Hello Employee #15294!
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and important company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your sixth visit to the Information Center. We admire your dedication. Welcome back.
In the event that you have contracted amnesia, possibly by using the vending machine located in Building R, you can get caught up on previous installments by clicking here.
Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may result in you getting chained to a Zamboni if not adhered to. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation in both understanding and complying with the matters contained herein.
Memo #818: We are happy to announce a new corporate-wide promotional contest where employees can enter to win a trip to the moon on us! Sales productivity will be tallied throughout the remainder of the month and the winner will be given an all expenses paid trip into space with no strings attached. Please set up a meeting with your local HR rep if you have any questions and/or are confused as to what space or the moon is.
Memo #819: Upper management has received numerous reports from people visiting the break rooms in building D12 that the lemonade being dispensed from the fountain machine isn't lemonade at all but rather a mixture of saltwater and paprika. We are pleased to announce that no deaths have been reported and security has informed us that one out of every three employees randomly selected to be interviewed at gunpoint said that they prefer the D12 lemonade over traditional flavors.
Memo #820: We would like to take this time to remind all employees that beggars can't be choosers because if they were, they wouldn't be beggars at all but rather choosers. PNC Policy #195 specifically states that we can discriminate against choosers if we so desire.
Memo #821: Whenever possible, employees are now encouraged to avoid using the phrase "dead weight" around floors 5 and 6 of building H. Apparently this offends the obese zombie demographic that inhabits that section. We would like to take this time to remind all employees that gym memberships are a beneficial way to keep in shape and just because we don't offer them to you for free doesn't mean that you shouldn't have one.
Memo #823: There have been reports from "survivors" of the Wild Animal Cafeteria in Building P3 that the food being served there has been coming alive and attacking them. Security is too busy to investigate such ridiculous claims right now but until they can, employees are encouraged to avoid ordering the Lion Sandwich or the Rattlesnake salad. Upper management feels that this is only common sense and really regrets having to waste a memo on such trivialities.
Memo #824: We skipped memo #822 on purpose. Please stop pointing this out to us.
Memo #825: HR would like to remind all employees that everyone in the workplace deserves equal respect and treatment from fellow workers unless management has deemed otherwise. (See PNC Policies #651, #768, and #471 outlining which ethnic groups are fair game.) Having said that, we would like to take this time to announce that the evil vortex operating out of Building W is a productive member of the company and should be treated as such. We encourage any and all employees to work closely with him on the completion of your projects.
Memo #826: Some employees have reported to HR that the entire seventh floor of Building F has gone postal. At first, we were happy to report this as we assumed "postal" was some kind of motivational slang to encourage people to work harder and while this may still be the case, productivity as a whole has dropped continuously since this was first announced. At this time, we would like to encourage employees in other buildings not to follow suit with going postal since this doesn't really appear to lead to anything worthwhile and may be cause for dismissal if not expressly approved by your acting supervisor.
Memo #827: HR has recently received some complaints from employees in sector 4 of Building A that the water distributed from the tap has an odd color to it and may be potentially hazardous to their health. The PNC execs would like to assure all employees that employees stationed in said section of the building are not scientists and despite providing some evidence which we ignored, they probably have no idea what they are talking about. This would be a good time to remind all employees that drinking from the fountains in the lobby is strictly prohibited.
Memo #828: We would like to alert all employees stationed in building S that a recent seismic event has caused the robotic security force patrolling the building to go haywire and enter "seek and destroy" mode. Now, before anyone is alarmed, this mode is nothing like it sounds but employees are encouraged to stay in their offices with their doors locked until further notice. On a completely unrelated topic, employees are also encouraged to remember PNC Policy #397 which states that the company cannot be held liable for employee deaths resulting from flagrant disregard of instructions outlined in corporate memos and benefits will not be paid out in those circumstances.
Memo #829: In light of the reports about many employees disappearing from Building W, upper management has decided to ask that any employee working closely with the evil vortex please resort to emails and telephone calls in lieu of face-to-face communication. We would also like to assure all employees that while it may seem that these two events are related, they are not. Our memo writer recently got back from a new seminar which taught the cutting-edge technique of encapsulating two things that have nothing to do with one another inside the same paragraph. It's all the rage in Europe.
Memo #830: The recreation room in building U has finally been completed and is now open to all level C employees. Users of this new room are encouraged to use their imaginations when recreating as no effort was spent to actually fill the room with anything recreational.
Memo #831: We're happy to announce that Bill Wilson from Building D is the winner of our recent "Trip To The Moon" promotion. As the winner, Bill was launched into space with no strings attached. Literally. We put him into a huge catapult, pointed it towards space, and launched him in to the atmosphere. We've since lost contact with him but we would like to assure his friends and family that this is merely because he is enjoying his vacation and doesn't wish to be disturbed. Happy orbiting, Bill!
You have reached the end of all current updates. Please remember to check back frequently in order to catch up on all available information.
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and important company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your sixth visit to the Information Center. We admire your dedication. Welcome back.
In the event that you have contracted amnesia, possibly by using the vending machine located in Building R, you can get caught up on previous installments by clicking here.
Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may result in you getting chained to a Zamboni if not adhered to. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation in both understanding and complying with the matters contained herein.
Memo #818: We are happy to announce a new corporate-wide promotional contest where employees can enter to win a trip to the moon on us! Sales productivity will be tallied throughout the remainder of the month and the winner will be given an all expenses paid trip into space with no strings attached. Please set up a meeting with your local HR rep if you have any questions and/or are confused as to what space or the moon is.
Memo #819: Upper management has received numerous reports from people visiting the break rooms in building D12 that the lemonade being dispensed from the fountain machine isn't lemonade at all but rather a mixture of saltwater and paprika. We are pleased to announce that no deaths have been reported and security has informed us that one out of every three employees randomly selected to be interviewed at gunpoint said that they prefer the D12 lemonade over traditional flavors.
Memo #820: We would like to take this time to remind all employees that beggars can't be choosers because if they were, they wouldn't be beggars at all but rather choosers. PNC Policy #195 specifically states that we can discriminate against choosers if we so desire.
Memo #821: Whenever possible, employees are now encouraged to avoid using the phrase "dead weight" around floors 5 and 6 of building H. Apparently this offends the obese zombie demographic that inhabits that section. We would like to take this time to remind all employees that gym memberships are a beneficial way to keep in shape and just because we don't offer them to you for free doesn't mean that you shouldn't have one.
Memo #823: There have been reports from "survivors" of the Wild Animal Cafeteria in Building P3 that the food being served there has been coming alive and attacking them. Security is too busy to investigate such ridiculous claims right now but until they can, employees are encouraged to avoid ordering the Lion Sandwich or the Rattlesnake salad. Upper management feels that this is only common sense and really regrets having to waste a memo on such trivialities.
Memo #824: We skipped memo #822 on purpose. Please stop pointing this out to us.
Memo #825: HR would like to remind all employees that everyone in the workplace deserves equal respect and treatment from fellow workers unless management has deemed otherwise. (See PNC Policies #651, #768, and #471 outlining which ethnic groups are fair game.) Having said that, we would like to take this time to announce that the evil vortex operating out of Building W is a productive member of the company and should be treated as such. We encourage any and all employees to work closely with him on the completion of your projects.
Memo #826: Some employees have reported to HR that the entire seventh floor of Building F has gone postal. At first, we were happy to report this as we assumed "postal" was some kind of motivational slang to encourage people to work harder and while this may still be the case, productivity as a whole has dropped continuously since this was first announced. At this time, we would like to encourage employees in other buildings not to follow suit with going postal since this doesn't really appear to lead to anything worthwhile and may be cause for dismissal if not expressly approved by your acting supervisor.
Memo #827: HR has recently received some complaints from employees in sector 4 of Building A that the water distributed from the tap has an odd color to it and may be potentially hazardous to their health. The PNC execs would like to assure all employees that employees stationed in said section of the building are not scientists and despite providing some evidence which we ignored, they probably have no idea what they are talking about. This would be a good time to remind all employees that drinking from the fountains in the lobby is strictly prohibited.
Memo #828: We would like to alert all employees stationed in building S that a recent seismic event has caused the robotic security force patrolling the building to go haywire and enter "seek and destroy" mode. Now, before anyone is alarmed, this mode is nothing like it sounds but employees are encouraged to stay in their offices with their doors locked until further notice. On a completely unrelated topic, employees are also encouraged to remember PNC Policy #397 which states that the company cannot be held liable for employee deaths resulting from flagrant disregard of instructions outlined in corporate memos and benefits will not be paid out in those circumstances.
Memo #829: In light of the reports about many employees disappearing from Building W, upper management has decided to ask that any employee working closely with the evil vortex please resort to emails and telephone calls in lieu of face-to-face communication. We would also like to assure all employees that while it may seem that these two events are related, they are not. Our memo writer recently got back from a new seminar which taught the cutting-edge technique of encapsulating two things that have nothing to do with one another inside the same paragraph. It's all the rage in Europe.
Memo #830: The recreation room in building U has finally been completed and is now open to all level C employees. Users of this new room are encouraged to use their imaginations when recreating as no effort was spent to actually fill the room with anything recreational.
Memo #831: We're happy to announce that Bill Wilson from Building D is the winner of our recent "Trip To The Moon" promotion. As the winner, Bill was launched into space with no strings attached. Literally. We put him into a huge catapult, pointed it towards space, and launched him in to the atmosphere. We've since lost contact with him but we would like to assure his friends and family that this is merely because he is enjoying his vacation and doesn't wish to be disturbed. Happy orbiting, Bill!
You have reached the end of all current updates. Please remember to check back frequently in order to catch up on all available information.
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