They say that there are only two constants in life -- death and taxes -- but as an immortal being who doesn't feel that he needs to share his monetary gains with the government, I call bullshit on that one. But instead of wasting a bunch of our time together lamenting about how a quote from some archaic douchebag isn't relevant to me and my position of power, I'd like to provide an updated, technologically correct revision to that theory for the new millennium. Call it theory 2.0. You see, for as long as places like Nigeria and China exist, the only constant for anyone with access to email will be the ever-increasing flow of spam messages. Well, that and death, I guess. I'm pretty sure that still applied. Last I checked, owning a computer doesn't automatically grant you the ability to live forever, though I would like to make clear that I haven't done any kind of research to back up that claim. (If it's true, holy shit!)
Unlike most people, I like spam. I like reading it. I like pretending that my supreme genetic heritage somehow entitles me to receive insane offers on all kinds of products just because. Heck, if it were possible, I'd even make love to spam. Just me and spam, sexing it up, and I'd keep myself going all night long using the very dick drugs that they constantly try to sell me. I'll know how much time we spend going at it too, since I'll also have a very nice knock-off watch that I got on the cheap to tell time with. That's the nice thing about spam -- you know it'll never tell anyone your dirty little secrets no matter how bad you treat it.
But my love for the unsolicited does have its drawbacks. You see, ever since my alter-ego Roger Garrison went on his trip to tour Europe (read: rehab), this site and my life by proxy hasn't been as spam-filled as it could be. It's been more than six months since the last Spamtastic Adventure and that is far too long a drought to satiate my need to talk to some banker from Burma who is holding money for me. To aid in the withdrawal, I've dedicated today to going through my spam folder and finding the special messages among them that require a closer look and ridicule. Many are about sex. Some are not. None of them will be funny. Enjoy!
Just for the record, I want to state that I bought it this way and it's small on purpose. The guy at the music store said that the miniature trumpet would be easier to carry around while providing at least equal sound quality. I only have a very small suitcase and space is limited on the city bus, so I purchased what worked best for my needs. The instrument isn't "small" but rather "compact." While I think that it's great that you're offering an instrument trade-in program to allow people to up size, I just want to say that I am happy with the current size of my instrument and it best suits my usage habits. If you are talking about penises, please disregard this naive response.
Unlike most spam, this email snippet speaks the truth but I really have trouble getting beyond the fact that it contains a really strange comparison. That's like saying, "Hey, playing is traffic is bad for little kids... but buy these oranges because they are awesome." One doesn't really have anything to do with the other. What do the pills even do? Are they for puppies? Do they cure fleas? Are they suitable for my flea-ridden dog who has erectile dysfunction? The subject says for me but I am not a dog. Now I am just confused. Whoever the head of marketing is over at asakonet.co.jp ought to be fired. Horrible advertising.
The key idea behind spam is that the subject line should contain some information that the intended recipient would find interesting, thus causing them to open the email. Even if you do a complete bait-and-switch and try to sell me a fake watch, it never hurts to have the title be something like "Free tickets to Disneyland inside." But umbrellas? You're coming at me with umbrellas? I fucking hate umbrellas. I intentionally live in a part of the country where I don't need an umbrella and even if I did not, how many umbrellas do you think a person needs? One, maybe two at most. An umbrella of the month club? Does the sun even shine where you live? Are other people you know critical of you if you use the same umbrella twice during a single rainstorm? Do you get mocked openly if you're using a "summer" umbrella during a fall storm? If you had to stop and pause even briefly before answering any of the above questions, just kill yourself. Seriously. But, hey, if by chance you didn't have an umbrella, at least the misspelled one in the subject line is on sale. Or at least it was. I have no idea when they sent this message to me.
Look, far be it from me to downplay what a large penis does to one's attractiveness scale but I'm fairly certain that if I added a few inches down there, it wouldn't make women want to sex me any more than they would have before. Unless I can find that super elusive woman who isn't bat shit crazy and is attracted to an overweight 30-something male with sagging man boobs and a drinking problem. Well, for the record, they don't actually specify that they are talking about penis enlargement, so making it "big and strong really cheap" could just mean they offer discounts on gym memberships or something. When it comes to spam, I just assume penis. Just like meeting women in San Francisco.
Yes! We need more spam like this. I didn't even have to include a snippet from the email because the subject alone is simply overflowing with positive. For one, they spelled my name right. That's not something difficult for an American to do but you gotta give the foreign author credit for at least getting all the letters in the right order. (American bulk mail outlets could learn a lesson or two.) Second, they are offering me savings. I don't know what they are selling but who gives a shit? I'm saving money and that is what is important. And then? Not only am I (probably) saving a fuck ton of money on whatever it is I am buying from these guys, after I do that, someone named Boeing Wiley will help me! Fantastic. I don't even know what he's going to do but it doesn't matter. He's helping me and for that, I thank you Mr. Wiley. Keep on flooding the internet with your customer-oriented service.
OK, I have some doubts about whether this will work but I'm game: "I can have sex all night long" ! Now what? Do I just wait and see what happens or was that some kind of magic word that was supposed to change everything immediately? Is this something I have to keep saying every day or was it a one time improvement? Also, I said that out loud in a British accent because I thought it might improve the chances of it working. Hopefully that didn't break the magic spell. Either way, it's daytime now, so I guess I'll have to wait a few hours until the sun goes down before I know. Hopefully my Real Doll and Fleshlight are up to the task.
Oh, is that the reason I haven't been able to get many guys? Because I'm not wearing the necklace you're selling me? I'm not calling you a liar or anything but I just figured that ass-less chaps and a sign taped to my back that "free entry" would be a more direct route to solving my man companion problems. But maybe I'm wrong. I mean, I'm not in the man-getting product business like you, so I suppose I should weigh your advice a little heavier than my own misguided opinions about stuff. As for the second part, I'm trying to figure out where the cuff links come into play. I mean, if I already have an awesome "mantraction" necklace and all the guys are jocking me now, why the hell would I give my manager cuff links? Won't he already be entranced with my necklace? Or maybe he'll fire me for sexual harassment because the workplace is not the appropriate locale for hitting on him and showing him my jewelry. Oh well, at least I'd have more free time to get men.
Yes, stupid. It's me. That's the funny thing about how email works. I set up an email address and give it to people, specifically so that they can reach me. It's an address that is unique to me, so that people don't have to waste my fucking time asking me if it's me that they sent the email to. Can you imagine how wasteful the internet would be if everyone did that? That's why you're still single and will probably die alone, Alison. Because you suck at life.
Yeah, all these so-called "gurus" and their new methods of getting you money. I mean, if they are so smart, why are not talking about banner ads on your site? You know, the same revenue stream which hasn't worked in three years because nobody clicks on fucking banner ads. They don't sound very smart to me at all. Pffft. They probably take three minutes to spell check their messages to prospective business clients too. What a waste. Real businessmen spell like five year old Chinese kids. Everyone knows that. Of course, I never quite got the full impact of what this guy was trying to sell me on because he decided not to follow the "gurus" advice and attempted to put one of these underrated banner ads inside the email, which promptly got chewed up by the spam filter. So, pretty much the only valuable info that I was able to glean from this email is that there are people out there who have more effective methods of getting me money and that I should stop listening to whatever it was this guy was trying to tell me. Done! Who says spam doesn't work?
And with that, the spam express is pulling back into the station. Maybe you enjoyed what we did together today. Maybe you did not. I don't personally have an opinion on the matter because your feelings and concerns are beneath me. One thing is for certain though, I'll be back with more spam because it's all I know. If you don't die from asphyxiation, I'll see you next time!
Unlike most people, I like spam. I like reading it. I like pretending that my supreme genetic heritage somehow entitles me to receive insane offers on all kinds of products just because. Heck, if it were possible, I'd even make love to spam. Just me and spam, sexing it up, and I'd keep myself going all night long using the very dick drugs that they constantly try to sell me. I'll know how much time we spend going at it too, since I'll also have a very nice knock-off watch that I got on the cheap to tell time with. That's the nice thing about spam -- you know it'll never tell anyone your dirty little secrets no matter how bad you treat it.
But my love for the unsolicited does have its drawbacks. You see, ever since my alter-ego Roger Garrison went on his trip to tour Europe (read: rehab), this site and my life by proxy hasn't been as spam-filled as it could be. It's been more than six months since the last Spamtastic Adventure and that is far too long a drought to satiate my need to talk to some banker from Burma who is holding money for me. To aid in the withdrawal, I've dedicated today to going through my spam folder and finding the special messages among them that require a closer look and ridicule. Many are about sex. Some are not. None of them will be funny. Enjoy!
From: donahue5@ftc-2.com
Subject: If you have a small instrument, than our enlargement program is for you.
Just for the record, I want to state that I bought it this way and it's small on purpose. The guy at the music store said that the miniature trumpet would be easier to carry around while providing at least equal sound quality. I only have a very small suitcase and space is limited on the city bus, so I purchased what worked best for my needs. The instrument isn't "small" but rather "compact." While I think that it's great that you're offering an instrument trade-in program to allow people to up size, I just want to say that I am happy with the current size of my instrument and it best suits my usage habits. If you are talking about penises, please disregard this naive response.
From: 4707e085.3020807@asakonet.co.jp
Subject: For you
Snippet: Fleas are extremely dangerous for newly born puppies! But these pills are superb!
Unlike most spam, this email snippet speaks the truth but I really have trouble getting beyond the fact that it contains a really strange comparison. That's like saying, "Hey, playing is traffic is bad for little kids... but buy these oranges because they are awesome." One doesn't really have anything to do with the other. What do the pills even do? Are they for puppies? Do they cure fleas? Are they suitable for my flea-ridden dog who has erectile dysfunction? The subject says for me but I am not a dog. Now I am just confused. Whoever the head of marketing is over at asakonet.co.jp ought to be fired. Horrible advertising.
From: totesisotoner@reply.bm23.com
Subject: Umbrella of the Month: Mistle totes Umbrella on Sale Now
The key idea behind spam is that the subject line should contain some information that the intended recipient would find interesting, thus causing them to open the email. Even if you do a complete bait-and-switch and try to sell me a fake watch, it never hurts to have the title be something like "Free tickets to Disneyland inside." But umbrellas? You're coming at me with umbrellas? I fucking hate umbrellas. I intentionally live in a part of the country where I don't need an umbrella and even if I did not, how many umbrellas do you think a person needs? One, maybe two at most. An umbrella of the month club? Does the sun even shine where you live? Are other people you know critical of you if you use the same umbrella twice during a single rainstorm? Do you get mocked openly if you're using a "summer" umbrella during a fall storm? If you had to stop and pause even briefly before answering any of the above questions, just kill yourself. Seriously. But, hey, if by chance you didn't have an umbrella, at least the misspelled one in the subject line is on sale. Or at least it was. I have no idea when they sent this message to me.
From: perfunctorily83@researchtalk.com
Subject: We know how to make it big and strong really cheap. Become a guy that every girl wants to make love with.
Look, far be it from me to downplay what a large penis does to one's attractiveness scale but I'm fairly certain that if I added a few inches down there, it wouldn't make women want to sex me any more than they would have before. Unless I can find that super elusive woman who isn't bat shit crazy and is attracted to an overweight 30-something male with sagging man boobs and a drinking problem. Well, for the record, they don't actually specify that they are talking about penis enlargement, so making it "big and strong really cheap" could just mean they offer discounts on gym memberships or something. When it comes to spam, I just assume penis. Just like meeting women in San Francisco.
From: ekyco1860@mammothnetworks.com
Subject: randy, save by ordering here. then Boeing Wiley helps
Yes! We need more spam like this. I didn't even have to include a snippet from the email because the subject alone is simply overflowing with positive. For one, they spelled my name right. That's not something difficult for an American to do but you gotta give the foreign author credit for at least getting all the letters in the right order. (American bulk mail outlets could learn a lesson or two.) Second, they are offering me savings. I don't know what they are selling but who gives a shit? I'm saving money and that is what is important. And then? Not only am I (probably) saving a fuck ton of money on whatever it is I am buying from these guys, after I do that, someone named Boeing Wiley will help me! Fantastic. I don't even know what he's going to do but it doesn't matter. He's helping me and for that, I thank you Mr. Wiley. Keep on flooding the internet with your customer-oriented service.
From: administrator@asian-marine.com
Subject: Discounted drugs at discount Canadian pharmacy.
Snippet: Say "I can have sex all night long" !
OK, I have some doubts about whether this will work but I'm game: "I can have sex all night long" ! Now what? Do I just wait and see what happens or was that some kind of magic word that was supposed to change everything immediately? Is this something I have to keep saying every day or was it a one time improvement? Also, I said that out loud in a British accent because I thought it might improve the chances of it working. Hopefully that didn't break the magic spell. Either way, it's daytime now, so I guess I'll have to wait a few hours until the sun goes down before I know. Hopefully my Real Doll and Fleshlight are up to the task.
From: birchji148@1904gear.com
Subject: Become noticeable with this necklace and you will have a lot of guys. Present your manager Hermes cufflinks, he will be glad.
Oh, is that the reason I haven't been able to get many guys? Because I'm not wearing the necklace you're selling me? I'm not calling you a liar or anything but I just figured that ass-less chaps and a sign taped to my back that "free entry" would be a more direct route to solving my man companion problems. But maybe I'm wrong. I mean, I'm not in the man-getting product business like you, so I suppose I should weigh your advice a little heavier than my own misguided opinions about stuff. As for the second part, I'm trying to figure out where the cuff links come into play. I mean, if I already have an awesome "mantraction" necklace and all the guys are jocking me now, why the hell would I give my manager cuff links? Won't he already be entranced with my necklace? Or maybe he'll fire me for sexual harassment because the workplace is not the appropriate locale for hitting on him and showing him my jewelry. Oh well, at least I'd have more free time to get men.
From: billy@kfmerch.com
Subject: Alison sent you a message.
Message: "It's you? :-)"
Yes, stupid. It's me. That's the funny thing about how email works. I set up an email address and give it to people, specifically so that they can reach me. It's an address that is unique to me, so that people don't have to waste my fucking time asking me if it's me that they sent the email to. Can you imagine how wasteful the internet would be if everyone did that? That's why you're still single and will probably die alone, Alison. Because you suck at life.
From: kelsimays@gmail.com
Subject: The simple, overlooked technique
Snippet: Banner ads are soooo UNDERRATED...
I mean all the so-called "gurus" out there tell you different new methods or systems that we both know that will require more hard works than they claimed... But they never talk about something as simple as banner ads on you're website...
Yeah, all these so-called "gurus" and their new methods of getting you money. I mean, if they are so smart, why are not talking about banner ads on your site? You know, the same revenue stream which hasn't worked in three years because nobody clicks on fucking banner ads. They don't sound very smart to me at all. Pffft. They probably take three minutes to spell check their messages to prospective business clients too. What a waste. Real businessmen spell like five year old Chinese kids. Everyone knows that. Of course, I never quite got the full impact of what this guy was trying to sell me on because he decided not to follow the "gurus" advice and attempted to put one of these underrated banner ads inside the email, which promptly got chewed up by the spam filter. So, pretty much the only valuable info that I was able to glean from this email is that there are people out there who have more effective methods of getting me money and that I should stop listening to whatever it was this guy was trying to tell me. Done! Who says spam doesn't work?
And with that, the spam express is pulling back into the station. Maybe you enjoyed what we did together today. Maybe you did not. I don't personally have an opinion on the matter because your feelings and concerns are beneath me. One thing is for certain though, I'll be back with more spam because it's all I know. If you don't die from asphyxiation, I'll see you next time!