If you're like me, and I know at least one person in my household is, then the arrival of summer also brings with it the arrival of mixed feelings. On one hand, you have really nice weather, summer vacations, and being able to see guys without their shirts on pretty much any time of the day. On the other hand, you have bratty kids who are no longer forced to go to school, the lack of watchable sports on television, and the fact that you can see guys without their shirts on pretty much any time of the day. Now, I can't entirely condone the whole "guys without shirts" thing because, yes, I am a guy and yes, I can pretty much see myself without a shirt on any time I want to but when I was younger, my mother used to beat me severely with a plastic broom handle and now I shower with all my clothes on to save myself the shock and horror. However, as much as I would like to sit here all day and talk about guys not wearing their shirts, that would be a colossal waste of time given that this update is supposed to be about sports. Yes, I suppose watching guys walk around with no shirt on could arguably be a sport, but eventually you'll realize that you're just sitting around watching guys with no shirts and you'll want to stab yourself in the eye with that dull fork you stole from Sizzler while simultaniously hitting yourself in the crotch with a brick. Seriously, why am I still talking about guys who don't wear shirts?
As I mentioned a few short sentences ago before I was rudely interrupted by myself, the dawn of summer is both a blessing and a curse. As the days get warmer, we unfortunately bear witness to the end of the hockey and basketball seasons, which pave the way for more mediocre summer sports like bass fishing, women's golf, and baseball. Also, sometimes the World Cup is on but America never does any good in soccer so it's pretty much only watched by communists and people south of the equator. Besides, whenever I think of "world cup" I think of the Earth wearing a giant jock strap and I get all giddy like the Pillsbury doughboy after taking a bottle of uppers. Sadly, there isn't much relief on the dry horizon until the weather begins to cool and fall starts changing our leaf color. That's when John Madden arises from the cave where he has been hibernating all summer and ushers in football season, arguably the greatest sport ever invented (only hot dog eating contests come in a close second).
So, you might be asking yourself, what is an avid sports fan who refuses to compromise his integrity by watching tennis supposed to do during the long summer days? The simplest answer is to drink, which is what I do for the most part, because, honestly, after a bottle of everclear and an appetizer of oxycodone, even NASCAR sounds appealing, but I can understand that that's not the solution for everyone. Perhaps you are in the care of a small child and you don't think that giving everclear to a child is a good idea. To that I would reply that you are a pansy and that you need to stop coddling your kid -- he's got to grow up sometime! But for whatever your reason, let's just say that pills and firewater aren't your thing. So, really, what do you do? Well, fear not, for I have used the power of the public library to provide you with some alternative sports fun for the enthusiast who demands action year round.
Beach Volleyball:
If you're at home watching television during some random summer Saturday, there is a good chance that if you turn the channel to ESPN25, you'll run into a game of beach volleyball being broadcast. Beach volleyball, for the uninitiated, is just like regular volleyball except that it is played on a beach and spectators come not to watch the furious and exciting play, but rather to ogle at the scantily clad participants and rate them based on how flat their chest is. Beach volleyball is primarily a sport for those living in coastal states given the steep requirements for sand and, as such, cannot be enjoyed in person by peoples living in and around Kansas. Playing beach volleyball in a parking lot or an abandoned warehouse is not recommended and may result in bodily harm and/or arrest. The Amish tried it once and look what happened to them.
Fun Fact:
Beach volleyball is one of the rare sports where you can combine the sport of watching a sport and watching men run around with no shirt on at the same time. Also, should you ever run into any of your friends, you can play off the fact that you weren't really watching the men with no shirts, you're just a huge volleyball fan.
If Played In Winter:
Playing beach volleyball in the winter changes the game little given the dynamic nature of the sport. However, participants may be slightly more clothed and perhaps run slower due to all the weight they gained during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Also, sometimes homeless people shuffle on the court and you have to knock them out with a well placed volleyball spike to the head.
Water Sports:
Water sports is a nice catch-all term for all the neat stuff that humans have invented for themselves to do on the water. Some of these include waterskiing, wakeboarding, boating, and feeding ourselves to sharks. Of course, there are many, many more types of water sports out there to be had but since I am a novice in any sport that doesn't involve chugging gatorade, I had to revert back to my old friend Google for more information. Unfortunately, Google has a slightly different idea of what the term "water sports" means and I wound up looking at a bunch of websites which consist of people urinating on one another. I was extremely digusted but will admit to being strangely intrigued.
Fun Fact:
It's almost impossible to find any fun facts related to the world of water sports, so I am forced to make something up instead. Rum has roughly 220 calories per 100ml. If you at all serious about participating in water sports this summer, you should avoid drinking rum. If you're not at all serious and just want to have a good time, you should drink all the rum you can and then make out with your best friend's mom.
If Played In Winter:
This sport would not be very much fun at all, especially if you live in a colder climate like hell or Minnisota. Chances are that the body of water you're trying to sport on would be frozen and you'd just be standing there in your skis and bikini not moving and accumulating frostbite points to redeem at your local hospital. If you're participating in that other, alternative "water" sport that Google mentioned, you're hopefully doing this indoors and the temperature outside matters little.
Lacrosse:
Considered to be America's oldest sport, it's yet another thing that you can add to your "Shit we stole from the Indians" list that every good American keeps under their pillow. Lacrosse bills itself as a combination of basketball, soccer and hockey, frighteningly similar to how hot dogs are a combination of horse, pig, and duck. Many of you may have noticed that lacrosse was prominently featured in the first American Pie movie and, if you'll remember, it made Chris Klein a total pussy while the rest of his friends got laid. That's what lacrosse does to hard working American citizens.
Fun Fact:
Lacrosse is quite popular in many of the nations high schools, largely because kids in high school don't get a choice of curriculum and the school is allowed to force them to participate in crappy sports or they won't graduate. If you are in college or above and you still play lacrosse (or even worse, enjoy watching lacrosse *shudder*), then you may be certifiably retarded and should seek medical help as soon as possible. Hopefully, it's not too late.
If Played In Winter:
You know, I hope this sport is played in winter. I hope it becomes really popular in Chicago or Siberia and all the people who form after-work lacrosse teams will travel to these locations and freeze to death. Freeze to death with that little waffle cone glove thing that they make you carry around. You'd look pretty stupid at your funeral with one of those things in your casket. You should always think of these things whenever you consider taking up a new sport.
That's just about all the time and space that we have to devote to sports today but this list is far from complete. There are many, many more sports that you can occupy your time with this summer. Perhaps there may even be a follow-up to this guide with additional sport recommendations depending on how well it's received. Hopefully you have been able to pull something useful from this PNC sports report and it'll spur you drag your hefty self out of that overstuffed chair, wipe the dorito crumbs from your shirt, and get out and do something! Until then, stay black and be sure to drink lots of gatorade. It makes you sweat in all kinds of neat colors.
As I mentioned a few short sentences ago before I was rudely interrupted by myself, the dawn of summer is both a blessing and a curse. As the days get warmer, we unfortunately bear witness to the end of the hockey and basketball seasons, which pave the way for more mediocre summer sports like bass fishing, women's golf, and baseball. Also, sometimes the World Cup is on but America never does any good in soccer so it's pretty much only watched by communists and people south of the equator. Besides, whenever I think of "world cup" I think of the Earth wearing a giant jock strap and I get all giddy like the Pillsbury doughboy after taking a bottle of uppers. Sadly, there isn't much relief on the dry horizon until the weather begins to cool and fall starts changing our leaf color. That's when John Madden arises from the cave where he has been hibernating all summer and ushers in football season, arguably the greatest sport ever invented (only hot dog eating contests come in a close second).
So, you might be asking yourself, what is an avid sports fan who refuses to compromise his integrity by watching tennis supposed to do during the long summer days? The simplest answer is to drink, which is what I do for the most part, because, honestly, after a bottle of everclear and an appetizer of oxycodone, even NASCAR sounds appealing, but I can understand that that's not the solution for everyone. Perhaps you are in the care of a small child and you don't think that giving everclear to a child is a good idea. To that I would reply that you are a pansy and that you need to stop coddling your kid -- he's got to grow up sometime! But for whatever your reason, let's just say that pills and firewater aren't your thing. So, really, what do you do? Well, fear not, for I have used the power of the public library to provide you with some alternative sports fun for the enthusiast who demands action year round.
Beach Volleyball:
If you're at home watching television during some random summer Saturday, there is a good chance that if you turn the channel to ESPN25, you'll run into a game of beach volleyball being broadcast. Beach volleyball, for the uninitiated, is just like regular volleyball except that it is played on a beach and spectators come not to watch the furious and exciting play, but rather to ogle at the scantily clad participants and rate them based on how flat their chest is. Beach volleyball is primarily a sport for those living in coastal states given the steep requirements for sand and, as such, cannot be enjoyed in person by peoples living in and around Kansas. Playing beach volleyball in a parking lot or an abandoned warehouse is not recommended and may result in bodily harm and/or arrest. The Amish tried it once and look what happened to them.
Fun Fact:
Beach volleyball is one of the rare sports where you can combine the sport of watching a sport and watching men run around with no shirt on at the same time. Also, should you ever run into any of your friends, you can play off the fact that you weren't really watching the men with no shirts, you're just a huge volleyball fan.
If Played In Winter:
Playing beach volleyball in the winter changes the game little given the dynamic nature of the sport. However, participants may be slightly more clothed and perhaps run slower due to all the weight they gained during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Also, sometimes homeless people shuffle on the court and you have to knock them out with a well placed volleyball spike to the head.
Water Sports:
Water sports is a nice catch-all term for all the neat stuff that humans have invented for themselves to do on the water. Some of these include waterskiing, wakeboarding, boating, and feeding ourselves to sharks. Of course, there are many, many more types of water sports out there to be had but since I am a novice in any sport that doesn't involve chugging gatorade, I had to revert back to my old friend Google for more information. Unfortunately, Google has a slightly different idea of what the term "water sports" means and I wound up looking at a bunch of websites which consist of people urinating on one another. I was extremely digusted but will admit to being strangely intrigued.
Fun Fact:
It's almost impossible to find any fun facts related to the world of water sports, so I am forced to make something up instead. Rum has roughly 220 calories per 100ml. If you at all serious about participating in water sports this summer, you should avoid drinking rum. If you're not at all serious and just want to have a good time, you should drink all the rum you can and then make out with your best friend's mom.
If Played In Winter:
This sport would not be very much fun at all, especially if you live in a colder climate like hell or Minnisota. Chances are that the body of water you're trying to sport on would be frozen and you'd just be standing there in your skis and bikini not moving and accumulating frostbite points to redeem at your local hospital. If you're participating in that other, alternative "water" sport that Google mentioned, you're hopefully doing this indoors and the temperature outside matters little.
Lacrosse:
Considered to be America's oldest sport, it's yet another thing that you can add to your "Shit we stole from the Indians" list that every good American keeps under their pillow. Lacrosse bills itself as a combination of basketball, soccer and hockey, frighteningly similar to how hot dogs are a combination of horse, pig, and duck. Many of you may have noticed that lacrosse was prominently featured in the first American Pie movie and, if you'll remember, it made Chris Klein a total pussy while the rest of his friends got laid. That's what lacrosse does to hard working American citizens.
Fun Fact:
Lacrosse is quite popular in many of the nations high schools, largely because kids in high school don't get a choice of curriculum and the school is allowed to force them to participate in crappy sports or they won't graduate. If you are in college or above and you still play lacrosse (or even worse, enjoy watching lacrosse *shudder*), then you may be certifiably retarded and should seek medical help as soon as possible. Hopefully, it's not too late.
If Played In Winter:
You know, I hope this sport is played in winter. I hope it becomes really popular in Chicago or Siberia and all the people who form after-work lacrosse teams will travel to these locations and freeze to death. Freeze to death with that little waffle cone glove thing that they make you carry around. You'd look pretty stupid at your funeral with one of those things in your casket. You should always think of these things whenever you consider taking up a new sport.
That's just about all the time and space that we have to devote to sports today but this list is far from complete. There are many, many more sports that you can occupy your time with this summer. Perhaps there may even be a follow-up to this guide with additional sport recommendations depending on how well it's received. Hopefully you have been able to pull something useful from this PNC sports report and it'll spur you drag your hefty self out of that overstuffed chair, wipe the dorito crumbs from your shirt, and get out and do something! Until then, stay black and be sure to drink lots of gatorade. It makes you sweat in all kinds of neat colors.
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