As spring rolls around these parts, work tends to hold a little less interest and the PNC Campus becomes a bit dull and boring.  The weather is not quite nice enough to be at the beach but not quite cold enough to keep the crazy protesters away.  As a means to pass the time, I decided to call up my good friend Skip "Wip Skalker" Walker and shoot the breeze (and some college kids) while rapping about the current events of the week.

Randy: Hello Skip Walker, my brother from another mother.

Skip: Oh christ, I knew I shouldn't have answered the phone.  This had better be important.  You're not in jail again, are you?

Randy: Nope.  I'm as free as the 5 cent candy at the grocery store.

Skip: Those aren't free, moron.  Besides, I told you that I wasn't going to bail you out anymore.  So what do you want?

Randy: Oh, you know, just to talk.  The weather, sports, some indiscriminate east coast college.  Whatever comes to mind, really.

Skip: Oh no, you're not going to talk about Virginia Tech are you?

Randy: I wasn't, but since you apparently want to talk about it..

Skip: Randy, you can't be serious!  That is a national tragedy.  People are still grieving.

Randy: Oh, come on, give me a little bit of credit.  I wouldn't make light of something as tragic as the shooting at Virginia Tech.  Oh wait, yes I would.

Skip: That's because you are a horrible human being.

Randy: Horrible?  People are always saying that I'm horrible.  Look, if a guy wants to talk about current events or perhaps wants to give his lymphoma stricken friend a shirt with the zodiac sign for cancer, why does this make me horrible?  People kept telling me that the shirt was in bad taste, but I didn't see them buying him any presents.  Haters.

I bought this man a gift also. See how happy he is?

Skip: He was sick and you were making light of his condition.

Randy: No, that's where you're wrong.  I was celebrating the fact that he was born in early July.  He just happens to have some crazy disease with the same name as his zodiac sign.  That's not my fault.  Get your mind out of the gutter.

Skip: You really are an asshole.

Randy: Since you brought up Virginia Tech, I find the whole incident to be completely deplorable.

Skip: I'll admit to being surprised that you feel so... humanely.

Randy: I find it deplorable because it's obviously a blatant attempt by the Asian-American community to up their rankings in the America "crime by race" statistic.

Skip: And there goes my surprise right down the toilet.

Randy: Look, for as long as there has been crime in America, the Asian peoples have largely gotten the short end of the stick.  This is just their way of showing that they can compete.

Skip: Once again, you manage to leave me speechless with your inanity.

Randy: White people have their upper class crime like big business and stock scams.  They've also managed to corrupt the entire politcal process, though I've got to hand it to the few other minorities who are currently working to level that playing field.  The black people have their ghettos and the Mexicans have their drug smuggling and delicious food.  Do you see my point?  Where does that leave the Asian peoples in the pie chart of American crime?

This man is probably committing a crime just by breathing.

Skip: School shootings, apparently.

Randy: I love how every time there is a shooting, every one is always surprised at the person who did it.

Skip: Well, these kinds of things upset a lot of people and are rather shocking.

Randy: Shocking?  Hardly.  Who the hell is surprised that a depressed loner with no friends is the type to go on a shooting spree?  Idiots, that's who.  That's like being surprised at seeing a Honda Civic drive through Chinatown.

Skip: You're really laying on the Asian stereotype humor.

Randy: And I haven't even made a "small dick" joke yet!

Skip: You do realize that you're going to hell, right?

Randy: In addition, there is always that group of people who "suspected that he would do something like this."  Well, if you suspected it, why the hell didn't you do anything about it?  And while the media always tends to describe these kids as loners, after they shoot up a school, there sure are a lot of people that come forward afterwards to talk about them, don't they?

Skip: It's nearly impossible to predict something like this.

Randy: I'll tell you who's probably pretty happy at this latest shooting spree though.

Skip: I should know better than to play along by now but.. who?

Randy: Goth kids.  Assuming, of course, that they are able to be happy about anything.  Columbine is no longer #1 and no longer does America fear the eye shadow and the black trenchcoats.  Now it's stir fry and bad play writing.  To goths everywhere, let's break out the mascara and go celebrate!   We'll plan a sleepover in a cemetary or something.

Hey dude, I call the big crypt!

Skip: Every time I think you can't get any lower, you somehow manage to.

Randy: I heard that Cho Seung-hui also sent a package containing some videos and photos to MSNBC.  How pathetic.

Skip: That's not pathetic.  Most often those tapes are a cry for help or, in the very least, help authorities provide insight into why he did it.

Randy: He made the videos using Quicktime, Skip.  Quicktime.  Heck, I'd be pissed too if I spent four years at a tech school and the best I could do was make Quicktime videos.  I'm not saying that I would go around shooting up the school but we all handle our problems differently.  Maybe I'd just ask for a tuition reimbursement or something.

Skip: There isn't anything wrong with Quicktime...

Randy: I bet the guys over at MSNBC had a hell of a time playing the videos.   "These won't play on my Windows!!"  It wasn't until some intern piped up in the back and said that they needed to install iTunes because he once did the setup of his sister's ipod.  I heard he got promoted after that.

Skip: Ok, you know what?  I think that I am going to end this conversation before you manage to offend anyone else.  Although I'm not sure that there is anyone else left to offend.

Randy: Sure there is.  What about the Australians?  I once knew this hooker who I thought was australian.

Skip: Why is that?

Randy: Because every time I saw her she was coming up from down under.  Zing!

Skip: That does it.  I am removing this phone from my ear and hanging up.

Randy: Good bye Skip Walker!  Live to die another day!