Whenever I finally find the courage to take some well-deserved time off from posting funny things on the internet that I stole from other, much better sources, there is always a 40/60 chance that I'll never come back. Sure, I told you a few times that I would return in 2010 but the honest truth is that more than half of what I say isn't true, including the less than half of the stuff that I just claimed to be true. I know that this revelation is hard for you to believe but that's because you're stupid and gullible. Hey, don't look at me because your parents raised you poorly. (Look at me because I am sexy.)

While I might not have been born with a taste for truth-telling, I am unfortunately cursed with the inability to make rational, sound decisions and despite my better judgment -- which, let's be honest, even at its peak is only about 30% good -- I decided to make a return to the internet website which once made me famous. This announcement may be heralded by some of you as wonderful news and I for one applaud the fact that you're not letting your Down syndrome impact your ability to be blindly happy. Way to use that extra chromosome for good! For the rest of you, well, I can only apologize in advance for yet another year of swallowing whatever inane bullshit I decide to cram down your throats.

But no good hiatus can end without me returning to tell you in great detail about all the wonderful things I did while I was away. What you see below is like the Pollestad.Net equivalent of vacation photos. I get to talk about how much fun I had and constantly remind you that if maybe you had worked a little harder in life, you wouldn't be poor and you could have come along on the trip with me. But hey, living vicariously through the adventures of someone else isn't necessarily a bad things, right? Anyway, enjoy reading about all of the cool stuff that I got into since we left each other in 2009.

Taught a parallel parking course at a retirement home for Asian women. It went about like you would expect it to.

Got caught between a rock and a hard place.

Passed go and collected $200. Was subsequently carjacked on Baltic Avenue and watched the crooks make off with everything.

Hosted a steroid party for Mark McGwire. Judging by our combined testicle shrinkage, I would say the party was a great success.

Passed gas and blamed it on the dog.

Visited three Friday's restaurants and told them that it was my birthday just so they would have to drop whatever they were doing and sing to me.

Purchased a baby on the African black market so that I could ride in the carpool lane.

Tried to single-handedly verify that Toys R Us really did have a million toys that I could play with. Lost track after 20,000 or so and was too lazy to start again.

Paid $12 for a $5 foot long.

Used a Ouija board improperly and was raped by a ghost.

Started a new food catering business hoping to break into the previously untapped market of providing meals to people attending hunger strike protests. Went bankrupt three days later.

Went #2 in the kitchen of a local McDonald's restaurant. An after-the-fact survey found that customers were unable to taste a difference.

Thought long and hard about what to get Jesus as a gift for his birthday. Eventually settled on a $10 iTunes gift card and sent a bunch of 80's glam rock band suggestions his way.

Said disparaging and racial remarks about the President while in the presence of an author writing a tell-all gossip book about Washington. Was surprised at the public backlash.

Attempted to patent break dancing and was rejected.

Picked up two Mexican laborers in the Home Depot parking lot and promised them a better life. Ten minutes later, I wound up dropping them off clear across town and ditching them because, honestly, all minorities should know by now that a white person's promise is meaningless.

Called up some people I know in Haiti and asked, "what's shakin'?"

Invented a new dairy drink in my backyard which brought many interested male onlookers from around the neighborhood. After repeated requests from these visitors about the recipe for the concoction, I said that I could teach them but that I would have to charge money for the service I was providing.

Paid myself an incredibly huge financial end-of-year bonus even though I clearly did not deserve one. Wound up blowing it all on an ice cream sundae.

Got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

Lost three pounds but quickly found them at the bottom of a keg filled with liquid cheese.

Finally perfected my methods for creating a vaccine which cured both cancer and AIDS while making obese people skinny again. Unfortunately, before getting a chance to write it down, I tripped over the dog that for whatever reason I let hang around my science lab and was knocked unconscious. After waking up, I realized that I really wasn't qualified to work in a science lab with my criminal background and promptly set the entire lab on fire.

Got a tramp stamp.

Got pieces of tupperware implanted in my face because I'm a fan of plastic surgery.

Was arrested by police after they caught me on a street corner aggressively shoving a Slim Jim into my "exit only" slot while screaming "beef jerky, come and get me!" Spent two weeks in jail.

Danced with wolves.

Talked about sex, baby. Talked about you and me. Then I talked about the good things and bad things that may be.

Had a baby with John Edwards.

Spent 30 minutes punching myself in the crotch area because I read some post on a message board that doing so would cause $1 bills to come flying out of my ass. That didn't work, obviously, but I continued the process for a second half hour because I liked the tingling sensation it caused.

Decided that devoting myself to writing horrible things on the internet for another straight year would be a valuable use of my free time.

So, now with the easy stuff out of the way, I guess it's back to work at the campus for me, pretending to pay imaginary people fake money to come up with make-believe stories for a sham of a website. Contrary to any false reports you may have heard, that is actually a lot of work. While I don't imagine that we'll be able to churn out the kind of updates we did in 2009, I'll crack my fictional whip as much as I can to make sure that things sort of get kind of done. Mostly.