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:: America's Favorite Homeboy
:: America's Favorite Homeboy
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What the fuck is up, internets? Do you know what time it is? If not, you better get yourself a watch or something because it's Reggie Watts time right now. In case you didn't know, that's me. I'm Reggie Watts, checking in up here for the first time. You probably heard of me already because those fuckers from TMZ have been following me around and taking my picture and shit. Like, I'm just out at the mall buying some jeans or whatever and they're all like, "Reggie, look this way" but I try to ignore them because my parole officer says that I should try and keep a low profile. I guess it also could have just been some Asian dude on vacation but whatever. I better get some royalty money back from those photos, homie. On the streets I'm known as "R-Dub" and also "America's Favorite Homeboy." I'm thinking of trademarking that last one because it be hot as hell. I don't know a whole lot about that legal shit but I got this boy of mine, Eric, who has been arrested a whole bunch of times so he knows all kinds of stuff about the laws and whatnot. I buy that mother fucker a six pack and he would totally be down to help me with the paperwork. We're tight like a virgin goldfish and shit.
Anyway, whatever. I'm over here at the public library getting all kinds of technical with this computer. I personally think all of this writing is on some straight-up faggy shit but the court ordered me to do some therapy and the doctor was all, "why don't you try putting your feelings down on paper." I replied "why don't you put your hands down my pants" because the chick I have to see is smoking hot but she wears suits and shit so I bet she's really high maintenance. Probably would want to go to Denny's or something like that before she let me hit it. Her loss though. My homie Spike is throwing a party tomorrow night and I bet I am going to get all kinds of trim over there because it's hard to resist the R-dub. I tell them stupid sluts that I have a helicopter and they can come totally take a ride but once they find out, it's too late because R-Dub is already up in that. And then I'm like, "get the fuck out" because my mom comes home at 4 and she would start talking about "oh, is this your girlfriend?" She needs to stay out of my business and go clean up the bathroom or some shit. Maybe I make both of them clean up the bathroom so it gets done mad quick. R-Dub is always thinkin' about some next level stuff.
There is some dude next to me right now and he's pissing me the hell off. I hate being in public when I am trying to grind. Like every time my computer beeps and shit he's always got to look over and check out what I am doing. I AM REPRESENTIN', YOU BITCH so stop checking me out. You'll get your face reorganized and shit so your nose ends up where your ear is and your faggot ass be smellin' the back of your neck from now on. If there is one thing that R-Dub do besides being pimptastic is that he doesn't like people all up in his business unless you were specifically invited to be up in his business. Guy next to me, you are trespassing some some cyber internet shit right here. It's time for lock down because I don't want to have to fly across the web and cyber pistol whip you. And I know you're reading this shit so don't even try and tell anyone what you're readin' about because I will know. Snitches get stitches, bitch. Now what?
Damn, now I am all pumped up and shit. Bitches are always jocking me and be like "R-Dub, you so strong" and jealous haters always ask me if I am on steroids. KILL THAT NOISE. I don't take that shit. That shit fucks your junk up and whatever and why would I mess with something so perfect? Like, my friend Chris (C-Bro) juices the fuck up. I could take him in a fight but he's my homeboy so I would never do that but that mutha fucker is scary. He injects like zebra venom or some shit into his testicles and he is swoll. Like crazy big but he's kind of psycho now and he'll start eating glass bottles and whatever when he flies off the deep end. He's cool as shit to have around at parties and stuff but you don't want to get him upset. Just make sure you laugh at all his jokes even if you don't understand them or they aren't funny. He will throw a dude down some stairs if he feels disrespected. Shit, dude is so crazy that if you get him mad in a single story house, this bastard will build some stairs just to throw you down them. Then he light that shit on fire and make S'mores because he is ruthless. That's just the kind of posse I roll with.
I am hungry as fuck right now. I could eat like ten hot pockets and not even think twice. All of this writing shit is taking up too much of my time but maybe there is something too it. Like I could take my grind to a whole new level and just take over the internet. My email box is already blowin' up because bitches be on FaceSpace or whatever all the time and they are trying to holla at me. I'm not trying to catch me some cyber STDs if you know what I am saying. I keep that wrapped and sealed but I will explode on your face when the time comes. KABOOM! Then you need to start packing your shit because I don't want to spend the whole fucking afternoon with you. I got places to be. I can't be smoking up at the house because Mom always start yelling at me with some drama. Bitch just needs to take a few hits and chill the fuck out. She acts like Armageddon is coming or something. Why don't you spend more time making me dinner than worrying about my shit. For reals.
OK, I just got some kind of notice on my screen about my time being almost up here or whatever. I wish that librarian would come over and try some shit because I would chin check that bitch into next week. Payday comes early now, ho! Maybe I need to start wearing a sign or maybe a hat that just says "DO NOT FUCK WITH R-DUB" and then have like an arrow pointing towards me so people knew that I was R-dub. Man, these haters just keep testing. Nigga, this is shark week and I am liable to fuck your ass up just for looking at me wrong. Like, you might have some kind of facial twitch and you're not really trying to act up but I will still throw a brick at your face and start working the body with punches. There is no downtime when you're R-DUB. Whatever, man. I'mma go print this thing out so I have something to give to my fine ass therapist chick later this week. She's gonna read this and instantly fall for me. Write me some 'scrips, hooker and let's get hiiiigh!
Any other bomb-ass chicks out there, feel free to holla at your boy. I gots a new email box because the old one was getting all kinds of dick drug emails and shit. I don't need that. If you feel like you need to get in touch with me, hit me up at reggie@pollestad.net. Until next time, Reggie is out the fuckin' door. Peace.
Anyway, whatever. I'm over here at the public library getting all kinds of technical with this computer. I personally think all of this writing is on some straight-up faggy shit but the court ordered me to do some therapy and the doctor was all, "why don't you try putting your feelings down on paper." I replied "why don't you put your hands down my pants" because the chick I have to see is smoking hot but she wears suits and shit so I bet she's really high maintenance. Probably would want to go to Denny's or something like that before she let me hit it. Her loss though. My homie Spike is throwing a party tomorrow night and I bet I am going to get all kinds of trim over there because it's hard to resist the R-dub. I tell them stupid sluts that I have a helicopter and they can come totally take a ride but once they find out, it's too late because R-Dub is already up in that. And then I'm like, "get the fuck out" because my mom comes home at 4 and she would start talking about "oh, is this your girlfriend?" She needs to stay out of my business and go clean up the bathroom or some shit. Maybe I make both of them clean up the bathroom so it gets done mad quick. R-Dub is always thinkin' about some next level stuff.
There is some dude next to me right now and he's pissing me the hell off. I hate being in public when I am trying to grind. Like every time my computer beeps and shit he's always got to look over and check out what I am doing. I AM REPRESENTIN', YOU BITCH so stop checking me out. You'll get your face reorganized and shit so your nose ends up where your ear is and your faggot ass be smellin' the back of your neck from now on. If there is one thing that R-Dub do besides being pimptastic is that he doesn't like people all up in his business unless you were specifically invited to be up in his business. Guy next to me, you are trespassing some some cyber internet shit right here. It's time for lock down because I don't want to have to fly across the web and cyber pistol whip you. And I know you're reading this shit so don't even try and tell anyone what you're readin' about because I will know. Snitches get stitches, bitch. Now what?
Damn, now I am all pumped up and shit. Bitches are always jocking me and be like "R-Dub, you so strong" and jealous haters always ask me if I am on steroids. KILL THAT NOISE. I don't take that shit. That shit fucks your junk up and whatever and why would I mess with something so perfect? Like, my friend Chris (C-Bro) juices the fuck up. I could take him in a fight but he's my homeboy so I would never do that but that mutha fucker is scary. He injects like zebra venom or some shit into his testicles and he is swoll. Like crazy big but he's kind of psycho now and he'll start eating glass bottles and whatever when he flies off the deep end. He's cool as shit to have around at parties and stuff but you don't want to get him upset. Just make sure you laugh at all his jokes even if you don't understand them or they aren't funny. He will throw a dude down some stairs if he feels disrespected. Shit, dude is so crazy that if you get him mad in a single story house, this bastard will build some stairs just to throw you down them. Then he light that shit on fire and make S'mores because he is ruthless. That's just the kind of posse I roll with.
I am hungry as fuck right now. I could eat like ten hot pockets and not even think twice. All of this writing shit is taking up too much of my time but maybe there is something too it. Like I could take my grind to a whole new level and just take over the internet. My email box is already blowin' up because bitches be on FaceSpace or whatever all the time and they are trying to holla at me. I'm not trying to catch me some cyber STDs if you know what I am saying. I keep that wrapped and sealed but I will explode on your face when the time comes. KABOOM! Then you need to start packing your shit because I don't want to spend the whole fucking afternoon with you. I got places to be. I can't be smoking up at the house because Mom always start yelling at me with some drama. Bitch just needs to take a few hits and chill the fuck out. She acts like Armageddon is coming or something. Why don't you spend more time making me dinner than worrying about my shit. For reals.
OK, I just got some kind of notice on my screen about my time being almost up here or whatever. I wish that librarian would come over and try some shit because I would chin check that bitch into next week. Payday comes early now, ho! Maybe I need to start wearing a sign or maybe a hat that just says "DO NOT FUCK WITH R-DUB" and then have like an arrow pointing towards me so people knew that I was R-dub. Man, these haters just keep testing. Nigga, this is shark week and I am liable to fuck your ass up just for looking at me wrong. Like, you might have some kind of facial twitch and you're not really trying to act up but I will still throw a brick at your face and start working the body with punches. There is no downtime when you're R-DUB. Whatever, man. I'mma go print this thing out so I have something to give to my fine ass therapist chick later this week. She's gonna read this and instantly fall for me. Write me some 'scrips, hooker and let's get hiiiigh!
Any other bomb-ass chicks out there, feel free to holla at your boy. I gots a new email box because the old one was getting all kinds of dick drug emails and shit. I don't need that. If you feel like you need to get in touch with me, hit me up at reggie@pollestad.net. Until next time, Reggie is out the fuckin' door. Peace.
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Additional Commentary
Don't even think about trying to copy this shit and pass it off to your friends because this is seriously copyrighted and I will copyright my fist right into your face if you act up.
Hot bitches: Holla!
Legalize weed!
Link Of The Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InNdEWXWtsA
Mr T. Fashion Show
After watching this video, please make sure that you "table the label" because Mr. T asked you to and I pity the fool who doesn't listen.