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:: PNC Information Center - #5
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Hello Employee #15294!
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and important company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your fifth visit to the Information Center. We admire your dedication. Welcome back.
Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may get you fired if not adhered to. And by "fired" we mean "killed" because we really hate paying out unemployment. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation in both understanding and complying with the matters contained herein Contrary to what you might think, today is not a good day to die.
Memo #720, 04-18-2007: We are proud to annouce the launch of the official PNC "Help The Helpless" Charity Drive, now in it's fourth year and this time without a court order! As a giant corporation who cares about nothing but profit, we're always willing to lend a hand to some of those retarded kids we hear about on the radio provided that it doesn't cost us a dime! Hey, that's where you come in! Feel free to bring in toys, food, or especially money any time over the next week and help contribute to what some might consider a good cause! As an added incentive, any employee that donates more than $20 in goods will be granted permission to leave 30 minutes early from work that day, and all you have to do is work through your lunch hour!
Memo #721, 04-21-2007: Due to an anonymous corporate complaint, we regret to inform all employees that the use of fireworks indoors is no longer permitted. Apparently some of the members of the marketing department got a little too careless during their last display and a bottle rocket was discharged into another employee's eye. Unwillingly. Guess he didn't see that one coming. Management holds sacred the ability for employees to feel comfortable reporting issues they find around the workplace and would like to remind all employees that their anonymity will be strictly upheld. At this time, management would like to convey to all employees that in no way, shape, or form was HARVEY JEFFERSON, OFFICE NUMBER 413, BLDG H the one responsible for ruining all of your fun.
Memo #722, 04-25-2007: Ed from janitorial filed this report: "Whoever was using the handicapped stall in the men's restroom on floor three of building G yesterday around 3:00pm, you broke it. Congrats. I mean, seriously, what's the deal? You don't see me coming around to your office and breaking your stuff. I could, you know. I have the keys. If I find out who you are, be prepared to pay." It should be noted that management has given Ed full permission to carry out his investigation and, should he find out who did it, full permission to "break yo' stuff." Please note company policy #4174B regarding the company not replacing stuff that the janitor breaks prior to whining to management.
Memo #723, 04-28-2007: We have received numerous complaints from employees over the past few days concerning the elevators in building J no longer playing soothing music out of the speakers. Instead, the speakers now stream a continuous string of expletives as read by Pauly Shore. Management would like to assure all employees that this was intentional and was used as a means to cut costs. Hiring Pauly Shore to read bad words 24 hours a day is far cheaper than actually paying the royalties on any of Kenny G's greatest hits. For those employees that find the noise in the elevators offensive, you may either request a transfer to a different building or learn to start using the stairs. Please note that only one of those choices will actually get you anywhere.
Memo #724, 05-02-2007: This memo was intentionally left blank.
Memo #725, 05-03-2007: Management is happy to announce that Julie Lane, an accounting clerk over in building F has finally gotten those breast implants that she's always been talking about. We would like to encourage any employees within, say, a five mile radius of her office to take some time ouf of their schedules and stop by to check them out. They are impressive and she could use more support on her decision. On a related note, we're also happy to annouce that Quincy Robinson has successfully completed his transition from ashy to classy. While managment realizes that these accomplishments really have nothing to do with our business bottom line, by pointing out selective cases like these, it really shows how much we care about the betterment of our profit-makers. Better you means a better all of us!
Memo #726, 05-05-2007: If you are in or around building E tomorrow afternoon, please stop by the auditorium for a special guest lecture by none other than famous super rapper Lil Jon, co-sponsored by the good people in our electronics division. When pressed for a reason, the group admitted that they had no actual business case for the invitation but rather they just thought it sounded like a good idea. And we agree! Bring your pimp cups because there will be free crunk juice and brownies available to all attendees. Earplugs will also be available for those allergic to yelling. People who may have adverse reactions to the indoor smoking of marijuana may want to sit this one out.
Memo #727, 05-10-2007: Coinciding with our previously unannounced intention to lay off most of the employees in building 5C, we'd like to invite the remaining employees to bring their children into work and help reinforce the family spirit that we try and foster here. Hey we might be laying off the guy in the office next to you but that doesn't mean that there isn't plenty of additional work for you to do! Have your kid help you finish up that mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk or send him/her into the vacant office across the hall and tell them to use their imagination. Hell, now that your workload has tripled, you'll likely be burning the midnight oil for weeks to come and studies have shown that having your family around helps keep stress levels down. We couldn't agree more -- we love free labor!
Memo #728, 05-12-2007: Some of you might have taken note of the new people walking around the financial division offices today. These people are auditors and they are here investigating our handling of the funds from the charity drive. Apparently they have trust issues or something because we already told them a few times that we did everything correct and by the book. We just refuse to show them that book. I mean, it's a simple accounting error and not really a big deal. Ok, so we tried to report all of the proceeds as income, so what? Management fails to see what all the fuss is over. Finders, keepers, right? We found it on the floor. It's ours.
Memo #729, 05-14-2007: Management regrets having to announce that Quincy Robinson has been fired from the company. Apparently he took us up on our advice about bringing his kid in to work but didn't plan on the fact that his kid is a much more productive worker than Quincy ever was. Quincy's kid has been promoted to middle manager. Good luck back down that ashy road, Quincy. Classy was good while it lasted.
You have reached the end of all current updates. Please remember to check back frequently in order to catch up on all available information.
Welcome to the P.Net Corporation (PNC) Information Center. This service is set up to provide both new and old employees with a comprehensive collection of memos and important company announcements to ensure that everyone is up to speed and operating efficiently. It appears that this is your fifth visit to the Information Center. We admire your dedication. Welcome back.
Please take the time to read all updates in full as they contain pertinent information which may get you fired if not adhered to. And by "fired" we mean "killed" because we really hate paying out unemployment. PNC again thanks you for your continued cooperation in both understanding and complying with the matters contained herein Contrary to what you might think, today is not a good day to die.
Memo #720, 04-18-2007: We are proud to annouce the launch of the official PNC "Help The Helpless" Charity Drive, now in it's fourth year and this time without a court order! As a giant corporation who cares about nothing but profit, we're always willing to lend a hand to some of those retarded kids we hear about on the radio provided that it doesn't cost us a dime! Hey, that's where you come in! Feel free to bring in toys, food, or especially money any time over the next week and help contribute to what some might consider a good cause! As an added incentive, any employee that donates more than $20 in goods will be granted permission to leave 30 minutes early from work that day, and all you have to do is work through your lunch hour!
Memo #721, 04-21-2007: Due to an anonymous corporate complaint, we regret to inform all employees that the use of fireworks indoors is no longer permitted. Apparently some of the members of the marketing department got a little too careless during their last display and a bottle rocket was discharged into another employee's eye. Unwillingly. Guess he didn't see that one coming. Management holds sacred the ability for employees to feel comfortable reporting issues they find around the workplace and would like to remind all employees that their anonymity will be strictly upheld. At this time, management would like to convey to all employees that in no way, shape, or form was HARVEY JEFFERSON, OFFICE NUMBER 413, BLDG H the one responsible for ruining all of your fun.
Memo #722, 04-25-2007: Ed from janitorial filed this report: "Whoever was using the handicapped stall in the men's restroom on floor three of building G yesterday around 3:00pm, you broke it. Congrats. I mean, seriously, what's the deal? You don't see me coming around to your office and breaking your stuff. I could, you know. I have the keys. If I find out who you are, be prepared to pay." It should be noted that management has given Ed full permission to carry out his investigation and, should he find out who did it, full permission to "break yo' stuff." Please note company policy #4174B regarding the company not replacing stuff that the janitor breaks prior to whining to management.
Memo #723, 04-28-2007: We have received numerous complaints from employees over the past few days concerning the elevators in building J no longer playing soothing music out of the speakers. Instead, the speakers now stream a continuous string of expletives as read by Pauly Shore. Management would like to assure all employees that this was intentional and was used as a means to cut costs. Hiring Pauly Shore to read bad words 24 hours a day is far cheaper than actually paying the royalties on any of Kenny G's greatest hits. For those employees that find the noise in the elevators offensive, you may either request a transfer to a different building or learn to start using the stairs. Please note that only one of those choices will actually get you anywhere.
Memo #724, 05-02-2007: This memo was intentionally left blank.
Memo #725, 05-03-2007: Management is happy to announce that Julie Lane, an accounting clerk over in building F has finally gotten those breast implants that she's always been talking about. We would like to encourage any employees within, say, a five mile radius of her office to take some time ouf of their schedules and stop by to check them out. They are impressive and she could use more support on her decision. On a related note, we're also happy to annouce that Quincy Robinson has successfully completed his transition from ashy to classy. While managment realizes that these accomplishments really have nothing to do with our business bottom line, by pointing out selective cases like these, it really shows how much we care about the betterment of our profit-makers. Better you means a better all of us!
Memo #726, 05-05-2007: If you are in or around building E tomorrow afternoon, please stop by the auditorium for a special guest lecture by none other than famous super rapper Lil Jon, co-sponsored by the good people in our electronics division. When pressed for a reason, the group admitted that they had no actual business case for the invitation but rather they just thought it sounded like a good idea. And we agree! Bring your pimp cups because there will be free crunk juice and brownies available to all attendees. Earplugs will also be available for those allergic to yelling. People who may have adverse reactions to the indoor smoking of marijuana may want to sit this one out.
Memo #727, 05-10-2007: Coinciding with our previously unannounced intention to lay off most of the employees in building 5C, we'd like to invite the remaining employees to bring their children into work and help reinforce the family spirit that we try and foster here. Hey we might be laying off the guy in the office next to you but that doesn't mean that there isn't plenty of additional work for you to do! Have your kid help you finish up that mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk or send him/her into the vacant office across the hall and tell them to use their imagination. Hell, now that your workload has tripled, you'll likely be burning the midnight oil for weeks to come and studies have shown that having your family around helps keep stress levels down. We couldn't agree more -- we love free labor!
Memo #728, 05-12-2007: Some of you might have taken note of the new people walking around the financial division offices today. These people are auditors and they are here investigating our handling of the funds from the charity drive. Apparently they have trust issues or something because we already told them a few times that we did everything correct and by the book. We just refuse to show them that book. I mean, it's a simple accounting error and not really a big deal. Ok, so we tried to report all of the proceeds as income, so what? Management fails to see what all the fuss is over. Finders, keepers, right? We found it on the floor. It's ours.
Memo #729, 05-14-2007: Management regrets having to announce that Quincy Robinson has been fired from the company. Apparently he took us up on our advice about bringing his kid in to work but didn't plan on the fact that his kid is a much more productive worker than Quincy ever was. Quincy's kid has been promoted to middle manager. Good luck back down that ashy road, Quincy. Classy was good while it lasted.
You have reached the end of all current updates. Please remember to check back frequently in order to catch up on all available information.
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