me a nice four-finger ring and something the kids called a "gold rope" in order to better help me fit in.

Flash forward thirty days and imagine my shock when I realized that those crazy Japanese kids were about twenty years behind the popularity curve.  MC Hammer is bankrupt, Young MC isn't quite so young anymore, and Digital Underground lost one of their best backup dancers when he was bitten by a mosquito and transformed into Tupac.  Never one to be caught out of the loop, I decided to hit my local library and find out what I had missed during the past twenty years of rap history.  Unfortunately, I contracted a severe case of ADD and didn't have the time or patience to get much past 1990.  Much to my relief, this is ok because one of the most prolific rap songs ever made came out in the year of 1990.  I'm talking about "Ice Ice Baby" by master hitmaker Vanilla Ice, who only happens to be the third most successful white rapper of all time.  He is topped only by the guy from 3rd Base and that one guy from the Fat Boys who always carried around the boombox.

Sadly, while most of the known universe heard, danced, and owned a copy of "Ice Ice Baby," very few people have ever taken the time to really sit down and figure out what it all means.  I have, and I am here to share my results with you.  Please note that my findings may shock those who are of a weak heart.  Additionally, if you're mormon, you too will probably be shocked, but likely for other reasons.  So, without further ado, I present you part one of the deconstruction of the rap mgea-hit Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.

Verse One

"All right stop, collaborate and listen"

Ice starts out his magnum opus with force, letting you know that he is the one in control here.  As with most rappers, he's telling you what to do; in this case, that you need to stop whatever you are doing and work on listening with any people in your immediate vicinity.  This is a common theme found throughout late 80's/early 90's rap music, evidenced by the opening line of "The Humpty Dance" by Digital Undergound which begins "Alright stop what you're doing."  Apparently it was very important that you not be doing anything else while listening to these songs and, in Ice's case, it's best if you don't listen alone.  You might need the moral support.

"Ice is back with my brand new invention"

Here, Ice does what is typical of the white American male, which is to claim credit for something he had no part in making.  One can infer that Ice is referring to rap music as his invention, which would be false, but it's entirely plausible that Ice is reffering to some other invention he created.  However, if the latter is the case, he goes into no further detail as to what that invention is.  Perhaps the patent arrangements fell through.

"Something grabs a hold of me tightly"

Ok, really, this doesn't make any sense, even to a great literary scholar such as myself.  After speaking briefly about his invention, he jumps straight into something holding him tightly.  Now, this could be a reference to a straight jacket or perhaps a mother's nurturing hug, but, again, he fails to elaborate on what exactly is holding him tightly.

"Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly"

Harpoons flow?  Perhaps he is trying to allude to us that he doesn't flow very well, which may be why he compared his flow to that of a harpoon.  If anything, harpoons sail.  Maybe it was his life-long dream to become a sail boat captain but his parents forced him into this damn "rap thing" and this is simply his way of rebelling.  Whatever the case, he makes sure to point out that he does it both daily and nightly, which is 24 hours a day, and that makes me wonder when he has the time to sleep.  Even imaginary sail boat captains need sleep.

"Will it ever stop? Yo -- I don't know"

Mr. Ice asks the eternal question that we've all been asking ourselves.  Unfortunately, he is unable to provide much beyond a less than satisfactory answer.  Also, at this point you begin to notice a trend in the lyrics to this song: Vanilla tends to jump from one topic to another seemingly without care or concern for the people that he demanded stop and listen to him.  Perhaps that is why he asked us all to collaborate, because it'll take a group of us to keep pace as he continues to change topics more often than a doctor changes rubber gloves.  I'm still left unfulfilled because I often wish to know what happened to the harpoon mentioned above.

"Turn off the lights and I'll glow"

I don't know about you but I don't think that this could possibly be a good thing.  Perhaps he was exposed to radiation as a child or something.  Either way, I can imagine that people in the early 1990's invited Vanilla to parties not because of his musical talents but because he made a good table decoration.

"To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal"

Vanilla is letting you know here that he's is not just normal, he is extreme.  Extreme like Right Guard.  Unfortunately, I am not sure how one can rock a mic like a vandal.  Vandals were members of a Germanic people that overran Gaul, Spain and sacked Rome in 455.  I'm not sure that they even had microphones back then.  But that's just how deep Vanilla gets.  He gives you a history lesson while he's rapping to you.  White rap forever!

"Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle."

What I believe he is trying to say here is that he will take the competition and continually dip them in hot wax until they form into a candle-like state at which point he would then light them on fire in order to provide stage lighting for his show.  How very inventive of him.  He's conserving electricity and cutting power costs at the same time.  And they say rap people are usless.  He's an environmentalist for Christ's sake.  Of course, if he's not referring to that, than I have no idea what he is saying with that line.

"Dance, bum rush the speaker that booms"

Now, for those who are not hip to the lingo, a "bum rush" is a means of attacking someone or something (usually by a group) with the reckless abandon and fervor of one who has nothing to lose.  So, apparently, even though you've already stopped and gathered a group friends together to listen, you've now been directed to gather those same friends and dance while at the same time attacking the speaker that booms.  Hopefully this speaker is not a friend's speaker or the speaker of someone you know personally because it may be damaged during all the dancing and bum rushing.  If are you are alone and/or not good at dancing, you are not allowed past this point in the song and you can only return when you are able to follow all the directions properly.

"I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom"

There are many kinds of poisonous mushrooms out in the wild with names such as Amanitas, False Morels, Jack-O'-Lantern, and Green-spored Lepiota.  Vanilla Ice is saying that he is a lot like these types of mushrooms.  Therefore, you should not confuse Vanilla Ice with those types of mushrooms which are non-poisonous (or edible) such as Puffballs, Shaggy Mane, or Coral Fungi because he is nothing like those.

"Deadly, when I play a dope melody"

And lo!  Beware when Vanilla decides to play a dope melody because he might be deadly.  I believe I once saw an episode of the Crocodile Hunter when he came across Vanilla Ice when he was playing a dope melody.  Let's just say that it almost didn't turn out well for Steve Irwin.  Vanilla Ice is not as strong or as wily as Steve Irwin.

"Anything less than the best is a felony"

Thankfully, this isn't true, or the people who shop at Walmart religiously would be in jail.  Actually, come to think of it, the people who do shop at Walmart religiously should be in jail.  Vanilla Ice was merely a pioneer that was ahead of his time in this regard.

"Love it or leave it, you better gain way"

Basically, what he is saying here is that on the surface, you have two choices: you can love it or leave it.  However, it doesn't really matter which one you choose because you only have one real choice which is to gain way.  Apparently Vanilla Ice never read any of the Choose Your Own Adventure books.  So, depending on what "it" is, you may want to either love it or leave it but, in the end, you had better just make sure that you gain way or else you may face some time in the penalty box of death.

"You better hit bull's eye, the kid don't play"

Again with the changing of topics on the fly.  I think this may be a follow-up reference to the harpoon mentioned above but I can't be sure.  Decoding Ice's lyrics is sometimes akin to trying to make heads or tails of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics.  In other words, there is a lot of guess work involved.  Still, he makes his point clear.  He was never allowed outside during recess because he was such a bad-ass in school and if you ever want to challenge him, make sure that there is some kind of bull's eye target around so that you may have some chance at winning.

"If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it"

Switching gears from his "I'm a deadly poisonous harpoon mushroom" thing, Ice spends the last remaining bar showing us his softer side.  He's reaching out to the neighborhood where he grew up, showing them that they can be anything they want to be.  In Vanilla's case, he opted to become a private detective and is willing to lend a hand to anyone that needs help.  For example, if your bird ran away or your pet cat is in a tree, be sure to call on Vanilla Ice because he can solve the problem with minimal effort.

"Check out the hook while my dj revolves it"

Hook?  Possibly another allusion to the mythical harpoon?  Sadly, no.  A hook, for the uninitated, is a slang term sometimes used by superstar rappers to describe the chorus of the song.  Here, Ice is letting us know that we can contemplate all of our problems while his DJ revolves "it" for a while.  In my opinion, this is a very well placed "hook", since it allows the listener time to meditate on his or her problems for a number of bars without missing anything crucial to the song.  Then, whenever such a problem is discovered, you can simply relay that back to Vanilla Ice and he will solve it for you.

Unfortunately, that is all the time and space that we have available today.  Be sure to stay tuned for part two of this on-going series as we unravel the mystery that is Ice Ice Baby.  Verse two is coming up next.

Today we continue with part one of the next installment of our in-depth coverage and investigation into what can only be described as the epitome of rap music.  It's all downhill after this, folks.  To recap part one, in case you decided to be cool and jump straight to part two without bothering to read the original, Ice was all over the place.  He went from giving orders, to making candles, to talking about a harpoon.  God does he love that harpoon.  As promised, here is a look at verse two from the hit single, "Ice Ice Baby."

(Note that this verse is really, really long.  Like porn star long.  I have split it up and will be posting the second part of part two at another time.)

Verse Two (Part One)

"Now that the party is jumping"

Every few years, a fad or trend comes along that people blindly follow to death before it dies out and is never heard from again.  In early 1990's, jumping was considered cool.  Kris Kross made "Jump" and House of Pain had us "jumping around."  In fact, unless you had someone at your party that was jumping, it's quite likely that no one would be talking about how "dope" it was the next day.  Here, Vanilla begins verse two under the assumption that, by now, especially having heard verse one, someone (if not the entire party) is likely jumping.  You may find one person that looks like he is jumping but, when questioned, it turns out that he is a basketball player and is only trying to see if he can touch the ceiling.  He's testing his "hops."

"With the bass kicked in, the vegas are pumpin'"

Remember that speaker bum rush back in verse one?  Yeah, that's where your bass got kicked in.  Thankfully, your speakers still work despite the beating and now the vegas are pumping.  Which is a good thing in case you didn't know.  And it's not "vegas" like Las Vegas, but more like "vega" and plural.  Vegas are small, midget-like creatures who are made of milk.  Come on folks, this is common knowledge.

"Quick to the point, to the point no faking"

If Vanilla really was serious about being quick to the point, this song would only have one verse and not three.  I call bullshit.  Either that or he is talking about how poorly he performs in bed.  Does Vanilla Ice take cold showers?  You know, to keep himself playing the part for being cool as ice?  What if it's a warm summer day?  Does he melt?  Crap, I think my brain just exploded.

"I'm cooking mcs like a pound of bacon"

If you are an MC, beware.  Vanilla Ice may cook you like bacon, which is to say that he may either use a frying pan or perhaps wrap you in a paper towel and put you in the microwave.  High, 45 seconds.  You really just don't know with this guy.  He has so many verbal weapons, not to mention ways to cook bacon, that if you ever find yourself in a head-to-head rap battle, it's over with before you know it.  I imagine that the people in Vanilla's crew get a little tired of eating bacon night after night, what with all the winning he does.  It surely can't be good for their cholesterol level.  He could just go and buy that pre-cooked bacon.  Then he wouldn't have to waste all that time cooking it.

"Burning them if theyre not quick and nimble"

Watch out.  Vanilla will turn the stove on and just leave you cooking if you're not fast and agile.  It's not that Vanilla Ice doesn't care; he just doesn't care about you.  When the best thing you get from Vanilla is bacon-themed metaphor, you know you're not high on his priority list.

"I go crazy when I hear a cymbal"

I once thought that a cymbal was street slang for injesting PCP, at which point I also used to go crazy whenever I "heard" a "cymbal."  But after doing extensive research on the internet, I found out that a cymbal is actually a percussion instrument and is not edible.  It took me quite a while to wonder why Vanilla would go crazy over a percussion instrument.  Maybe he had a strange phobia about brass plates or perhaps a deep-seeded hatred for anything that you can hit with a drumstick.  More likely, however, is that Ice simply was exposed to a retard or two in his elementary music class and those retards always got to play the percussion instruments.  They sit there all day, banging away nonsensically, causing non-stop racket.  Yeah, I think I'd go a little crazy too.

"And a hi hat with a souped up tempo"

Did you know that "souped" isn't even a word?  Sure, we all know what it means to have something "souped up" but you at least expect some proper grammar from the greatest white rapper ever.  So he likes his tempo with a little chicken noodle.  I guess that never hurt anyone.

"I’m on a roll and it’s time to go solo"

As I mentioned previously, if you've been following along thus far, you'll know that Vanilla changes topics more often than elderly people change their diapers.  The last few lines have been pretty non-sensical and merely consist of Ice talking about how much he really likes music.  However, he's letting you know now that he doesn't just like music, he likes music only when he is standing on bread all by himself.  I'm not sure why he would be standing on a roll, or what the symbology means, but he's definitely using it as a vehicle to distance himself from you and everyone else he knows.  Additionally, while I am not aware of Vanilla Ice ever teaming up with anybody but the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, he's making it clear to you that he rides solo, perhaps on a vehicle made of bread or some other doughy concoction.

"Rollin’ in my 5.0"

Continuing his his newly started tradition of bread metaphors, here Ice advances us with a bit more insight into his mystery.  From the sounds of it, sure, he might have made it big as a successful white rapper but, deep down inside, all he ever wanted to be was a baker; to spend his life rolling dough 5 times or perhaps during an earthquake with a 5.0 magnitude.  Honestly, I don't know.  White people can be so confusing.

"With my rag-top down so my hair can blow"

The dictionary defines "rag-top" as slang for "a convertible automobile" which, I guess, is something like a transformer.  Remember that guy Optimus Prime?  He was a big robot who could turn into a semi truck whenever it suited him.  Ice is a lot like that.  He changes from an automobile into the greatest rapper of all time.  He's not doing it for you; he's doing it because he really likes music and he wants his hair to blow while he tells you all about it.  He also plays the harpsicord but that's only when he's alone.

"The girlies on standby waving just to say hi"

Here is where Ice really gets to let his remedial education shine through.  I mean, I'm no IQ record holder myself, but I'm trying to wrap my mind around what else someone waving at you could possibly mean aside from "hi."  Unless they were some kind of model-for-hire, paid for by some rich billionaire tycoon to stand on a street corner and wave because he has a perverse fetish.  Ok, there is also the scenario where someone might be dead or seriously injured and they would be waving as a means to try and flag you down.  Maybe you could get help or something.  I guess Lassie has the day off.  Whatever.  The point is that in the early 90's, girls would routinely stand by and use their hands to communicate the fact that they wanted to say hi.  Vocalizing or otherwise conveying the fact that you wanted to say hi was simply not an option back then.

"Did you stop no I just drove by"

To the casual listener, one who simply is unable to comprehend Ice's greatness as a poetic master, you might begin to question why Vanilla Ice would simply keep driving after loads of potentially gorgeous women were waving just to say hi.  They were obviously interested, right?  Well, maybe he was in a hurry or something.  Maybe he had just poured a bowl of cereal for breakfast and realized that he had no milk so he was running to the store to get some more.  Vanilla Ice is a machine.  Vanilla Ice is infallible.  You question his motives because you simply can't wrap your mind around how great he is.  Vanilla passed these ladies up for a reason that your simple brain simply can't process.  Either that or he's gay.  Take your pick.

"Kept on pursuing to the next stop"

Roughly translated into uptight white people speak, this line simply states that Vanilla Ice kept driving after he passed the women on the corner, the same women who may or may not have been waving for reasons other than to say hi.  He may have driven up to one mile or less, depending on how the stoplights are arranged in Miami.  I haven't been there and the city planner isn't returning my calls.

"I busted a left and I'm heading to the next block"

Vanilla Ice is a lover, not a fighter, despite the fact that he opted not to pick up the ladies on the corner.  Perhaps they were hookers.  Ice is above paying for sex.  Anyway, the term "busted a left" has nothing to do with boxing or fighting, which is exactly what stupid people think it means.  Despite the fact that he has his rag-top down so his hair can blow, I am quite sure that during this driving interlude, Vanilla is wearing his seatbelt and obeying all of the local traffic laws.  I'm sure that he is driving the speed limit and using his turn signals whenever he needs to bust a left.  Of course, he probably does the same thing when he busts a right except, you know, he uses the other turn signal.

"The block was dead"

Yeah, Ice, I bet you're kind of regretting not picking up those women a few blocks back, huh?  I mean, here you are, traveling a number of city blocks and what does it get you?  Now the block is dead.  (Note that this doesn't mean that there are all kinds of dead people around or that there is a cemetary here.  Urban people like to take words and bring new meaning to them.  Really, just try and follow along.)  You could have been having fun a few blocks back but nooooo, you had to pass them up so that your hair can blow a little more.  Now you've got a dead block and messed up hair.  This is a fine pickle you've gotten yourself into, Ice.

"Yo so I continued to A1A Beachfront Avenue"

Finally!  A destination and an end to this driving nonsense.  I tried to find Beachfront Avenue on Mapquest and got nothing.  I'm not sure if it really exists.  Perhaps this is some kind of big joke that Ice is playing on everyone.  Or perhaps he's on acid and really thinks that he is there.  I can only hope that this mythical Beachfront Ave is worth passing up the girlies and driving through all the dead blocks to get to.  Like some kind of holy promised land or something.  A promised land filled with eagles and leprechauns, working in unison to overthrow the fascist regime.  Oh, and they have brownies there, too.  Really good ones, like with a carmel swirl or something in the middle.  I'd like to think that Beachfront Avenue really is like that.  And it is... in my mind.

And that's that.  Bacon and driving, that's what Ice is all about.  Do you think he eats bacon while driving?  I mean, that's kind of dangerous when you think about it.  Maybe that's why he didn't want to stop and pick up those chicks.  They would have eaten all of his bacon and he was damn hungry.  Do you think he has some kind of gadget in his dashboard that cooks the bacon for him?  Like some kind of futuristic Jetson-style appliance?  That would be sweet.  In my next car, instead of a glove compartment, I am going to install a George Foreman grill.  Aside from all the delicious bacon that I can cook up during rush hour, should I ever get pulled over, when the cop asks me for the registration I can just pull out some bacon and give it to him.  He'd probably only let me off with a warning after that.  I mean, who doesn't like bacon?  Communists don't like bacon.  You're not a commie, are you?

Read Verse One
Read Verse Two (Part One)

Hello ladies and gentlemen.  Much to my regret, it has been quite some time since we last stopped, collaborated, and revisited this topic.   For the uninitiated, while on a pilgrimage to Myanmar late last year to help overthrow a fascist regime of locusts, I came across some ancient scrolls containing the lyrics to the long-forgotten masterpiece "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice.  While the song itself was a hit and, sadly, fooled millions of white people into thinking that they could rap, much of the song's magic was ultimately never fully appreciated.   This is largely due to the fact that most people are idiots.

Oh, sure, I bet you were doing the running man in your sequined outfit just like the rest of us, but I bet you never stopped to really try and understand what the song meant nor what was going on through the lyrical master's head when he wrote it.  I did, and it became my quest to spell out in laymans terms just what you've been missing all of these years and the spiritual enlightenment that comes with it.   Sadly, this journey has not been a short one.  It has taken me almost a full year to get this far and I am only 2/3rds of the way through.  However, there are some very valid reasons for this.

I have thus far covered the first verse in it's entirety and last brought you the first half of the extremely lengthly second verse back in May.   While there is certainly no bad part of this masterpiece, the action that is "Ice Ice Baby" does slow down during the remainder of the second verse.  You see, just as Shakespeare had his "The Two Noble Kinsmen" and 007 had his 1967 Casino Royale, so to does Vanilla have his moment when he's not at his best.  However, it should be noted that Vanilla not at his best is still three times as good as Jesus in his prime.   Since I have made decoding this masterpiece a priority, I wanted to make sure that I got it right the first time regardless of how tough the text was to decipher.  So, without further ado, I give you the finish of Act II of the brilliance that is "Ice Ice Baby."

I still dress like this.

Verse Two (Part Two)

"Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis"

When we last left Vanilla Ice, he had just arrived at his next destination, namely A1A Beachfront Avenue, after a lengthy driving adventure that was pretty much uneventful.  Now, while I was unable to actually find Beachfront Avenue on any map of Florida, that's not to say that it didn't actually exist.  Ice is a lot smarter than us and this was the 90's.  Maybe some kind of hurricane or something carried it off out to sea just like Atlantis.  In the end, it matters little for who are we to judge whether Ice was really there or not.  Maybe he ate some bad jello or something and was on some kind of acid trip.   Regardless, proving his worth as a literary genius, he wastes no time in describing to his audience exactly what the scene was like over there on Beachfront Avenue.  Apparently, it was hot.  I mean really hot.  It was so hot that people opted to break all kinds of decency laws and wear less than the required amount of clothing.   The girls in question may have in fact been sweating because they were so hot but in typical Ice fashion, he pretty much ignores the women after this and never mentions them again.  You can draw you own conclusions about his preference.

"Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis"

Now, I am not the first scholar to have studied these texts and I likely won't be the last.  However, there is one thing that everyone can agree on: no one knows what the hell this line is supposed to say.  The above translation is pretty much the accepted verbage but it doesn't really clarify anything.  When pressed for an answer, even Vanilla Ice refused to clear the air about it, opting only to say "I don't even like rap music" which actually explains a lot.  Doing any kind of internet search for "rockman" only leads to numerous Nintendo fan sites because there was apparently some Japanese video game character named Rockman.   If you ask me, it sounds more like a queer idea for a comic book character than anything.  Oh, look at me!  I'm Rockman!  I can, well, lift rocks!  Still, despite all the confusion surrounding this line, Ice still manages to grab major points from the judges by being the only rapper in recorded history to actually rhyme the word "lamborghini."   It's complexity is the primary reason why hip-hop as a whole has stuck with more conventional car names like Bentley and Escalade.   Even when Ice fails, he wins.

"Jealous 'cause I'm out getting mine"

It's hard to know precisely who Ice is claiming is jealous of him or what exactly he's out getting.  If you've followed the plotline that he's laid down in verse two, he's basically just done a lot of driving around alone in his 5.0, while there is apparently no small shortage of people driving better cars than he is and plenty of girls who won't give him the time of day.  Ok, I suppose if you were wheelchair-bound or maybe blind, you might be jealous of Ice because of his mobility or the fact that he can at least see all of the girls that he isn't getting, but aside from that, I've known keggers at retirement homes that have more action than Ice has described thus far.  Frankly Ice, you can have yours.  I don't want it.

"Shay with a guage and Vanilla with a nine"

Despite my aforementioned adoration for Ice and his genius, you really do have to take the things that he says with a grain of salt.  You see, while Shay is his deejay and I'm sure they went on tour a lot together, Ice made it quite clear earlier in the verse that he was rolling solo and neglected to mention any stop where he may have dropped by Shay's house and picked him up.  Now, maybe Shay was already down on Beachfront Avenue hanging out and Ice just happened to run into him.  Convenient, of course, that they would both be carrying guns.   I can't count the amount of times that I have gone down to the beach and, in addition to packing my sunscreen and beachball, I made sure to also grab my shotgun.  Such things can be so important when building sand castles.  Of course, since it's possible that Beachfront Avenue doesn't exist, maybe this whole encounter is a fictional work by Miami's greatest poet.  If that's the case, I suppose we can lend Ice some leeway here in how he tells the story.  Or maybe Shay is really just Ice's imaginary friend and he's been with him the whole time.  I wonder if it's legal to carpool with an imaginary friend.

"Ready for the chumps on the wall"

The scene started out so peacefully with Japanese video game characters driving cars and really hot girls who may or may not have been sweating but, as with any tale, danger is never far away.  You see, somewhere along Beachfront Avenue is a wall and apparently this wall attracts a lot of chumps.  Ice, in his infinite wisdom, knows full well where this wall is and is quite prepared for facing such chumps when he passes by this wall.    We are not sure of the number of chumps along this particular wall since Ice doesn't give us any raw data but we can be assured that with all the firepower that he and his "friend" Shay have, they're entirely ready to deal with whatever threat these chumps pose.

Possibly how the chumps on the wall may have looked.

"The chumps acting ill because they're full of eight ball"

Now, you may be telling yourself, of course they're feeling sick if they are standing around eating billiard balls but then I would be standing right next to you telling you that you're wrong.  You see, here Ice takes the opportunity to inject some slang words into the mix, ensuring that he keeps his audience on their toes.  In thise case, "eight ball" has nothing to do with the game of billiards but instead refers to Olde English 800, which many street hoodlums referred to as "8 ball."  Commonly served in 40 oz bottles, this rare liquor was quite adept at getting one "tore up from the floor up" and would provide an immediate explanation as to why said chumps were "ill" if they consumed too much.  Of course, it also explains why the chumps were on the wall in the first place as it's likely that they were unable to stand without falling over.  Don't people know that being drunk in public is a crime?  Such rampant disregard for the law is why I could never live in Miami.

"Gunshots rang out like a bell"

It's unfortunate that Ice chooses to go with brevity here for he never explains who was doing the shooting or why they started shooting.   Presumably this is because Vanilla Ice ain't no snitch.  If it was the "ill chumps" that Ice had been previously talking about, why did they suddenly start shooting and at who?  Were they shooting at Ice because they felt threatened by his mysterious ways?  Did they think that due to his lyrical nature, he might be forming humilating rhymes about them to tell at a later date?  It seems that we'll never know.  Lastly, why do their guns sound like musical instruments?  If bells were weapons, a church choir would be a dangerous foe indeed.

"I grabbed my nine all I heard were shells"

I'm not going to sit here and call Ice a liar -- I'm just saying that he tends to be overly contradictory.  You see, a mere five lines back, Ice already told us that he had his nine but after apparently hearing gunshots, he goes to then grab his nine again.  Secondly, he says that all he can hear is shells, but he just got done telling us all about how he heard gunshots and bells.  I mean, really, if there were any gunshots, he'd still be hearing echos and probably people screaming, not some serene John Woo scene where everything goes quiet and then maybe some doves fly by.  Stupid doves always getting in the middle of gunfights.  Anyway, I'm not sure why Vanilla feels the need to constantly mislead his listeners and the thought that he might actually be lying makes me feel nearly as sick as the 8 ball chumps back on the wall who possibly fired shots almost maybe in the directiion of Vanilla Ice perhaps.

Also beware of falling shells.

"Falling on the concrete real fast"

While it's quite possible that in the heat of the moment, our eyes and brain do play tricks on us, it's become quite obvious after hearing this line that Vanilla skipped most of his science classes in high school.  Had he attended, he would know all about the laws of gravity and know that everything falls at the same speed.  The idea that these shells were somehow falling "real fast" is a slap in the face of every learned professor everywhere.   Of course, since it's become Ice's trademark to leave out little bits and pieces of the story, it's entirely possible that he somehow jumped through some kind of space/time warp and now maybe things like shells do fall real fast.  I wouldn't put it past Ice to have invented time travel also.

"Jumped in my car slammed on the gas"

Up until this point, if you've been following along, it has been presumed that The Notorious I.C.E was still rolling solo in his 5.0, especially since he never told us that he got out of the car.  Granted, when one arrives at their intended destination -- Beachfront Avenue in this case -- they generally park and disembark but you can never assume anything when it comes to Ice's tales.  As such, assuming he did get out of his car at some point, I as a listener feel a little jilted that he left out something so vital to the story.  For example, it would explain how he ran into his friend Shay and how he perhaps pissed off the chumps on the wall.   Maybe they were playing marbles or something and Ice came along and wasn't paying attention so he accidentally kicked one of the marbles and screwed up the whole game.  That's something worth shooting over if you ask me.  On the other hand, if Ice never left his car, it does beg the question as to why he would be jumping around in his car, especially if it's moving.  Not only is that against the law, it's just dangerous.   Like some form of perverse reverse ghost riding.

"Bumper to bumper the avenue's packed"

As has been demonstrated over the course of this song, especially if you take Ice's jumping around while driving into account, Ice isn't exactly concerned with following traffic laws and the safety of others.  Not only is Ice jumping around in his car, but he's slamming on the gas despite the avenue clearly having a heavy traffic flow.  The cars are obviously bumper to bumper and there is Ice jumping around and gunning his engine.  Heck, he's probably causing rear-enders left and right with his reckless behavior.  Ice, don't you think the other motorists would like to get away from the gunshots same as you?  You're not going to get away any faster by being an asshole.

"I'm trying to get away before the jackers jack"

Well, duh, Ice.  So is everyone else.  Why do you think that there was traffic in the first place?  Honestly though, maybe Ice shouldn't be so full of himself.  Now, while I still don't know what a rockman is, at least they were driving Lamborghinis.  You?  You're driving a 5.0.  Granted, you have a ragtop (so that your hair can blow) but let's be honest: that's not really increasing your resale value that much.  Of course, it's entirely possible that Ice isn't being urban at all here.  Perhaps he accidentally parked himself outside of an adult video store and there are some people soliciting handjobs for a few dollars.  Maybe he's just trying to escape that.  I know I would, unless they had soft hands.

"Police on the scene you know what I mean"

Oh yeah, Ice, I know what you mean.  You see, I've been involved in some street altercations myself over the years and while some cops tend to have slower response times to certain neighborhoods, they will no doubt arrive on the scene eventually.  Especially if someone is jumping around in their car like a strung out meth addict and revving the engine while outside of an adult store.  Also, there may be some people who are upset at their marble game may or may not be shooting in your direction.   So, I definitely know what you mean, brother.  Still, I'm not saying that you made this up or anything but I think saw this same thing on Cops once.

"They passed me up confronted all the dope fiends"

You know, that's just typical of you rap types.  Always talking about how the police roughed you up and treated you unfairly.  Maybe they pulled you over for no reason or maybe harrassed you while you were standing peacefully in line.  No, there is no way that they would have suspected you of being high, trafficking drugs, or perhaps raping a... wait, what's that you said?  The police passed you up?  You mean they left you alone while continuing to harrass others?  Why, that's a miracle!   Oh, wait, no it's not.  Ice, I hate to break this to you but you're white.  Of course they passed you up.  They likely had some minorities to bust.  Yes, I'm sure you were doing plenty of illegal things but so were the minorities.  Probably.  And if they weren't, doesn't it make you feel that much safer that the cops at least checked them out?  I mean, they COULD have been doing something wrong.  You never know.  Because of their fine work, you live to enjoy Beachfront Avenue another day.

"If there was a problem yo I'll solve it"

As I said earlier, I'm not one to call Ice a liar but I am going to have to raise my hand and disagree here.  You see, there were a number of problems that just happened, Ice, and you failed to solve any of them.   Unless by using the term "solve" you meant to run in the opposite direction and hope that you were swift enough to evade bullets and jackers while the police cleaned everything up.  If that's the case, fine work.   I will be sure to look you up next time I need any help in that arena.

"Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it"

It's hard to say much about this line since Ice ends every verse in the song the exact same way.  However, as stated, it's nice that Ice can provide a little more direction for the clueless listener.  I mean, maybe this is the first rap song that you ever heard and you have no idea what you're supposed to do when the hook comes around.  At least now you have some idea.  You check it out.  Like at a library.  His DJ will revolve "it" while you check it out.  Is the DJ revolving the hook?  Or does "it" refer to something else?  Ice doesn't tell you because Ice wants you to think for yourself.  Ice wants you to fill in the blanks.   Ice wants you to be his police force on the scene after he's already tried to get away.  Help Ice get away.  Not just this time but every time.

At long last, we have finally reached the end of deconstructing the second verse and that means that we are two-thirds done with the song.  Thankfully, for the third verse, Ice returns to doing what he does best, namely bragging about himself and his rhymes.  I'm not one to try and critique someone as great as Ice but it's become plainly clear that that is what he does best and that he should try and leave telling stories to people more adept at it than he.   Ice just has a tendency to tell really shitty stories which may or not be true, but in doing so, he leaves out way too many details and the reader just winds up confused.  So, if you will, join me next time on the final part of our journey through Ice's opus.

The year was 2005 and I was on a Skip Walker world tour of the Asia Pacific region to shamelessly self-promote my greatness and to look for more Gremlins to feed after midnight. After receiving a reliable tip from an unreliable drunken sailor, I found myself in a little shop tucked away in a far corner of whatever city I was in at the time. Disappointed at the distinct lack of Gremlins to be had, I was about to put my cigarette out in the shop owner's eye when I stumbled upon what could only be called the eighth, ninth, and tenth wonders of the world. In front of my eyes lay three parchment scrolls, each containing one entire verse to the greatest rap song of all time, Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby." After picking up my jaw and self-respect off the floor, I had a moment of pure enlightenment and my path to the future was clear. It was my duty to decipher the true meaning of the song lyrics and spread this knowledge to the world.

When I first started my journey down this lyrical yellow brick road, I figured that I would be able to make quick work of the project and move on to other things. Probably similar to how Ice thought that he'd be able to follow up "To The Extreme" with anything that didn't sound like complete horseshit. I mean, Vanilla Ice isn't exactly known for dropping science. Unfortunately for us, we were both wrong. You see, while I was able to knock out the first and second verses in under a year, I clearly underestimated the depth of the third and final verse. It contained a deeper, more complex meaning than I had previously seen; a verse that, on the surface, looked like it written by a 12 year old but in reality was more along the lines of The DaVinci Code mixed with National Treasure.

It has taken me almost five years but I am happy to announce the completion of the deconstruction of the third and final verse of the "Ice Ice Baby." Read on and become a better person.

(Read the "Deconstructing Ice" series in its entirety here)

Verse Three

"Take heed, cause I'm a lyrical poet"

Ice starts out his final verse with a very simple directive. You, the listener (and I suppose anyone who might be sitting near you), should be paying attention to Vanilla Ice because he is a lyrical poet. Never mind the fact that you've already listened to the two previous verses of this song, the quality of which is only rivaled by what Ice plans on bringing down in the third verse. You're a Vanilla Ice fan. Of course you're paying attention. It's just that Ice realizes that you've been away listening to all four bars of the hook and he feels the need to remind you that he is the one who has been rapping this entire time. Rapping lyrically. Like a poet would do. Please do not try and compare Ice to those poet-types who do not talk lyrically because that comparison would not be apt.

"Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it"

If you're starting to see a pattern of Vanilla Ice stating the obvious and bringing up things you already know, welcome to the blueprint for the third verse. It's not that Vanilla Ice thinks that you're dumb but more along the lines that he is trying to impart some very specific nuggets of wisdom on you before the song ends and he is running out of time. You see, despite the fact that he has been rapping about Miami non-stop for the previous two verses of the song, Ice just wants to make it very clear to you that it is Miami he's talking about. Not Miami, Idaho either. Miami, Florida. I am pretty sure that no town in Idaho can be considered "on the scene."

"My town, that created all the bass sound"

While I am in no position to question the almighty Ice's claims since I feel that, ultimately, history will confirm my suspicions that he is the greatest musical artist of all time, I would be remiss if I didn't raise a question here that has been causing me some confusion. What town is he talking about? I mean, you'd probably just assume Miami but without Ice verbally reiterating what he means and beating us over the head with it, I'm left a little dumbfounded. I tried to do some internet research on the history of bass to try and clarify his statement but after Wikipedia didn't provide the answer, I got bored and watched a bunch of cute puppy videos on Youtube.

"Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground"

I'm no expert on sound or safety by any means but I would think that a stereo system that could physically create holes in the ground based on bass output is something that wouldn't go over well with the modern consumer. Especially if the stereo system was prone to shaking the entire place prior to kicking holes in the ground. Like, I don't even understand how a stereo system could do that. Did it come with some kind of metal boot or jackhammer attachment? Maybe if the bass got over a certain level and you resided in a house in or around the Miami area, it would activate and just go nuts kicking holes all over the place. Honestly, it doesn't sound all that great to me but if Ice recommends it, maybe I should look into it. Maybe I can find one on sale so that I can have some money left over to repair my floor.

"Cause my style's like a chemical spill"

What? Your style is hazardous to the listener's health? Your style is the responsibility of a global oil company who ignored safety regulations in search of profit? Your style kills wildlife in the gulf coast? Your style can be defeated with garbage and golf balls? Your style is sticky and gets all over everything making a huge, gigantic mess that will damage the environment for years? If your style is anything like those aforementioned things, I'm not sure why you would adopt that style. In the future, please think about using metaphors that make sense.

"Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel"

Reminder: Vanilla Ice is a lyrical poet. However, not all lyrical poets are created equal. While most lyrical poets have rhymes, not all of those rhymes are feasible and an even smaller subset of those rhymes can you actually vision and feel. In fact, it takes a very special type of lyrical poet to come up with the idea that someone could "vision" his rhymes and I think we, as Vanilla Ice fans, owe it to ourselves to start using the word "vision" in a more Ice-tastic sense. "Hey! You better slow down. Don't you vision that stop sign up ahead?" Maybe Jimmy Cliff can make another comeback hit with, "I Can Vision Clearly Now That The Rain Is Gone." One can only hope.

"Conducted and formed, this is a hell of a concept"

Yes, words that are conducted and formed in a rhythmic manner while accompanying background music is indeed a hell of a concept. Whoever came up with being lyrical whilst telling poetry should get a prize. And that prize should be the pleasure of listening to Vanilla Ice conduct and form rhymes for the next ten years. Speaking of rhymes, anyone notice that Ice stopped rhyming any actual words in the past couple of lines? I don't care how idiotically you say the word "spill" it doesn't rhyme with "feel." Vanilla Ice knows irony.

"We make it hype and you want to step with this"

Just to bring you up to speed, in case you left your late 80's urban dictionary at home, "hype" is a good thing and when someone is hype about something, that means they are excited about it. To "step" is to dance, so Ice is talking about making "it" hype enough that you will want to dance with what he is providing musically. Just don't think about what Vanilla Ice is saying too hard during this time because you might wind up getting "hype" for all the wrong reasons and then accidentally "step" on Ice's face while on your way out the door.

"Shay plays on the fade"

Look, I'm not the type of person to really delve into other people's business but I'm also not the type of person to stand around when I see an injustice occurring. An injustice like, I don't know, hiring someone named "Shay" to be your DJ and instead of putting in a lot of work for you, he's just standing there playing on the fade. Given that you're the one telling me about his actions, it sounds like you already know of this behavior and condone it. I don't understand. He has a job to do. You, as his boss, should be enforcing and encouraging good work ethic. The only person that should be allowed to get paid for playing with a fade all day is a person who holds the job title of "fade player." Last I checked, DJ does not equal fade player. Also, I am not 100% sure that this line isn't some kind of sexual innuendo and until I have it figured out, I am going to kindly ask that you tell Shay not to play with his fade around children just to be safe.

"Slice like a ninja, cut like a razor blade"

OK, maybe I am reading too much into this but this "Shay" character seems quite dangerous. I mean, one minute he's running around playing with his fade in front of anyone with $5 and the next he's jumping up and down like an idiot in pajamas waving a sword and cutting shit in half. And while he might have the speed of a ninja, he never learned how to be quiet like one so he's making all kinds of noise. When you point out the fact that you can see and hear him sneaking around with his sword and fade, he puts his finger to his lips and goes "Sssshhhh." I didn't read up much on the actual subject but I'm going to take a while guess and say that real ninjas don't say "ssshhhh."

"So fast, other DJs say, 'Damn'"

While much of what Ice has said during this third verse has been brought into question, I can confirm that, in the very least, this statement is true. During my five-year investigation into these lyrical masterpieces, I have interviewed a number of different DJs in mahy cities and of all skill levels and they have all said "damn" at one time or another. Some of those "damns" could have even been about how fast Shay plays on his fade but I honestly can't be sure. I wasn't taking notes. But I am pretty confident in backing up Ice's claim that other DJs do at one time or another say "damn" and I think if I saw Shay playing with his fade really fast, I would also say "damn." Damn.

"If my rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram"

Imagine if you will a world where Vanilla Ice's rhymes were drugs, rhymes that are being sold not by the song but by the gram. Sure, the rhymes would be legal and widely available for a while until some suburban teenagers would misuse and overdose on them. The Government would get involved and after some lab testing, would label his rhymes a Schedule I controlled substance and made illegal. Ice's rhymes would be sold underground for a while until a movement would pass Congress making medical Ice rhymes legal in some states. If you could convince your doctor that you needed Ice's rhymes for medical reasons, he would issue you a card that you could redeem at rhyme dispensaries for some of the good stuff. Thankfully, that never came to pass. You can still go to Sam Goody and pick up some Ice rhymes. Or grab it off iTunes. Digital Ice rhymes. Whatever. Pick your poison. Still, if I were Vanilla Ice and my rhymes were actual drugs, I don't think I would nickel and dime around. My rhymes would be sold by kilo. Fuck a gram.

"Keep my composure when it's time to get loose"

Ice never fails to point out where his behavior contradicts any normal, sane human being. For example, back in verse two, Ice talks about seeing a number of really fine ladies on the street wearing less than bikinis. Would you stop? Yes. Did Ice stop? No, he just drove by. Now, here in the middle of the third verse, he does it again. He's very adamant about keeping his composure despite the fact that it is clearly time to get loose. You can't even debate that it is some other time other than "get loose" time because he goes out of his way to tell you it is time to get loose. That's like keeping your hunger when it's time to eat dinner or something. It doesn't make any sense but that is just one of the 15 different reasons that Vanilla Ice takes things TO THE EXTREME.

"Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice"

Ice, I'm no scientist of medicine or anything but what you describe there sounds kind of serious. Did you ever get yourself checked out? Like, maybe it's a chronic medical condition or something. Perhaps an involuntary leg seizure. Whatever it is, it doesn't sound good. Are you allergic to magnetism maybe? I'm not trying to be invasive; I just want to get to the bottom of your juice kicking habit when you're getting magnetized by the mic. Maybe you should look into better shielded equipment? I mean, if your microphone is seriously causing you to kick over boxes of juice every time you touch it, perhaps you should look into a different vocal enhancement instrument? Like maybe a megaphone or perhaps a regular telephone that is somehow connected to a really loud speaker? I don't know how that all would work out -- I'm just throwing out possible suggestions. Do you have a sign at your shows that says something like "Please do not feed the Vanilla Ice?" Because I could see some very upset promoters that book you only to find out after the fact that there is juice spilled all over the place. Does your contract stipulate that you should never perform on carpet? I'm just asking because juice stains are really hard to get out of carpet. You should think about these things. You're never too big a star to stop being respectful.

"If there was a problem yo, I'll solve it"

Look Ice, we get it. You solve problems when they arise. You've told us that three times already. You're a great problem solver. Hooray! But honestly, you should be a bit more careful about what you boast about because you never know, someone might actually put you on the hook to solve something one day. Take BP for instance. I bet if you asked them in 2009 how they felt about oil spills, they'd say, "Oh, well, if there was a spill, we'd clean it up." It's all fun and games hypothetically but one day, a spill or a problem does come and then what? Now everyone is looking at you to solve it like you said you would and frankly Ice, having sat through three excruciating rap verses with you, I just don't think that you are capable of doing much more than telling incomprehensible stories. Stories don't solve problems, unless your problem was that you were bored and wanted a story, but that's kind of rare.

"Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it"

These words, they are bittersweet. On one hand, they provide me release from pouring over these infernal documents containing your written word. On the other, it does signal the end of the greatest thing ever put on paper. After this, there is nothing but some words that you are saying to my mother for whatever reason. I'd suggest not bringing her into this mess but you're probably going to do it anyway. And your DJ will be sitting there revolving it the whole time. Oblivious, and in a way, I envy him. You see, he is with you all the time but his role requires him to wear headphones so he doesn't have to listen to your shit. It's the best of both worlds. So, without much else in the way of an official sign-off and the end of five years of laborious work pouring over your every written word, I say revolve on, DJ. Revolve on. I hope that hook lasts forever.

If you have any suggestions for songs that could use deconstruction, hit me up at skipwalker@pollestad.net